One of the best reasons for having kids is because they are an endless source of entertainment.
And because, like most Americans, I have the attention span of a gnat, I have a constant need to be entertained on a regular basis. Needless to say, times are tough for guys like me these days. Network television has entered the dreaded off-season. My beloved Knicks are utterly unwatchable. And the local multiplex is filled with ridiculously stupid movies about disobedient dogs, teen vampires, and detestable brides. Somebody fucking shoot me.
I therefore find myself spending a lot more quality time with my four-year-old daughter. And you know what? She is funny as shit.
Now I've spent a lot of time with some seriously funny people and there is nothing better than when they're in "the zone." Years ago, a buddy of mine and I had dinner with Jon Stewart and he had us laughing so hard that we were practically peeing in our pants. Another time, I was at a cocktail party and watched Jackie Mason hurl insults at people that were so funny that guests were practically lining up for the abuse. And, for the record, Jimmy Fallon is even funnier in person than he is on television.
Last night, the Peanut was in "the zone."
Earlier, we were eating ice cream together. Suddenly, my dreaded lactose intolerance kicks in and I tell her that I'm going to the bathroom. With both her cheeks filled with so much Ben & Jerry's ice cream that she looked like some sort of weird Asian chipmunk, the Peanut raises her head, gives me a thumbs-up sign, and yells out, "Go for it, dude. Good luck!"
When I come back from the bathroom, I find her strapped into her car seat with her underwear on her head and wearing her blue sunglasses. When I ask her what the hell she's doing and where she thinks she's going, she yells out "I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" She then starts singing The Fixx's "Saved By Zero" (Thanks, Toyota!)
I then lie down on the couch, close my eyes, and let her play in her little den by herself. However, every five minutes, I hear her talking to herself and I can't help but start laughing my ass off. Sample comments include "How come I can't open this freaking Play-Do?" "Holy cow, I'm a genius!" and "Hmm, I wonder if pink milk comes from pink cows."
While tears of laughter are streaming down my face, I suddenly realize that the Peanut doesn't find any of this half as hysterical as I do. The stuff that has me in stitches doesn't do a thing for her. Likewise, the things that make her cry with laughter usually make me roll my eyes and shake my head.
Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I now give you The Pre-Schooler's Guide to Stand-Up Comedy. The following are all guaranteed to make your average pre-schooler pee their pants and fill their pull-ups.
1. Noun + "Head" = Funny
The phrase "poopy-head" is like a kid's version of the classic stand-up comedy routine, "The Aristocrats." Say "poopy-head" to anyone under 3' tall and you'll hear howls of laughter.
Like "The Aristocrats," the joke can be modified in many ways but will still be uproariously hilarious ("Banana head" and "Cookie Head" are popular variations these days.)
2. Visual Incongruities
Elephants in tutus. Flying pigs. Cows on rollerskates. Men in dresses. Show kids pictures of any of these and they'll laugh their asses off. I get how it's funny the first time. How the hell is it still funny the 812th time?
3. Mistaken Identity
My younger brother looks strikingly similar to me. Sure I'm taller, better-looking, and dress better but there's no denying the resemblance. Sometimes when my brother goes to visit the Peanut at daycare, a few of the kids will run up to her and say, "Your daddy's here!" The Peanut thinks this is one of the funniest things in the whole world.
Of course, this is coming from the same kid who, two years ago, would run up to every Asian man she saw and give them a big hug while yelling "Daddy"---even when I was standing right next to her and holding her hand!
Oy, the irony...
4. Insanely Stupid Knock-Knock Jokes
Ever hear a bunch of little kids tell knock-knock jokes? After 5 minutes, you'll want to bang your head against a wall.
Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Banana!
Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock!
Knock-knock. Who's there? Nobody's home!
Aaargh!
5. Parental Pain and Torture (aka Guantanamo Gallows Humor)
Sometimes I'll wake up because my daughter is squeezing my nose and is preventing air from entering my nostrils. Not really funny to me but hilarious to her.
A few months ago, I stubbed my toe and was hopping up and down on one foot while trying not to scream out a barrage of profanities. My daughter was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
Yesterday, I totally spazzed out, slipped on some ice, went flying through the air, and hit my ass on the sidewalk so hard that I thought I may have permanently broken it. My daughter's response? "Do it again, Daddy!"
