Family Dynamics: New Roles for Dads

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time talking to my therapist about my family.

Now, I'm not going to start publicly pulling skeletons out of the family closet. After all, let's face it. Most families are weird. Most families have their own issues. And most families are capable of leaving all of us with our own unique set of baggage.

Personally, I think I’m pretty lucky. I escaped the unique weirdness of my family with very little psychic damage.

As I think back upon my childhood, I realize that although my father was the strict disciplinarian who never hesitated to take off his belt and give us a proper whupping, it was my warm-hearted mother who forced me into all those embarrassing situations that caused the lion’s share of traumatic childhood memories.

Why was that?

When I speak to my friends, it’s clear that almost all of us were essentially raised by our mothers. Times were different back then. Even if both parents worked full-time, it was mom who always made the decisions. Dad was the working stiff.

In my case, my mother was a newly-arrived immigrant. Therefore, I'm not quite sure whether her cruelty stemmed from ignorance of prevailing social norms in America or a penchant for embarrassing the hell out of her children.

How else to explain the fact that she bought me a girl's bicycle for my 6th birthday?  While all my friends were sticking baseball cards in the rims of their Huffy or BMX-style bikes, I was cruising the streets in a sunflower yellow banana-seat bicycle with a white wicker basket and a cute little bell out in front.

And did my mother really not know how to make a bologna sandwich or did she think it was going to be really funny to send me to school with densely-packed bowls of stinky Korean food?

Did she truly think that orange corduroy pants with bell bottoms and plaid vests were normal attire for 8-year-olds?

And don't even get me started on the haircuts! While our family wasn't always flush with cash, she certainly could have afforded the $5.00 to have my hair cut by a professional.

Instead, she always insisted on cutting my hair herself. Unfortunately, her home haircut kit consisted of a pair of meat scissors and a wooden bowl. She'd always finish and say "well, how does that look?" I'd say, "Looks great, Mom. Because in case my school does a stage production of Sling Blade, this haircut makes me look like Karl's stupider friend who couldn't get laid if his life depended on it."

"Now, where are my orange corduroys? I have to ride that girl's bike you bought me to my piano lesson."

I wish I could say that things changed as I got older but then I think about that time in college when my parents took me and my girlfriend out to dinner and my mother regaled her with stories about how difficult I was to toilet train.

Aaarrggh! Mothers!

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my mother very much and these are certainly not the issues that I've been speaking to my therapist about.

It's just that the whole process makes one realize that the mother-child relationship has always been a complex one, fraught with more ambivalence and misfires than American politics. Mothers can work a 30-years-gone umbilical cord like Roy Rogers working a lasso.

In some ways, the relationship between a mother and a child never changes, and that's because your mother still remembers when you were three and shoved all those Cheerios up your nose.

Do you know why cult leaders always force members to cut off all contact with their families? Because they know that their spell will be broken and all the mind control will disappear the instant you hear your mother saying, "And I suppose that just because your new thetan friends are hooking their testicles up to a cattle prod so they can go on the spaceship, you have to do it too, right?"

I’ve been thinking about all this lately because recently I’ve been interviewed by several journalists and authors about how this generation of fathers is so much more involved in raising their kids than previous generations of dads. While studies show that children benefit greatly from having their fathers involved in their lives, I find myself always pondering the impact of our increased involvement.

See, even though my wife and I work full-time, my hours are much more flexible. So frequently, I'm the one getting my daughter dressed for school. I'm the one cooking all of her meals. And I'm the one picking her up in the afternoon and taking her on playdates.

Holy crap, I'm like a mom!

If that's the case, I can only wonder how I’m psychologically scarring MY daughter.

Will she be ostracized at school because I always pack Japanese eel and rice in her lunch box?

Will she look at old photos and be mortified that I let her go to school in red tap shoes, green corduroys, and a Mets jersey?

Do you think she'll hold it against me that I like to kill two birds with one stone so I sometimes give her and the dog a bath at the same time?

Will my daughter grow up with a weird sense of gender dynamics because I sometimes yell, "Alright, kiddo. You're in big trouble now. Just wait until your mother comes home!"

I don't know. At the end of the day, I guess none of us ever know how our parents impacted us or how we're going to impact our own kids. Whether it's the mom who runs the house or it's the dad who stays at home, do we ever know exactly how much we're influenced by each parent? Like I said, all families have their own weirdness. And so I guess part of the fun is in seeing how it all turns out.

As Dennis Miller once brilliantly said, "Families keep everything in perspective. You can grow up, get out in the world, become a big success. You can control fortunes, corner the market, forecast financial trends, steer your company into the 21st century and beyond, but you go home to your family and you know who you are?"

"You're the kid who got tricked by his brothers into drinking a glass of pee."

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Your turn now:

What's the most embarrassing childhood memory caused by your parents or family?  Or what's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done to your own kid?

