Apropos of Nothing: 3 Thoughts on Fatherhood

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

I am a man well suited for the modern era.

I'm excellent at cocktail party conversation. I have a wicked backhand. And I can make my own sushi.

However, because of those traits, I thank God every day that I wasn't born a caveman. Living in a society where premiums were placed on brute strength and hunting skills would have been difficult for me. Unless I did something drastic like invent fire, I imagine my days as a caveman would have been extremely short-lived.

As the old joke goes...the lion may be the undisputed king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.

Why am I bringing this all up?

Because my daughter is a million times tougher than me. Seriously, she's like from the old country or something.

Unlike her coddled father who requires a steady supply of sinus medication and cashmere blankets to make it through a winter, my daughter is a freaking beast of a human being. She's never cold. She runs faster than Marion Jones on steroids. And I've seen her bounce straight up after taking hits that would crumple a professional rugby player.

And in her 3.5 years on this planet, she has NEVER been sick!

Until now.

Sure, she's had the occasional fever. And a few times, we've had to keep her out of daycare. However, everything she's ever had, she's recovered from within a day or two.

However, ever since Saturday night, the poor Peanut has been sicker than hell. She's had a terrible fever. She's been diagnosed with strep. She's completely lost her voice. And until yesterday, she couldn't even keep any food down in her system.

If it were me, I'd be crying for my mommy and e-mailing all my friends to visit me on my deathbed.

My daughter isn't complaining a bit. She just sits there and toughs it out. Sometimes, it's almost scary how tough she is.

I look at her and I now know what it means when they say certain traits skip a generation. My father is a tough motherfucker. He was physically abused by his parents in Korea until he ran away from home as a teenager. He survived for years as a street urchin, sleeping outside in the snow without a jacket or even a blanket. Later, he got shanghaied into the U.S. Army and even bullets couldn't slow the man down. The Army was so amazed by his toughness, they gave him a Bronze Star.

I used to look at myself and be amazed at the fact that such toughness could leave the gene pool in the span of a single generation. But now, looking at my daughter, I see it never really left in the first place.

Oh well...tennis, anyone?

IT'S THE ABRIDGED VERSION, DAMMIT!

Over the course of the Peanut's lifetime, she has often favored one parent over the other. In the past, BossLady and I used to joke about it. Whoever was most favored at the time could frequently be seen running around the apartment naked, yelling "I'm number one! I'm number one!"

However, with great power comes great responsibility.

The person with Most Favored Parent status is adamantly required to put the Peanut to bed every night. No substitutions are allowed and no one else is permitted into the bedroom. These rules are strictly enforced by the Peanut.

For the past 6 months, I have been Numero Uno. At first, I was completely excited and honored. I hadn't been #1 in almost a year. It almost felt like I'd won an Academy Award. Every night, Peanut and I would go to her room at precisely 8:00 pm. I'd read her books for half an hour. We'd talk about what we were going to do on the weekend. And then I'd lie down on the floor next to her until she completely fell asleep. By the time I'd left her room, it could sometimes be as late as 9:30 or 10:00. Ridiculous, right?

Now, I don't read her books anymore. Or stay in her room. I've got the whole bedtime routine down to under a minute.

What's my secret?

Abbreviated stories and Starburst candy. My daughter will do anything for a Starburst. Natch, make that 1/4 of a Starburst.

Now, at 8:00 pm, we go into her room. I turn off all the lights and I say, "Once upon a time, there was a girl named Cinderella who lost her shoe and became a princess. The end. Go to bed."

Then, like a lion feeder at the zoo, I toss a few pieces of Starburst on her bed and run out of the room.

I know I should feel guilty about this but, shit, American Idol comes on at 8.

FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE!

What the hell happened to manners in this country?

I know I've riffed on this a million times before (and maybe living in New York makes it worse) but there are times when I find myself gripped by an overwhelming desire to smack our entire country upside its collective head.

You can't get out of the subway in the morning these days without some idiot trying to spawn upstream into the train while everyone else is trying to get off.

Don't even bother sneezing in an elevator anymore. Instead of having people proffer a kind, "Bless you!," you're more likely to hear them utter, "Better not get me sick, asshole!"

And to the lady in my office building the other day?  When I hold the door open for you, the correct reply is "thank you," not "I got it myself."

I always swore that if I was only going to teach my daughter one thing, it would be manners. I don't care if she never learns how to read a single book. She's going to be the best-mannered functional illiterate in the whole damn country.

So far, everything is going according to plan. For a 3.5-year-old, the Peanut is unfailingly polite. I couldn't be happier.

Lately, she's learned the concept of "the compliment."

