Apropos of Nothing: 3 Thoughts on Fatherhood

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

I am a man well suited for the modern era.

I'm excellent at cocktail party conversation. I have a wicked backhand. And I can make my own sushi.

However, because of those traits, I thank God every day that I wasn't born a caveman. Living in a society where premiums were placed on brute strength and hunting skills would have been difficult for me. Unless I did something drastic like invent fire, I imagine my days as a caveman would have been extremely short-lived.

As the old joke goes...the lion may be the undisputed king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.

Why am I bringing this all up?

Because my daughter is a million times tougher than me. Seriously, she's like from the old country or something.

Unlike her coddled father who requires a steady supply of sinus medication and cashmere blankets to make it through a winter, my daughter is a freaking beast of a human being. She's never cold. She runs faster than Marion Jones on steroids. And I've seen her bounce straight up after taking hits that would crumple a professional rugby player.

And in her 3.5 years on this planet, she has NEVER been sick!

Until now.

Sure, she's had the occasional fever. And a few times, we've had to keep her out of daycare. However, everything she's ever had, she's recovered from within a day or two.

However, ever since Saturday night, the poor Peanut has been sicker than hell. She's had a terrible fever. She's been diagnosed with strep. She's completely lost her voice. And until yesterday, she couldn't even keep any food down in her system.

If it were me, I'd be crying for my mommy and e-mailing all my friends to visit me on my deathbed.

My daughter isn't complaining a bit. She just sits there and toughs it out. Sometimes, it's almost scary how tough she is.

I look at her and I now know what it means when they say certain traits skip a generation. My father is a tough motherfucker. He was physically abused by his parents in Korea until he ran away from home as a teenager. He survived for years as a street urchin, sleeping outside in the snow without a jacket or even a blanket. Later, he got shanghaied into the U.S. Army and even bullets couldn't slow the man down. The Army was so amazed by his toughness, they gave him a Bronze Star.

I used to look at myself and be amazed at the fact that such toughness could leave the gene pool in the span of a single generation. But now, looking at my daughter, I see it never really left in the first place.

Oh well...tennis, anyone?

IT'S THE ABRIDGED VERSION, DAMMIT!

Over the course of the Peanut's lifetime, she has often favored one parent over the other. In the past, BossLady and I used to joke about it. Whoever was most favored at the time could frequently be seen running around the apartment naked, yelling "I'm number one! I'm number one!"

However, with great power comes great responsibility.

The person with Most Favored Parent status is adamantly required to put the Peanut to bed every night. No substitutions are allowed and no one else is permitted into the bedroom. These rules are strictly enforced by the Peanut.

For the past 6 months, I have been Numero Uno. At first, I was completely excited and honored. I hadn't been #1 in almost a year. It almost felt like I'd won an Academy Award. Every night, Peanut and I would go to her room at precisely 8:00 pm. I'd read her books for half an hour. We'd talk about what we were going to do on the weekend. And then I'd lie down on the floor next to her until she completely fell asleep. By the time I'd left her room, it could sometimes be as late as 9:30 or 10:00. Ridiculous, right?

Now, I don't read her books anymore. Or stay in her room. I've got the whole bedtime routine down to under a minute.

What's my secret?

Abbreviated stories and Starburst candy. My daughter will do anything for a Starburst. Natch, make that 1/4 of a Starburst.

Now, at 8:00 pm, we go into her room. I turn off all the lights and I say, "Once upon a time, there was a girl named Cinderella who lost her shoe and became a princess. The end. Go to bed."

Then, like a lion feeder at the zoo, I toss a few pieces of Starburst on her bed and run out of the room.

I know I should feel guilty about this but, shit, American Idol comes on at 8.

FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE!

What the hell happened to manners in this country?

I know I've riffed on this a million times before (and maybe living in New York makes it worse) but there are times when I find myself gripped by an overwhelming desire to smack our entire country upside its collective head.

