MetroDad

Linky Dinky Dog

I don't know what's wrong with me. Either I'm still suffering from jet lag or I'm discovering the ramifications of subsisting solely on leftover turkey sandwiches for an entire week. My sinuses are killing me. My stomach has declared mutiny. And for the past 5 days, I've embarked on a farting odyssey that is seriously causing my wife to reevaluate everything about our relationship.

What to do? Clearly, I can't write. I can barely even see straight. However, that hasn't stopped my from surfing the internet and discovering a surfeit of entertaining links. And because I love all of you so much, I thought I'd share some of my recent favorites with you.

• Here's an insult to fathers everywhere. Details has put Kevin Federline on this month's cover of their "50 Most Influential Men Under 45" issue.  Kevin and Larry Birkhead were touted as "The Good Fathers" and slotted in the #7 slot! In the profile (which touts how great a father he is,) Kevin goes on to say that his experience as a daddy helps him to "keeps things in perspective."  Umm..is it just me or does anyone remember that he was a father BEFORE he impregnated Britney? Does he make as much of a fuss over the kids he has that aren't worth millions of dollars?

• Public radio in general and NPR in particular are not widely regarded as arbiters of cutting-edge popular culture. But on a newly launched, decidedly 21st-century music website, NPR puts its eclectic tastes to work for you, providing an amazingly organized treasure trove of free music to satisfy almost any sensibility. This might be the coolest thing NPR has ever done!

• When I was a little kid, I'd always bring my pet rock to school for show-and-tell. Never did it occur to me to bring an Olson twin.

• A few great pieces from the New Yorker available online: (1) an extended profile of David Simon, creator of "The Wire"---the best show on television that nobody's watching. (2) Nora Ephron's hilarious take on what happens when you read the book AND see the movie.

• I've yet to see I’m Not There, Todd Haynes’s Bob Dylan biopic. I hear my pretend girlfriend Cate Blanchett is absolutely incredible in it. However, the soundtrack to the film is blowing me away---33 tracks’ worth of Bob Dylan covers that are a perfect tribute to the man who first made these songs great. Eddie Vedder’s rendition of “All Along the Watchtower,” Yo La Tengo's melodic take on  "Fourth Time Around" and Cat Power’s breezy stroll through “Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again” are just some of the highlights. Listen to them all here.

• I hate the Wiggles. I love rap music. Put them together and you might find yourself body popping with your toddler.

• Patriots QB Tom Brady is having one of the greatest seasons in the history of the NFL. He's also got leading man looks and, if that's not enough, spends his free time dating Gisele. However, he's also the same guy who got Bridget Moynahan pregnant and dumped her. For the same reason that we hate Billy Crudup for bailing out on Mary-Louise Parker when she was pregnant, BossLady and I hate Tom Brady. Can you really blame Bridget for being bitter? No wonder she wants to raise her son gay. No man betrays the Bridge and gets away with it!

• When I was in college at Berkeley, my parents wanted me to call home every Sunday night. However, that night was always reserved for getting high and heading over to the Domino's where one of our buddies was the night manager. Aside from making our own stoner pizzas, we'd play football with giant globs of pizza dough. Fun times. These days, college kids chat online with their folks or send video updates of what's happening their lives. Sometimes, the results aren't what you'd expect.

• Thanksgiving and Christmas are the times when we all go home and spend time with our dysfunctional families. Instead of getting drunk on egg nog and making your mother weep, why not preempt matters with this useful dysfunctional family letter generator?

• Hip-hop rivalries have a fierce history. West Coast rap vs. East Coast rap. 2Pac vs. Biggie. Nas vs. Jay-Z.  G-Unit vs. The Game. Well, apparently one of the least-known rivalries was between Kanye West and 70-year-old daredevil legend Evel Kneivel. It all started over Kanye's "Touch the Sky" video when he dressed up as "Evel Kanyevel" and tried to jump over a canyon on a motorcycle. The real Evel Kneivel was pissed, filed a lawsuit, and called Kanye a "worthless piece of crap." Well, it looks like the feud got settled before bullets started flying. The two recently met and made the peace. The photo alone is worth a thousand words.

• BossLady and I are debating how to introduce the concept of Santa Claus to the Peanut. In doing some research online (because that's what nerds like me do,) I found the history of the phrase, "Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus." I'd always heard it but never really knew what it meant. It's a fascinating story dating back to 1897.

• Though I tend to avoid discussing politics or religion on the site, here's an interesting article by Christopher Hitchens on why the religion of presidential candidates should matter, specifically when it comes to Mitt Romney's family history with the Mormon church. Also, are white people afraid to make fun of Barack Obama because he's black?

• Looking for a great time-killer site that also allows you to help those in need? Free Rice is an amazing online vocabulary test. For every correct answer, 20 grains of rice are donated to the UN World Food Program. Thank God it's for a good cause because the game is highly addictive. My high score is level 46. What's yours?

