The Juggle: Parent Hacks for the Inherently Lazy

The creative well runneth dry these days, my friends.

All my free time is being spent wrapping up the year at work, attending a flurry of holiday parties, updating my facebook status, and figuring out what books to give my family as presents. I've also been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how much I need to tip everyone for the holidays. How much does one give to the newspaper delivery guy?  Do I really need to tip every single garage attendant?  Most importantly, what's the policy on holiday gifts to teachers at daycare?

Speaking of not having a lot of free time, I've been getting a lot of e-mails from readers lately asking me how I manage my time. Most of the e-mails come from single people, married couples without kids, or expectant parents. They all want to know how I can spend so much time with the Peanut yet still have a life.

I'll tell you the same thing I always tell them. How do I do it? Easy. Crystal meth and scotch! Yee haw!

Actually, as any parent will tell you, it's damn tough balancing out everything in life once you have kids. Trying to find the time to fit everything in can get downright exhausting. See, my friends, until you have a kid, you never quite realize how much free time you had. In fact, you never even realize how many hours there even are in a day.

Nothing quite crystallizes that fact like the weekends.

Remember those Sunday mornings when you used to sleep in until noon, drink some coffee in bed, do the crossword, turn on the latest Radiohead CD, and then go back to sleep for an afternoon nap? Well, once you have a kid, that shit is all over.

As the old joke goes, God might have rested on the seventh day, but that's only because he sent his son to live with another family!

Once you have a kid, weekend mornings are spent waking up at the crack of dawn because your kid is licking your face, sticking a finger up your nostril, and demanding that you watch "Happy Feet" for the 8 millionth time.

It's actually amazing how much time you have in a day when you're forced to get up so early. However, it's not just the extra hours in the day that help you find time to do things. You'll find that having a kid forces you to have better discipline with your free time. That makes all the difference in the world.

I've also come to learn that in my quest to best utilize my free time, I've invented my own set of time-saving parent hacks. I'm sure every parent has their own set of "shortcuts." Here are just a few of mine:

• Instead of bathing the Peanut every evening, I sometimes just wash her with a bunch of wipes. I'm embarrassed to admit that, more than once, I've had her just stand in the bathtub while I hosed her down.

• Since she hates putting pajamas on to go to bed AND she hates getting dressed early in the morning, I'll sometimes put tomorrow's clothes on her before she goes to sleep at night. Once she wakes up, she's good to go. Two rocks, one stone!

• Eating dinner with a three-year-old can often take HOURS. Want to move the process along? Promise her some ice cream if she eats quickly. When said ice cream fails to materialize, feign shock and indignation. Instigate serious investigation with daughter as to who could have stolen all the ice cream from the house!

I'll admit it. Sometimes I feel a little guilty for being lazy about certain aspects of parenting. On the other hand, I like to think hacks like this free up space for more quality time.

How about you guys? Any time-saving tips you'd like to share? Got any that you're too embarrassed to submit to parenthacks.com? Here's the place to share them. No shame or judgment on this site. No sirree, Bob!

Next post:  The infamous annual Santa photo. We weren't going to even go this year because of last year and the year before! However, so many of you have e-mailed me about it, we're going to give it the old college try. Wish us luck!

Comments

[Rachel E.]

FIRST! (Sorry...I couldn't resist this tired, lame-ass joke since I'm almost never first.) I do my daughter's hair the night before. Curl it, braid it or whatever so the next day there's a nice wave to it and all she has to do is brush it and go. Otherwise she's look like a ragamuffin and I'd look like a bad mom letting her go out with her hair au natural - she's a pretty girl but wasn't gifted with particularly stylish hair.

[Anjali]

Too true, what you say about being more efficient about use of time. In my pre-kid days, I would think "Whatever, I only have 15 minutes, I can't get anything done in 15 minutes, so I'll just putter around." Not anymore. If I have 15 free minutes now, I think "Wow, I can get 5 things done!"

[Anjali]

Time saving trick: I always have cooked pasta; cooked rice; home-made, pre-cooked and frozen mini-hamburger patties; frozen, pre-cooked chicken sausages and two kinds of steamed veggies (often prepared in 5 minutes from frozen bags) in the fridge. That way, I can get home from a hectic day at 6 pm with a kid who's clamoring for dinner and have her balanced, healthy meal on the table within 5 minutes.

[jake d.]

Oh man, those lazy Sunday mornings seem like EONS ago!

[JAMom]

We just had our second four months ago and I have redefined hectic (first energy ball just turned three). Don't believe anyone who tells you it's easier going from one to two than it is from none to one...BS!

[BossLady]

Babe, remember the child-free days when we'd get offended if people called us before noon on the weekends? And now we get offended if people call us after 9pm. sigh.

[angela]

our twin parent hacks(we need double the short cuts)

-bath, only every other day.
-frozen pancakes, waffles, frozen anything that i know they eat..we have literally fed them.(in one sitting) frozen pancakes, frozen peas, and frozen congee(all defrosted of course)
-pajamas all day long, if they are not leaving the house (and sometimes, even when they are)
-when bottle feeding (they are only 1)they are strapped in, and sit in their old car seats, and feed. then we can be picking up, cleaning without having to sit there and feed them. thankfully they hold their own bottles now.
-if it ain't(too) dirty, it doesn't get washed. baby laundry can take over your life.

i'm sure i've got more hacks.. just to busy to type them!

[ms. bitter]

My husband's time-saving hack is to not spend any time alone with our kids. Sure does seem to free up a lot of time for him.