Real funny, kiddo!
You know what else is funny? TIME OUTS. Hah!
What do YOUR kids find funny?
By the way, I just found out that apparently Monday is something called Official Delurking Day, a day when readers of any blogs are encouraged to leave a comment on all the sites that they read. According to my buddy Chris, "The Official Delurking Day is back. Read the site? Comment. Comment all the time? Cool, do it again. A little shy? Come on, comment - you know you wanna. Take it to the streets - go comment all willy-nilly all over the blogosphere."
Normally I don't subscribe to the group-think mentality of the blogging community. I generally dislike ever telling people that they HAVE to do something. However, I do find it interesting to see how many people from all over the world read this site. So, while you're welcome to leave any comment you want, I thought it would be cool if you also told me where you lived.
Who knows? Maybe next time I'm in your town, I'll buy you a drink.
My kid says "Guess what?" and I say "Chicken butt." Belly laughs every time. Guess how, chicken cow. Guess who, chicken poo. Guess when, chicken in the pig pen. Guess why, chicken pie.
I'm from North Carolina.
Posted by: Mandy | January 12, 2009 at 07:51 AM
Bangalore, India.
Peanut rocks!
Posted by: SS | January 12, 2009 at 07:51 AM
I'm waiting for a blog that's basically just the stream of consciousness of a four year old. It'd probably be a hoot.
Posted by: 6th Floor Blogger | January 12, 2009 at 07:53 AM
Delurking from Ottawa, Canada. I have been reading your site for about a year now...love it!
Posted by: VMChick | January 12, 2009 at 07:58 AM
Been reading forever. Popping in to say hello. From the Rochester, NY area.
Posted by: heidi | January 12, 2009 at 08:00 AM
Delurking from near Hilton Head Island. No kids yet for this newlywed, but I love hearing what I might be in store for. :)
Posted by: Kylene | January 12, 2009 at 08:01 AM
Oops. Forgot to list the state. Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. Sorry about that.
Posted by: Kylene | January 12, 2009 at 08:02 AM
Love your site. Keep up the entertaining writing...Richmond, VA.
Posted by: Jennifer | January 12, 2009 at 08:26 AM
Came across ur blog just 2 weeks back....infact the title with 'breast' sort of caught the eye:-D.
Ur daughter comes across as adorable but I have no doubt she is like any other 4 yr old.
You, her dad makes her special and includes us in all the going-ons & we fall a little more in love with her each time you put up a new post
Nancy, Dubai
Posted by: Nancy | January 12, 2009 at 08:35 AM
I'm one half of a dinky couple living in Vienna, Austria - and I do enjoy your blog!
Happy New Year to you and the Metrofamily!
Posted by: Pensive Legal Alien | January 12, 2009 at 08:37 AM
Hi MetroDad,
I'm delurking from Columbus, Ohio!
My 6yr old son still finds all the "pre-school humor" funny. Especially all the physical pain of his parents and inane knock-knock jokes that make me want to spork my eyes out.
Always good for a laugh is when I feign horror at the rudeness of our 1 yr old dropping a load in his diaper or the cat walking by with her rump in my face. He laughs so hard he gets hiccups!!!
Happy New Year!
Posted by: zenoma | January 12, 2009 at 08:39 AM
Hi metrodad. Thanks for making me pee my pants on a regular basis. I live in RI with my own little almost 4 year old bean.
Posted by: Trish | January 12, 2009 at 08:47 AM
Brooklyn, NY Officially Delurking for Monday
Have plenty of neices and nephews (am Mexican, so I suppose it comes with the territory) no children of my own, though it certainly feels like I have a few hundred sometimes....Your posts always manage to give me a laugh and make my day just a wee little bit brighter. Keep it going MD!
Posted by: Vanessa | January 12, 2009 at 08:47 AM
I've been reading your blog for awhile...came here from Sweet Juniper and think you are hilarious! Oh and I am from Saginaw, Michigan. I have a 3 year old who cracks me up too. The things they say... The other day she asked her Grandpa if she could have a granola bar. His response was "whatever you want". She came running up to me and yelled "Papa just said the three best words ever!"
