Chaos Theory: April 2008

AND SO IT BEGINS...

Recently my 3.5-year-old daughter has gotten into the habit of rolling her eyes at me and sighing. Are you freaking kidding me? It starts that early? I thought I had at least another 5 years.

Oh well...at least she doesn't give me the hand and say "whatevah!"

TV: TOOL OF THE DEVIL OR MAGICAL PARENTING MACHINE?

Am I a bad parent because I'm trying to teach my daughter how to operate the remote controls for the TV so I can get a few extra hours of sleep on the weekends? It's frustrating as hell. I don't understand why she can't comprehend the concept of powering up the plasma with the black remote, turning on the cable and 5.1 surround sound system with the silver remote, and then switching on the Tivo with the white remote. Jesus Christ! How hard can it be? Even my parents can do it!

CHASING IMMORTALITY AND NORMAL-COLORED PEE

I recently read an interview in Wired magazine with Raymond Kurzweil, the brilliant scientist and pioneer in the fields of health, artificial intelligence, the technological singularity, and futurism. Apparently, he has been working with several of the world's leading longevity physicians and is on an advanced nutritional regimen that involves taking 180 to 210 vitamins and mineral supplements a day.

Hell, I figured this couldn't hurt so I started trying a modified version. I started taking some advanced multivitamins, niacin, Coenzyme Q10, and CLA.

I stopped after one week because my pee looked like nuclear waste from Chernobyl. It was radioactive yellow. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. It also smelled like the urine of a Frenchman who had been subsisting solely on a diet of asparagus, Gorgonzola cheese, and andouillette.

Too much information? Sorry, my friends. Let's move on.

THREE (MORE) PHRASES I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD COME OUT OF MY MOUTH

(1) "For the last time, I do NOT want to look at your poop."

(2) "Please stop shoving edamame up your nose."

(3) "I really don't like it when you wake me up by licking my entire face."

 

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

Been on a bit of a reading tear over the past two weeks. And because so many readers often e-mail me and ask what I'm reading, I thought I'd do another set of short book reviews.

Quick thoughts:

Lush Life: A Novel (Richard Price): It's only April but this has to be on the short list for one of the best American books of the year. Presently, there is no better writer chronicling urban life in this country. His dialog and attention to detail are masterful.

His Illegal Self (Peter Carey): I've always been amazed by Carey's versatility. His ability to master so many different genres, his brilliant sense of social context, and poetic mastery of the English language make him one of our greatest modern authors. However, I think I must be the only person on the planet who didn't like this book. I just didn't "get" it.

The Player of Games (Iain M. Banks): I used to read a lot of science fiction when I was younger. Mostly stuff like Asimov or Bradbury. I hadn't really read any in over 20 years. A friend sent me this and I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn't know people whose work focused on science fiction could also be such talented literary writers.

Bangok 8 (John Burdett): Don't believe the hype. I give this book the finger. This so-called exotic thriller romanticizes Thailand in a patently absurd and shallow manner. You'll feel no human connection to any of the chapters and the plot lines take forever to develop. If you're interested in this genre, check out Colin Cotterill's series of mysteries set in Laos. Much better written.

Also, I'm pleased to announce that two friends of mine have released books this past week. Rebecca Woolf's "Rockabye: From Wild to Child" chronicles her entry into motherhood and Pamela Paul's "Parenting, Inc." breaks down the business of parenting. I've received advance copies of both and am still reading them. They're both fantastic reads. Go check them out!

PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she gently slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's fucking amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

This joke is dedicated to my friend Greg at DaddyTypes, who has taught me that there are more people than I ever would have imagined who can afford to spend $3,000 on a crib!

LIFE IMITATING ART

My daughter and I spend a lot of time together so it's only natural that she's picked up some of my colloquialisms and expressions. However, she's at that age where she will instinctively pick up any adult phrase and start employing it immediately with her peers. I had no idea how far things had gone until I went to visit her at daycare the other day.

As we all sat in a circle listening to the teacher quietly read us a story, one of the Peanut's classmates let out an audible fart. Immediately, my tiny little daughter stood up and yelled, "Hey, who stepped on a duck?" Her comedic timing was impeccable.

I've never been so mortified and proud at the same time.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING SOMETHING HERE?

Asked for a reaction to the news that he'd been endorsed by reality-soap bad girl Heidi Montag of "The Hills," John McCain told Time magazine: "I’m honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started."

 

THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!!!