• From the parenting blogosphere come two stories that touched me for different reasons. First, my friend Xiobahn tells the story of how her amazingly cool husband surprised her for their 10th wedding anniversary. Second, my buddy Mike, while playing with his adorable daughter, remembers and pays tribute to the memory of his older brother. Read them both. If you're not moved by both of them, you've got a heart of coal.

What's in YOUR web browser these days?

In other news, my curiosity finally got the better of me and I joined facebook this past week. I couldn't believe how many of you guys are on there! I thought it was just for college kids and Japanese schoolgirls.

Like my daughter, I find everything fascinating for about a nanosecond so I'm curious to see how soon it will be before my interest wanes. What do you think? Is facebook a useful application for the new millennium or will it soon go the way of Kozmo.com, the wood television, and corduroy shirts?

Greetings from Cambodia!

Greetings from Cambodia, my friends!

While some of you may only know this country as the birthplace of it's most famous citizen, Maddox Jolie, Cambodia is a fascinating place with a rich cultural history. Twenty-five years since the demise of the Khmer Rouge, this peaceful land has been undergoing major changes recently and foreign investors are flocking here by the thousands to help the country enter the modern age. It’s fascinating to watch an entire country change before your very eyes.

According to the UN, there are 192 countries in the world. At last count, I'd visited 46 of them. Cambodia makes it 47. Before I die, it's my goal to become a member of the Traveler's Century Club. 

This insane travel bug comes from my mother. She’s one of the few people I know who has been to more countries than I have and, at the age of 64, she's showing no signs of slowing down. In fact, part of the reason she became a teacher was so she could always have summers free to travel.

Obviously, this love of travel is one of the things I want to pass on to the Peanut. So far, all she's inherited from me are a big head and sweaty feet. Total bummer. I feel awful about that.

Anyway...I've always been amazed at how little Americans travel to other countries. I've got so many close friends with both the means and the free time to explore the world but instead spend every vacation sitting on one beach or another. Their definition of "roughing it" means staying at a resort without free wi-fi.

Traveling abroad isn't cheap and it's not often easy. Every time I discuss my travels here, I get a ton of e-mails from younger people asking me for advice on how to do it. It's easy. Spend a year abroad teaching English. Volunteer for the Peace Corps. Go on a religious mission. Transfer to a foreign branch of your company for a year. Check out last-minute travel deals and be prepared to leave on a moment’s notice. If the passion is there, you’ll always find a way.

Life is short, my friends, and the world is a fascinating place. Try to see as much of it as you can before your time on the planet is up. It can change your entire perspective on life. As a friend of mine who just returned from his first trip to Asia said, “You forget that everywhere is just a plane ride away.” 

In other travel-related news...

(1) I always forget that requesting a non-smoking room in a SE Asian hotel means that nobody is smoking in your room RIGHT NOW!

(2) Germans are great travelers. You find them everywhere. However, if the men would just leave those nut-hugging bikini bottoms at home, the world would be a much better place.

(3) From 1975-1979, the Khmer Rouge killed 2.3 million Cambodians out of a population of 7 million. If any of you have seen The Killing Fields, you may be familiar with this tragic tale of genocide. Last night, I spent the evening talking to a man whose 10 siblings were executed in the killing fields and were forced to dig their own graves. Man’s ability to commit crimes against humanity never ceases to amaze me. Why have we not learned from the past to stop the atrocities currently happening in Darfur?

(4) Despite man’s ability for destruction, visiting places like Machu Pichu, Angkor Wat or the pyramids of Giza reminds you that man’s ability to create is equally awesome.

(5) Children here often walk 5 miles to school and study year-round. Many are fluent in 3 languages. If we don’t start taking education more seriously in the U.S., we’re all going to be working at call centers for Asian companies in 50 years.

(6) All toilet paper is not created equal. 

(7) I downloaded the entire first season of Dexter onto my ipod and watched it on the flight over here. How come nobody ever told me what a great show it is? Michael C. Hall has to be the creepiest guy on television aside from Donald Trump!

(8) You can visit any karaoke bar anywhere on the planet and the only thing that's guaranteed is that you'll find "Take Me Home, Country Road" in the songbook. John Denver may be our country's most popular cultural export.

(9) Whenever I travel, I'm always questioned about life in America. Why is Paris Hilton famous? Do all the women in California look like Pamela Anderson? Yesterday, I met a local guy who is addicted to satellite television. He was bombarding me with a million questions when suddenly he paused for a moment, turned quite serious, and asked me, "What is wrong with Larry King?"

Dude, I have no fucking idea.

I’ve got a long journey ahead of me this week, my friends. Twenty-six hours of transit so I can make it home for Thanksgiving. Perfect opportunity for another MetroDad mailbag. We haven’t done one in awhile so e-mail me your questions or leave them in the comments. I've still got a few questions lined up from the last time we did this. However, as always, feel free to ask me whatever’s on your mind.

The reader with the most interesting question or the one that makes me laugh so hard I fart will win an amazing and very special souvenir from Cambodia. Fire away!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU AND ALL YOUR FAMILIES! MAY WE ALL TAKE SOME TIME TO REMEMBER HOW MUCH WE HAVE TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

Sick toddlers are like schizophrenics (but not as cute!)

