CHAOS THEORY: January 2007

Happy New Year, my friends!

Sorry for the delayed absence. After two weeks of vacation, I've practically forgotten how to type, shower, shave, speak English, or wear clothes while eating.

On the plus side, I've confirmed that my true life's destiny is to become a professional bon vivant. I remember when my immigrant father retired, he was worried about how he was going to spend his days after working non-stop his entire life. Screw that!

If anything, the past two weeks have taught me that I would be fucking fantastic at retired life. Bring me your finest meats and cheeses! Who wants another mai tai?

Anyway, I'm still readjusting to normal society. I promise to write more in the coming year. Meanwhile, here are a few quick thoughts:

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SANTA CLAUS: THE CARROT AND THE STICK

Sadly, I regret to inform all of you that we never made it to see Santa this year for the annual photo session. Whenever I mentioned it, the Peanut started freaking out.

On the plus side, she learned about Santa at school. She doesn't know about the elves or the North Pole or any of that shit. However, she gets the gist that if she behaves like a good girl, Santa will bring her presents.

For the past month, whenever she started giving me attitude, I'd just give her the Korean Death Stare (KDS,) reach for my cell phone, and say, "That's it. I'm calling Santa right now!" Wham! Total obedience.

And now, even though Christmas is over, I've got the whole thing down to a science. Whenever the Peanut gets cranky, I just lean over and whisper softly in her ear, "Santa." It's awesome.

That whole thing I said a few weeks ago about not wanting my daughter to be concerned with an omnipotent mythical father figure making value judgments about her behavior? Forget I ever mentioned it.

OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT (AGAIN!)

For the record...from now on, I am NEVER going to ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's in the hospital, has her feet in stirrups, and is pushing out a baby.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

One of the highlights of my vacation was just having hours upon hours to read leisurely while lying on the beach. Even though I'm a speed reader, I was still tearing through books like a mofo. Anyway, because many of you often e-mail me and ask what I'm reading, here's a quick recap of what I've read over the past week:

Free Food for Millionaires  (Min Jin Lee): Very impressive but somewhat flawed debut novel about an angry young Korean-American woman, raised by status-conscious immigrant parents in Queens, who falls out with them after she graduates from Princeton. Although the characters' troubles and struggles are cross-cultural, I think those of you whom are of Asian descent would appreciate this book more. It's almost great.

After Dark (Haruki Murakami): Classic Murakami. As always, his writing is hypnotically alluring and filled with themes of loneliness and alienation. Delicate. Suspenseful. And magical. If you've never read Murakami before, this is a good book with which to start.

Life Lessons from America's Greatest Writers: This is an anthology of never-before-published short essays by America's literary greats, culled from speeches they've given over the years at the annual PEN/Faulkner gala. Particularly great pieces from George Plimpton, Joyce Carol Oates, Alice Hoffman, Hoyce Carol Oates, and William Styron. Great toilet-reading material.

Confessions of an Economic Hit Man (John Perkins):  The author claims to have been chief economist at a private firm helping U.S. intelligence agencies and multinationals cajole and blackmail foreign leaders into serving U.S. foreign policy and awarding lucrative contracts to American business. I don't know what annoyed me more about this book, the poor writing or the self-inflated pretension. Skip it.

NEIL CUMPSTON: WORLD'S GREATEST FILM REVIEWER

I admit it. I'm a total effete film snob. My tastes usually run towards quirky or daring independent films, obscure foreign films, or arthouse movies. I see films at Lincoln Center. I read Film Comment magazine. And I have a little nerd crush on Pauline Kael and her writing.

Ironically, I usually hate people who are snobs about anything. Take music for example. Is there anything more annoying than speaking to a music buff who keeps dropping references to bands that you've never even heard of? That's why I generally keep my film preferences to myself.

MetroBro, a writer/director of independent films who not only shares my film sensibilities but also my strange sense of humor, recently sent me a link to a few reviews by Neil Cumpston, a brilliantly foul-mouthed film reviewer who is the most refreshingly honest critic writing today. It's like reading a review by your drunk uncle who suffers from Tourette's.

Take for example, his review of the forthcoming J.J. Abrams-produced horror flick CLOVERFIELD (Warning: language NSFW)...

"So here's the story: a monster attacks News York City. But that's not the fucked-up part.

The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It's like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin's vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it's hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.

Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that's getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin' 'Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it's gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn't stay away for long, if you know what I mean...Also, I don't know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out."

