Show Me The Funny! (A Pre-Schooler's Guide to Stand-Up Comedy)

One of the best reasons for having kids is because they are an endless source of entertainment.

And because, like most Americans, I have the attention span of a gnat, I have a constant need to be entertained on a regular basis. Needless to say, times are tough for guys like me these days. Network television has entered the dreaded off-season. My beloved Knicks are utterly unwatchable. And the local multiplex is filled with ridiculously stupid movies about disobedient dogs, teen vampires, and detestable brides. Somebody fucking shoot me.

I therefore find myself spending a lot more quality time with my four-year-old daughter. And you know what? She is funny as shit.

Now I've spent a lot of time with some seriously funny people and there is nothing better than when they're in "the zone." Years ago, a buddy of mine and I had dinner with Jon Stewart and he had us laughing so hard that we were practically peeing in our pants. Another time, I was at a cocktail party and watched Jackie Mason hurl insults at people that were so funny that guests were practically lining up for the abuse. And, for the record, Jimmy Fallon is even funnier in person than he is on television.

Last night, the Peanut was in "the zone."

Earlier, we were eating ice cream together. Suddenly, my dreaded lactose intolerance kicks in and I tell her that I'm going to the bathroom. With both her cheeks filled with so much Ben & Jerry's ice cream that she looked like some sort of weird Asian chipmunk, the Peanut raises her head, gives me a thumbs-up sign, and yells out, "Go for it, dude. Good luck!"

When I come back from the bathroom, I find her strapped into her car seat with her underwear on her head and wearing her blue sunglasses. When I ask her what the hell she's doing and where she thinks she's going, she yells out "I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" She then starts singing The Fixx's "Saved By Zero" (Thanks, Toyota!)

I then lie down on the couch, close my eyes, and let her play in her little den by herself. However, every five minutes, I hear her talking to herself and I can't help but start laughing my ass off. Sample comments include "How come I can't open this freaking Play-Do?" "Holy cow, I'm a genius!" and "Hmm, I wonder if pink milk comes from pink cows."

While tears of laughter are streaming down my face, I suddenly realize that the Peanut doesn't find any of this half as hysterical as I do. The stuff that has me in stitches doesn't do a thing for her. Likewise, the things that make her cry with laughter usually make me roll my eyes and shake my head.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I now give you The Pre-Schooler's Guide to Stand-Up Comedy. The following are all guaranteed to make your average pre-schooler pee their pants and fill their pull-ups.

1. Noun + "Head" = Funny

The phrase "poopy-head" is like a kid's version of the classic stand-up comedy routine, "The Aristocrats." Say "poopy-head" to anyone under 3' tall and you'll hear howls of laughter.

Like "The Aristocrats," the joke can be modified in many ways but will still be uproariously hilarious ("Banana head" and "Cookie Head" are popular variations these days.)

2. Visual Incongruities

Elephants in tutus. Flying pigs. Cows on rollerskates. Men in dresses. Show kids pictures of any of these and they'll laugh their asses off. I get how it's funny the first time. How the hell is it still funny the 812th time?

3. Mistaken Identity

My younger brother looks strikingly similar to me. Sure I'm taller, better-looking, and dress better but there's no denying the resemblance. Sometimes when my brother goes to visit the Peanut at daycare, a few of the kids will run up to her and say, "Your daddy's here!" The Peanut thinks this is one of the funniest things in the whole world.

Of course, this is coming from the same kid who, two years ago, would run up to every Asian man she saw and give them a big hug while yelling "Daddy"---even when I was standing right next to her and holding her hand!

Oy, the irony...

4. Insanely Stupid Knock-Knock Jokes

Ever hear a bunch of little kids tell knock-knock jokes? After 5 minutes, you'll want to bang your head against a wall.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Banana!

Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock!

Knock-knock. Who's there? Nobody's home!

Aaargh!

5. Parental Pain and Torture (aka Guantanamo Gallows Humor)

Sometimes I'll wake up because my daughter is squeezing my nose and is preventing air from entering my nostrils. Not really funny to me but hilarious to her.

A few months ago, I stubbed my toe and was hopping up and down on one foot while trying not to scream out a barrage of profanities. My daughter was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down her cheeks.

Yesterday, I totally spazzed out, slipped on some ice, went flying through the air, and hit my ass on the sidewalk so hard that I thought I may have permanently broken it. My daughter's response? "Do it again, Daddy!"

Real funny, kiddo!

You know what else is funny? TIME OUTS. Hah!

What do YOUR kids find funny?

By the way, I just found out that apparently Monday is something called Official Delurking Day, a day when readers of any blogs are encouraged to leave a comment on all the sites that they read. According to my buddy Chris, "The Official Delurking Day is back. Read the site? Comment. Comment all the time? Cool, do it again. A little shy? Come on, comment - you know you wanna. Take it to the streets - go comment all willy-nilly all over the blogosphere."

