Bad Parenting & Child Abuse: Let's Make a Deal

Between our gubernatorial scandal, the crane collapse, the Sean Bell shooting, and the demise of Bear Stearns, there is a lot of bad news filling the local headlines here in New York.

However, for some reason, I find myself obsessed with the tragic story of young Nixzmary Brown, the 7-year-old Brooklyn girl who was systematically starved, abused, tortured, and beaten to death at the hands of her own parents. Every article I read about her has me in tears.

According to her own father's confession, both parents hit Nixzmary repeatedly with a belt, dunked her head in cold water, and used duct tape and bungee cords to tie her to a chair. A litter box was her toilet. The young girl was completely emaciated and, at her death, weighed 37 pounds (roughly the weight of a child half her age.)

The fact that a parent can inflict such pain on their own child is beyond my realm of understanding.

The scary thing is that one need only watch the local news anywhere in the world to hear these horrible tales of abuse. Nationwide, the trend has gotten so bad that there are websites solely devoted to documenting cases of child abuse.

I don't know about you guys but there seems to be a shocking rise in the incidence of child abuse on this planet and I think it augers for the end of the world.  

Look, to a certain extent, I understand man's inhumanity against their fellow man. I don't believe we'll ever see a world without war or conflict. At a purely macro level, human beings are violent creatures intent on seeking conflict with others.

At the individual level, I also get the fact that occasionally people are going to brush up against another individual and hey, their life must end. That doesn't make it acceptable but, at some level, I think we all understand that transaction. As Dennis Miller once said, we're all big boys and girls and we dig our own graves.

But when did we start taking it out on innocent children?

How about we all join in making a little pact with one another?

You've got to promise me that if you ever get to the point in your life where you are so puzzled, confused, and frightened that you feel that the only way out is to abuse or molest a little kid, well then, you have got to fucking kill yourself. You've got to bite the bullet and take one for the team.

Do we have a deal?

Because honestly I can't think of anything worse in the world. What compels a person to take out their anger on a mere child? And how can people do that to their own children?

I get the fact that raising a kid is damn hard work and can often be an exercise in futility. I've frequently thought that parenting is the greatest test of man's patience since Job.

There are times when I've spent an hour cooking my daughter her favorite dinner and she's tossed it onto the floor in a rage of fury. I've walked into her room to see that she's painted the walls with poop. We've gotten into more fights about bedtime than I thought were even possible. She seems to have her most extreme meltdowns at the most inopportune times imaginable. And don't even get me started on how many books of mine have been destroyed because the Peanut ripped out the pages, stuck them in her mouth, and said to me, "Look, Daddy! I'm chewing gum!"

But see, that's where the true test of parenting begins.

When you can stand on the brink of chaos, teeter on the verge of insanity, want to throw yourself off a building and still look at your kid and say, "God damn, I'd do anything in the world for that little munchkin"...then you're ready to be a parent.

Almost.

Run out and get yourself a copy of "Finding Nemo." Watch it 50 times. Pour some milk on your favorite shirt. Now deprive yourself of sleep for about a year.

Ok, now maybe you're ready.

Comments

[kittenpie]

To be totally honest, I'm not sure if the incidence is rising or if people are just hearing about it and getting outraged more. I think abuse is nothing new, but it used to be kept hidden, and other people would look the other way becuase it was the parent's business. Sad that it exists at all, but I think sadder that it was ignored or maybe even accepted as parental prerogative for a long time.

Cases like that do make me wonder what the hell is wrong with people, what goes on in their minds, though. How they can do that and look at themselves in the mirror or wake up in the morning and carry forward is well beyond me. If only they'd take your suggestion...

[Mama Nabi]

Fuck. I can't stand the thought of there being more than even ZERO incident of child abuse... much less by his/her own parents. Seriously, as a bibliophile, I, too, have seen red as LN gleefully destroyed some of my favorite books... yet I look at her mere seconds later and think I should have been more gentle when I asked her to "Put the book down, slowly step away from the book" and then slammed her against the bookshelf to frisk her for more contraband.
I'll make that deal with you...

