MetroDad

It Takes a Village: Questions for Other Parents

How many times can a grown man watch "The Sound of Music" with his daughter before he completely loses his sanity?

What are the future ramifications if a young girl watches "The Sound of Music" 43,287 times between the ages of two and four? Will she want to move to Austria? Pursue a career in child services? Abandon a career in the nunnery?

Why do toddlers feel compelled to unravel an entire roll of toilet paper? Is the fun in watching it unroll or in watching your parents go completely bonkers?

Is baby perfume really necessary? Febreeze and scented baby wipes seem to work just fine for us.

If you are otherwise happy with your nanny, should it matter that her cellphone's ringtone is Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me?"

McDonalds Happy Meals: Ruthless case of aggressive fast-food marketing? Or greatest parenting tool ever?

If a little girl in the playground keeps pushing your adorable daughter to the ground, is it acceptable to give her an eating disorder? Or should I just confuse her by threatening to kick her in the nuts?

Is it wrong to feel completely smug and self-righteous when your kid is the only one not screaming and crying during the entire 5-hour plane ride?

Am I the only one who listens patiently to other people's boring parenting stories, waiting until they're done so I can tell my own boring parenting stories? 

By constantly telling kids to "use their words," are we raising the next generation of wussies?

Why would anyone let their pre-school son get a mohawk? Is life just not that interesting for him anymore? Is he rebelling? Against what? Vegetables?

Wait a second. High fructose corn syrup isn't just like corn? Uh-oh.

Why does everyone freak out about potty training? Do you have any adult friends who "just never quite got the hang of it?"

Anyone have any tips on how to get my toddler to take a bath? These nightly battles are driving me crazy. I'm thinking about throwing Happy Meals in the bathtub to entice her. It makes me feel like a lion tamer.

At what age do children learn to carry their own tissues and blow their own damn noses? I'm getting really sick of reaching into every single pair of my pants and pulling out a half-used snot-ridden emergency tissue.

Has anyone else gone into an important client meeting and taken out their laptop to do a PowerPoint presentation, only to find it covered with 50 Cinderella stickers?

Is it really possible for a human being to greatly enjoy a food but then one day decide never to eat it again? Or is that done solely to drive one's father insane?

What lasts longer? That fresh new baby smell or that fresh new car smell? I'm just wondering because my car still smells pretty good but my daughter's feet smell like vinegar.

Why do the worst tantrums always occur in the most public spaces with the most number of spectators?

The screaming and the whining. Does it EVER end?

Your answers to any of these questions are greatly appreciated. Feel free to add your own. Sometimes I think it really does take a village.

MetroDad Mailbag (April 2008)

It's been a long time since we've done a mailbag. I figure now is a good time to catch up because I'm about 3 months behind in replying to e-mails from readers.

Let's start off by saying that I'm always surprised by the questions that readers send in. I've always believed that I have the weirdest, coolest, smartest, and strangest readers on the internet. As always, your questions this past week seem to confirm it.

Let's get this thing rolling...

.

Who was the hottest TV mom in a family show? I read on ESPN that Bill Simmons voted for Elyse Keaton. Who would you vote for?
-- Bradley

Elyse Keaton definitely makes the top three. Not only is she attractive but also I think every guy has a secret fantasy about being with a hippie architect. It's one of those weird juxtapositions that you never actually see in real life (like sexy mechanic or slutty surgeon.)

I'd have to round it out with Clair Huxtable (still the hottest female doctor ever on television) and Maggie Seaver (reporter by day/desperate housewife at night.)

Erin Gray as Kate Summers Stratton on "Silver Spoons" wins as hottest step-mother.

Who do you think is going to win this year's American Idol?
--Janet B.

Personally I'm rooting for either David Cook or Syesha but truthfully I don't really feel any great allegiance to any of them. In fact, I don't really even like most of them. Especially the women. Am I the only one?

I can't put my finger on it but there's something that rubs me the wrong way about Carly Smithson, Brooke White, and Kristy Lee Cook. I have the sneaking suspicion that they're not quite as nice as they're trying to portray themselves on television. In fact, there's a big part of me that thinks that when they're home alone and nobody's watching, they kick the dog and make fun of Mexicans.