You can't get out of the subway in the morning these days without some idiot trying to spawn upstream into the train while everyone else is trying to get off.

Don't even bother sneezing in an elevator anymore. Instead of having people proffer a kind, "Bless you!," you're more likely to hear them utter, "Better not get me sick, asshole!"

And to the lady in my office building the other day?  When I hold the door open for you, the correct reply is "thank you," not "I got it myself."

I always swore that if I was only going to teach my daughter one thing, it would be manners. I don't care if she never learns how to read a single book. She's going to be the best-mannered functional illiterate in the whole damn country.

So far, everything is going according to plan. For a 3.5-year-old, the Peanut is unfailingly polite. I couldn't be happier.

Lately, she's learned the concept of "the compliment."

For those of you with toddlers, it's a fascinating phase. In the adult world, flattery is a lost art. Compliments have become valueless currency that no longer bear any meaning. However, for little kids, compliments are not only a way of being polite but also a manner in which to express their love or admiration.

And because we see kids as being wholly honest and forthcoming, we always take their compliments to heart. We then praise them for being so nice. However, this creates a cycle in which the child seeks praise so she doles out compliments constantly. It can be cute but it can also be annoying.

The other day, Peanut was in full-compliment mode. Those are nice jeans, mommy! Hey daddy, I really like your sweater. This is the best spaghetti ever. You're such a good daddy. I really like your boots.

Blah, blah, blah.

I really started tuning her out when she began complimenting the dog.

However, right before bedtime, she came up to me and said, "Daddy, you have really great hair."

Needless to say, homegirl got two Starbursts that night.

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You guys have sent in some great banners. Keep them coming. I'll post my favorites by the end of next week and we'll decide on a winner. Thanks.

Comments

[3BoyDad]

A buddy used to say "There is 'in shape' and then there is 'in parenting shape.'" After a weekend of high fevers, late nights, bed wettings, and more, I now know what he meant. If the toughness of kids is legendary, then my wife's parenting shape is other-worldly. Me? I feel proud if I 'get' the 4 am feed with the little one and make it out of bed for the 6:30 Clifford-fest.

Let's hear it for those in 'parenting' shape - go all night with the sick kids and still be productive in day light!

[LPT]

It's been a miserable cold/flu season. Like your peanut, our kids would get sick but would bounce back within a reasonable amount of time. This season, my daughter age 5.5 missed more than a week of school. Then my husband took a turn with it. And this guy NEVER gets sick. I was nursing a white version of what you're probably like when you're sick. My little dude, age 3, cruised with it too...but not as long as we all had it. Just a bad season, Purell or no Purell.

As for manners, I'm with you. When my daughter got dropped off from a playdate once, the mom said, "Um, do you ever make mac n' cheese?" I said, "Sure, all the time." The mom smiled, "Well, your daughter really loved my mac n' cheese. She told me it was REALLY GOOD and that she was really enjoying it..I've never had such a compliment about my cooking. By the way, the box I was using was Annie's Organic in case you want to know."

"Thanks"

Whew. Small beam glows within me, a sign that maybe I'm doing something right.

Sometimes as parents, we underestimate our kids abilities to do/say the right things (the things we hope to teach them.) Course, she's liable to tell you that you smell like ham too.

[Waya]

OMG! Just to be in a room w/you for 1 hr would be so hilarious. I'd be just rolling on the floor laughing w/all the stories you come up with!

As for the complimenting thing, my Sophia, almost at 3 y/o can be so sweet like the Peanut. Just today, she was eating lunch w/her mouthful and raising 2 thumbs up and managed to say "you're the best cooker mommy!" I think Peanut and Sophia can be twins in the good manner dept. Out of the 4 kids (well, Parker can't talk yet) but she's the only one who'd say "bless you" when someone sneezes and the first one to say "thank you". I can't wait to write a tribute to her on her b-day.

