When it comes to pregnant women, my misguided attempts at chivalry frequently backfire.
Whether it's nobly giving up my seat on the subway or making friendly conversation by inquiring about a woman's due date, I've basically reached a point where I absolutely NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's in the hospital, has her feet in stirrups, and the baby is at least halfway out.
Unfortunately, I somehow forgot to pass this important life lesson onto my four-year-old daughter.
Today, the Peanut had her holiday party at school. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Peanut beckoning to one of her friend's moms. "Can you come here please? I want to ask you a question."
The woman walks over to the Peanut, gently leans over and says, "Hi Sweetie, what is it that you want to ask me?"
The Peanut points to each of her hugely ginormous breasts and says, "So, do you have twins inside there?"
The woman is not quite sure she heard correctly so, to my utter chagrin, she asks the Peanut to kindly repeat the question.
Regrettably, the Peanut assumes that she is being asked to repeat the question because the woman is obviously hard of hearing. So what does she do? She stands up, explicitly points to each of the woman's giant breasts again, and yells out, "I said, you have two GIANT tummies! Does that mean you have twins inside there? WHAT.ARE.THEIR.NAMES?"
Completely mortified, I quickly pull the Peanut aside and whisper a lecture in her ear about never assuming that a woman is pregnant. I don't remember exactly what I said but I vaguely recall babbling random things like "false assumptions," "macromastia," and "mammoplasty."
Of course the Peanut looked at me like I was totally nuts and went back to shoving a giant cupcake in her face. Meanwhile, I simply made eye contact with the woman and and gave her a look conveying not only my sincerest apologies but also my total embarrassment.
However, I've got to admit that it's been four hours since this happened and I've still got an enormous grin on my face. That shit is straight-up funny. I tell you, this parenting thing is a barrel of non-stop laughs.
Ok, your turn. What's the funniest or most embarrassing thing to come out of your kid's mouth? Special prize to the story that makes me laugh so hard that Diet Coke comes out my nose!