And can we talk about Kristy Lee Cook for a second? Has anyone since George Bush tried to parlay our feelings of national patriotism into a winning campaign? Every week, I feel like all she does is sing "Amazing Grace" and "God Bless the U.S.A."

Tune in next week as she sings "God Bless America," the following week as she brings home "America the Beautiful," and watch it continue until the season finale when she invades Iran!

I have to go to a karaoke party in a few weeks and I'm nervous as hell. I don't have a great voice and I've never sang in front of other people before. What are your top 5 karaoke songs?
-- Derek

As I've said before, I have a horrible voice. However, after years of trial and error, I've found that there are certain songs that any guy can sing well. Here they are:

Bryan Ferry's "Avalon"
John Denver's "Country Road"
The Ramones "I Want to be Sedated"
Oasis' "Wonderwall"
Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline"

Avoid anything by Guns & Roses, Sting, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, or Jay-Z. These are much harder than you could possibly imagine. If you're really drunk, it's ok to attempt Night Ranger's "Sister Christian." However, under no circumstances should you ever try singing anything by Journey.

You've been warned.

Bobby Flay or Mario Batali? That's it. Just pick one. You can set other parameters if you wish (best to drink with, more feared in an alligator wrassle...)
-- BackpackingDad

To eat their food?  Mario Batali. Every time I eat at Babbo, I end up having dreams about the beef cheek ravioli. Never had drinks with Bobby Flay but Batali can hold his own. That being said, I still want to be best friends with Paula Deen.

Would you consider a partner for MetroDog in near future?
-- Helen

Sadly, MetroDog had a vasectomy several years ago. He kept getting attacked by other dogs at the playground who were jealous of his virility. However, this is a perfect opportunity to relay a funny vasectomy joke I heard on the plane the other day.

After their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough little hillbillies. The husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbillie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Do you and Bosslady have "free passes" for any given celebrity? For example, if my wife is out one night and she sees Clive Owen, she is officially allowed to cheat on me with him. Likewise if I happen to run into Jessica Alba. Who would you and Bosslady choose?
-- JDG

I vaguely remember BossLady and I having this conversation several years ago. I think she chose Colin Firth. I chose Julianne Moore because she lives in our neighborhood and, as I annoyingly mention any time her name comes up in conversation, I'm pretty sure I caught her checking me out on the streets of Soho many years ago. Of course, that was before I had Lasik surgery so it could have been Julianne Moore.

But it also could have been Carrot Top.

Side point: Colin Firth's claim to fame was his starring role as William Darcy in the BBC version of "Pride & Prejudice." It's mindboggling how many women fell in love with him after that. Has any actor ever achieved so much adoration from women from one single role? The only one I can come up with is John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler. Anyone got any others?

What is the most embarrassing concert you have ever attended. Follow up: What was the best live show you've ever seen?
-Sarah

I went to see Tears for Fears a few years back and realized during the show that neither member of the band was an original member.

However, I'd have to say that the most embarrassing concert I ever attended was Ricky Martin. I wish I could say that alcohol, bribery or blackmail were involved. In actuality, a few buddies and I went to see him because we actually thought it would be a pretty good show. Not only have I never been more embarrassed, I've also never felt gayer.

Best live concert? Bruce Springsteen. Front row. Giants Stadium. Backstage passes. Met the Boss. I can now die a happy man.

Truthfully, would you prefer to have BL stay home or work? I don't think there's a perfect scenario as both are equally as hard.
-- Emily

Truthfully, my perfect scenario involves BossLady working and me staying at home.

I have moved to a city, Chicago, with a very rich sports history.  As a Denver-ite with my own sports loyalties, do I even both to acknowledge there are sports team out here and choose the Cubs or the Sox?  Or do I just say that both suck and continue being a home town fan?
-MikeyMike

Unless you're planning on staying in Chicago for the rest of your life, you need to suck it up and remain loyal to your hometown team. That's the cardinal rule, man. No switching loyalties. No jumping on bandwagons. No rooting for two teams.

