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April 16, 2008

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Jasmine

You're the only guy I know who is equally comfortable talking about sports, fashion, literature, and pop culture. Hey, you know what? Your friends are right. You are the ideal cocktail party guest!

Emily

#1 - At dinner the other night -

3-year old boy: "Mommy's getting screwed at work!"

Daddy: "What?!"

3-year old boy: "Yeah, somebody's screwing Mommy at work!"

My husband jokingly tried to get a name out of him, and thankfully he named one of his friends, and not any of the men I work with.

#2 - 3-year old boy has a fascination with his penis, and grabs it constantly.

Me: "Stop grabbing yourself."

3-year old boy: "I'm just givin' it some love!"

divinemissk

umm, actually, jimmy fallon is still a die-hard yankees fan he just said he felt sympathy for the red sox after making "fever pitch." my best friend and he go to yankees games all the time.

Tawnya

Kid comments are a riot. My daughter has come out with some crazy stuff in her four years. When she was three, we had a pretty interesting conversation about school.
Her: Mommy, I want to be an animal doctor when I grow up.
Me: Okay, but first you have to finish elementary, middle and high school. Then you'll have to go to university.
Her: Oh. How about a people doctor?
Me: Same.
Her: Then I'll be an astronaut.
Me: You'll still need to go to school for quite a while sweetheart.
Her: Oh. Well. Can I just be a kid then?
Me: I think that's a great idea.

Of course, the other day when her dad told her to stop whining and go upstairs to brush her teeth, she stomped up the stairs muttering, "whine, whine, whine, whine..." under her breath the whole way.

Mama Nabi

Oh my. Hmmm, kids do say the darndest thing - wait, there IS a Cosby theme to all this. :-)

I've noticed that if I get clothes from Korea, I'm set for trend part - they usually are in fashion here by the next season. Why is that? Fashion seems to travel from Europe-Asia-America... is that a fair assumption?

Anyway... I used to have a thing for Ed Norton (love his acting) but am wondering where the hell he is these days...

Frank

My wife scored us a near impossible reservation at Babbo last year for my 40th birthday. It was the meal of my life. Had the beef cheek ravioli with black truffles, the rabbit, and the veal loin. Like you, I have dreams about that meal. Sometimes I'll start thinking about it in the middle day and I'll start salivating like a dog.

Malcolm

I couldn't read anything past the point where you said you went to a Ricky Martin concert. WTF, MD!

Avon

I'm not sure if someone mentioned this, but Claire Huxtable was a lawyer. Cliff Huxtable was an obstetrician.

Lunasea

There's a Thomas the Tank Engine song that goes,

Don't give up,
show determination
Don't give up,
you'll be a big sensation.

When A. was just three, he sung this version:

Don't give up
Your penis gets hard sometimes,
Don't give up
Your penis gets hard sometimes.

Trish

After putting together a puzzle, my 2 y/o declares, "I'm too smart!"

Elaine

I'd been away for business over the past week so I was a little bit smothering when I came back. I guess it was a little too much for my 4 y.o. because at one point he turned to me and said, "Please, mama. I need my space!"

janet b.

My husband and I were sitting on the couch and I was reading him your post. He was laughing at all your replies but when I read him the part about the Ricky Martin concert, he kind of gave me a sort of nervous laugh. Turns out HE went to that concert too! I can't believe it. You AND my contractor husband went to see Mr. J-Lo in concert? That really IS embarrassing!

shana

How about the time I took my 5-year-old twin daughters to Lowe's and they spotted the gold-color shower heads: "Ooh Mommy, look! Golden showers! I *LOVE* golden showers!" Uhhh. Can we go look at the lawnmowers now?

Christian

Kiddo story:
The other day I was holding my four month old who was all smiles and cuddliness when all of a sudden he let out a shriek that sounded like an angry baby pterodactyl and followed it up with uncontrolled crying. My three year old was standing there and looking at me wondering what I was going to do about the sudden outburst, so I said to him, "what's going on? What does the baby want?". In a most condescending tone he informed me that all that the baby needed was for me to "cram that passy in his pie-hole!", and then he walked over, plugged the baby up, and walked out of the room.

