Chaos Theory: March 2008

UMM. THANKS, COACH!

Yesterday, my not-quite-3.5-year-old daughter smacked me on the butt and said, "Nice job today, Daddy. I'm really proud of you!"

IF HILLARY HAD WON, THEY'D HAVE GONE WITH "VANILLA ICE"

After John Edwards dropped out of the race, Ben Cohen and Jerry Grenfield, co-founders of legendary Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, publicly endorsed Barack Obama for president. Those of you in the U.S. know that Ben & Jerry's is famous for naming flavors for those they admire; past flavors include "Cherry Garcia" (named for Jerry Garcia) and "Americone Dream" (named for Stephen Colbert.)

Recently, Slate Magazine held a funny contest to name a new ice cream flavor for Mr. Obama. Some of my favorite entries included "Obamana Split," "Baracky Road," and "Barackademia Nut."  Ready for the winning entry?

"Yes, Pecan!"

Man, I love this country! Is that brilliant or what? What flavor would you make up for McCain?

THREE PHRASES I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD COME OUT OF MY MOUTH

(1) "Eat your broccoli or no dessert."

(2) "Stop putting Cheerios in your vagina."

(3) "Bend over so I can wipe your butt."

 

CHECK YO HEAD!

On Tuesday night, I saw the Beastie Boys in concert (that's right, mofos. On a SCHOOL night!)

The concert was fantastic. The Beastie Boys and I are roughly the same age and in many ways, I consider their music to be the soundtrack of my youth. Throw in the fact that they're native New Yorkers and I feel even more of a special kinship with them.

Quick thoughts:

(1) The crowd was very strange. I expected a typical cross-demographic representation of B-boys, club kids, hip hoppers, and hipsters. However, the audience was predominantly a bunch of thick-necked white guys from New Jersey. Lots of air-punching going on.

(2) When the tickets say that doors open at 7:00, you know that the band probably won't come onstage until 10:00. In a previous life, you would have spent those three hours drinking with your friends or trying to meet women. Now, you spend those three hours quietly calculating how much you'll ultimately have to pay the babysitter.

(3) Also to be filed under "Sign of the Times," you will incredulously leave the concert before the band is done playing because you want to "beat the rush." Teenagers will look at you scornfully with disgust.

(4) When you're no longer 25 years old, you can't run around onstage for 3 hours straight. The Beasties are no different. I found it amusing how they would alternate high-energy songs with funky mellow instrumentals. It reminded me of myself trying to jog.

(5) I was always a big fan of MCA (aka Adam Yauch.) I used to run into him at bars, concerts, or parties back in the day. Now, I think it's funny that the only time I see him is when I'm at the playground with the Peanut and he's there throwing a frisbee with his daughter. Man, the times they are a changin'.

PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says: "Holy shit. That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes a seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her senses that she is agitated and asks her what's wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumes.
The man sympathizes and says: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she says, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a great idea," the man says. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

3 THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER DO...EVER

(1) Wearing a toupee or use spray-on hair. Toupees always look fake. With spray-on hair, you're essentially painting your head. If you're going to paint your head, then while you're at it, why don't you just wood-panel your testicles, ok?

(2) Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?" Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?" Ask yourself, "What would Martha Stewart do?"

(3) Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?" (That question is, and always should be, completely rhetorical.)

BANNER VOTE

Thanks to everyone who submitted MetroDad banners for the site. I can't believe how many you guys sent in. It was awesome. Thanks so much.

Here are my five favorite banners that readers submitted. I'm not sure which one I'm going to use. Tell me which one you like best. The designer of the winning banner will receive (1) a brand-new Apple Shuffle, (2) a full ensemble of work-out/casual athletic clothing, and (3) a $50 American Express gift certificate.

Vote for #1-5. (Click to enlarge)

Which one do you guys like best?

 

Comments

[Kate C.]

I vote for Number 4! Also, that joke nearly made me spray my laptop with coffee. Thanks. :)

[Angie in Texas]

D'oh I'm #2! (heehee, i said #2. . . ) okay, enough with the 12 year old humour . . .

I say #4 or #5.

*BTW, my ex-husband does that spray on stuff and he looks like a complete idiot!

[Helene]

I'm so jealous you saw the Beastie Boys in concert. I don't think I've been to a live show in 5 years (I'm not counting Sesame Street Live."

My vote is for #3.

[Kate]

I like #2. Simple but forceful.

[Eunice]

#2 and 4. It's simple and it just shouts METRODAD.

[Mike]

I like #4 but #2 is probably a better banner because it is a little simpler.

[Jessica H.]

Between "Yes, Pecan" and your parenting joke, I just snorted out laughing twice at my desk in less than a minute. I think my coworkers think I'm strange.

I like #3.

[Casie]

#5!!!!

[Moose]

vote for #2

[metro mama]

I like #2

[Robin]

#2 or #3.

I like that no. 2 retains the tagline and the iPod image, but maybe a bit too empty?

As for 3, I like the chairs; they immediately establish the key characters in this blog's world and make a strong visual statement.

[zenoma]

Wow. It's a close one, but I'm feelin' #4!

[Jana]

Absolutely nothing is to go into the vagina. That is a rule for every parent's house.

I vote for #3.

[nicki]

They're all awesome! I like #1 and #4..oops can't decide which one's better.....

[mr. big dubya]

I like #3 but it will need to be updated should you and BossLady ever come over to the Dark Side and have a second child.