[Holmes]

Hmmm, sushi skills vs. badass toughness...that's a hard one. Oh well, that's what imaginary superpowers are for: you get to pick those.

[Mom101]

I too set the bedtime based on the prime time schedule. It's just not nearly as fun watching Lost when you've got a kid saying "who's that man? What's he doing? What's that? Who's that?" the whole time.

I need to try the starburst trick. Because the "sweet dreams mattress" trick and the "magic stuffed animal" trick aren't working any more.

Sure hope Peanut is feeling better by now.

[Briana]

You are a funny, funny man.

[Brave Astronaut]

My three year old just went through a bout with strep throat. It was only the second time he has been sick (to the point of vomiting). As a result, when he gets that way, Mrs. Brave Astronaut and I are at a complete loss as to what to do. But he is really good about it (for the most part), takes his medicine, is a good patient (unlike his father).

Bed time at our house is becoming more of a challenge. We read several books and the books have to go to bed with him. And the light stays on so he can keep reading after we leave. And don't get me started on the big boy bed and how hard it is not to be the one that falls asleep first.

My son likes "making deals" He will explain how he would like it to go and finishes up with "that's a good deal, OK?" We are also working on the idea of "cooperating." When things start to get derailed, he will be sure to announce in a small voice, "I'm not coperatin." Then there are the times when he will rebound from something that has not gone his way and we have been near tears, to proclaiming loudly, "I'M HAPPY!"

[When the gods hurt people who tell them]

The favor in Korea lies in the North.
The Korean war ironically was a war against the South, designed to corrupt the disfavored of Korea. I suspect Vietnam may have been justified by the war against these favored peoples:::"You want to fight? Very well. Fight these people." The Vietnamese are morbidly disfavored who will fight to the bitter end of course.

When the gods hurt people who tell them "No." it can be interpreted as a good sign, much as feedback normally is. Sadly, as the threat can be considered a deterent to proper behavior then so can avoidance of the actual punishment be considered temptation.
The gods won't punish rejection from the innocent. People have to become corrupted and engage in evil before the gods will wield their justice. But this punishment is feedback levied upon good people who do the wrong thing, not upon the undesirable evil. People who think correctly and are genuinely god-fearing are more likely to envoke god's mercy.
Among "reals" I don't expect the percentage to be as high as those who crossed the line from person to preditor, despite those ranks being filled with these "undesirables". I think the gods may want most if not all to pay if and when they finally "come around" and begin to behave appropriately. Understand this is not all-inclusive, for many of these tools remain in this state of corruption until the day the gods adjudicate their case (death, reincarnation a lesser life form, etc).
Unfortunately, the god's policy further reinforces evil behavior, for they are rarely if ever punished for their wickedness. Good people on the other hand are punished BECAUSE they are wanted and the gods are giving them feedback in hope they canlearn and begin to behave decent. Expect these events are made very visible, serving as a FABULOUS corruptor.
Consistant with this policy of not punishing evil because they are undesirable, the Chinese will be inflicted with Westernization immediately, while the socio-economically mature Japanese have retained a significant level of their culture. As reflected in "Benchmarks.wav", this will contribute to deterioration sufficient for the gods to utilize justification, allowing them to end on Planet Earth.
Another benchmark could be the age when they corrupt children. Granted this differs, but the mean (and median) are VERY important numbers, and when you graph them you will see a constant deterioration.