LogicalMama

As for karaoke, I can't believe you left out Total Eclipse of The Heart!!! WTF?! Best Karaoke song EVER!!

At the gas station, my husband says he's running in for a frapaccino, do I want anything. I ask him to get me a couple of advils, I have a headache. He says, we have advils at home, why didn't you get them there? I say we have frap's at home, he could've got one also. He heads to the shop and I forget my then, 3 yr old is in the car with me and proceed to bitch. I say, "you won't get me advils for a headache, but you'll get your fucking frapuccino." A minute later, husband exits store with frapuccino and as he gets in the car, our son yells, "no dad, no! not the fucking frapuccino!!"

For the love...

Years ago my, then 3 year old daughter asked my Husband's new boss..."My Daddy has got a "pen-is" whatchooo got?"

Dawn

I defy any female who was a teen in the 80's to say that she did not fall in love with the actor who played Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles. Swoon!!! I think he was in a Cher movie with Winona Ryder (Mermaids?), and then poof! He was gone. I hear he is now a carpenter. He must have strong hands...

carosgram

Anyone who accepts free babysitting from a 27 year old slacker is asking for the baby to pick up 'quaint' phrases. You can't get one without the other.

CaliMommy

My 4-year-old son and I were sitting on a bench outside a Dental Clinic when an elderly woman was being pushed out on a wheelchair. She was slouching over, her head bobbing from side to side, still sedated from the dental work she most likely underwent. I knew my son was staring intently at her, when he said to me in a solemn voice: "Look, mommy, someone didn't brush their teeth."

elizasmom

Today, I had my daughter at work with me, and she was playing with my tape dispenser when a co-worker stopped by and said hello to her. She ignored him, and, when pressed to be polite, muttered, "Can't talk, busy taping."

Melissa

Recently my husband and I were driving with our 3 year old and I noticed he had his finger up his nose. I told him to stop and as he pulls his finger out (with a booger on it... of course) he goes "da da da daaaaaaaaaaah! Direct from my nose, for three dollars!"

Mipsy

I have a terrible habit of saying "Dry your eyes Princess" about anyone who complains about relatively minor matters.

I have obviously used this once or twice too often on my daughter, who after waking me up to go to the toilet at 2am, and having me ask her to hurry up looks at me with her big baby blues and in an undeniably sulky tone muttered back at me "Dry your eyes Princess"

Better stop using that one....

Kate

I never thought I'd hear a funnier comment than my 18month old neighbour asking if my hair holds secrets, but the delicious fart, the fucking frapuccino, and the sedated old woman who didn't brush her teeth, are giving it a run for it's money.

JJ Daddy's Baby Momma

Funniest thing a kid said:

Little Mary Sunshine, after seeing the intensely private JJ Daddy get out of the shower, "Mommy, Daddy's got a TAIL!"

Stephanie

Dinner tonight after telling a story about a childhood dog:
"Where is the dog now?"
"She died honey."
"Oh, she is in heaven, the big H."

Cindy

My oldest daughter coming off the bus on her first day of "Family Life" class with 20 other parents standing around

"MOM I HAVE A VAGINA AND SO DO YOU"

My 4 year old screaming

"I WANT A BAGINA TOO - CAN I HAVE A BAGINA - PLEASE MOM????"

Girls are sooooo much fun.

Kristine

Our son is more than a handful, but he does make us laugh. Here are a few of my favorite examples:

One day when Noah was about three, he gently grabbed both of my boobs and said "What are these Mommy?".

After almost choking I said "They're breasts Noah".

"Oh, breasts" he said, "You get them at Target."

Trying not to laugh I replied "hmmmm...
that's interesting, where do you think you find them at Target."

Looking at me like I was a bit lacking in intelligence..."On the shelf, Mommy!".

Ohhhh....

-------------------

While having "words" with one of his teachers:
"Miss Lara, it's Noah's world...get over it."

---------------------

When his teacher wasn't talking to him because he was being mouthy:

"Uhoh, I think someone pushed the pause button."
While holding up a pretend remote. "Click"
---------------------

Daddy: Noah, do you remember how old I am?

Noah: You are fifty.

Daddy: that's great, can you count to fifty for me?

Noah: No Daddy, that would take too long, that would take hours!
-----------------

Teacher: Noah, you don't seem to have your listening ears on, please put them on.