For those of you with toddlers, it's a fascinating phase. In the adult world, flattery is a lost art. Compliments have become valueless currency that no longer bear any meaning. However, for little kids, compliments are not only a way of being polite but also a manner in which to express their love or admiration.

And because we see kids as being wholly honest and forthcoming, we always take their compliments to heart. We then praise them for being so nice. However, this creates a cycle in which the child seeks praise so she doles out compliments constantly. It can be cute but it can also be annoying.

The other day, Peanut was in full-compliment mode. Those are nice jeans, mommy! Hey daddy, I really like your sweater. This is the best spaghetti ever. You're such a good daddy. I really like your boots.

Blah, blah, blah.

I really started tuning her out when she began complimenting the dog.

However, right before bedtime, she came up to me and said, "Daddy, you have really great hair."

Needless to say, homegirl got two Starbursts that night.

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You guys have sent in some great banners. Keep them coming. I'll post my favorites by the end of next week and we'll decide on a winner. Thanks.

Comments

[JLP]

Long-time reader, first-time poster...

My husband was our daughter's favorite for so long (>3 years) that when the tide started to turn in my favor and she began rejecting him, I asked him "See? Doesn't it hurt just a little? Now you know how I have felt all this time." Of course, 5 minutes later it was bedtime and ONLY MOMMY CAN BRUSH MY TEETH, WIPE MY BUTT AND PUT ME TO BED. That's when my husband turned and looked at me from his corner of the couch and said "Nope, doesn't bother me at all."

Now both kids fight over who gets to have Mommy carry them upstairs for bed. I'm waiting for the day when Daddy becomes numero uno again. (Maybe I should line his pockets with Starburst, unbeknownst to him?)

Oh, and take heart: someone all the way in the suburbs of Chicago is with you on the manners. One of my most proud moments of late was when I was in the grocery store with my daughter, who seems to always be in someone's way in this aisle or that. Anyway, as she nearly bumped into someone, she looked up (without prompting) and said to the woman "Oh, excuse me!"

Just trying to do my part.

Jennifer

[a is for aardvark]

damn. I thought i was going to be able to run around naked saying "I'm number one!" So close.

My husband is now the holder of that coveted prize. I was kind of taken aback at first. It's been a couple of months now, but I'm loving that he's getting a little of that back breaking flavor of love.

Peanut is amazing. Never sick? So very jealous.

I'm failing miserably at teaching my son manners. He is obsessed with keeping me at bay and locking me in the bathroom. I can't close enough to even try anymore.

[enygma]

Being polite has gone the way of the dodo. Instead of students asking to meet with me for help, they demand it. What happened to, "Can you help me with the sonnet form?" Now, I hear, "I'm coming in this afternoon for help." Uh, I'm not at your beck and call.
Anyway, kudos to you for teching Peanut the way of polite behavior.

[Nad]

I think it may be easier to teach good manners to little girls. I have a 3.5 year old boy whose idea of a great joke is pointing his heiny to my face and fart. Burps and other disgusting bodily functions are also source of awesome ways to drive mommy crazy. Boys are weird....and GROSS...

[Paul Brown]

Starburst? Dude - Michael Pollan would call that child abuse. Corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and a full assortment of artificial colors.

[RA]

I love using the phrase "the old country." Have you tried "the motherland"? Also handy.

Just this morning, I held the door out of the parking garage for this random woman, and while she did say "thank you," she didn't even touch the door, zooming straight past me to whatever was more important than where I needed to go. I was left holding the door for NOBODY. You're welcome, jerkface.

[Whit]

That's great about the hair. Was it on your head at the time or already on the nightstand?

[Julian]

People in Chicago still have manners. At least a lot more so than anywhere on the east coast ;-)
It was really kind of a shock when I moved here.

[Jo]

Wow, mad story about your Dad.

Starbursts after teeth brushing time? Ooo!

They used to be called Opal Fruits in Ireland when I was a kid.

[Mama Nabi]

1/4 of a Starburst? Man, Peanut is getting ripped off. LN won't do anything until she gets a full one. Too funny, LN's fav candy these days happens to be Starburst.
Strep is apparently going around here as well... great.
Yeah, my pet peeve is people barking their floor numbers at me - then not even saying "Thank you." I hate it more when they do that to me in front of LN. I usually do damage-control right away and remind LN that SHE is supposed to say "Thank you" and "Please". And watch them squirm in embarrassment. One of these days, someone's going to punch me.