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Recall I recently brought up the possible Manifest Destiny-positioned Chinese invasion of the United States (west coast) upon economic abandonment by their clone host tools (economic destruction and deterioration.mp3). They have mentioned this in years past.
Newspaper just made a curious change where they combined the sports and business sections, and to properly read the business section you need to read "backward". Like Asian languages.
Tariffs. The gods are instruct their tools to defend open free trade, as they will to the bitter end. The gods have a script and they need economic (d)evolution sufficient to justify what they have scripted for our future, so they use their tools to adamantly defend this concept of fair trade::::The time for tariffs has long since past.
Incidentally, the Chinese recalls (lead-based paint on toys, toothpaste, etc) may be in preparation for this invasion, a tactic esuring a percentage of disfavored affected will fight to the bitter end.
I've recently stated how the gods will use the Japanese as role models to the Chinese as China becomes increasingly Westernized. Expect a cultural movement celebrating Japanese culture in decades prior, much as we witnessed in the west in the past.
If we do witness a Chinese invasion on American soil don't be surprised if the very same tactics the Japanese employed on the Chinese will be used on us. Lack of empathy is a dynamic the gods will find important in the context of justification, niggers.

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It doesn't matter. McCain doesn't have a chance. Osama's too good. The debates will be one-sided. He has a better chance against Hillary. I can get into the explanation that the gods only use their power to hurt the disfavored, but you've already heard it. Consistant with this, expect gas to climb to $4 if not $5 this summer, ensuring the election is delivered to the wrong candidate, just like 2004::::They've used the price of gas to punish the people for electing the wrong person.
IN 2000 you didn't have a choice, and they sent this clue very nicely with proceedings surrounding the election. But 2004 was different. In an ironic twist it will be just the opposite this year, where the gods use the price of gas to divert you TO their prefered candidate. Wwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
You idiot redneck political types are the chumps here. 1998::::Something for everybody. Clinton's impeachment was for people like you. ANYTIME the kids support a candidate it is a RED FLAG, and they supported Clinton in 1992.
It is VERY important that you think clearly::::::::It's important you differentiate between your thoughts and when the computer thinks through you. They've led many into Damnation with this tactic.
No red in McCain's official campaign sign. Both Clinton and Osama have redwhite&blue signs.
McCain's our man.
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"Some people think they're earning off illegal immigration." To be preditory at this level of knowledge will get them hurt. Bad::::Such as we witnessed in the 60s, for many of those participants knew the truth and understood this decade represented a MAJOR deterioration of society.
It's another of the god's Big Lies:::Sigmund Freud's psychoanalysis, democracy, Christianity.
The social degredation since the 60s is a clue liberalism is a cancer designed to continue the destruction of the disfavored's quality of life.
There were a few issues which arose that were positives (don't need a man (sex hurts you), vegitarianism) but the French's "Age of Enlightenment" illustrates environmental appreciation is not new. In the aftermath of the counter-cultural social degredation the gods subsequently fractured this issue by creating damaging movements within the context of enviornmentalism.
Beware the promoters of indecency and/or obsenity. This is clue, a warning to the people.
"The Boot" has fucked you twice:::They ruined the quality of life of Planet Earth, ensuring your damnation because of your newly-inflicted indecency, and the god's role playing of the New Roman Empire's Manifest Destiny positioning has costed you the Final Prophet.

Hell's Angels is yet another element to emerge from Oakland, the upper incisor of TheBeast, designed for ripping and tearing flesh. One element that links TheDamned, no matter the skin color:::::Violence.

The gods want to play both sides of the coin.
It is very important the gods maintain this perception of "middle management", for if people knew management was just the gods and their computer they would become very frightened considering the carnage and what it says about their plans, and this fear would help them to think correctly.
They would be on the "fast-track" to salvation.
The gods created this environment of CEOs, kings and democracy specifically to defeat this and work very hard to maintain it.
People teetering on Damnation think god is evil and believe evil is the way. This is called "segmentation"::::They don't see the importance of temptation nor the god's role or methodology in punishment::::Ironically the gods DON'T punish evil for their wickedness. These people are not wanted and the gods don't want them to receive the feedback punishment would provide.

The homosexual AIDS event happened because of their behavior in the SanFranciscio bathhouses.
Italian claim to infamy is they destroyed life on earth. Irish claim is they prey on their own family members. Which one's worse? Just as the gods targetted certain Italians for the degredation of life in the 20th century so did the do the same for the Irish, as I know all too well.
Catholicism masculinized women. You have been warned:::CATHOLICS ARE BAD FOR YOU!!!