I love Jimmy Fallon. In fact, he married one of my best friend's sisters. But Fallon claims to have grown up loving the Yankees but then, after filming "Fever Pitch," he switched loyalties and became a Red Sox fan. You can't do that! That's like rooting for the Sunnis and the Shiites.

That being said, there's nothing wrong with being a Rockies fan and going to some Cubs games. There are very few things more enjoyable in this world than drinking a few beers in Wrigley Field and watching the Cubs on a gorgeous Spring afternoon.

I was having a debate with my wife about the 5 most surprising things to ever happen on television. I won't tell you our choices. We just want to hear yours.
-- Jamie

Great question. I think we've all become so jaded about the formulaic outlines of TV plots that we forget those special moments that rock your world. In no particular order, here's my list of Top 5 "Holy shit! I can't believe that just fucking happened" moments that made my jaw drop.

(1) Kimberly taking off her wig on "Melrose Place." I still think that this is the freakiest thing ever shown on television. Seeing that huge scar still gives me nightmares.

(2) Rosalind falling down an elevator shaft to her death in "L.A. Law." Leave it to David Kelly to come up with one of the funniest and most unexpected ways of killing someone off on television.

(3) Teri Bauer's death on "24." Maybe the most shocking death on television. Think about it. In one day, Teri Bauer was kidnapped, tortured, raped, thought her daughter had been killed, got amnesia, and found out she was pregnant. She was rescued, Jack stopped the terrorist plot, and it looked like everyone would live happily ever after. Then, at the last minute, Nina Myers took her hostage, tied her up and slashed her throat, leaving her lifeless body to be found by Jack in the season's final scene. I remember BossLady and I staring at the television with our jaws open and yelling, "No fucking way!" I can't wait until the new season starts.

(4) Mork from "Mork and Mindy" getting pregnant and giving birth by ejecting a small egg from his navel. The egg grows and grows and finally cracks open to reveal a full-grown Jonathan Winters! It's hard to remember how funny and groundbreaking the first season of this show was when it first aired. Whatever happened to that Robin Williams guy?

(5) The entire plot development of "Lost." Season One was one of the most groundbreaking seasons in television. Seasons Two and Three were pretty weak but then Season Four kicked ass again. I think now that that the writers know when the show will end (after season 6,) everything will get a lot tighter and more focused again. It's clear from the glimpse-at-the-future episodes that we can expect "Lost" to continue to excite and shock us right up until the very end.

What are some of the best things about living in New York?
-Hapa Mama

Picnics in Central Park. Taking the subway to work. The energy, the feel, and the pulse. Off-Broadway shows. The architecture. Biking on the west side promenade. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. Skateboarding in Union Square. Sailing in Battery Park. The rooftop bar at the Met, the basement bar at La Esquina, and the outdoor bar at The Boathouse. Having at least six different local newspapers. Having a nail saloon, a 24-hour deli, and a shoeshine store on every block. Having food, cigarettes, and magazines delivered to your door at 3:00 am. The duck shumai at Dim Sum Go-Go. Guss' Pickles on Orchard Street. Pastrami from Katz's deli. Impassioned neighbors. Clashing cultures. An unyielding spirit.

The list could go on forever.

Help, MD! I've been dating my girlfriend for four years now and I'd like to propose to her over the summer. I've been doing some research online about diamond engagement rings and I heard that you're supposed to spend 2-3 months salary on the ring? Are they freaking kidding me? If I had 3 months salary saved up, I'd pay off my student loans, get a car, or buy some health insurance. What should I do?
-- Michael G.

Don't believe the hype. That salary thing is just another marketing campaign. It's an arbitrary amount pushed by the world's largest diamond producer DeBeers, the same people who helped promote apartheid, contributed to the war in Liberia, and have paid million of dollars in fines for international price fixing (for an interesting article, go here.) Do you suppose they have your best interests at heart? I think not.