Normally I don't subscribe to the group-think mentality of the blogging community. I generally dislike ever telling people that they HAVE to do something. However, I do find it interesting to see how many people from all over the world read this site. So, while you're welcome to leave any comment you want, I thought it would be cool if you also told me where you lived.

Who knows? Maybe next time I'm in your town, I'll buy you a drink.

Comments

[kate]

Hello from a childless 20-something in Sydney, Australia.

[Ben]

Live from Burbank... My kid's equally hilarious but hates being laughed at. She's 3, but she can usually tell whether you're laughing at her or with her. So we end up stifling, turning our heads and walking into other rooms.

[Cindy]

Greetings from Kuala Lumpur! Been reading your blog for two years and have never commented. Thanks for allowing me to delurk.

[Chad Skelton]

I feel like a lemming for being another delurker now, but just wanted to say this post made me chuckle. Not to overanalyze the thing, but I've often wondered why humour operates so differently at different ages. I've occasionally watched a movie or TV show that I remember finding hilarious in my youth and wondering what in the world I thought was funny about it.

[Jenny]

Delurking from Ann Arbor, MI!
I'm actually a high school student, but after my (also HS student) friend showed me your blog, I could't stop reading it. It's funny and I like your social commentary (even if I don't agree some times) because it's rare (for me) to find such articulate and witty opinions about little stuff that matter (manners). I also adore the Peanut! Does she really talk like that? I've never ever met a kid that talks like that.

[--xh-- aka aNoop]

ok, i am de-lurking myself :) I love the peanut stories - the humor is what got me hooked... and man, i love ur blog :) it is a laughter riot...

I am from Kerala, india.

[Deborah]

Delurking from San Francisco! It's so heartwarming to read about your daughter and the complete love you have for her.

[Shannon]

Seattle, WA
Thanks for such a great blog!

[mt]

hey metrodad, i'm delurking from singapore while waiting for my 3.5 yr old to wake up so i can spring the noun+head thing on him.

[jeanie]

delurking.

Dum dum head was also quite hilarious yet powerful.

[audrey]

Originally from Malaysia, currently studying in London. Peanut is so funny! :)

[Lady M]

Delurking from California. I love your stories! And thanks especially for the link to video about that dancing-around-the-world guy. Made my day.

[HLing]

Hello from Singapore! keep up the fantastic and super funny posts! =)

[Eileen]

A warm delurking g'day from hot hot Perth, Western Australia! I enjoy reading your blog and the sense of humour conveyed - and second Jessica's comment to blog more often. Thank you for making us smile each time.

[Kim N]

Nothing makes my kids laugh more than seeing someones butt crack hang out above their pants. They also like to take pictures of my backside (clothed of course) with their digital camera and they sit and stare at their pictures and laugh hysterically. I am near Seattle.

[Cinthia]

My niece used to poke me in the eye *hard*, when I was asleep to wake me up. Once I was awake, she would put her finger next to my face and say I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you..." because she knew I hated it. Her worst habit was licking my arm when I wasn't paying attention. That was gross but she would laugh and laugh. Ugh.

[edrie]

Hi from East Malaysia, Sabah. You are hilarious!

My niece Vea, is a 4 year old too. She thinks its funny to run real fast into a wall literally smacking her face and asking questions like "If you don't like that pants, WHY DID YOU BUY IT?"

College student de-lurking from los angeles. Your blog is hilarious and I need a good laugh every now and then.

[mrs.notcouching]

California.

Loving your blog and really wishing you would post more! If you do... I promise to comment more :-)

[maddy]

Delurking from Hong Kong (as well) to tell you that I think for most of your readers its the funny that keeps bringing us back! love your blog.

[Emma]

Delurking from Down Under to say hi :-)

[Calimommy]

The Peanut is as funny as she is adorably cute. I get the same lame jokes and name calling from my 4 1/2 y.o. son and his preschool friends, btw. =)

Pasadena, CA.

[Carmen]

I'm from Sydney, Australia and I love your blog, but tell me honestly- what are the chances my future kid will turn out exactly like yours?

[lostonthestreet]

Delurking From India.Single female and no kids,yet I keep coming back for your posts ever so often!! :-)

[Alli]

Hi
Just saying hi from Sydney, Australia. Heard about your blog via karencheng.com.au

[Mats]

Metrodad,

Thanks for the stories and insights. It makes my life as father more enjoyable & I remember why we have children. As a father of three boys (6,4&2) I sometimes wonder. Usually I do not have time to to comment, but today I will. For ultimate laughter get a whoopee cusion. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whoopee_cushion This was their favorite Christmas gift(even better than the DS)
The two oldest laughed so hard when I continously "accidentally" sat on their well placed cushion, so they peed in their pants shrieking with laughter and tears in their eyes. Keep up the writing.

Mats, Norway.