Posted by: Stacey | January 12, 2009 at 08:53 AM
Fine, I'm delurking. *Waves* Thanks for making me laugh more than my five year old does with her freaking knock-knock jokes.
If I have to hear the "Banana" one, one more time...
Posted by: Pando | January 12, 2009 at 08:53 AM
Oh, I also live in Florida.
Posted by: Pando | January 12, 2009 at 08:55 AM
All the way from singapore. Lurve ur blog for its nasty funny and honest humour. I will continue reading it so long u update it!!!!
Posted by: Sin yee | January 12, 2009 at 09:09 AM
I think your observations about toddler humor are spot-on. My almost 4yr old son absolutely loves anything to do with bodily functions; loves to announce when he does them too. His fave movie since he was 2 is 'Napoleon Dynamite'. I thought it was funny the first 10 times. It's about the only thing he will sit through and laugh like it's the first time watching it. go figure.
Posted by: Heather | January 12, 2009 at 09:10 AM
Delurking from Amsterdam. Yours is the only daddy blog I read. I love your writing style and sense of humor.
Posted by: Alana | January 12, 2009 at 09:12 AM
Delurking from the Upperwest side NYC. I read your site to get a good laugh, and to get an idea of what it's like to have a family here in the city. Frankly the idea of toting a stroller through the subways still scares the tar out of me. And I've seen how kids pick things up off the city sidewalks...and I've seen what's on these sidewalks...
Posted by: TheresaG | January 12, 2009 at 09:14 AM
If parenting turns out to be HALF as great as you make it sound, I can't wait for the day when I have kids of my own.
Boston, MA
Posted by: Whitney | January 12, 2009 at 09:14 AM
I feel like the ultimate delurker. I've been reading your site for at least three years now but have never left a comment. Just wanted to come out of the woods and say thanks for providing MANY hours of entertainment. I only wish you would post more frequently.
Posted by: Jeff C. | January 12, 2009 at 09:18 AM
Singapore, Singapore!
Your posts got me through my last weeks of pregnancy, and I'm so inspired to continue motherhood with huge doses of humour. Every time I read your entries, I get the stitches. Don't stop writing!
Posted by: Pei Fen | January 12, 2009 at 09:20 AM
Hi there from Jackson, MO :) Delurking and all...
Posted by: Laura | January 12, 2009 at 09:24 AM
Plano, TX.
My kids' favorite names to hurl at each other are "bossypants" and "copycat". Harmless enough, but the vitrolic way they spit the words at each other makes it sound like the toddler/elementary version of cocksucker.
Posted by: jg | January 12, 2009 at 09:42 AM
Hartfield, Virginia
My daughter is almost 5 and she thinks it's funny if I make faces and dance and scream like I just saw a mouse. It gets old quick!
Posted by: Kate | January 12, 2009 at 09:46 AM
While you enjoy the suffix of "head", we find it's even more enjoyable with the prefix "Mr.". As in "Mr. Poopy-Head".
Glad you have a new post. I had to stay away because I cried for an hour after your last post. I laughed so hard I scared my children. I couldn't even click on your page without starting to laugh.
And, of course, I'm from Savannah "The Most Beautiful City in America" Georgia.
Posted by: JJ Daddy Baby Momma | January 12, 2009 at 09:48 AM
Fan from St. Louis...
This is so dead on for my kids, it's scary. Love your posts! Love your humor!
Posted by: Pamela | January 12, 2009 at 09:50 AM
I'm in Atlanta, but I think you already know that.
My toddler laughs when I drop her bath toys from about a yard over her head into the water. Particularly an upside-down cup. She likes the sound it makes when it strikes the surface of the water and laughs like I just recited the "Who's on First?" bit by Abbott and Costello.
Posted by: Father Muskrat | January 12, 2009 at 09:52 AM
I'm only doing this for the free drink.
Evansville, IN
Posted by: Leta | January 12, 2009 at 10:05 AM
Hey from Perth, Western Australia. Popped over from an interview you did with karencheng.com a while back and never left. Please blog more often!
Posted by: Christine | January 12, 2009 at 10:05 AM
I've been reading you from the beginning. You're on my RSS and still I'm way down here at the bottom of the comments section.
good stuff.
Posted by: Geoff | January 12, 2009 at 10:05 AM
Hi- I'm in Northern Illinois. Loved your post!