If you don't have the cash now, you still have plenty of other choices. Like using a family ring or buying one from an antique store. Or getting one made from a precious gem stone. I've heard of some people taking out loans for diamond engagement rings but that sounds like a bad idea to me (especially since you don't have health insurance.)

Besides, we're actually very close to the point where synthetic diamonds are becoming indistinguishable from real ones. So maybe it's not a bad idea to start thinking about alternative stones for engagement rings. Maybe you'll be ahead of the trend!

I was going to ask you what is your favorite color of Crocs... but i know better! Seriously, what do you (as an insider) think is going to be the "I gotta have it" fashion statement this summer?
-- Jennster

My friends always give me shit for being the ideal cocktail party guest. They know that they can dump me on a random stranger and I'll find something to talk to them about---the Dolphins switching to a 3-4 defense, the merits of Norman Mailer, where to find a cheap tailor in Hong Kong, why Nas' Illmatic is one of the best albums of all-time, the highly underrated thrill of milking a cow, etc.

At some point in the conversation, the random stranger will ask what I do for a living. When I reply that I work in fashion, I usually get two responses: (1) "Really? Looking at what you're wearing, I never would have guessed" or (2) "So what's going to be hot next season?"

In all seriousness, I actually pay a lot of money to professional trend forecasters and color researchers to answer that question for me but because I love all of you readers so much, I'll share it all with you.

The big colors for women this summer are romantic pastels and sorbet tones. Platinums, neutrals and milky nude tones are also going to be very popular. The must-have items are flouncy voluminous skirts with fitted tops or cropped jackets.

Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think that I would write that last paragraph.

Let's move on, shall we?

Do you think your Mets will even make the playoffs this year? Especially the way they looked against my Phillies?
-- ByrdMan

I do. If Pedro and El Duque come back healthy, we'll have the best rotation in the NL. Also, it's only a matter of time before the bats start heating up. Beltran, Delgado, and Reyes are notoriously slow starters and usually play better in the warmer months.

By the way, the lovely and beautiful BossLady is out of town for business this week so I took the Peanut to the Mets game last night. Over the course of just 4 innings, my tiny three-year-old daughter ate a hot dog, a cotton candy, a pretzel, and some ice cream. These Dominican guys sitting next to us thought it was hilarious and started cheering her on. I think they half expected her, at some point, to shotgun a beer, belch, and light up a cigar.

We need your help, MD! My brother came to stay with us for 8 weeks. He's generally a good guy. A little uncouth but has a heart of gold. In return for staying with us, he helped watch the kids every day and also babysat on the weekends so that my husband and I could go out to dinner. My 5-year-old son adores his uncle and was like his little shadow during the entire time he was here. The only problem? My son has picked up on all my brother's sayings.

A few days ago, he got up from the dinner table and said, "Be right back. I gotta go take a piss." Yesterday, he was getting frustrated playing with some toys and I heard him yell, "Goddamn piece of crap!" How can I deprogram my son? I need him to stop speaking like a 27-year-old unemployed slacker! Help!
-- Lisa H.

I'm speechless. Short of electroshock therapy, I have no idea what I'd do in a situation like this. Readers? Anyone want to take a shot at this?

Lastly, I got a request from a reporter doing one of those stories on the funny things that kids say. I told her I'd ask my readers and she could look up their responses here. So go for it, my friends. What's the funniest thing you've heard a kid say?

Aside from "Be right back. I gotta go take a piss."

Pimp & Primp

We're going to start this post off with a big pimpin' endorsement to Cool Mom Picks.

Why? Many reasons. For one, the site is an amazing resource for moms who are looking for cool, new products to make their lives easier. They focus on non-mainstream products and services, particularly those from indie or emerging designers and mom/women-run companies. Go subscribe to their newsletter here.

Secondly, the two women who run Cool Mom Picks, Liz and Kristen, are not only good friends of mine but they're also cool as hell. 

That's why I found myself last Friday night in an East Village karaoke bar with 25 other awesome mommy bloggers who all happened to be in NYC for the weekend. To celebrate the occasion, the Cool Mom Picks ladies rented out a private karaoke room and asked me to come party with them. How could I resist? 25 mommy bloggers, me, and an open mike? Sign me up!