If you liked this review, check out his reviews of Batman Returns and Sin City.

NEXT YEAR'S BONUS WILL BE PAID IN SNARK

As most people understand, 2007 was a tough year for the economy. For those of us who run small businesses dependent on the retail market, it was especially tough. Personally, my company had a rough year. Consumer spending was down. Sales were down. Margins were lower. Meanwhile, health care costs, taxes, and Manhattan office rents went through the fucking roof.

Despite the bad year, I not only threw a holiday party for all my employees but I also gave everyone a cash bonus. I wanted them to have some extra money so they could really enjoy the holidays with their families. This wasn't easy for me to do. In fact, in order to do it, I had to borrow money from the bank and forgo giving myself any bonus.

I have 10 employees working for me. For each one, I wrote a personal note, gave them a gift that I bought myself, and enclosed a bonus check. Guess how many of them thanked me? TWO! Is that fucking incredible or what? Not surprisingly, the only ones who thanked me were older.

As for the younger ones? What do you think it was? Lack of manners? Sense of entitlement? Ignorance about the state of the economy? Upbringing? I've told this story to a few friends my age and it didn't seem to surprise any of them. WTF?

My daughter is three. And if you handed her a piece of shit off the sidewalk, she'd still look you right in the eye, smile, and say, "thank you very much."

MELANCHOLY AND THE INFINITE SADNESS

I think I've got the post-holiday blues. Or maybe I'm suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affliction Disorder.) I spent the past 4 days out at the Doctor's house in the Hamptons. He's got this incredible Sonos/Rhapsody sound system. Basically, you can listen to any song ever written in the entire universe. For the past 4 days, I was loading up his music queue with the world's most depressing songs. Finally, the Doctor had to grab the remote control from my hands and smack me on the fucking head. Anyway, in case you're interested, here are my five favorite current depressing songs:

1. "Landslide" by Smashing Pumpkins
2. "Everybody Hurts" by REM
3. "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division
4. "Scientist" by Coldplay
5. "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley

Quick. What's your favorite depressing song?

MY VAPIDLY SUPERFICIAL NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. Wear suits more. Cargo pants less.
2. Stop experimenting with my facial hair.
3. Never drink cheap booze again.
4. Take sushi-making class.
5. Eat foie gras and fried chicken whenever the fuck I want.

You guys got any good resolutions for the coming year? Let's hear them.

Next post: Yeah, I bought my daughter a Cinderella doll for Christmas. Got a problem with that?

 

Comments

[Meagan]

Hilarious as usual. I just saw Juno and LOVED it! Very quirky!

[JJ Daddy-O's Baby Momma]

Santa brought Little Mary Sunshine an Irish Dancing Barbie. This was lame on so many fronts. A. Being married to an Irishman, whose country's major cultural output (of late) is a style of dance that involves Never Moving Your Arms, and B. Barbie.

[Susan]

Favorite depressing song: Anything by Damien Rice, particularly 9 Crimes.
Resolution: Stop being scared and start taking more chances.

I'm glad you're back!

[Rattling The Kettle]

You gonna eat the foie gras together with the chicken, or separately?

[moe berg]

welcome back.

now that i'm here at my desk after 3 weeks off, i've been listening to a lot of 'waiting for my real life to begin' by colin hay.

[Fatlimey]

New Years Resolutions:
1. If a certain tool would make a job easier, just go and fucking buy it already.
2. Build a 1Kwatt kickass soundsystem. Any hobby that involves woodwork, soldering and sphincter loosening Techno Basslines is the hobby for me.
3. Get muddy with the sprogster more often.

[Paige Jennifer]

Right, so I work for my dad. I've been his employee for almost a decade. And his partner, I work with him but I don't technically work for him. The Friday before Christmas, us three Jews congregated in my dad's office for my quasi review and a presentation of a bonus check - something I've never expected and always felt uncomfortable taking. I must have uttered a gazillion thank you's before backing out the door like a pageant winner, waving a curled hand and dabbing tears as they rolled down my cheeks.

Either you're an appreciative person or an asshat. Sounds like you have a few asshats on your payroll.

[Danielle M.]

Welcome back, MD. I missed you! Glad to see that even in your seasonally depressed state of mind, you're still as funny as every. Happy new year to you and the family!

[anonymous]

When I was 25, a college friend passed away. The Scientist had just come out. It reminds me so much of that time, and specifically of how self-conscious she was about a scar on her face from one of her surgeries. I listened to it over and over for weeks.