[Carolyn]

some suggestions for daycare/preschool teachers's gifts (I worked in a preschool for 7 years and have had my fair share of "interesting" gifts!): gift cards to starbucks or Dunkin Donuts (or anywhere, really), gas cards, something made by the child, and good candy.

[Rachel C]

oh yay Santa photo! I've been waiting anxiously for it :)

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Why bathe the kids at all?

That is what I say!

[irene]

i wash my kid and dog together..saves at least 20 min and soap...
when my kids eat dog is on the loose and cleans my dinningroom floor saves 15 min...
reading the ny times as night story saves 15 min my kids are so bored the fall asleep in no time..

hope it helps

[jjjane]

We don't have a laundry machine so I make my 2.5 year old twins take off their clothes when they eat. Dinner at our house is like a nudist colony.

[LawSchoolMom]

*Never bathe alone - the girls (6 and 11) used to shower together until the older one became body conscious. Now, my 6yo bathes with her 3yo brother.

*Wake up early - it takes me a solid 90 minutes to get three kids ready for school in the morning. The kids' wake-up times are staggered (6:15a and 7:00a) so the older ones can be dressed, fed and help with their younger sibling who wakes up a bit later.

*Mobile breakfasts - scrambled eggs in a pita pocket, Oatmeal To Go, French toast sticks

*Online grocery shopping - need I say more?

*Crockpot - so 1950s but it works and I can prepare it while the kid are all away at school instead of constantly underfoot.

*Delivery - sometimes I'm just not up for cooking, crockpot be damned. Thank goodness for delivery. We get restaurant food in about an hour, which gives us time to bathe, read, and play with the kids. Then, after dinner, it's bedtime!

*Telecommute - when work is slow, it's the only time I actually get to do things I want to do (like go skiing) without the children.

Going from one child to two was moderately difficult, but having three children has made me nearly insane. Seriously.

[Paige Jennifer]

Christmas for this Jewess is not Christmas without a photo of Peanut screaming and squirming from the grasp of an old man bedecked in red velvet trimmed with white fur.

(sigh) Goys have all the fun.

[merseydotes]

Gifts for the daycare providers? Cash, cash and cash. They are likely underpaid and stretched too thin. If you give gift cards or other stuff, add it to an envelope of money.

Parents hacks?
Teach your kid to brush her own teeth as soon as possible.
Have a TV in your bedroom so the early morning wakeups can turn into your kid watching TV from your bed while you sleep another 30 minutes with the pillow over your head.
Don't be afraid to exploit her inability to tell time by putting her to bed up to an hour early if she's cranky, sick or generally in a bad mood.

Can't wait to see the Santa pic!

I keep the mini van stocked with little baggies of cheerios, goldfish, granola bars, etc - if there is no time for breakfast, then we can do it on the road.

I've trained them as much as possible to take off their shoes as soon as they get inside the door and leave them there so there is no "where's my other shoe" crisis in the morning. Also, all shoes are velcro, even if you are in the 5th grade.

I limit TV as much as possible so that when I really, really need to get things done, they are sufficiently mesmerized by it.

Swimming in a chlorinated pool = a bath.

running through sprinkler = a bath

febreeze = doing laundry

[Lainey]

Yesterday morning, my son smelled terrible and I realized that he hadn't had a bath in over a week. What did I do? Spray him with some of my husband's cheap cologne and send him on his merry way!

[Rengirl]

Since Booger is old enough to enjoy bathing, she'll happily entertain herself in the bath for up to 20 minutes. That's more than enough time to wash my face, brush my teeth and slap some makeup on. If I'm in a real hurry, I will add a few pumps of baby soap into the water. That's just as good as manually soaping her down myself, right? I will also skip washing her hair if it passes a smell test.

[Kate C.]

I'm still laughing over the Santa pictures. The look on his face! Awesome.

[PhilJones]

Hey! I see several mentions of Scotch in your post. What brand do you prefer?

[Stacy]

I actually did a 'shopping guide' post that mentions the teachers. Honestly? Do not get them a scented candle or any shitty item with an apple or animated crayon on it.

Gift certificates. Always.

[Amy]

For some reason (because she's 3 years old maybe?) my daughter always refuses to stop what she's doing to pee. I was getting sick of her running to the bathroom a minute too late. So, now when she refuses, I've started challenging her to the "I bet I can pee louder than you" contest. She runs to the bathroom - first I pee, then she pees. No matter who's truly louder, I proclaim her the winner and she proclaims me the loser. Since we don't like the word "loser" in our house, she will then smile and award me the silver medal in the peeing contest.

This is not a hack for anyone who thinks privacy is a good thing.

[Kathy]

a little cornstarch in the greasy hair and some patchouli when they smell bad and they're good to go! the diaper wipe bit was very funny. How about a Swisher Mini Duster just for for filthy tots?

I'm stumped on the teacher gift too. A few lottery tickets perhaps? Teachers need to win the lottery.

[Monica]

Ok, so here is how we sleep in. We have taken one of those playyard gates and stretched it across all dangerous sections of our bedroom. (It's about 20 feet long I would guess?) We removed our sitting area and all furniture except our bed and turned it into a giant play area. A lot of her favorite toys are there and we just plop her down after breakfast and go back to sleep for 2 hours. Not dead yet. Whoopee!

Once she is big enough to climb over the gate we are thinking about getting a tv to sedate her. We don't do early mornings.