Special prize to the winner who makes me laugh so hard, I snort Diet Coke out of my nose!

 

Comments

[kat]

Them to me: My family instilled in me the need to call everyone older than I mister, so I called the 11th graders on the bus "mister."

Me to them: Photographed my son breastfeeding his stuffed animal.

[JDP]

We didn't have much money when I was growing up so my mom used to dress me in hand-me-downs from my siblings.

The only thing was that I was the youngest son...with three older sisters!

[Paul K.]

If ti makes you feel any better, MD, I think I had the same bicycle as you!

[Phil Jones]

I've STILL got that bike!

[woojum]

One slice of processed cheese between two slices of dry Wonder Bread and a thermos of Tang for my entire fifth grade school year. That, and my fabulous bowl haircut to boot.

[Katrina]

Insisting on cutting my bangs so short they stuck straight out, kind of like a visor. Mom also insisted on walking me to the bus stop up until nearly junior high. To top it all off, she would insist I kiss her goodbye. The nerve!

Yeah, I'm being dramatic about the bus stop, but the bangs thing was rather traumatic (at the time).

[Velma]

Overhearing my mom confiding in my beautiful and adored 4th grade teacher that "Velma sometimes pretends you are her big sister."

[Laura]

My mom was pretty tight with the dough when it came to school clothes, so I either wore girls' clothes from Sears or my brothers' hand-me-downs. And she used to cut my bangs so that they looked like a curtain about to close over my eyes. But what used to drive me the most crazy was when I was on the phone with my friends and trying to be cool and she would set an egg timer in front of me and as soon as the sand ran out, she would screech, "It's Time To Get Off the PHONE!"

[crystal]

My dad's work hours were more flexible too, so since they immigrated to the US, he sort of had your role in raising me more during my childhood. We went thrift store shopping for our clothes in the early '80s BEFORE, WAY BEFORE that was in vogue, and he insisted i wear a cowboy outfit, even though I am a girl. It was so clear that it was a boy's outfit - suede vest, corduroy pants, a button down shirt. My dad is artsy, so he thought it made me look really classy and different. Whenever I wore that outfit - I wore it to picture day, people always assumed my older brother had a younger brother - me.

Oh yeah, home haircuts until junior high and dorky clothes until my friend helped me discover the Gap Outlet in jr. high.

But, I have to say, whenever I had problems with my friends, I would always tell him after school cuz I always hung at at his violin making shop, and he would give me good advice and cheer me up. I have fond memories.

I wouldn't feel bad about dressing your little kids like dorks with mismatched outfits and the like, because I feel that childhood is the only time you can really get away with the ugliest and dorkiest clothes and still look so adorable and cute in them! I have my share of outfits and it gives me a fuzzy feeling to look at old photographs. I would rather that experience than be perfectly dressed in Ralph Lauren and Gymboree.

[William]

I used to carry my lunch to school in a Wonderbread bag. They were the same bags we used to put on our feet over our socks but under our shoes when it rained.

[kate]

Driving a gigantic flesh-colored Buick with white vinyl seats. And wearing curlers out in public, ever so discreetly covered in one of those little pocket-sized disposable plastic rain bonnets. She was THIRTY THREE when she had me and just the fact that she was SO VERY OLD embarrassed the hell out of me. It was the 70s; all my friends' parents had them at 17 and 18, so they were COOL. I swore I would NEVER have a child at 33; that was just CRUEL.

So I waited until I was 36 instead.

[Stephen Joyce]

Wow, this is like reading my life story. Like you, I try to play a bigger role in the raising of my two daughters and I sometimes wonder what kind of impact I'm having on their formative minds.

Anyway, the story that always brings tears of laughter to my wife is the one of my very first St. Patrick's Day. My family moved from Malaysia to Canada in 1977 and it was my first year at a public school. Since the tradition for St. Patrick's Day is to wear something green, my Mom thought it would be great if I went to school in an all green outfit, oh heck, how about a leprechaun outfit. Yep, that's right, my Mom sewed me a full on leprechaun outfit complete with a little hat and shoes, all made out of felt. Did I mention the green tights. Needless to say, there is nothing quite as hilarious to a group of second graders than a little Asian kid wearing green tights and walking around in the miserable March rains wearing green felt slippers. For added embarrassment, my second grade teacher ask me to stand on my chair so that all the kids could have a good look at my costume. Nice.

[rachel]

my dad showed up to an 8th grade dance to pick me up. 20 minutes early. wearing giant orange ear protectors.
like the kind baggage handlers wear so that the jet engines don't hurt their ears.

he stood there with a silly smile on his face and his hands tucked under his arms while he waited for me.

[Crystal In Southeast Texas]

You win Stephen!! All hail the Asian Leprechaun!