Posted by: Susan | January 12, 2009 at 10:13 AM
Just delurking to say that I'm amazed to see that 99.99% of your readers seem to be women. Maybe us guys are just too damn lazy to comment.
I just wanted to let you know that every time one of our male friends is about to become a father, we forward your site to them.
Posted by: Kevin G. (Chicago) | January 12, 2009 at 10:20 AM
Hey Pierre,
Rochester, NY checking in.
One of my son's best lines at the age of 4 was when I asked when he would finally be done in the bathroom. He said, "I dunno, Dad, the poop's in charge."
Posted by: Adam | January 12, 2009 at 10:24 AM
Word up from Long Beach, CA! I used to dream of my son marrying the Peanut (and us getting sloshed together at the reception), but she might be too cool for him already.
Posted by: Julie Kang | January 12, 2009 at 10:27 AM
Delurking, read from Sarasota FL through an RSS feed, so rarely get over here to comment. Childless for now, but as a former preschool teacher, I LOVE hearing how some things never change. Noun+head 4eva!
Posted by: Alice | January 12, 2009 at 10:29 AM
Hi! I found you though one of my cousin's "parent blogs" and have been silently lurking and laughing my ass off.
On of the things my 4 year old niece does day in and day out are knock knock jokes. But only one knock knock joke...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Interpreting cow!
Interpreting...?
MOO.
She will then proceed to laugh her ass off for about 10 minutes, even though I've told her again and again that the joke makes more sence when she says "Interupting" rather than "Interpreting".
She then looks at me like I'm some kind of retard.
God I love that kid.
Posted by: Caitie | January 12, 2009 at 10:32 AM
Here in Minneapolis, my daughter can be depended on to crack up if my husband pretends to sing in Old English. Yep, we are pretty geeky. But, you know, he's just pretending, so we're not SUPER-geeky. Yet.
Oh, and if she catches the cats pooping. That's just hysterical.
Posted by: mek | January 12, 2009 at 10:38 AM
I'm a long-time lurker. Love the site. Chicago, IL. Happy Delurking Day!
Posted by: Paul | January 12, 2009 at 10:42 AM
Love the site!
Susan
Oxford, MS
Posted by: Susan | January 12, 2009 at 10:45 AM
Kelly in Atlanta
My 18 month old daughter thinks its really funny to call her dad, 'mama'. She totally knows what she is doing which is why its so funny.
Posted by: Kelly | January 12, 2009 at 10:48 AM
De-lurking from Norwalk, CT. Good stuff.
Posted by: Tom | January 12, 2009 at 10:49 AM
Hi I live in Richmond, Virginia!
Posted by: Cindy | January 12, 2009 at 10:54 AM
Delurking from a suburb of Atlanta.
My nephew picked up the "What are you eating under there?" joke from his cousins this Christmas, so I thought we might be ready for the knock-knocks. I was wrong.
Posted by: Mandee | January 12, 2009 at 10:55 AM
Love your Peanut stories!
Erin in Salt Lake City, UT
Posted by: Erin | January 12, 2009 at 10:56 AM
De lurking from Norway (first European -yay!) Love your blog, and I join the others in begging you to write more often!
Posted by: Tonje | January 12, 2009 at 11:00 AM
One of the beastie boys farts. Either or both say, "Is there a duck in the house?" Laughter ensues.
Coconut Grove, Florida
Posted by: jiveturkey | January 12, 2009 at 11:06 AM
I live in Atlanta.
I've been reading you for years. As a Korean-American mom of a rambunctious boy the Peanut's age I have long admired your writing and your loving relationship with your wife and daughter.
But I'm delurking to say that I don't think your heart is in this anymore. The rare postings you make these days seem tired and recycled, full of lowest-denominator cliche, inane banter, celebrity name-dropping, unnecessary curse words, and the obligatory comment-begging question at the end. I'm only saying this because I've really enjoyed some of the things you've written over the years, and this blog and your writing seem like a shell of what they once were. how does that song go: better to burn out than fade away?
I hate watching you fade away, Metrodad.
Posted by: Jen | January 12, 2009 at 11:08 AM
Still in Boston
You DO NOT want to know what my teenagers think is funny. Believe me, you don't.
Posted by: margalit | January 12, 2009 at 11:09 AM