[mary]

I recently read an old book titled "Death from Child Abuse... and no one heard." It's a first person narriative account of a little girl who was abused to death. (My hubby used to be a child psych student and he had in his stash). Totally reminded of it reading your post.

Anyway, I think abusers don't necessarily see the abusee as "innocent". Perhaps they blame their problems on the un-wanted kid? I think the human mind is capable of fooling itself to believe whatever it wants to believe to justify one's behavior. Of course, that does not make the behavior right and there should be, as MN puts it, ZERO incidents of child abuse... as well as zero incidents of rape, molestation, murder...

As for the deal, I think I'd rather agree to "getting help" rather than offing myself.

=)

[Jamie]

I'm 6 months pregnant so I'm a little hormonal these days but stories like that have me bawling for hours. I went to that linked site and now all I want to do is adopt all these poor kids. What is the world coming to?

[Ann]

I agree, parenting is hard. But these folks aren't at their wits end. They are pure evil. Hearing about someone abusing a child makes me want to throw up.

[Kathy]

I've been working on child abuse cases for the last 7 years. Last year we had over 400 cases. I told myself I would do this work for 5 years but I'm still doing it. The thing that's helped me keep my sanity is to realize that the parents are victims themselves. Most of us adore our children and we would die in order to protect them. Those parents just don't have the capacity to do that because they can't even take care of themselves. Mental illness and substance abuse are most of the issues I see. Our system punishes the addicts rather than trying to really help them. Only a very small percentage of the parents recover from addiction which is quite telling about the treatment system being used.

Ignorance is bliss when it comes to this subject. I feel like I've lost an innocence that I will never get back.

Peace.

[RubiaLala]

I couldn't agree with you more. It is so sad and all I can hope is that these people burn in hell for eternity.

[jennifer b.]

I don't know whether it's because we hear more cases or actual abuse is on the rise. Either way, it's true that you can't even turn on the news without hearing some new horrible case of child abuse. Even more scary, it seems as if the cases are getting more horrible by the day. I have no pity for anyone who (for whatever reason) could ever abuse a child.

[Chad]

There's a hell of a lot of lab rats out there suffering needlessly for our benefit. I say save the rats and use these people for experimentation. It's good for the rats and if you want to find out what something is going to do to an actual human, why not use a real one?

[Sophie]

Great post Metrodad. I am so saddened when I read and learn about child abuse. I too agree with you ...how can adults do unspeakable crimes to small, innocent children. They did not ask to be brought here in the world. Child abusers enrages me, and I would gladly put a bullet in them personally. [Sorry about the darkness of my post.] Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I'm glad when I hear some people / couples say they don't want children. I don't believe having children, raising them is for everyone.

[Sassy]

Want to know something disturbing? You're right, it is increasing. Want to know why? Because in the past unwanted pregnancies were dealt with within the family and then people started getting abortions or adopting out kids they didn't want. Now there's some kind of movement that has trash keeping these babies - to be fair, in Australia you'll soon get $5000 a pop - abuse is out of control because these parents can't cope and are more and more likely to not have the family and social support they need.

It's not going to get better any time soon and unless CPS and other agencies get massive boosts in funding, workers and power you're going to keep hearing about these kids more and more.

[Martina]

I've seen cases of child abuse as a physician. I wouldn't describe the parents as "puzzled, confused, and frightened." More often: were abused/neglected themselves, no self-esteem/respect, multiple life stressors, substance abuse, cultural reasons, self-control issues, mental health issues. Sometimes just plain cruel. Nothing excuses child abuse. But there are some associated factors.

From your blog, you seem to be a well-adjusted, lovingly-raised, healthy, financially stable person with a kind disposition. I'm not surprised that the concept of child abuse is incomprehensible to you!

[Sassy]

Speaking of child abuse -
http://www.marryourdaughter.com/

[mr. big dubya]

I think I've already established that I'm a big baby when it comes down to stories regarding kids and any harm that comes to them - whether real or fiction. I can't handle them anymore and I find myself sickened more often than not. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Finding Nemo: only 50 times? That's all it takes? Damn - I should be prepared for the next hundred years or so then. And don't get me started on the 101 viewings of 101 Dalmatians in a weekend.