English Monarchy on ABC.
The best thing that could have happened for England would have been if the thrown wielded its power and violently struck down groups that got out of line, punks for example. It would have served as a wonderufl example to the others, and the net result from succeeding thrones behaving in this manner would be a higher ascention rate than what was realized.
This is what Saddam Hussein did. He dealt with "acceptable losses" and kept the peace. Disfavoreds who witnessed this behavior would become afraid, crucial to a good relationship with the gods.
And that's why they used the United States to eliminate this benefit to the disfavored. And no, as citizens of the United States you didn't "earn" off this event. Quite the opposite in fact.

"(Blah)." The gods created some ugly incidents to justify California's 1987 legislation outlawing corporal punishment, just as they forced poor matches to justify the elimination of matchmaking. And now instead of being matched at age 14 your daughter loses her virginity behind the bleachers at age 12.
The deterioration of quality of life has progressed into indecency, allowing the gods to soon justify ending on Planet Earth.

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I wonder how much the gods used the Green Bay geographic clue on the perpetually stupid Italians and used it to minimize abuses that otherwise would have ocurred?? "Sexual inadequecies of the men." positioning may have justified "going easy" on a larger population of germans in the United States. All we need to do is look to blacks, enemies of the Roman Empire who were fucked wholesale, to see unabated abuses.
The hypersexual laughing at superior life forms, ridiculing their favor.
Incidentally, they share some of them will remain "perpetually stupid". They are the Italians who crossed that line from person to preditor in the 30s, and they're going to be on Planet Earth come Judgement Day, except in a non-Italian body, due to the god's Manifest Destiny positioning of the New Roman Empire. Poetic justice.
If I were king they would be the Italians who were pushed into it, for those who thought 1906 was a good idea would already be gone::::You suck.wav.

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Churches and places of worship exist in every town FOR GOOD REASON::::THE GODS HAVE EXPECTATIONS!!! They DEMAND PROPER BEHAVIOR from the people. I recommend you examine this clue and give consideration to what expectations the gods have of the people.
I tell people to go back to church, even if the Catholic Church, because their children need that religious education.
They say some people are getting flashes, becoming concerned, beginning to give credibility to what I say. Do be surprised if these are people who experienced Bible study, went to CCD, had that religious education.
god-less people who never received this education laugh at me, typically will remain corrupted throughout their lives and are likely to end up The Damned.
Don't be a statistic.
Churches and places of worship exist in every town FOR GOOD REASON::::THE GODS HAVE EXPECTATIONS!!! They DEMAND PROPER BEHAVIOR from the people. I recommend you examine this clue and give consideration to what expectations the gods have of the people.
Literal translation of the Bible:::The gods have a sense of humor, and they love to give the "intelligencia" a hard time, leaving them dissallusioned and shamed when they learn the truth.

Because of their innocence, because of their purity children are god's favored people. What children learn (must be good if you want to go to heaven) is the truth. What you learned as children was the gods imparting wisdom to you, quite the opposite of what corrupt adults believe.
This is a tactic because many adults will continue to ridicule this idea, unable to believe the children would be graced with god's wisdom, especially while they are being told just the opposite and being corrupted into Damnation.
Much like the tactic of instilling "instant gratification" in society so was the discounting of children an effective tactic.
Consistant with this preference for innocence and purity, you don't want to continue reading. You want to learn JUST ENOUGH to understand you're corrupted, then you want to get out and do the work all for yourself and try to re-earn god's respect.

[sherry rogers detox cocktail]

d for the modern era.

I'm excellent at cocktail party conversation. I have a wicked backhand. And I can make my own sushi.

However, because of those traits, I thank God every day that I wasn't born a caveman. Living in a society where premiums were placed on brute strength a