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June 23, 2008


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The only text messages I get these days are from my kids. I don't understand half of them!

First Rough Draft

I call my girlfriend "Texty McTexterson" because she has a disease called Chronic Texting. I hate it. I hate text messages in general. However, if I got THOSE text messages, I might get a little more excited when my phone buzzed.


My latest and greatest (and random) was: beep beep i'm a brain tumor.


That Joel Osteen text cracked me up! Couldn't picture you at an Olsteen event, MD.


Dammit, MD! You should have warned me there was a spoiler for The Wire. I'm just finishing up season 4 and I've been SO careful. Damn!

I guess you don't do Twitter?

Most random text I haven't yet deleted: "We all survived this morning. No blood, no poop!" Yep, most of my friends these days are parents.


"Stepped on used tampon in Walmart parking lot this afternoon. How is losing used tampon NOT premeditated?!"

Helen B.

For some reason I've been getting all these random and wrong text messages sent to my phone. I'd complain to the phone company but they're so much more entertaining than the ones that are actually meant for me.

Got one Saturday night saying, "The party is totally rocking. The whole Get Fresh crew is here. Get yo ass over here now!"

I wanted to reply: "Can't right now. Breastfeeding my daughter. Maybe later?"


I love that last one. Before reading the second line, I knew what it meant. Which either means I'm shit ass cool, or I need to get a F'ing life.

These are the weirdest one on my phone in the moment. I delete them every few days. My friends and I all text with real words.

-Have lung issues again. Need bubble, extra large. Can I purchase at Home Depot?

-Paulie want a Mojito?

-Friend, Mojito is a vegetable.

-If you don't intervene, your nephew is going to be henceforth called Aleric. Not sure this is a real name. Help.

-Halfway up is upchuck cafe. Might also be called Chuck Wagon Diner. 104.2 miles. Meet you at 2ish.


Hello to my #1 while I'm doing #2

Aren't I lucky? lol


"yes, but the sex addiction seems more productive"

"you ain't got no rhythm. You're all rigid. You're like a bread stick. You ain't got the funk"

"Just like a bullfight"

"just pissed in the trough at Gleuks and thought of U...akward"

Rattling the Kettle

A friend once texted me with news of his death.

Needless to say, the news was greatly exaggerated.


I have a nerdy friend who texts me movie lines and I have to text back him back with the name of the movie it was from. He recently got a new cellphone and a new number. Of course he forgot to inform me of this and I spent all weekend trying to figure out who was texting me lines like: "You're a synthetic woman" or "To the last, I will grapple with thee."


I honestly appreciate a conversational style of texting. Well a funny text messages is okay every now and then. But I am hostile when it comes to messages that are foreshortened with these words u r...*shudders*

I called my friend's attention to stop chatting with me using "Text lingo" because I could not decipher her words. At least I was honest enough to tell it to her. :)

Black Hockey Jesus

"I'm in your backseat and I'm going to kill you." -from Deez


weirdest one today, sent at 4:04 in the am...

"so, i'm in the mood for fish. orange roughy...you?"


'NOTHING.! So we will have a pineapple eating sexcapade Tonight.'

LA Jane

"The kids are driving me crazy. How much do you think we can get for them?"


RZA eats blueberry muffins? I never would have guessed that. I had him pegged as a scone guy.


I never text anyone, I just call. Except when my friend K. flies in from Europe - she text me all the time so I have to text back. Roaming charges are a bitch. And so is calling a Norwegian cell phone number from your T-Mobile cell.

spontaneity and afterthoughts

Most of my sms are from my brother, India.
The last one says,"trying to call, says not available. call back.
I did.


Your friends are much funnier than mine. I don't think my friends even know how to text on their phones. I need to move out of the sticks.


My Dad, after a 20 minute drive home:
"Home again, home again, jiggedy jig!" sometimes shortened to, "HAHAJJ!"
He's 70!!!


My best text message is not all that random in context, but I've kept it because it cracks me up every time I read it.

From my best friend: "At least it wasn't a pube."


"will reply later, no signal here"

ike the dad

Like you, I'm not of the texting generation, MD. I'm a "pick up the damn phone and just call me" guy. In fact, I don't even reply to text messages. However, the funniest one I got was from my wife a few years ago after a rough day with the kids.

"Daughter peed on the couch. Son threw poop on the wall. Dog has diarrhea. When you come home, I'll be underneath the sink crying."

Not funny at the time but we can laugh about it now.


From my husband in a weird hotel:

"I think my chair is made out of alligator."

It was.

PS. I'm infatuated with Osteen. I'm an atheist but his tractor beam is strong. When I'm 84 I fully expect to be giving him all my social security money. Good thing there won't be any left for me/him.


