UMM. THANKS, COACH!
Yesterday, my not-quite-3.5-year-old daughter smacked me on the butt and said, "Nice job today, Daddy. I'm really proud of you!"
IF HILLARY HAD WON, THEY'D HAVE GONE WITH "VANILLA ICE"
After John Edwards dropped out of the race, Ben Cohen and Jerry Grenfield, co-founders of legendary Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, publicly endorsed Barack Obama for president. Those of you in the U.S. know that Ben & Jerry's is famous for naming flavors for those they admire; past flavors include "Cherry Garcia" (named for Jerry Garcia) and "Americone Dream" (named for Stephen Colbert.)
Recently, Slate Magazine held a funny contest to name a new ice cream flavor for Mr. Obama. Some of my favorite entries included "Obamana Split," "Baracky Road," and "Barackademia Nut." Ready for the winning entry?
Man, I love this country! Is that brilliant or what? What flavor would you make up for McCain?
THREE PHRASES I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD COME OUT OF MY MOUTH
(1) "Eat your broccoli or no dessert."
(2) "Stop putting Cheerios in your vagina."
(3) "Bend over so I can wipe your butt."
CHECK YO HEAD!
On Tuesday night, I saw the Beastie Boys in concert (that's right, mofos. On a SCHOOL night!)
The concert was fantastic. The Beastie Boys and I are roughly the same age and in many ways, I consider their music to be the soundtrack of my youth. Throw in the fact that they're native New Yorkers and I feel even more of a special kinship with them.
(1) The crowd was very strange. I expected a typical cross-demographic representation of B-boys, club kids, hip hoppers, and hipsters. However, the audience was predominantly a bunch of thick-necked white guys from New Jersey. Lots of air-punching going on.
(2) When the tickets say that doors open at 7:00, you know that the band probably won't come onstage until 10:00. In a previous life, you would have spent those three hours drinking with your friends or trying to meet women. Now, you spend those three hours quietly calculating how much you'll ultimately have to pay the babysitter.
(3) Also to be filed under "Sign of the Times," you will incredulously leave the concert before the band is done playing because you want to "beat the rush." Teenagers will look at you scornfully with disgust.
(4) When you're no longer 25 years old, you can't run around onstage for 3 hours straight. The Beasties are no different. I found it amusing how they would alternate high-energy songs with funky mellow instrumentals. It reminded me of myself trying to jog.
(5) I was always a big fan of MCA (aka Adam Yauch.) I used to run into him at bars, concerts, or parties back in the day. Now, I think it's funny that the only time I see him is when I'm at the playground with the Peanut and he's there throwing a frisbee with his daughter. Man, the times they are a changin'.
PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says: "Holy shit. That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes a seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her senses that she is agitated and asks her what's wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumes.
The man sympathizes and says: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she says, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a great idea," the man says. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
3 THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER DO...EVER
(1) Wearing a toupee or use spray-on hair. Toupees always look fake. With spray-on hair, you're essentially painting your head. If you're going to paint your head, then while you're at it, why don't you just wood-panel your testicles, ok?
(2) Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?" Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?" Ask yourself, "What would Martha Stewart do?"
(3) Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?" (That question is, and always should be, completely rhetorical.)
Thanks to everyone who submitted MetroDad banners for the site. I can't believe how many you guys sent in. It was awesome. Thanks so much.
Here are my five favorite banners that readers submitted. I'm not sure which one I'm going to use. Tell me which one you like best. The designer of the winning banner will receive (1) a brand-new Apple Shuffle, (2) a full ensemble of work-out/casual athletic clothing, and (3) a $50 American Express gift certificate.
Vote for #1-5. (Click to enlarge)
Which one do you guys like best?