I should have known how things were going to end up when, within minutes of entering the room, I found myself singing Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" with Kristen. Several hours and many vodka shots later, LOD and I found ourselves singing a Kenny Loggins duet. Things get a little fuzzy after that but I have a vague recollection of singing Oasis' "Wonderwall" and clearing out the room.

Ladies, if there are any photos or videos of this out there, please burn them immediately. I am the worst kind of karaoke singer. I sound like a dying frog with asthma yet I have absolutely no inhibitions. My apologies to any of you who had to witness this in person. However, big thanks to Liz and Kristen for hosting such a fun evening.

Now, BossLady, Peanut and I are headed off for a little vacation. Since one of my oldest friends is getting married this weekend at this amazing resort on a private island, we've decided to take some extra time to enjoy ourselves.

I plan on spending my daughter's entire college savings in an attempt to set the record for "Most Spa Treatments Done in a Single Week." When the concierge from the resort called me yesterday and read me the full list of spa services, I just said, "Yes." After all, when else am I going to get a Thai Kalapa Volcanic Earth Clay Spa Ritual? Or a Milk and Honey Body Wrap? Shit, I think the only treatments I turned down were the prenatal massage and the margarita pedicure.

Lest you worry that I not be engaged in more masculine pursuits, I'll have you know that I'll be singlehandedly carrying two enormous pieces of luggage, a stroller, golf clubs, four tennis rackets, thirty-five Disney DVDs, twenty Dr.Seuss books, two stuffed animals, and a hyperactive toddler who thinks I'm her personal horsey. By the time the plane lands, I fully expect to have a pulled groin or a herniated disk. Hell, maybe I will get that prenatal massage.

Anyway, since those damn spa sessions never begin on time and since I expect to have a few free moments between cocktails, I thought this would be a good time for a MetroDad Mailbag. We haven't done one in a long time.

So go ahead. Ask me anything you want. Leave the questions in the comments or shoot me an e-mail. As always, we'll cover anything from the personal to the inane. As always, the weirder, the better.

By the way, quick question for all my male readers out there: Does the Bacon Bra make you hungry or horny? I'm asking for purely scientific purposes, of course.

Field of Dreams: My All-Asian Fantasy Baseball Team

As I've discussed on these pages before, two of my greatest passions in life are (1) being a proud Asian-American man, and (2) baseball.

So it's only natural that I have a special place in my heart for any MLB baseball players of Asian descent (even if they do play for the damn Yankees.) Part of it has to do with the inherent pride when we see people who look like us achieve success in any field. However, a bigger part of my love and admiration for Asian baseball players has to do with the fact that they are our greatest weapons in battling mainstream media's perception of the emasculated Asian male.

Look at some of the Asian baseball players in MLB today. Future Hall-of-Famer and perennial All-Star Ichiro Suzuki, with his matinee idol good looks, has modeled for the cover of GQ while making a strong argument for being one of the best hitters to ever play the game. Hideki Matsui is a modern-day Paul Bunyon who strikes fear in opposing pitchers by putting up some of the game's most awesome power numbers. And stud rookie sensation Kosuke Fukudome is already being hailed as the savior who will lead the Cubs to their first World Series title in 100 years.

Back when I was a slick-fielding Little League shortstop and dreaming of playing for the NY Mets, there were NO Asian players in Major League Baseball. Although the legendary Masanori Murakami briefly pitched for the San Francisco Giants in 1964-1965, it wasn't until Chan Ho Park made his debut with the Dodgers thirty years later that we saw another MLB player of Asian descent.

It makes me extremely proud to look around the clubhouses of Major League Baseball now and see so many Asians playing at virtually every position. I was thinking about this recently and I began wondering whether there were actually now enough Asian baseball players in MLB for me to draft an All-Asian Fantasy Baseball team. And how would that team stack up against the rest of baseball?

