Chaos Theory: March 2008

UMM. THANKS, COACH!

Yesterday, my not-quite-3.5-year-old daughter smacked me on the butt and said, "Nice job today, Daddy. I'm really proud of you!"

IF HILLARY HAD WON, THEY'D HAVE GONE WITH "VANILLA ICE"

After John Edwards dropped out of the race, Ben Cohen and Jerry Grenfield, co-founders of legendary Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, publicly endorsed Barack Obama for president. Those of you in the U.S. know that Ben & Jerry's is famous for naming flavors for those they admire; past flavors include "Cherry Garcia" (named for Jerry Garcia) and "Americone Dream" (named for Stephen Colbert.)

Recently, Slate Magazine held a funny contest to name a new ice cream flavor for Mr. Obama. Some of my favorite entries included "Obamana Split," "Baracky Road," and "Barackademia Nut."  Ready for the winning entry?

"Yes, Pecan!"

Man, I love this country! Is that brilliant or what? What flavor would you make up for McCain?

THREE PHRASES I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD COME OUT OF MY MOUTH

(1) "Eat your broccoli or no dessert."

(2) "Stop putting Cheerios in your vagina."

(3) "Bend over so I can wipe your butt."

 

CHECK YO HEAD!

On Tuesday night, I saw the Beastie Boys in concert (that's right, mofos. On a SCHOOL night!)

The concert was fantastic. The Beastie Boys and I are roughly the same age and in many ways, I consider their music to be the soundtrack of my youth. Throw in the fact that they're native New Yorkers and I feel even more of a special kinship with them.

Quick thoughts:

(1) The crowd was very strange. I expected a typical cross-demographic representation of B-boys, club kids, hip hoppers, and hipsters. However, the audience was predominantly a bunch of thick-necked white guys from New Jersey. Lots of air-punching going on.

(2) When the tickets say that doors open at 7:00, you know that the band probably won't come onstage until 10:00. In a previous life, you would have spent those three hours drinking with your friends or trying to meet women. Now, you spend those three hours quietly calculating how much you'll ultimately have to pay the babysitter.

(3) Also to be filed under "Sign of the Times," you will incredulously leave the concert before the band is done playing because you want to "beat the rush." Teenagers will look at you scornfully with disgust.

(4) When you're no longer 25 years old, you can't run around onstage for 3 hours straight. The Beasties are no different. I found it amusing how they would alternate high-energy songs with funky mellow instrumentals. It reminded me of myself trying to jog.

(5) I was always a big fan of MCA (aka Adam Yauch.) I used to run into him at bars, concerts, or parties back in the day. Now, I think it's funny that the only time I see him is when I'm at the playground with the Peanut and he's there throwing a frisbee with his daughter. Man, the times they are a changin'.

PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says: "Holy shit. That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes a seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her senses that she is agitated and asks her what's wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumes.
The man sympathizes and says: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she says, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a great idea," the man says. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

3 THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER DO...EVER

(1) Wearing a toupee or use spray-on hair. Toupees always look fake. With spray-on hair, you're essentially painting your head. If you're going to paint your head, then while you're at it, why don't you just wood-panel your testicles, ok?

(2) Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?" Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?" Ask yourself, "What would Martha Stewart do?"

(3) Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?" (That question is, and always should be, completely rhetorical.)

BANNER VOTE

Thanks to everyone who submitted MetroDad banners for the site. I can't believe how many you guys sent in. It was awesome. Thanks so much.

Here are my five favorite banners that readers submitted. I'm not sure which one I'm going to use. Tell me which one you like best. The designer of the winning banner will receive (1) a brand-new Apple Shuffle, (2) a full ensemble of work-out/casual athletic clothing, and (3) a $50 American Express gift certificate.

Vote for #1-5. (Click to enlarge)

Which one do you guys like best?

 

Comments

[Renee]

BTW, I like #3 best. If there were some way to incorporate the ipod photo, it would be even better.

[HCG]

#3 and #4. Wait a minute. I can't make up my mind. Moon in Libra anyone??

[Michelle]

Here are my husband's suggestions for a McCain flavored ice cream:

Crotchety Cream

Iraqi Road

Vanilla Coot

Extremely White Chocolate

Fossil Food

Prostate ‘n Cream

Vanilla Forever

[Rob O.]

Banner #2 is great!