[deidre k.]

I've spent the past 20 years as a social worker, primarily dealing with children who have been abused. After all these years, I will say that there is no consistent pattern in the types of people who abuse their kids; Race, education, mental illness, cultural issues, drug addiction---we see it all.

If there's one thing I can say to your readers, it's that if you see something, do something. Call CPS. Call the cops. Call someone! It's amazing how many silent witnesses there are to this horrible abuse.

[Kelly]

Not milk. Infant formula. Milk washes out. Formula's got enough grease to ruin *anything*. (sorry if this seems flip but I just can't handle thinking about child abuse right now)

[Rachel E.]

Deal! Being in the social work field I try to be fair - to see all sides. But I gotta tell ya, after all of the psycho-anazlying bullshit is done, the bottom line is that we adults are responsible for our actions and our words and nothing that happened in our pasts, or even our current lives, will EVER make it okay or understandable to hurt a child - or anybody else for that matter.

I've had an unbelievable amount of crap happen to me in my life and none of that changes the fact that what I do with my hands and my words, and my life in general, is totally ON ME. It's mine to own and at the end of each day I want to lay my head on my pillow and know that I helped more people that I hurt that day. That I was master of my emotions and actions. That I knew that whatever came out of my mouth was something I could be proud of. That whatever I did with my hands and my heart and my mind was edifying and not destructive.

NO EXCUSES. It doesn't matter if someone is an addict or a victim of abuse themselves or has a chemical imbalance or whatever - none of the reasons will EVER make it okay or understandable. OR absolve them from their hurtful and abusive words and actions. The whining needs to stop and people need to own their lives. Each person has to deal with their crap and then get on with it - make their lives something worthwhile - not waste it hurting other people, namely their own children.

[***]

It's stories like these that make me sad that they are able to have children. I have been with my husband for 4 yrs and we still can not come out pregnant. And to hear that women can have babies left and right and then abuse or neglect them breaks my heart. There are thousands of couples that can't have children and to hear how a child has to suffer because their born un-wanted or at the wrong time in their parents lives. People should also promise to use a condom and birthcontrol.Save a baby save a life use protection.

[jdg]

Whenever I hear stories about bad parenting, I think of that Keanu Reeves quote from the movie "Parenthood."

"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

[Kari]

What I can't understand is that abusive people are able to have kids while those that would love to have a child and would love the child more than words could ever express cannot. I'd give anything to be able to have a child of my own and it burns me up and seems so unfair that people who would treat a child so poorly have no trouble recreating in any way. While those of us that would love to cuddle a child of our own and love it unconditionally are left childless.

I know life is unfair. I'm living proof. :-)

JDG, I LOVE that quote from Parenthood and it is, sadly, all too true.

[happybell]

This kind of stories leave me speechless and in tears. I can't begin to understand how can someone do that to a child, much less their own.

That link someone posted, yuk... is that legal? I mean, they're selling those girls!!

[Pamela]

Great post! I am so passionate about this topic. My husband and I just watched an MSNBC special in Vietnam where 5 year-old girls are being sold for sex. How sick is that? I so want to adopt just one of them and show them that their life means much more than that.

[Colleen]

Deal.

I always thought child abuse was crazy when I was younger, and now that I have children of my own, I cannot even FATHOM how someone can do that to their own child. What really kills me in that particular case is that BOTH her parents abused/tortured/killed her!!! Neither one thought, "hey, that's a bit over the line...I need to protect my child from my spouse". Truly distrubing and disgusting. Thanks for bringing this to light so more people check their own actions with their children and hopefully take action if they suspect that a neighbor is abusing/neglecting their child.

[Rob O.]

Totally agree! Even moreso since my wife & I recently adopted a child who had been abused (via neglect).

Someone's channeling some Dennis Miller...

[Mick]

I've been reading all the articles on that Mixzmary Brown case also. How is it possible that the father was NOT convicted of murder? He beat his own child and killed her. Is that not the definition of murder? Have we lost sight here because of all the emotional issues involved? Tragic.