Let's take a look:

CF Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners)
2B Tad Iguchi (Chicago White Sox)
RF Kosuke Fukudome (Chicago Cubs)
LF Hideki Matsui (NY Yankees)
3B Akinori Iwamura (Tampa Bay Devilrays)
C Kenji Johjima (Seattle Mariners)
SS Chin-Lung Hu (Los Angeles Dodgers)
1B Kaz Matsui (Houston Astros)
DH Johnny Damon (NY Yankees)

SP Daisuke Matsuzaka (Boston Red Sox)
SP Chien-Ming Wang (NY Yankees)
SP Hiroki Kuroda (Los Angeles Dodgers)
SP Akinori Otsuka (Texas Rangers)
SP Kei Igawa (NY Yankees)

RP Hideki Okajima (Boston Red Sox)
RP Chan Ho Park (Los Angeles Dodgers)
RP Cha Seung Baek (Seattle Mariners)
RP Takashi Saito (Los Angeles Dodgers)

Few notes:

(1) I put Kaz Matsui at 1st base because there currently no Asian 1st basemen in MLB. I figured he was well-suited because of his glove skills. He's lost some arm strength over the years and Chin-Lung Hu is more of a natural shortstop.

(2) Yes, Johnny Damon is half-Asian. His mother is Thai. You didn't know that?

So let's take a look. How does my All-Asian Fantasy Team measure up?

Actually, I think we look pretty damn good. We've got a great blend of veteran leadership and young players. We've got a nice mix of guys who can get on base and guys who can hit for power. Even though Ichiro is probably the sole Golden Glover, the defense is pretty solid.

Our pitching staff is led by D-Mat and Chien-Ming Wang. I'll put those two aces up against any 1-2 combo in baseball. Kuroda was a freaking stud in Japan and could have a monster year for the Dodgers this year. Otsuka and Igawa should be more than serviceable filling out the back end of the rotation.

The bullpen is probably the team's biggest weakness. Saito is a decent enough closer. Probably better than most others in MLB right now. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much we'll get out of Okajima, Park, and Baek. The plus side is that our starting pitchers tend to eat up a lot of innings so a top-notch bullpen might not be as important.

You know what? This is a pretty damn good team. I'll bet they could win 80-90 games. Put them in the National League and they might end up making it to the World Series. How great would that be?

Play ball, my Asian brothers!

Cross-posted over at Rice Daddies.

Is there any better time of year than the start of Major League Baseball? I just got my season tickets in the mail and I'm looking forward to long summer evenings at Shea Stadium. We love going to Met games as a family. In fact, I think BossLady holds the Shea Stadium record for most cotton candy consumed during a single game. And Peanut thinks the greatest thing in the world is when everyone stands up to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!"  These are some of the fondest memories I think we'll all cherish as the Peanut gets older. Hopefully, she'll still want to go to the game with her old man.

Let's go Mets!

Chaos Theory: April 2008

AND SO IT BEGINS...

Recently my 3.5-year-old daughter has gotten into the habit of rolling her eyes at me and sighing. Are you freaking kidding me? It starts that early? I thought I had at least another 5 years.

Oh well...at least she doesn't give me the hand and say "whatevah!"

TV: TOOL OF THE DEVIL OR MAGICAL PARENTING MACHINE?

Am I a bad parent because I'm trying to teach my daughter how to operate the remote controls for the TV so I can get a few extra hours of sleep on the weekends? It's frustrating as hell. I don't understand why she can't comprehend the concept of powering up the plasma with the black remote, turning on the cable and 5.1 surround sound system with the silver remote, and then switching on the Tivo with the white remote. Jesus Christ! How hard can it be? Even my parents can do it!

CHASING IMMORTALITY AND NORMAL-COLORED PEE

I recently read an interview in Wired magazine with Raymond Kurzweil, the brilliant scientist and pioneer in the fields of health, artificial intelligence, the technological singularity, and futurism. Apparently, he has been working with several of the world's leading longevity physicians and is on an advanced nutritional regimen that involves taking 180 to 210 vitamins and mineral supplements a day.

Hell, I figured this couldn't hurt so I started trying a modified version. I started taking some advanced multivitamins, niacin, Coenzyme Q10, and CLA.

