Chaos Theory: March 2008

UMM. THANKS, COACH!

Yesterday, my not-quite-3.5-year-old daughter smacked me on the butt and said, "Nice job today, Daddy. I'm really proud of you!"

IF HILLARY HAD WON, THEY'D HAVE GONE WITH "VANILLA ICE"

After John Edwards dropped out of the race, Ben Cohen and Jerry Grenfield, co-founders of legendary Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, publicly endorsed Barack Obama for president. Those of you in the U.S. know that Ben & Jerry's is famous for naming flavors for those they admire; past flavors include "Cherry Garcia" (named for Jerry Garcia) and "Americone Dream" (named for Stephen Colbert.)

Recently, Slate Magazine held a funny contest to name a new ice cream flavor for Mr. Obama. Some of my favorite entries included "Obamana Split," "Baracky Road," and "Barackademia Nut."  Ready for the winning entry?

"Yes, Pecan!"

Man, I love this country! Is that brilliant or what? What flavor would you make up for McCain?

THREE PHRASES I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD COME OUT OF MY MOUTH

(1) "Eat your broccoli or no dessert."

(2) "Stop putting Cheerios in your vagina."

(3) "Bend over so I can wipe your butt."

 

CHECK YO HEAD!

On Tuesday night, I saw the Beastie Boys in concert (that's right, mofos. On a SCHOOL night!)

The concert was fantastic. The Beastie Boys and I are roughly the same age and in many ways, I consider their music to be the soundtrack of my youth. Throw in the fact that they're native New Yorkers and I feel even more of a special kinship with them.

Quick thoughts:

(1) The crowd was very strange. I expected a typical cross-demographic representation of B-boys, club kids, hip hoppers, and hipsters. However, the audience was predominantly a bunch of thick-necked white guys from New Jersey. Lots of air-punching going on.

(2) When the tickets say that doors open at 7:00, you know that the band probably won't come onstage until 10:00. In a previous life, you would have spent those three hours drinking with your friends or trying to meet women. Now, you spend those three hours quietly calculating how much you'll ultimately have to pay the babysitter.

(3) Also to be filed under "Sign of the Times," you will incredulously leave the concert before the band is done playing because you want to "beat the rush." Teenagers will look at you scornfully with disgust.

(4) When you're no longer 25 years old, you can't run around onstage for 3 hours straight. The Beasties are no different. I found it amusing how they would alternate high-energy songs with funky mellow instrumentals. It reminded me of myself trying to jog.

(5) I was always a big fan of MCA (aka Adam Yauch.) I used to run into him at bars, concerts, or parties back in the day. Now, I think it's funny that the only time I see him is when I'm at the playground with the Peanut and he's there throwing a frisbee with his daughter. Man, the times they are a changin'.

PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says: "Holy shit. That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes a seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her senses that she is agitated and asks her what's wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumes.
The man sympathizes and says: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she says, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a great idea," the man says. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

3 THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER DO...EVER

(1) Wearing a toupee or use spray-on hair. Toupees always look fake. With spray-on hair, you're essentially painting your head. If you're going to paint your head, then while you're at it, why don't you just wood-panel your testicles, ok?

(2) Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?" Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?" Ask yourself, "What would Martha Stewart do?"

(3) Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?" (That question is, and always should be, completely rhetorical.)

BANNER VOTE

Thanks to everyone who submitted MetroDad banners for the site. I can't believe how many you guys sent in. It was awesome. Thanks so much.

Here are my five favorite banners that readers submitted. I'm not sure which one I'm going to use. Tell me which one you like best. The designer of the winning banner will receive (1) a brand-new Apple Shuffle, (2) a full ensemble of work-out/casual athletic clothing, and (3) a $50 American Express gift certificate.

Vote for #1-5. (Click to enlarge)

Which one do you guys like best?

 

Comments

[MP]

You have some talented readers and all the banners are great although my faves are 2 and 3. But you really need a banner with a "pee before you read this" warning, especially for those of us who have had multiple vaginal births.

So, things I never thought I would say:

"uh oh" (after sneezing)

"no I will not hold your penis for you"

"stop humping my leg please"

Sorry for stiffing you on the cab. I had a brain fart. Next time first round's on me.

[kate]

I like the simplicity and familiarity of #2, but wonder if it would look too plain with the rest of the page design?

In saying so, #3 is my 2nd fave...but I think #4 or #5 would compliment the rest of the site the best. So really, this post is supremely unhelpful. Holla!

[Mike]

I like #2, too.

[janelle]

I like #2 and #3. Is there some way to combine them?

[Jo]

Michelle,funny Mc Cain flavours! FunnyHubby!

[Courtney]

#3... or #1. Both great!