Have you seen this mind-boggling article in Philadelphia magazine? Over the course of the piece, we learn about:

1. An eight-year-old receiving a bikini wax.

2. A ten-year-old getting microdermabrasion.

3. Numerous children under ten getting highlights.

4. Nine-year-olds getting professional makeup lessons from Vogue photo-shooting makeup artists.

5. Birthday parties where all the little girls get a full day's worth of beauty treatments.

Apparently today's girls are spending much of their time looking in the mirror. They have a new obsession — a self-obsession — and it's being aided and abetted by their mothers. What the hell is wrong with these mothers? Why can't they just let their kids be kids?  Shouldn't we call Protective Services on them?

This disturbing beauty obsession among young girls has apparently gotten to the point that there is a chain of full-service spas/salons targeting young girls scheduled to launch soon.

This makes me gasp, cringe, cry, throw up, and want to send my daughter off to a convent. With all that's going on in the world around us, it's hearing things like this that make me lose my faith in humanity. 

Oy vey, someone get me a freaking cocktail.

Comments

[Alex]

Ew. I'm still trying to figure out what it is exactly that an 8-year old needs to remove from her "bikini area" with wax...

[Jesse]

I've been amazed at how you manage to read so many books while having a job, a wife, and a child. Either you're a speed-reading meth addict or you're one of those people who only requires an hour of sleep per night.

I feel like I haven't read a book since my daughter was born...3 years ago!

[Helene]

What is wrong with these mothers? How could they do this to their children?

[kittenpie]

1. It's the B vitamins that's behind the pee, I'd bet. Stress vitamins do that, and they have the higher B levels.

2. $3K on a crib? I hope it puts the kid to sleep for you. For that, I'd pay even more.

3. I can't even get started on that article. What would an 8-year old be removing with wax exactly? Unless her mother's been feeding her some hormones so she'll grow breasts early and be sexy, too? Yoiks.

[Mama Nabi]

I am SO PROUD of Peanut - not the rolling her eyes part but the 'duck' one. Too funny.
That McCain quote is way over my head - I didn't even know that show existed until last week.
Radioactive pee can be useful - toddler, dark bathroom, don't want to turn the light on lest the harsh lights make the said toddler cry... of course, I don't know if LN would be willing to be my guinea pig to this theory.
Either MetroDog has been shoving edamame up his nose or Peanut's getting pretty versatile with her licking. Poop one? Yeah, both dogs and toddlers seem fascinated by their poop and expect you to feel the same way.
And... I have too much to say about that article. None too kind. There should be some kind of legal action against vapid airheads reproducing. The 8 year old getting a bikini wax thing is mind boggling... I don't get it. I couldn't finish the article... it was too sad.

[Trish]

WTF?! I'm 29 and I've never gotten a bikini wax, microdermabrasion, or professional highlights! Is it me or is this another coming sign of the apocalypse?

[Chelle]

I live in SoCal, "The OC" actually. In the same community as the "Real" (and I use that term loosely) Housewives on the Bravo TV show live.

I am a SAHM wondering how I'm going to raise my 2 girls without an entitlement attitude. But please don't let my address fool you; I shop at Old Navy, had PB&J for lunch today, and bought a used car last year because that's what I could afford to pay cash for.

It's frightening to see not only parents who want to be their kids friends, (I don't want to be my kids' friend; I'm her parent dammit!), but even more frightening/disgusting to see women doing that to their young girls.

To say that it's society's fault is wrong. Yeah, it's on TV. But my kid doesn't watch it. Nor does she own "Bratz" dolls, or get her nails painted. Does she ask? Sure. Does she get it? The answer, is no, sweetie. That is for adults....

Thanks as always for the thoughtful insight!

[sugarplumsmom]

Oh. My. God. I couldn't even get through that entire article. That is truly disgusting and sad for those little girls.

And ditto on the Bratz dolls.. I hate those skanky looking "dolls"

[Jen]

What exactly does an eight year old have to wax off? I'm disturbed beyond all reason.
I'm pleased to see some anti-Bratz comments here. I was starting to think I was the only one who hated those damned dolls.

[Kat]

My children are not allowed to own Bratz Dolls...or the Barbie My Scene dolls. I can't even imagine what some parents are thinking...waxing an 8 year old...isn't that child abuse?

[merseydotes]

The "whatevah" girl is HILARIOUS. Although when I saw my friend's 4 1/2 year old say the same thing - and not in a joking, egged on way - the other day as part of a battle of wills, it sort of terrified me.