Noah: I can't, they are flying around the room and I can't catch them.
-----------------

The other morning Noah was checking out his nostril with his finger, almost like he'd never encountered it before. I asked him what he was doing and he looked at me with his big brown eyes, and with amazement in his voice he said "Mommy...it's a tunnel...for boogers!"
-------------------
Over the weekend Daddy was trying to get Noah to go upstairs to bed. Of course there was resistance and I hear Daddy tell Noah that "Daddy is in charge." To which Noah promptly responds, "no Daddy, Mommy is in charge!".
-------------------

Rose

My then 2-year-old son would get excited when the UPS man would show up, except he'd be yelling "hey you poo ass man!" from the front door.

My now 3-year-old son is happy about being potty-trained and is always talking about his "weenis". He also asked me if his poop came out of his skeleton.


Shirls

My 4yr old daughter and I went off to a video shop to get some DVD's and I was aimlessly wondering around looking to see if anything good was in for myself when i see her, also looking at the other dvd's after she has chosen hers. Next minute..in her LOUDEST voice I hear (**shudders at thought**)

* Hello..My name is Borat
I like you
i like sex
Its Niiiiice*
Included was her best Borat accent! (She was looking at the Borat movie on the stand)

Of cos this happened when there were 500 people crammed into a shoe-box sized shop and there happened to be a moment of silence!!! Oh the shame!!!(and if her much older brother happened to be with us..i swear i would have decapitated him on the spot!!!! )

PS: I absolutely love your blog!!!

NurseRachett

My little niece is 2 years old now - potty trained, and loves attention. after demanding that she needed to go to the bathroom - we heard the toilet flush and she walked out of the bathroom.

All I remember hearing before my drink shot out through my nose was 'Mommy, I did a turd!!'

sjk

I have three funny comments from kids that I have never forgotten.

I grew up on a farm and babysat neighboring farm kids. While helping watch some kids at the county fair so their mom and dad could show the animals, I overheard the 5 year old I was babysitting, behind me, exclaim "who the hel_ put this cowsh_t here!" I blamed the dad for that one.

And my favorite from my own daughter: She potty trained at age 2 1/2, in January, right after Christmas. With all of this on her mind, she's sitting on the potty, proud of her accomplishment, and says, "I did it!" Then looks down some more at herself, thinks and states, "I like my vagina." using the correct terminology that she learned at daycare. Then looked down and thought some more and then said, "Does Santa have a vagina?" (trying to stifle my laugh, but also thinking how astute she was, since her mom is in charge of all of the Christmas planning)

But my favorite, which wasn't my child. Overheard on beach in FL, after a very heavy man walked by with his swimming shorts hiking up. The child said, "look mom, that guy's butt is eating his shorts."

JACK E. CHAN

That Kristy Lee Cook/Iran joke was on"the Soup" on E! and highlighted in Entertainment weekly.

nicki

My daughter just asked me why my butt smells so funny.

LissyJo

This just happened the other day...

I was home with the 3 yr old and the baby and both were losing it. My 3 yr old was driving me up a wall and screaming, causing the baby to cry. I had to stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath.

My 3 yr old stopped screeching and asked, 'Mommy? What are you doing?'

I said, 'I'm trying to be a good mother.'

She pats my leg and says in a most sincere way, 'You're not a good mother, momma!'

...then she prances away all happy and smug.

Jrock

You're the man MD! Great picks! If you see a brown guy riding a yellow Gunnar, it's me -- trust me, no one has my bike. I've seen only a few in the 5 years I've had it.

Liz

When my son was 3 and my daughter about 6 months old, he climbed up the side of the table to watch me change her diaper.

When I took the diaper off, he began laughing hysterically and said....

Look Mom! Clara's got 2 butts!

Adriana

My husband has a clear problem and total disconnect between mouth and brain while driving. His road rage is somewhat under control but he fails to monitor his speech when the 3 year old is the car.

Fast forward. Visiting Grandma. Stuck in traffic. Said 3 year old sitting in the rear cranes her neck to view the traffic situation up ahead and says....

"Fucking Assholes"

while shaking her head.

THANK GOD grandma is hard of hearing.