[Fi]

Last week, our not-quite-3.5-year-old daughter told me in the car that she "needed to have some personal space." I almost lost it.

I like #3.

[Linda]

My vote = Number 2

[carrie]

I like the last one.

[ida]

I like ALL of those banners. Your readers really are talented.

[Christine]

I like #2

[Bekka]

Definitely torn between 1 and 3. You know what, I'll go with three.

[Jacqui]

This was such a fun post, MD. Thanks for making my afternoon.

BTW, those are some of the best banners I've ever seen. I like #3.

[kittenpie]

Candy McCain? (ooooh!)

I like #2 because I've always loved that little icon of yours. But I also really like #3 for being a bit more filled-out while staying pretty clean. It tips the hat to your design snob sensibility, immediately says family, and points out who's who to newcomers. I think I vote #3, but only if you keep the little icon guy on the sidebar.

[Paige Jennifer]

Wait, what's wrong with putting Cheerio's in your vagina...?

(I almost took this further but then I realized I would forever ruin my chances to one day run for President)

[joy]

#2

[NG]

#4 because I just love that iPod photo. You gotta work it in somehow.

[Chris Austria]

Best post of the week!!!!
Go for #4...

[Childsplayx2]

Wow. Those are frickin' awesome!

I'm partial to #2 but I like #4 a lot too.

Good luck picking!

[JJ Daddy's Baby Momma]

#5 Rocks! It has all the elements - chopsticks and rice balls, comb for your sacrosanct hair, etc. etc.

[JJ Daddy's Baby Momma]

Loved the cheerios in the vagina.

Lately mine has been "Boogers are not a food group".

[nonlineargirl]

I want to like #4 (I have a thing for maps) but against my better judgment like #3 with the chairs.

[carosgram]

#5

[lawschoolmom]

I like #3.

[lainey]

The other day I heard myself yelling "will you please stop eating the dog's food?"

I like #2 and #3.

[Katherine]

I love love # 3 better.

[christina]

chairs, map, jin-dui, plain metro dad - in that order. Scrap #1, I see the whiskey label effect, but I agree with another poster, not metro enough.

[Jennifer]

#3 then #2

[gina]

4 FTW!

[Sal]

I'd say #1 is very much you, but a lot of people didn't get that. #5 is cool, more children-focus, but what's the "T"?

[enygma]

Number 2!
What a great name for the ice cream. At first, I was at a loss, until I tried saying it in a more enthusiastic tone of voice. =D

[Amyesq]

Here's a great Beastie Boys joke I saw on College Humor and now cannot find the link to to save my life.

Guy one: Ch-che-che-che-check it out!

Guy two:
Wh-wha-wha-what's it all about!

Guy one:
Th-tha-thanks for m-m-m-aking fun of my s-s-stutter, asshole!

We're big BB fans here. My 16-month-old twins have Beastie Girls shirts.

# 2 with the chairs added to it (i dont like the green text box on the side of 3

[Reb]

#5

[virginia]

#4, but metrodog should be the only thing not in silhouette. Make him look "real", for want of a better word.

[bunnygoeszen]

#3!!!!

[Carol Snider]

#4

[kim]

Great banners - #2 and #3 get my vote!

[Menchie]

Number 4. :D

[liss]

#3!!

[Hygiene Dad]

I nearly lost my dinner when I read the Cheerios line.

#4 would fit better. #2 is nice, but doesn't look different enough from what you currently have.

[Pamela]

I vote for #3

[Breanne]

My vote is with number 1... but number 2 is a close second.

And you really never thought you'd utter, "Eat your broccoli or no dessert"? Huh.

[Ashley]

I like #3 but I would change the green box to blue.

[RubiaLala]

#1 and #3.

[wanida]

i think #3 is really well done but i think #2 suits you more.

[mrsmcj]

#2-- it's simple, clean and strong.

[LogicalMama]

I like #3 but it doesn't have the poppycock statement which I love and feel it must stay....

Michelle's McCain flavors above are hysterical--Extremely White Chocolate! Love that!

A parental statement I never thought I'd say.... "Honey, don't put the rubberband around your penis!"

[momomax]

*2*

you make a good tom sawyer. brilliant.

[orange slippers]

vote for #4

[pei]

gawd they all look so slick.

but #3!! the chair for peanut should be bite-sized though.

[Aditi]

Most definitely #4