You Never Forget Your First Fish

When my father-in-law was diagnosed with interminable cancer, I spoke to several child psychologists and read various books on how to approach the subject of death with my daughter.

Simply put, it's virtually impossible for an infant or toddler to fully comprehend a human's death. Up until the age of seven, many children believe that death is a reversible condition.

The experts advise you to never say that a loved one's cause of death was sickness or old age. The reasons for this are fairly straightforward. If you ever get sick or a loved one gets old, your child will be petrified with fear that death is impending.

We explained to the Peanut that death means one's body stops working. Grandpa can no longer eat, sleep, walk, read books to her, or go fishing. Naturally, this brings up various questions like "where did Grandpa go? or "what happened to his body?" These are issues that may involve your faith or sense of spirituality and it's ok to have those conversations with your child.

As most of you know, my father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer in April. From that moment on, we flew from New York to Texas on a weekly basis. Each weekend, we rented a small fishing boat so we could not only indulge his passion but also so we could create as many wonderful memories as possible together.

Ironically, we caught very few fish this summer. 

Since he passed away two weeks ago, my wife and brother-in-law have been staying with their mother to help her grieve. Every night at 7:00 pm, the three of them hike over to a local lake and silently fish for a little bit. It's partly just to get out of the house but it's partly as a way of remembering dad.

This weekend, the Peanut and I joined them for the first time. Although the lake is filled with striped bass and catfish, we were just fooling around near the shore. I bought Peanut a cheap little toy Dora fishing rod at Wal-Mart and my brother-in-law rigged it up so it could actually cast.

As we sat there quietly in the darkness, the Peanut suddenly yelled "I see the fishies moving." As we ran over to her, we yelled at her to reel in her line. Sure enough, at the end of the hook, was the Peanut's very first fish. She was so excited I was sure that she was going to piss all over herself.

Now, when it comes to bugs or insects, we have a very pacifist approach to all God's creatures. If we catch a fly in the house, we'll release it outside. If we see a spider, we'll escort it into the woods. Sure, we'll beat the shit out of another toddler but, when it comes to animals, we firmly believe in the sanctity of life.

However, we'd never had the fish discussion with the Peanut before. She loves fish so she knows people eat it all the time. However, we also tend to be catch-and-release fishermen. So, as we all gently crouched around her, we asked her what she wanted to do with her fish.

She thought about it very carefully before she said that she wanted to take it back to Grandpa's house and put it in his little pond. That way, whenever she came to visit Texas, she could look at her fish and remember all the fun times that she had while fishing with Grandpa. She then looked up at us with her big bold eyes and said, "Do you think that would be a good idea, guys?"

Yeah, kiddo. We think that would be a great idea.

Comments

[Rattling the Kettle]

That's very sweet. And emotionally mature. How old is she, 10?

[Hank]

Beautiful on the inside and out, MD. Nicely done.

[schmutzie]

You're being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/09/five-star-friday-edition-22.html

[twizzle]

Awwwwwwww, how sweet!

But dude -- I can't believe that you guys let flies out when you catch them! I agree w/ you on letting spiders and fish live, but flies are worthless pieces of shit and deserve to die!

[J]

What a lovely idea. You brought tears to my eyes with this story. My mom died in June, and this has been a difficult summer to get through. Since when is summer something to be endured? Sigh. Hug your wife one extra squeeze for me, in solidarity for losing a parent.

I hope that fish lives a long, healthy life. If not, maybe this can be a tradition, that every time she comes to visit, she puts a fish in the pond.

[twizzle]

Hi MD,

I'm sorry if my last comment was offensive. I certainly didn't intend it to be, and I express my most sincere condolences for your recent loss.

Peace.

[landismom]

Great post, MD. What a special girl you have there!

[midlife mommy]

I lost my mother last September, and we are approaching the first anniversary of her death. My daughter had just turned three when she died. We received boatloads of the death and dying questions, and then they just stopped. Now I know why. Sadly, she told me the other day that she doesn't remember my mom at all. I guess the toddler amnesia has fully kicked in.

[manager mom]

That was wonderfully sweet... like many of the other commenters already pointed out, she will treasure reading this post someday.

[croutonboy]

Awesome idea...that's one smart kid. Although by the looks of the fish in the picture he may not agree.

[Catherine]

OMG I just cried because of how heartfelt the comment of your daughters was. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and I'm emotional..and I have tears falling right now...

((HUGS))

[Rhea]

Your peanut is adorable. I bet she named the fish too. :o) Children help heal when our hearts hurt. They just naturally do.

My boys caught tons of tadpoles one summer and put them in their grandparents' expensive koi pond...and there was an explosion of frogs in the yard that year and years to follow!

[ericka]

Thanks for such a wonderful post. My father just passed away and my Korean mother whose steely composure was forged in a small, dirt poor village outside of Seoul, has revealed the tiny cracks in her armor since his departure. My daughter and my nephew (2 and 1 1/2) are the best medicine - bringing smiles and laughs as they visit their har-muh-nee's home. Without our children to distract us, what would we do?