[laurel]

I say #4, just the right mix of familiar and fresh!

[crystal]

I initially liked #2 the best, but I see why a lot of people like #3. I like how it introduces the characters in a very stylish and modern way, but you also have to redesign this if you choose to have a second child, but if you were planning on revamping your banner every few years, I guess it wouldn't matter.

I like #2 the best because I think the icon and the poppycock line should definitely stay. It may be simple, but I like the clean lines. It will have longer staying power. Less is more.

#3 is too crowded, and I don't like the emphasis on the map. It doesn't look classy enough.

I get the scotch reference in #1 and it's clever, but it only encapsulates a certain aspect of you who are.

#5 is clever too and very MOMA-esque (as another reader commented), or like a cover for a TASCHEN art book (those little small ones you get in art museum gift shops), but if you weren't a reader before, it would be hard to decipher the letters standing for METRO. I also can't tell if the M is made up of two laundry pins or chopsticks.

[Tessa]

#4 is my favorite!!!

[KidKate]

#3 followed closely by #2.

[jameil]

no.1 also... "Stop putting Cheerios in your vagina."?! wow. may i never have to say that!

[ann (fchen)]

voting for #1.

[Dawn]

I love three but also like four quite a bit. Tough choice!

I like #4!

[Kim]

#4 gets my vote.

Re: calculating how much the babysitter is costing... argh!! That's all that seems to go through my husband's head while we're out. Totally sucks the fun out of the evening.

[Lisa]

#2 it is.

[Fran Magbual]

I'm voting for #4. I love that it incorporates your "iPod" silhouettes. Perhaps if this turns out to be the winning banner you can do an update of the silhouettes since the Peanut is of course bigger now.

#5

[Tricia]

#3 with your tagline added ... or #2

[Shannon]

3

[Jenny]

They are all great, but I vote for #2.

Yes, concerts change as you age. I knew I was old when I gave up my backstage passes and the opportunity to meet U2 so that we could "beat the rush" and get home at a decent hour. In my defense, I did have to be at work very early the next morning. Still, what a loser!

[Suzette]

Hubs and I went to a concert last night. While waiting for the band to come on, I could tell that he was thinking about how much we'd have to pay the babysitter. I told him about your post and, after laughing about it, he relaxed a little. Of course, we still left early to beat the rush!

[Brina]

I think some sort of combination of #2 and #3 would be perfect. I love the chair idea but I also love the ipod sihouette.

[lena]

Been telling that "Yes, Pecan" story all day. Everyone agrees that it's pure genius.

P.S. I like #3.

[alienheadmama]

we vote for #3. think that the ipod reference is dated now and not as hip as you probably are.

[Claire]

Definitly number 2

[Tom N.]

Number 3. My second place choice would be the first, but I think the third one is best.

[yueqing]

The first one!I would love visiting a blog with that design!

#1 or #4.

[suecing]

#4!

[jstele]

#2

[runa]

no. 4 goes well with the colour scheme here.

[Velma]

I'm going for the classics these days - re-reading Jane Austen, making my mashed potatoes from scratch, digging out my Coach tote purse - so I'll vote for #2.

[KC]

Beautiful banners. I like #2 for you. Clean, simple, modern.

But, props to the sesame ball.

[Amy]

Definitely #3. Although, they all pretty much rock.

[MJ]

#2, foll. by #3

[Makabe]

You got some cool entries. I'm going to say #3 is the best. #5 is really creative, but I love how the third one incorporates your whole cast of characters (which is what I always cally *my* family...)

[Phoenix]

I love the first one.

[michelline]

I'm so jealous that you guys saw the Beasties in concert. I used to have such a crush on all of them. How did they look?

My vote's for #2.

[Whit]

Those are great banners. I'd say the first one.

Does MCA ever come up to you in the park and ask, "yippie, yo, you know this kid?"

[bradley]

I like #1. Goes with the whole scotch motif.

[Amica]

#4!! You need to keep the dad witht the I-Pod holding a baby (it says everything in a picture) and the map puts in NYC - this says it all!!

[ASteve]

I like #1 and #4

[Tina]

Love #4

[Sara]

#4 is the best

[toki]

i think the o on #5 should be a cheerio -- but i like #2 & 4 the best.

[CwazyG]

#3 for sure. but don't forget to add "Poppycock from a cocky pop" under "Metrodad".

[Katie]

1st choice: #4. Second choice: #2

They're all pretty rad. These two stand out especially though because they'll mearch well with the rest of your blog without your hanving to overhaul your whole space (font/color scheme, etc.) Happy shopping!

[Andy]

I personally would pick #2. It's pretty crisp and clean.

[seet]

I love #3! It allows plenty of rooms for imagination.