I stopped after one week because my pee looked like nuclear waste from Chernobyl. It was radioactive yellow. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. It also smelled like the urine of a Frenchman who had been subsisting solely on a diet of asparagus, Gorgonzola cheese, and andouillette.

Too much information? Sorry, my friends. Let's move on.

THREE (MORE) PHRASES I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD COME OUT OF MY MOUTH

(1) "For the last time, I do NOT want to look at your poop."

(2) "Please stop shoving edamame up your nose."

(3) "I really don't like it when you wake me up by licking my entire face."

 

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

Been on a bit of a reading tear over the past two weeks. And because so many readers often e-mail me and ask what I'm reading, I thought I'd do another set of short book reviews.

Quick thoughts:

Lush Life: A Novel (Richard Price): It's only April but this has to be on the short list for one of the best American books of the year. Presently, there is no better writer chronicling urban life in this country. His dialog and attention to detail are masterful.

His Illegal Self (Peter Carey): I've always been amazed by Carey's versatility. His ability to master so many different genres, his brilliant sense of social context, and poetic mastery of the English language make him one of our greatest modern authors. However, I think I must be the only person on the planet who didn't like this book. I just didn't "get" it.

The Player of Games (Iain M. Banks): I used to read a lot of science fiction when I was younger. Mostly stuff like Asimov or Bradbury. I hadn't really read any in over 20 years. A friend sent me this and I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn't know people whose work focused on science fiction could also be such talented literary writers.

Bangok 8 (John Burdett): Don't believe the hype. I give this book the finger. This so-called exotic thriller romanticizes Thailand in a patently absurd and shallow manner. You'll feel no human connection to any of the chapters and the plot lines take forever to develop. If you're interested in this genre, check out Colin Cotterill's series of mysteries set in Laos. Much better written.

Also, I'm pleased to announce that two friends of mine have released books this past week. Rebecca Woolf's "Rockabye: From Wild to Child" chronicles her entry into motherhood and Pamela Paul's "Parenting, Inc." breaks down the business of parenting. I've received advance copies of both and am still reading them. They're both fantastic reads. Go check them out!

PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she gently slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's fucking amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

This joke is dedicated to my friend Greg at DaddyTypes, who has taught me that there are more people than I ever would have imagined who can afford to spend $3,000 on a crib!

LIFE IMITATING ART

My daughter and I spend a lot of time together so it's only natural that she's picked up some of my colloquialisms and expressions. However, she's at that age where she will instinctively pick up any adult phrase and start employing it immediately with her peers. I had no idea how far things had gone until I went to visit her at daycare the other day.

As we all sat in a circle listening to the teacher quietly read us a story, one of the Peanut's classmates let out an audible fart. Immediately, my tiny little daughter stood up and yelled, "Hey, who stepped on a duck?" Her comedic timing was impeccable.

I've never been so mortified and proud at the same time.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING SOMETHING HERE?

Asked for a reaction to the news that he'd been endorsed by reality-soap bad girl Heidi Montag of "The Hills," John McCain told Time magazine: "I’m honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started."

 

THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!!!

Have you seen this mind-boggling article in Philadelphia magazine? Over the course of the piece, we learn about:

1. An eight-year-old receiving a bikini wax.

2. A ten-year-old getting microdermabrasion.

3. Numerous children under ten getting highlights.

4. Nine-year-olds getting professional makeup lessons from Vogue photo-shooting makeup artists.

5. Birthday parties where all the little girls get a full day's worth of beauty treatments.

Apparently today's girls are spending much of their time looking in the mirror. They have a new obsession — a self-obsession — and it's being aided and abetted by their mothers. What the hell is wrong with these mothers? Why can't they just let their kids be kids?  Shouldn't we call Protective Services on them?

This disturbing beauty obsession among young girls has apparently gotten to the point that there is a chain of full-service spas/salons targeting young girls scheduled to launch soon.

This makes me gasp, cringe, cry, throw up, and want to send my daughter off to a convent. With all that's going on in the world around us, it's hearing things like this that make me lose my faith in humanity. 

Oy vey, someone get me a freaking cocktail.