[Iba]

Peanut is a very smart and sweet girl.

[Holmes]

I love that she caught the fish with toy equipment. Beautiful story.

[pantrygirl]

Oh crap, now, I'm crying and my breasts are leaking.

What a great kid.

[Penpals]

Was just surfing the web and I came across you site and I have to say that I am greatly impressed. Thank-you!

[KAT]

Loving her.
And you.
I'll be back to read you s'more.

[selma]

thnks

[Term Paper]

Certainly I Never Forget My First Fish.There is a little fish in a child hands,When i was child then i also cough fishes like this cute child.I am remembering my childhood.

[Elomelo]

is fine now.Nitrates are a little high, but I will be doing a water chnage today. So I think everyone will be fine now. I did lose three fish in the end. A guppy, a platy (really old) and a angelfish.

[Evelyn]

Add a de-icer if necessary: In cooelr climates, leave the netting on until the pond surface starts to freeze over. Then, when you remove the net, you can set in the de-icer. A pond de-icer does not actually heat the pond but instead keeps its immediate area from freezing. This allows for toxic gasses to be released and oxygen to enter the pond. In warmer climates where ponds do not freeze over, the pumps and aerators need to continue running year round. If the water temperature gets into the low 40 s (F) it will be helpful to the fish if these are lifted at least one foot from the bottom of the pond.Fish that are kept over-winter need at least 3 ft of deep, clean water, and a not too over-crowded pond should be OK, even if the pond surface freezes. If the surface should become completely frozen, remember to NOT break up the ice by pounding on it. Shock waves can seriously injure your fish. Set a pot of hot water on the ice to melt a hole in it. Do not dump the hot water on the ice, this will only allow more ice to form.

[Luciria]

, how do you determine what your copy geeaternd? Is it a front end campaign designed to get leads or to make a sale? Or is it a back end campaign where the copy has a more immediate and direct revenue attached?Either way, there is a value for each of those situations. If you are writing web copy, how much extra traffic is geeaternd thanks to your SEO skills? How many conversions does your copy create for a landing page, etc, etc So you are right again, as a copywriter, you do need a client that either has a complete game plan and your copy fills the one part of the plan OR You need to develop that plan for them. At the very least, you need to qualify how they measure results.Overall, I'd say you know exactly what you are talking about!

[Hat]

naja sagt:Naja. Ewig vieles was viele Menschen noch nicht gmaecht haben, und einige Dinge, bei denen es klar is dass man sie gmaecht hat .Und dann noch solche Beispiele wie Kaugummi geschluckt/ausgespuckt ja, mehr optionen als die beiden gibt es ja wohl nich

[Maura]

Utente: Siamo dovuti arivrare fino in Malesia (…ehm, purtroppo solo virtualmente) per trovare un dominio che ci piacesse e facesse al caso nostro. Certo, anche Trinidad e Tobago (.tt) non era male, ma l’acquisto sarebbe stato pif9 complicato. Siamo, quindi, felici presentarvi tta.my This comment was originally posted on

[Sponki]

My aunt was dug a huge 8 x10 pond in her yard with the help of family. Then she ceorevd with a pool liner(can get at walmart, target, on-line) PLaced big stones around the outside to hold the liner and filled with water, she had ducks, fish and other animals. It worked very well for years. You can do this by digging a hole the size and depth you'd like, you also can cut liners that are to big, but having a bigger one is better that way you have some slack in case it slips some while filling. you can do this for the price of a pool liner, stones and water treatment(for fish)

[Mallak]

You mean those fish they inject dye into in order to give them diereffnt colors? I doubt there is a book. Personally I think its cruelty to animals. C.

[Rahmatika]

Carl, enjoying your blog. I wrote this a cuople years ago for New Scientist about importance of trophy fish to sustaining populations: Let the big fish go to save the species * 26 June 2005 * Stephen Leahy * Magazine issueTHE trophy fish that anglers dream of landing are crucial for saving fish populations. It means fishery managers should rethink the common policy of chasing the big fish and letting the tiddlers go.That's according to Charles Birkeland at the University of Hawaii in Honolulu and Paul Dayton at Scripps Institution of Oceanography in La Jolla, California, who have reviewed the effects of fishing on populations. Until recently it was thought that all eggs and larvae have the same odds of survival, regardless of their parents' size. Now studies show that the biggest fish are the most valuable for maintaining the population.For a start, a female's fecundity often increases dramatically with size. A 60-centimetre red snapper, for example, produces more than 200 times as many eggs as females that are two-thirds her size.What's more, larvae from older and larger black rockfish are bigger, grow more than three times REPLY: Stephen, it seems we're missing the end of your comment. You're right, except that where the fishing pressure is very high (like where I fish), there has to be a minimum size and take limits to allow some small fish to survive to larger sizes to begin with. In many cases an intermediate slot limit no smaller than x and no bigger than y makes the most sense. Carl Safina

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