[RA]

My resolutions sound depressingly banal after reading your exotic, urban ones. (To #1, I say, "Suit up!" in the wise words of Barney Stinson.) I'm trying to cook two new recipes per month and give up soda, except for a monthly celebratory root beer float as a reward.

[Missy Keenan]

Lost My Driving Wheel by the Cowboy Junkies; This Woman's Work by Kate Bush

[Spacemom]

I am still trying tog et out Thank yous for my kids. But seriously I think we need to teach our kids more about gratitude...

To depress me? Just start playing the "Shindler's List" soundtrack. Yeah, then I am down...BUt it doesn't take much

[Beth]

Right on, Susan: Anything by Damien Rice. Sheesh. I saw him in concert and he was plodding along on the piano and just stopped, mid-song, and said, "Fuck it," and grabbed his guitar and launched into a new song. Might have been a rehearsed moment, but even *he* seemed unable to stand the melancholy anymore.

MD, I'm sorry that your younger employees are all a bunch of etiquette illiterates. When did basic human interaction and courtesy become the exception to the rule? I must have missed that memo.

[Molly]

Favorite depressing song: "Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers. Great between-boyfriends music back when I was single.

[Lena]

"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails
"Serpentine" by Ani Difranco
"Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

Just finished the Murakami book. Great read. Been meaning to check out the Min Jin Lee book too.

[liz]

Wow, those are some depressing songs. I just played all 5 of them. Sounded good though -- anything would sound good to me right now since I've listened to my kids playing "Wanted: Dead or Alive" about 10,000 times on their Rock Band game in the past week.

[Helene]

Our company had a rough year too. We didn't have any formal Christmas party and nobody received any bonuses. All the kids in their 20's were bitching and sniping about it until one of the older managers heard them and loudly tore them a new one.

He yelled at them they should grow up and stop seeing bonuses as just another part of getting paid. Bonuses should be for hard work and rewards for a job well done. Here he was, an older man with a mortgage and two kids. If he wasn't complaining about not getting a bonus, why should these young snotheads?

After he was done, everyone in the office over 30 gave him a standing ovation.

[Brandon R.]

Don't even get me started on the younger generation. I work in advertising with a bunch of recent college grads. I've never seen a generation with such a sense of entitlement. When my peers and I started out in advertising, we knew how hard it was to climb the ladder so we busted our ass every day. These days, if I ask one of the kids to stay past 5:30, they give me attitude. Unreal!

[Rachel E.]

Favorite depressing song: All I Needed to Say by Michael W. Smith. (From my contemporary Christian music days - how embarrassing - but it came out right after my sister died suddenly and hit home. Still does.) New Year's resolution: To try to understand my 11-year-old daughter better - I feel like I never know what the hell I'm doing with her. BUT! I have at least taught her to be grateful and to show that gratitude. What do you say when you get something from someone Emma? Thank you! What do you say when you get something from someone that you already have Emma? Thank you! What do you say when you get something from someone and you don't like it Emma? Thank you! I'm sorry your employees weren't more thankful - they will be after they read your post today I bet! (Hi D!)

[Leora]

Is it wrong that my new year's resolution is to stop being so nice to everyone? I feel like I've been a doormat for the past few years and I'm sick of it. No more niceness on my part until I start getting some of it back!

[Angie in Texas]

what a bunch of self righteous ass hats! i can't stand working with 20 somethings (and it seems to me a LOT of them have that attitude).

resolution: decrease my carbon footprint (which is gonna be easy as pie 'cause right now it's twice the national average . . . but it's something i know'll get done). =) is that cheating?

depressing songs:
closing time - tom watts
another lonely day - ben harper
personal favorite slit-ur-wrists-song: do what you gotta do by roberta flack

[Erik]

Been tempted to delurk a few times before, but saddest song request pushed me over the edge.

Anything by the Tindersticks will definitely do the trick. One of my favourite songs -Tiny Tears- was featured in The Sopranos (episode 12, season 1).

[Janice]

Thanks for the book suggestions... I'm in dire need of a good book! Haven't read a grabbing one lately. Happy New Year!

[Jason]

"Every Day Is Like Sunday" by Morrissey. Definitely depressing.

[Green]

yeah please be careful with the pregnant question. Someone asked me once and I not only never ever wore that outfit again (which, that morning, I thought looked really nice on me) but I never went back to that chinese restaurant again (it was someone who worked there who asked me) which sucked because it was the best yet least expensive in the area.