How's this exchange for fascinating?

me: "where's the flip chart?"

my boss: "not sure"

my boss: "your son is here in food room looking for you. I will pair him up with little (redacted) and (redacted)."

Angie in Texas

" hav a good trip but Dont let any 1 put anything in ur butt."


With all due respect, that Duran Duran CD is pretty good. Timbaland produced it.


"If I die an unnatural death I want you to have my stuffed smurf, my hat signed by JLo and the police cone I stole from Indiranagar* Police Station"

Sent by my friend who is 25 years old who is sure he is gonna die an un-natural death...

* is a place in Bangalore, India.

P.S. Love ur blog...


Favourite texts of late:

"I'm drunk. Giv'r" sent at 10am by my fiance.

"Think I left my liver in Pittsburgh."


Praise the Lord they at least don't used the weird internet speak. My mom has started text messaging me (I don't even know where to begin) and she loves to use those damn emoticons.


I don't know...I'm still waiting for your text.
What do you plan on saying?

Paige Jennifer

I just snarfed my water.


"we've got a grunter" from across Home Depot on Saturday AM...I sent my son and husband off to check out the lawn mowers. Apparently, it was time for the little guy to drop a deuce.


"JizzFest 2008 is a GO"!

(My friend finally got a sperm donor!)


Best text message I've ever received:

"I just saw a black cowboy, thought of your mom, and laughed."

harry carey

Your friend is right. Pork butts ARE the new short ribs! Seems like every restaurant just added them to their menus in the past 3 months.

Most random message on my phone: "Don't leave the house. The Po Po are watching you."

I have no idea who it was from.


bc u want a boyyy but u dont realize he a girllllll (and that ill kick u =))



Most random test message?

My husband's beloved Southern grandmother got her first cell phone right before my birthday a few years ago. On the big day, I received a text that said, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Come see our baby chickens! Love, mamaw and papaw."

Best. Text. Ever.


" mom I just called your phone" since it is sitting on the kitchen table I will send you a text for you to read when you get home because I know how it annoys you" However it annoys me more when you don't take your phone to work love Dani

lucky lucy

From my younger brother: "Just tried acid for first time. You were right!"

Unfortunately my brother didn't send it to me. He sent it to our mom.


I'm another text hater. I hate it so much, I don't think I even know how to read them on my phone anymore. There's only one person who ever texted me and I quit talking to him because he's an irritating piece of shit (constant inappropriate texting was only one of the myriad charming traits he held). Other than that, it's just the occasional system message from AT&T, all of which are totally pointless texts, so I just delete them straight away.

Anyhow, I'm with you, dude. Stay solid. Don't let the text-happy-monkeys get you down.


I love this post! I'm SO sick of pointeless texts. The ones I get are usually absolutely pointless, but my husband has two certifiably crazy, text-happy friends. He was nice enough to lend me his phone.

"Wow,your parents really don't like me, do they?" - apropos of nothing, from old out-of-town friend


"Hey I NEED YOUR help. Can u call me tomorrow? This MUST remain on the MOST PRIVATE downlow! You are the ONLY one I can trust FULLY with this! Please call me tomorrow so we can talk. I NEED YOU. Hugs-" - someone who is not so much of a close friend (aforementioned obnoxious female friend).


Fun. Ok. Gym now.
Pray for the breasts.

(Context is everything.)


I think I'm the world's slowest text messager.
Whenever someone texts me, I always call back and it irritates me when the person doesn't pick up but will immediately reply when I text back. Obviously, the phone is nearby, just pick up!

HOWEVER, when I was trying to find a friend at Lollapalooza last year, it was easier to do so by text since we couldn't hear each other. Regardless, we still spent a lot of time wandering around until the set ended and the crowd dispersed.


"JD loves you because he farts in public too."


Curses for the Wire spoiler alert--I use the netflix and I'm not even close to being caught up.

The Boondocks covered the texting issue: nothing worthwhile was ever typed with thumbs.


Wild. What a great post. This is the text I know I'll miss more than the kiddie photos if/ when I lose this phone:

'Hour three. Just got out the water after first swim. One jelly fish. One team member vomiting. About to enter the south shipping lane. Morale good.'

Sent by my buddy whilst swimming the English Channel in relay. Cheers me up.

alice, uptown

Fortunately, I'm old enough that none of my friends knows how to text message. If any of them did, I don't know if I could figure out how to retrieve it. I do know that receiving any of them costs me money I don't care to spend.

If you want to reach me on my cell phone, then give me a call. That's why it's called a PHONE, isn't it? You know, that old-fashioned method of communication that involves speaking to someone?

By the way, did you delete (as I did) the email from our alma mater that featured a video of all the good things the little darlings did? I noticed that we didn't hear a word about our currently most infamous alum....and he's gotten more press than the rest of us put together.

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