That article is so sad. Those girls have virtually no chance of making it into adulthood (or even their teen years) with intact self esteem or self worth. They're being taught by their mothers in their prepubescent years that their faces, bodies and hair(s?) are bad, wrong, unattractive and shameful. Isn't that what child abuse does? Maybe someone should call Protective Services.

[Kathy]

when I was 10 I was getting microbicycleabrasion.

[nonlineargirl]

Your daughter isn't the only one picking up choice phrases lately. Our 2.5 year old neighbor is also fond of "who stepped on a duck?" and has taught it to my husband. He is inordinately pleased by that one. So far Ada hasn't caught on.

[girdtmom]

Why should the Peanut have to learn how to use three separate controllers? Get a Harmony remote! DH got one and now I can finally turn on the stinking TV/Xbox/whatever without having to figure out which of 6 remotes to use (geez, I can't believe I'm delurking to plug a gadget).

[Jeremy Neal]

Man - I wish I would have printed this post and taken it with me to the thinking room. Thanks for the reminder to take my vitamins - it's more fun when yellow and blue make green. I like the duck comment - when my daughter was in kindergarten she told her teacher that she had to shake the lilly and drown the barking spiders. I am with you on the TV thing - it is my only saving grace to get work done at home. As for the eye rolling...wait until she becomes a teenager and say, "But dad, I'm a woman now." WTF happened to my little girl is the only thing that will run through your mind. Great post! -Jeremy @ Discovering Dad

[mo-wo]

On that girls thing. What is up with the girls underwear? When I was a kid there were Grandma underwear, ladies underwear and girls underwear. The last two are now indistinguishable. Can the Grandma's be far behind?

This really isn't appropriate on a Daddy blog is it?

And you haven't seen this -- you should. Lots of people should.

[Loth]

I'm so glad you like Iain Banks - he is my favourite author and lives not far from me. I am, however, far too awestruck to ever approach him in person! All his books are good, both the science fiction and his other stuff. Try The Wasp Factory - his first and still probably his weirdest.

[Stacey]

The day our 4 year old figured out how to load a DVD, and then select the right option to get the episodes to play, was one of the greatest days of my life. But the joy only lasted 48 hours. Now instead of the 4 year old waking us up at 5:30am to turn on the TV, the 3 year old wakes us up at 5:40am complaining about his brother's viewing selection.

[Marie]

If it's any consolation, I didn't like Carey's new book either. From all the hooplah, I was expecting it to be MUCH better. Lush Life is next on my reading list.

[happybell]

What can an 8 year old have that needs waxing?!!? My gosh, how can they put their kids through that! It hurts like hell to get waxed...I can´t imagine how that hurts for a kid who´s basically having her skin pulled, ´cause there´s nothing else to pull.

And the trauma they´re causing them...uggg

The duck comment had me laughing for a while.

About the remote, it was so much easier when all you had to do was press a button and "turn the wheel" .

[Rosie]

Ummm... normally I'd agree to the popular opinion on prepubescent waxing, but my 9 year old looked like Frida before we had her brows done. I'm all for letting kids be kids. Unfortunately kids were being kids and starting to make her self-conscious about her rather prominent unibrow.
One parent's perspective

[denise k.]

OMG...just hearing someone mention French andouillette makes me want to puke. I don't know how the French eat that stuff. It smells like a steaming pile of feces!

I feel badly for those girls who are undergoing these absurd beauty treatments. It's certainly a new phenomenon.

My girlfriends and I have a theory that all women should go through that awkward, ugly duckling phase during their adolescence. That's what builds character and self-esteem!

[gynoamerican]

It's so upsetting that we are raising a whole generation of girls who think that how they look is more important than what they do with their lives. Not only do these "beauty" treatments sexualize little girls, its an easy way to teach them that this is what they should be spending their time doing instead of growing their minds. It's really sad.

Thought you might find Peter Segal's rant about the Dr. Seuss movie interesting:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89318829

[scientist]

Little girls are developing secondary sexual characteristics at an alarmingly young(er) age these days. Some people say it's hormones in food and milk, others say that this culture's sexualization of children actually makes their bodies react. It's probably chicken or egg. But it's not inconceivable that an 8 year old would have pubic hair. Sad, but not inconceivable.

[jessica mathers]

Why do little girls even know what this stuff is? Someone give them a damn book already - like, Anne of Green Gables, not Gossip Girl - and tell them to go climb a tree.