Lisa

In the car on our way to my husband's very Catholic family cookout, a conversation with my 7 year old son:

Him: Mom, you ever heard of this Pope guy?

Me: Of course. He is here visiting Washington, DC today actually. Do you know who he is?

Him: Yeah, he's this guy that has a really cool Mercedes.

Me: Yeah, but there's a little more to him than that son.

oyama naku

About going to meetings and finding your child's mementos: When my son was a toddler, he'd leave his favorite toys in one of our shoes. Everyday. That way (after finally asking why he'd do it), we would remember him for the rest of the day while we were at work. I never felt so guilty for leaving him with the babysitter. Mind you, that changed how my husband and I structured our working schedule. He worked days and I worked nights. (Note: we used to live in New York City, now living in the Northwest. And that changed the structure of our lives.) Of course, not everyone can do drastic changes in their lives; one just has to be creative enough to make a family's life livable to their own standards.

the other amy

I had the first brief conversation with my pre-teen daughters about basic sex education and encouraged them to talk with me or their dad instead of their friends if they had questions and we'd answer anything they asked. Minutes later my daughter came up to me.

Her---"Mom, I have a question."

Me---thinking "Damn, already" but answering "Yes dear."

Her---"Is it true that Elvis died on the toilet?"

Happy to say that was the easiest question either of them ever asked.

amica

My husband, just home from work told me that he was going to go upstairs and get changed. My 2 year old turned to me and said, "Daddy change? Daddy dirty diaper?"

NikkiD

My 5 year old son very badly wanted an Iron Man toy from Burger King, which he eventually got. The toy, of course, was cheap - the limbs weren't even articulated. The conversation about the toy went like this:

Hubby: Hey, was it worth it? Huh? Huh? (he loves to tease - it's quite annoying).

Son: (under his breath) Yeah it was worth it, you jackass.

Shane

My close friends have a two year old who mispronounces the work "smoke". It instead comes out like the F-word. Her dad finds this hilarious, and sometimes encourages her to use the word in ways like "How the smoke are ya?". Recently they were all present at a gyno visit (mom is pregnant with baby #2). At the appropriate time, the two year old blurted out "What the f--k are you doing in mommie's hoo-ha?"

Chad

My oldest son cracks me up on a regular basis, but one of his funniest exchanges ever was this, about six months ago when he was two-and-a-half:

Him - "Dad! Where's the red Robertson screwdriver? I NEED THE RED ROBERTSON!"

Me - "I have no idea. You're probably the last one who used it."

Him (sighing) - "It's hard being a boy without the proper tools."

On the subject of TV moms, it's a shame that only 12 people who aren't TV critics actually watch Friday Night Lights, because Tami Taylor (played by Connie Britton) is the best-kept secret on television. Not only is she gorgeous, she might be the most complete, complex, well-written (and acted) TV mother ever. Seriously.

Holmes

Wow, I didn't know you took questions. I'll have to think some up for next time.

Regarding that last one about the kid who picked up the unfortunate speaking habits, if anyone has a foolproof idea, I'd love to hear it because we're dealing with a similar problem. My wife's aunt left New Orleans right before Katrina hit. She had lived there her whole life, and nothing against the good people of NO, but her grammar is atrocious, and it's rubbing off on my 2 year old. Whenever he comes across something new, for example, he points at it and asks "What this are?" I try to correct him, but it's not sinking in yet. Ugh.

Ryan From Free Backstage Passes

Elyse Keaton? Come on! Top 50 maybe, but not top 3 and NOT number 1 for sure!

Aaron

Sorry I'm late to the game on this one, but I gotta say, greatest Karaoke song has gotta be Tubthumping. Great crowd-pleaser. Just be ready for the seemingly endless chorus loop at the end.

Steve M

I've been looking for a "safe list" of Karaoke songs that even I can sing for years. I even lived in Japan for a while where I made it an art to avoid Karaoke. If I'd only had the above list then.... Thank you.

Ethan, Zach and Emma's Mom

My three year old used to refer to fire trucks as "fire f--ks!"

Ethan, Zach and Emma's Mom

Just saw Jrocks post and remembered my five year old witnessing our infant daughter's first diaper change at home: "So, I see her privates fell off!"

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