However, this only seems to have spurred my weird friends to text me even more. So, in lieu of the fact that I have nothing substantial to write about today and also because I just spent twenty minutes trying to figure out how to erase all the text messages from my phone, here are the latest batch of text messages deleted from my cellphone:
"Don't fuck with me. I know you are not at Olsteen. I'm at Olsteen. You are at Soho House with Jim. You are both going to hell. Heathens!"
"That bar in Harlem on Nicholas Ave is now a Chuck E. Cheese. I am upstairs very much enjoying myself."
"Girl arrived at 2:51 pm. 7 lbs. Toes. Fingers. Hair. All good. 5 pushes for mommy. No cursing or bruises for daddy this time."
"I'm in therapy. Why aren't you?"
"The only thing making me feel better today is the fact that you're older than me."
"Donna making me see SATC. Just being on tic holders line a joke. Woman in line said she needed to look up words while reading a review."
"Pork butts are the new short ribs."
"Bummed about Omar. A young'n did him."
"I gave up pot for Lent. Yes, I do know I'm Jewish."
"Download new Duran Duran album. Serious. And no, this is not 1986 texting your cellphone."
"I know you're a Korean Jew and it's Sunday but I don't want Chinese. I want stone crabs."
"I am sixteen going on seventeen. On repeat. Over and over again."
"My daughter just licked the pole on the subway. Another proud parenting moment."
"Just ran into RZA at a deli. Never saw a rapper order a blueberry muffin before."
"Don't come home. The A/C went out! I'm melting. Save yourself."
"Why does every toddler in NYC have a better haircut than me?"
"Living my life with new philosophy. WWPDD? What would P.Diddy do?"
For the record, all of the above text messages were sent to me by friends over the age of thirty-five. Notice how none of them used that retarded shorthand internet slang? That's because my friends know if they did (or used an emoticon,) I'd cut them.
What's the most random text message that YOU ever received? An inquiring mind wants to know.