[Kim N]

Have you read the children's book "Once Upon a Time, the End"? It sounds like something you would enjoy. I bought it because it reminded me of story time with my dad when I was a kid. My husband and I read it to our kids and laughed until we had tears running down our face and the kids looked at us like we had lost our minds. They did like the book too though. Check it out:

http://tinyurl.com/36d9v9

Enjoy your blog!

[Preethi]

Nic epost.. as for the starburst I save it for the next morning.. you stay in bed and you get a star.. and with the star you can buy some candy! and when you have 3 stars you can buy a happy meal! Complicated I know but my 3 yr old has it down pat.. every time he needs something he stays in bed!

[Stephen J.]

How long did it take for you to become Peanut's favorite? Our son is a little over two and mommy is the center of his universe. This morning, he held the door open for me so I could leave for work and he could have mommy to himself. If it weren't so funny, I would cry!

[navi]

hmm... I thought she was sick and sick toddlers were schizophrenic?? ah, I found it: http://metrodad.typepad.com/index/2007/11/sick-toddlers-a.html google reader rocks...

anyway, on the woman who said 'I got it', it could be a feminist thing, some women consider it insulting. I just respond, if there's a double door, by thanking the man and return the favor by opening the next door for him (I have a habit of holding doors open anyway unless I'm feeling antisocial or am in a particular hurry, seems rather than eschewing politeness it makes more sense to make it an equal opportunity gesture by doing it myself...)

[Makabe]

I can't stop laughing. It's 7:59 p.m. and we both just RAN out of our kid's room, backing out, telling him to "go to sleep NOW. Playtime is over." Our reason? Idol starts in 1 min.

[Dawn]

Love reading your stuff. You always have me quoting you and LOL. Wish you had more time to write!

[JJ Daddy-O]

Dude, you need to move down South here, where people are polite, before you wind up banging on the hoods of taxis yelling "Hey! I'm WALKIN here!"

[Chris Austria]

Nice post. I looked around your site and we have a lot similarities, except that I have five children. Like you, my children are tougher than I am.

I am up for a set and I am anxious to see how good your backhand is.

[landismom]

Poor Peanut! Hope she feels better soon.

And you crack me up, MD. But I just don't get the Idol fandom. What's up with that?

[Childsplayx2]

My first week in New York, I held the door open for a woman as I was entering a building. She stopped short and said, "I can do it myself."

So I slammed the door in her face and walked away. I became a New Yorker that day.

I'm totally #1 here and it certainly has its negatives and positives. But I'll take favored status over the alternative any day.

We make bedtime early enough so that I don't miss Idol. That's called strategy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go buy some Starburst.

[Ann]

Thats right, JJ Daddy-O !
Come on down to the south, y'all ! Gentlemen open doors, and ladies say "Thank you".
We are adamant about teaching the bear manners. Whenever she bumps into someone/something she says "oh, excuse me". Even if it's a toy, or the wall, or the cat. Too cute. We're working on Yes Ma'am, and Yes sir. Can't stand a child who speaks disrespectfully. Can't Stand It.

[crystal]

That's cool with how your daughter is quite the trooper. Sounds like a really cool kid.

I would be concerned about potential cavities from consuming Post-brushing Starbursts.

[Kim]

Ha! I can't believe that Kim N. beat me to it. I was going to recommend "Once Upon a Time, The End" by Kloske. Peanut may not think it is that funny because she is young. I read it to boys age 6 and 10, and they thought it was funny. I read it to a 5 year-old girl and she didn't laugh. Check it out.

I loved reading to my daughter at night. She is too old for that now, so enjoy it while you can. (I know I am sounding like your grandma.) It's wisdom!

[NomadicOne]

Hey, MD! So glad to see a new post! I hope the Peanut is feeling 100% asap. And I understand the MFP status except I seem to get bath/bedtime duty no matter what (thanks to BikeBoy). And, now that Munchkin is 5.5, if she's not in bed by 8:00 on AI nights then she stays up until AI is over!

And, what did happen w/manners?? I hate when someone won't at least say "thanks" when I hold a door for them...or when employees at a store totally ignore me while I'm checking out--you know...keep talking amongst each other like I'm not there--until they tell me the amount I owe! Grrrr.

BTW, Tootsie Rolls are what we use as piano practice bribes...maybe we'll try Starbursts when we run out of our supply!

[Aimee Cantrell]

I'm so sorry to hear the Peanut has been sick. I hope she feels well soon!

I completely concur about manners and am trying to teach my daughters who to be ladies. I cringe when I hear of women saying "I got it myself." I'm always grateful there are gentlement out there still willing to open or hold a door and always reply with "Thank You."

Wow.

Maybe my girls will be as irritated with society and the lack of manners as I am when they are adults. I can only hope, right?