LET'S HUG IT OUT
Thanks to all of you for your touching comments, e-mails, phone calls and sympathy cards. I'm truly humbled by your kindness. If I could come over to your house, give each of you a hug, and take you out for a drink, I would definitely do so. But let's face it. That could take a really long time and would probably interfere with my busy television-watching schedule. Besides, I don't know your addresses. Hey, here's an idea! How about you come over to my place and I give you a hug while we watch TV together? If you could pick up a bottle of scotch and some pickles on the way over, that'd be great. I'll be the guy on the couch watching the Olympics and weeping like a little school girl.
MY DAUGHTER THROWS LIKE A GIRL
I recently realized that while the Peanut and I have been spending our afternoons farting on the dog, drawing funny pictures of the neighbors, and pretending to shop at Whole Foods so we can sample the free food, a lot of the other kids in the neighborhood are immersed in after-school activities like gymnastics, swim lessons, tae kwon do, or Super Soccer Stars. Really, I had no idea.
Now I'm worried that it's too late for the Peanut to catch up. I'm thinking that her only shot of achieving athletic excellence is to pick an obscure sport and master it. So, every night, as we watch the Olympics together, I ask her whether any of the sports appeal to her. Archery? Badminton? Curling?
Yesterday, after listening to me rant about choosing a single sport, the Peanut though about it it for a few minutes and told me, "I don't want to do sports, Daddy. I just want to wear dresses like a princess."
Hmmm...field hockey, anyone?
TO BE FILED UNDER "UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES"
Most of you know that I'm pathologically obsessed with instilling good manners in my daughter. It's like I'm launching my own personal war against the decay of civilization and the Peanut is my ambassador to the world. I'm sure I'm going to drive her crazy in the future. Especially when it comes to my pathological compulsion regarding hand-written thank you notes. I apologize in advance, Sweetie.
At home, I've taught the Peanut to say "excuse me" whenever she farts. The only problem is when we're in public, she'll randomly say "excuse me" to a bunch of strangers. When they inquire why she's saying "excuse me," she enthusiastically yells out "Because I tooted! Want to smell?"
NO THANK YOU!
CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT NEED TO BE WRITTEN...IMMEDIATELY!
(1) "Santa Only Comes If You Eat Your Vegetables"
(2) "Stop Yelling: Mommy and Daddy Can Hear You!"
(3) "I Don't Care What Your Friend's Parents Do"
THINGS KOREAN PARENTS MUST SAY TO EACH OTHER BEFORE HAVING KIDS
(1) "We should definitely never talk about our feelings."
(2) "Let's cut their hair at home until they're 18. We'll use the kalbi scissors."
(3) "What else can we pack for lunch to ensure that he's teased mercilessly?"
(4) "Whenever his friends come over, make sure the whole house smells like kimchi."
(5) "Don't forget to use guilt whenever possible."
WIKI, WIKI...WHAT? (FUNNIEST WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES)
There's a lot of high falutin' scholarly debate about whether sites like Wikipedia make us dumber. Personally, I think these scholars should be looking at the lack of funding for public-school education or the increased prevalence of video games but hey, that's just me. I'm crazy like that. Besides, I love Wikipedia. It's a constant source of entertainment for me. Witness!
QUICK THOUGHTS ON THE OLYMPICS
-Even the Peanut thinks that Bela Karolyi sounds like The Count from "Sesame Street." Every time Karolyi opens his mouth, I keep expecting him to say, "TWELVE is the number of the day!"
-Sports Illustrated is reporting that Michael Phelps is listening to Young Jeezy and Jay-Z on his ipod. Why don't I buy this? He seems more like a Hootie & The Blowfish guy.
-Speaking of music, why does floor exercise music suck so bad? Wouldn't you rather see Shawn Johnson tumble to "Who Let the Dogs Out," "Hell's Bells," or "Fight The Power?" After sticking the final landing, she could stick her tongue out and throw up some gang signs!
-BossLady and I made a conscious decision when Peanut was born that we weren't going to kiss her on the lips. Watching Nastia Liukin and her dad smooch on the lips after a successful vault confirms that we made the right decision. The Liukins have officially replaced Angelina Jolie and her brother as "Most Disturbing PDA of All-Time." Fucking Guh-ross!
-I'm sure you've all read the controversy regarding Spanish athletes being photographed making "slanty eyes" and then claiming that they're not racist because hey, they have a lot of "Oriental" friends. Of course, this is the same country who rained chants of "Monkey, Monkey!" on French striker Thierry Henry during a friendly soccer match. But hey, it's cool. Because I'm sure those Spaniards had a lot of black friends too. So to show solidarity with my Spanish brothers and sisters, I will spend the next week being completely fucking lazy, drinking cheap wine, taking 3-hour naps, avoiding showers, and getting my ass kicked by Italians, Moors, Germans, and the French. But hey, it's cool. I have a lot of Spanish friends. Ok, not really. I hate those slimy bastards. Fuck you, Spain!
-By far, the best coverage of the Olympics has been on The Onion. Aside from articles like "Hurdler Overcomes Many Hurdles To Win Hurdle Race," my favorite has been "Green-Clad Olympic Archer Steals Gold Medals From Rich, Gives Them To Poor."
REJECTED OLYMPIC SPORT: TODDLER TOSSING
Although I would never do this with my own daughter, I would totally
do it with someone else's kid. I think I would be fucking awesome at
it. The only thing I might do differently is spray a little rosin on the kid first. You know, as an additional safety measure.
In all seriousness, I've watched this video about a dozen times. I
can't decide whether it's a shining example of Darwinian stupidity or whether I'm just a nervous nelly. There's a good part of me that wants to report these people to the proper authorities. Clearly, their parenting license needs to be revoked.
It's interesting because we're now at that stage where the Peanut feels compelled to try and give me a heart attack every single day. If I take my eyes off her for one second, I'll look up and see her climbing scaffolding or picking up trash from the street and putting it in her mouth. Thankfully I only have one kid. I don't know what I'd do if I were outnumbered.
In fact, there's an idea for a new Olympic sport. Put one person in a room with 20 toddlers. If you make it out alive after 24 hours, you get the Gold!
Winner gets their face plastered on a Wheaties box.