Last year, Vanity Fair published a hilariously satirical article imploring readers to measure their Asshole Footprint. In the hopes of improving overall life on the planet, they offered a questionnaire to help individuals determine the size and breadth of their footprint.
Personally, I've often felt that the best way to reduce the toxic increase of assholes on this planet is to make sure that certain people never breed. Unfortunately, my lobbying efforts for mandatory targeted sterilization have been blocked by virtually every government on the planet. Some nonsense having to do with Human Rights. Whatevs.
My latest solution to the problem is to help asshole parents identify themselves. In the same manner that many completely humorless people (especially bloggers) think they're hysterically funny, many asshole parents have no idea how douchey they really are.
To help them out, I've come up with the following quiz.
While it's ok to answer "yes" to some of these questions, if you reply affirmatively for six or more of them, you're very likely an asshole parent and it is incumbent upon you to take urgent measures immediately:
(1) Have you ever bought your 4-year-old a $500 Marc Jacobs cashmere hoodie?
(2) Are you constantly trying to impress your children's friends by being "the cool mom?" Does being "cool" involve dressing inappropriately for your age, drinking alcohol with minors, or referring to your daughter as "your best friend?"
(3) Have you ever mocked the frazzled new mom at the playground dressed in old sweatpants that are covered in breast milk and jelly?
(4) If a fellow patron comes by at a restaurant and inquires whether your children can be a little quieter, instead of apologizing for disturbing their meal, do you snap back and retort, "Don't tell me how to raise my kids!"
(5) Do you have business cards for your mommy blog?
(1) Do you refer to having young children as "doing the parent thing"?
(2) Have you ever pointed at a breastfeeding woman and said to your buddies, "How'd you like to suck some milk out of those hooters?"
(3) Have you ever picked a fight with a ref during your kid's Little League game? Ever filed a formal complaint against a coach because your kid didn't get enough playing time? Have you ever heckled a little kid on an opposing team?
(4) Do you make your wife drive a minivan while you drive a two-seater convertible?
(5) Have you ever "smacked some sense" into your kid's head?
FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN
(1) Are any of your children named CoCo, Sage, Prince, Aurelius, Apple, Cat, Bryce, or Keegan?
(2) Have you ever joined a church or temple solely in order to get your children into its affiliated school?
(3) Have you ever flown your kids to summer camp in first-class, a private jet, or a helicoptor? Does your kindergartner have an iphone? Does your teenage daughter drive a Lexus?
(4) When having dinner out as a family, do you let your kids play PSP or gameboys?
(5) Does your minivan have custom rims and flames painted on the side?
HOW TO BE LESS OF AN ASSHOLE PARENT: SOME TIPS
(1) Go to the cancer center of your local hospital and spend the afternoon reading books to the kids.
(2) Donate all of your kids' used toys, clothes and books to charity. One child's junk is another's treasure.
(3) Stop referring to your kids as "rugrats."
(4) Quit drinking beer and smoking cigarettes in front of your kid.
(5) Learn to apologize for your kid's behavior. A simple "sorry" goes a long way.
PURCHASING ASSHOLE PARENT OFFSETS
There are a variety of agencies and organizations whose missions nobly uphold the tenets of anti-asshole parenting. Here are a few where your donation would be welcome:
Obviously, the above quiz is a joke. I'm sure there are tons of people out there who would qualify me as an asshole parent for half the stuff I do. However, is it me or has there really been an increase in the number of asshole parents who seem to be loose on the streets these days? Or do all of them just live in my neighborhood?
Anyway, feel free to leave your own examples of asshole parenting. Either ones you've witnessed in person or are guilty of doing yourselves!