[jess (fushmush)]

Delurking from London (originally from Sydney Australia). My friends kids went through the knock knock stage. I must admit I found it giggle-worthy. (Maybe I'm a 4 year old at heart.)

[vicki]

Bendigo, Australia.

Thanks for bringing a few extra smiles into my life!

[Jenn]

Hello from Singapore!

You're hilarious, Dude!

[Emilie]

Delurking from London. The real one.

I'm also a young single, child-less woman. I can't get enough!

[kittenpie]

OMG the bad knock knocks KILL. ME. Seriously, they piss me off, but I can't really be pissed about something so ridiculous, and trying to teach her the whole point of knock knocks is like trying to teach a brick wall to mix me up a decent mojito, so I have given up. Instead, we have the weird noise cheap laugh, and newly, the insane dancing path to seeing mom on the floor howling with laughter.

[kittenpie]

(Oh, and from toronto)

[mc]

delurking from London, England, but i'll soon be lurking from KL, Malaysia :)

[Courtney]

Delurking from Israel. Your kid cracks me up.

[LIsa]

Have two girls, 3 and almost 1. Living in Tokyo now, but used to live in NYC. Started reading shortly after my first daughter was born. Love how you find humor in every aspect of parenting. Favorite post was the one about the parent types at a NYC playground. So right, and so funny!

[Paraic]

Delurking from West Cork, Ireland.

My daughter is not quite 3 but she likes any slapstick humour, funny faces, making up silly songs and stories, etc. I'm looking forward to her embarrassing us in public like your lovely Peanut.

[Raquel]

De-lurking from Rome, Italy. I have been enjoying your writing for some time now.

We are just entering the 'butt' joke phase in our household and much hilarity ensues when we ask our 3 1/2 year old daughter to do the sniff-test on her 8-month old baby brother.

Luckily, butt jokes translate pretty easily so everyone in the family can enjoy...

[Jessie Raj]

Singapore.

Seventeen,college student.

Can rarely even imagine the possibilty of having a little rugrat one day but stories of the Peanut makes me think,why not?

P.S,reading your blog gives me a huge smile that often lasts quite a while.

P.P.S,Got to know about this space through Karen Cheng :)

[SciFi Dad]

Toronto, Ontario.

And, I laugh at people who stub their toes too.

[kribss]

everything you mentioned are favs in this house too. (our girls are very close in age) the farting though isnt funny till she sits on ones lap or has her butt close to someones face...taught by older brother.

elkhart, indiana

[Christy]

Holy crap, that was a lot of scrolling down to get to the comment box! I'm in Ontario. :)

[Danielle]

From Singapore! Peanut has personality!

[mbd]

Delurking from Melbourne Australia - started reading your blog about 1.5 years ago just after I found out that I was going to be a dad, and have been enjoying it ever since. My fave post was probably the one from July 07 titled 'MORE NON-SEQUITUR RAMBLINGS OF A 2.5 YEAR-OLD!' (part one).

FYI, as I discovered to my surprise this afternoon, spinning a megablock on the floor and then crying out 'Yes!!!' as it goes is freaking hilarious to an 11 month old boy. :-)

Thanks for the entertaining posts, and as per other offers, if you and yours find your way to this part of the world, feel free to claim a beer.

cheers,
Mark

P.S. It's interesting that so many of your readers appear to come from what are considered the world's most livable cities (Melbourne, Vancouver, etc).

[Emily]

An expat delurking from Brussels, Belgium. Sometimes I feel like all I hear from parents is complaining about their kids so I love to read how you seem to enjoy parenthood so much. Please write more!

[Mei]

Bonjour from a tiny village in the south of France. I haven't commented as often as I should even though I've been following your blog for a while now.

Love the blog.

[Meg]

Also writing from DC. Thanks for making parenting seem so fun!

[Andy]

Murray Hill dad here. Been reading forever but have never commented. First found your site when it was mentioned in the WSJ. Keep up the great writing.

[Laura Driver]

Delurking:

We have several variations of the Noun + "Head" = Funny and we tried knock knock jokes yesterday which went a little like ...

Knock knock, who's there?, Me, Me who?, Knock knock

It was a vicious circle of knocks ... followed by ... Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the shoe shop.

This is met by my straight face and the 4 year old asking why I'm not laughing. I realise that this is the end of the joke and fake a laugh.

[camelgrass]

from malaysia. got the link from karen cheng, no i m not married, no i dun have kids, n trust me i m too young to have kids. kids-me? not a good combination.
anyways ur girl is cute. is it true after marriage, its all bout the next generation, and ur wife only gets attention from u once a year (anniversary blog), pls, pay more attention to ur wife, or else u will really scare me away from getting married

[S. Hirschorn]

Come to Montreal and the beers are on us. My wife and I have twins about the same age as the Peanut. We've been loyal readers for years (but, of course, have never commented until now.)