[Phoenix]

Peanut will talk about you to her therapist. But at lease she’ll be talking about all the strange things you did to her and how you embarrassed her, as apposed to talking about how she never knew her dad. Tons of women spend thousands trying to deal with the fact that they had no dad, or a dad who was never there even though he came home and slept there every single night. You are a great dad Metro. You know how I know? You care enough to think about those things. You spend time with that little girl and that’s what’s important. Let her worry about the rest of it later. Truly, she may need a bit of therapy, but it will most likely be how you avoided putting her in pink clothes as an infant and she wonders if you had a black clothes obsession. As parents (or Aunties) we embarrass them, but it just shows that we care.

Now for your question: The most embarrassing thing my dad did was tell the whole family (on Thanksgiving) how he taught me about the birds and the bees. On a fishing trip, I’d asked him what the lady bugs were doing on top of each other and he told me. Not a big deal, but having it repeated at every family event for the last 17 years has made an impact. I have others, but I’ll never share.

I don’t have kids, but I do have nieces and I embarrass the heck out of them whenever possible. But photographic evidence of the horrible outfits they choose to wear out and about at two years old and the sitting on the toilet completely nekkid, reading a newspaper upside down, are staying in the vault, until they hit 16 or so. Then that shit will be out and displayed for all future boyfriends to see.

[Isabel]

Hi MD,

I don't have a funny story to share, but I do think that Stephen Joyce deserves your special prize as I have been CRYING with laughter for the better part of 5 minutes at his comment!

XOXO

[NG]

My guess is, if your family is anything like mine, that those things that embarrass the hell out of your kids will at the same time be their fondest memories.

How else could I look back on the time my father put the cat inside the piano and then giggled while I searched for wherever its meowing came from and smile? Or think fondly of the uncle who'd say "Give me a kiss" and then when you tried to, he'd push his false teeth into your mouth.

Just two examples off the top of my head.

[NG]

Just read Stephen's comment... okay maybe SOME memories won't end up being fond ones.

[Stacey]

This is actually my husband's story but as I was the recipient of the punch line I get to share it:)

My husband is the youngest of 4, by several years. His parents were 40 and 52 when he was born & according to him it seemed as if they had decided to do all those "wouldn't it have been funny if we had.." things that occurred to them too late with the older kids. When he was about 4 he was sitting on the toilet and slid himself back too far and fell in. He was stuck there, being too small to leverage himself out. He called out for help and his Mom & Dad came running. Instead of immediately helping him out, his Dad went for the camera and took pictures first.

When his mother showed me these photo years later, the second time I had ever met her, she told me "We took them because we had wished we had thought to do it when one of his older sisters had the same thing happen." Given that the older sister & her friends were there at the time, my future MIL got a two for one embarrassment out of that story.

[A]

1. my dad cutting my bangs when i was a kid with kitchen scissors (of course, which Asian kid didnt go through this?) this is why i pay someone $300 bucks to do my hair now.
2. my dad SCREAMING at my guy friends who would call to discuss homework because boys should NOT be calling girls (in broken english, nonetheless!)
3. my dad SCREAMING at me and my friend because we dressed up for a pep rally. the theme was hippie day, so i wore bell bottoms. He screamed at me and asked why the hell was I doing "MARI-WANA!!!!"

ah - all those years of being embarrassed by my parents, not only because they were parents, but because they couldnt speak english, and because they didnt understand "american culture." as bad as i thought it was at the time, they did do a great job in raising me and teaching me everything i needed to know to succeed in life. right?

i cant wait to embarass the hell out of this kid when he's born. =)

[BossLady]

I think the Asian Leprechaun deserves to win!

[teufelkindsvater]

Classic!

I love the image of the little asian leprechaun :)

As for bad haircuts...
I'm of completely german descent, so I'm pasty white 3/4 of the year, and as a small child my hair was white-blonde and as board straight as it is to this day.

For some inexplicable reason, my mother decided that from the age of one thru the time when I finally demanded that she stop it and pony up for a real haircut, she would cut it with straight, heavy bangs, pointed sideburns, and an overall 'round' shape (which only emphasized my enormous german head).

It was only revealed later, when Star Trek TNG came on, that she had been giving me 'Romulan' hair-doos for years! (I still have pix for proof)

Of course, as a stay at home dad, I'm now cutting Teufelkind's hair :O

[RA]

No prizewinning memories come to mind, but my mom totally sent me to school with a Tupperware full of dumplings. And one time, between my departure on the school bus and lunch time, they even attracted ants. AWESOME.

So, unrelated, but I was totally offended by that panda bear commercial during the Super Bowl. Thoughts?

[KC]

My entire childhood was embarassemnt so it hurts my head trying to think of one sentinel moment. Perhaps spending Christmas at an all-Jewish-resort save for one Asian family in the Catskills. No, there was much worse.

I like the Leprechaun one too.

[Janelle]

These stories are all so hysterical. I keep coming back to read more!