[Jamie E.]

DH and I don't go to concerts during the week anymore. Last time we did, he was so tired that he fell asleep on a couch during the show!

[John]

#2

[Xdm]

Number 1. (I'm all about the Scotch references.) 2 is clean and modern, but I like the outline on the right. (Keep it regardless.) 3 is good, but if you guys do this again, you'll have to do a re-design. 4 is a bit busy and five? I can only tell what the "E" is. (Is the "O" a matzo ball? You don't put sesame seeds on a Matzo ball, do you? (Spoken like a true catholic girl from the midwest.)

[McNally]

#2 simply rocks. Elegant, yet masculine.

[jennyb]

Wow. ALL those banners are awesome. You have some talented readers, MD.

[Jessie]

I'm a fan of #5, although they're all pretty awesome. You definitely have some talented readers.

[Crystal]

#1!!!!!

[yules]

time to un-lurk! i'd go with 2 and 3. like the simplicity of 2 and the concept behind 3. marry the two, perhaps?

[Leslie]

#3...gotta have a place for the peanut!

[Amy]

I like the design of #1. But I think #3 and #4 are the most interesting.

[jj]

#2, #4, or #3 (in that order). reasons against the other banners: the font in #1 does not seem "metro" enough (more appropriate for a cowboy from the midwest) & #5 seems a bit MOMAesque (again, out of "character" w/ this blog).

[connie]

touch choice! all of them look great! i personally like #4 :)

[Rattling The Kettle]

I'd like #4 better if there were a hole in that sesame bagel.

The older I get, the more the answer to "are you ready to rock" is "can you give me just a minute here?". Sigh.

#5 is perfect!

[Kelly]

#2, #3 or #4!

[Alex]

#1 is clever and elegant.

[TJ]

yes, i'm a loyal lurker. voting for #s 3 and 4.

[Darren]

Whatever McCain's flavor might be, it would be reliable, old and plain.

I vote for number 4. I like number 1 too though.

[HB]

I'm from the South so when I read "Yes, Pecan!" I was pronouncing it puh-cahn. Which prompted me to say to myself, "That's not particularly clever Ben and Jerry." Then I remembered not everyone says it right. :)

The following are a few things I never thought I would have to say:

"Please don't rub your cheese on your toe, just eat it."

"No, the cat does not want any of your Cheerio's. That was sweet of you to share, though."

"Please don't spit at my computer."

"Parsley is not a train. Please eat your enchilada."

"Pizza is not a boat. Please eat your dinner."

[halfmama]

McCain Flavor: Gookies 'N Cream. (Idiot.)

The last time I saw The Beastie Boys was at Lollapalooza in 1990 (I think??). Now the idea of getting body-slammed makes me want to get in my pjs and crawl into bed.

My vote is for #3.

[6th Floor Blogger]

I like four.

You're not supposed to shout out a response to "are you ready to rock?" You should never reveal to your opponent if you're going to throw rock over paper or scissors.

[Woojum]

You are hilarious, MD.

How about, "Swain McCain Blondie."

I like #1, contrary to the popular vote here. It's classy.

[henitsirk]

I like #2, the iPod one. Though that sesame ball did catch my eye...

My daughter regularly tells me, "Mama, you did a GOOD JOB cooking dinner!" Nothing like a little affirmation of my abilities from a 4-year-old.

[inna]

first time commenting!

stumbled upon your blog and ended up reading the entire archive in one night because i was hooked. now my parents will have to send me to rehab... hahaha.

jokes aside, #3 rocks my boat!

ps: write more more more!

[kate]

I believe I'll chime in and be the second person to vote for #5. But all of them are super swell, so really, it's a good place to be in when even the losing choice is awesome.

[RA]

That ice cream name is fantastic. Oh, I love puns so much.

As for the banners, I love #3, but what about L'Enfant Part Deux? That said, I vote for #2. Less is more, as they say.

[dina]

I like # 3 but it would be even more hilarious if they put metro dad in the middle instead of the peanut.

[BossLady]

My vote is for #3 but the ideal banner would have a space for MetroDog as well.

Runner up would be #2.

[stefania]

#4- I like that its colorful & I think the poppycock line too good to leave behind! And seems very You (even though I don't really know you and we never met, but youknowwhatimean)
-Thanks for writing- your posts always crack me up!

[Jo]

Without question, no.2. I love the silhouette, and no 4 is too obvious.

You've left me pondering the possible benefits of putting cheerios in my vagina :)

[Marc]

You have to keep the iPod shadow image incorporated somehow - that's a winner

[Laura]

For McCain, I would suggest Polident Swirl.

[Mama Nabi]

#3. There. I can't vote in this country yet so MY vote on Metrodad banner BETTER count. Besides, BossLady also likes #3. So there.

I remember the first time I heard of Beastie Boys... I was a junior in high school. Wow... to think they're our age. I figured only we aged while rockers kept on rockin'.

That is the reason why I keep cheerios far far away from vaginas. You should never put one in the other.

I hate saying "Bend over" so I just say, "Touch your toes..."

[Rachel E.]

I like 1 and 5.

Ice cream name:

McCain't Gonna Make it to the Oval Office

[Renee]

I've been telling my entire office your parenting joke and the "Yes, Pecan" flavor of ice cream. Everyone is laughing their asses off. Thanks for singlehandedly cheering up my my entire department.