The Peanut has been sick as a dog for a week. How do I know this? Many reasons but mainly because while sleeping in our bed the other night, she lifted her head, threw up on my face, and whispered, "I think I'm sick, Daddy."

By the way, I'm no scientist but I'm pretty sure that toddler vomit is composed of asparagus pee, gorganzola cheese, dirty socks, and week-old Indian food. I've gone through 3 bottles of Kiehl's Pineapple Papaya facial scrub and I STILL can't get the vomit smell out of my skin. WTF?

Anyway, being that we live in such an egalitarian household, BossLady and I have been taking turns staying home with the Peanut.

Now, let me ask you something---did any of YOUR fathers stay home with you when you were sick?  I'm not sure whether it's cultural or generational but my father NEVER stayed home with me when I was sick. I don't think he even would have known what to do with me. He probably would have made me do homework while he practiced putting in the living room.

Peanut and I had a fun time together while she was home sick. However, during the course of the day, I've come to learn a lot about sick toddlers. Want to know the most important thing I learned?

They're fucking crazy!

One moment, we'd be cuddling up together on the couch under a blanket and watching "Happy Feet" for the 8 millionth time. Two minutes later, she's screaming her head off at me.

I tried to transcribe the snippets of conversation that came out of her mouth today. Here's a brief compendium:

"Daddy, I love being cozy with you. You're number one."

"I DON'T WANT A SWEATER, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT ONE ON ME, I WANT A JACKET, NO, NOT THAT JACKET, THE OTHER JACKET, WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME? ARE YOU BLIND? DEAF? STUPID? GO AWAY! I HATE YOU! WAAAHH!!!"

"This soup is yummy, daddy! Thank you so much for making it for me. I love you soooo much."

"I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW, NO, I CAN'T WAIT ONE SECOND, FORGET YOU, I'M PEEING AS WE SPEAK, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, I WANT MY MOMMY, I HATE YOU DADDY, I'M GOING TO PEE ON YOU AND WHILE I'M PEEING, I'M GOING TO SCREAM AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE! WAAAHH!"

"I like staying home with you. Can we do it again tomorrow? Maybe mommy can stay home with us? Want some of my ice cream, daddy?"

Seriously, sick toddlers are like Sybil, John Nash, and Syd Barrett all rolled up in one.

Personally, I think Peanut is just pissed because I kicked her little three-year-old ass in Scrabble. She's really cute but she's got the vocabulary and spelling skills of a chipmunk. Shit, half the tiles she threw down weren't even facing upwards. Does she think I was born yesterday? There are only two blanks in the entire game and she's throwing three of them down in a single turn? Nice try, kiddo.

She really got pissed when I started doing my touchdown dance and sang my version of Queen's "We are the Champions!" Little did she know that I'm the Scrabble Master!

Before I had a kid, I swore I'd never tank and lose games to him or her on purpose.  I hate seeing parents prop their kids up with false self-esteem. These days, it seems kids get praised just for putting their sneakers on the right feet. Shit, my dad never let me beat him in anything and he never showered me with false praise. And look how well I turned out!

Just kidding.

Was I too cruel? Do you let your kids win in games?

In other news...

(1) Whenever I'm sick, I crave some old-school Korean ox tail soup. I made a huge batch for the Peanut the other day and she loved it. While eating the meat, she asked me what it was and I stupidly replied "a cow's butt." Needless to say, there are probably no funnier words in the English language to a 3-year-old than "cow's butt." I'm a freaking idiot.

(2) When my friend Leah Peah interviewed me and asked me to confess a secret, I joked that when it’s late at night, I pour myself a drink and watch re-runs of “Extreme Makeover” so I can cry myself to sleep. Well on Sunday night, I found myself watching the show. It focused on a single father raising 5 sons by himself in the 'hood. None of the kids had beds. Food and money were tight. The father had suffered two heart attacks. And despite all the hardship, the dad still managed to found a community group focused on helping other single dads. There was so much love in the house and the episode was so touching that I found myself bawling elephant tears into my scotch. Man, fatherhood has really made me soft.

(3) RIP Norman Mailer.  I was fortunate enough to have met you several times over the years. You were always so gracious that it always threw me for a loop. I guess I expected your reputation as a tough guy to precede you. But you were a bear of a man, a hell of a writer, and one of my all-time literary favorites. There will never be another writer like you. You'll truly be missed. Screw the haters!

Shakin' Down the Sugar

There have been three occasions over the course of my lifetime where my undying love for music has endangered my physical well-being:

In 1989, I went to see Boogie Down Productions and the legendary KRS-One perform at a shitty rap club in an even shittier part of Oakland. During the concert, a fight broke out and people started shooting at one another.

In 1990, I saw Jane's Addiction at the Fillmore.  Mistakenly believing that, at some point in one's life, everyone should try stage diving into a mosh pit, I jumped head-first off the stage, hit the ground, bounced up, and was immediately body slammed by a 250 lb dude. Not only did I get the living shit knocked out of me, I also bruised two ribs and couldn't move for a week.

This past Sunday, I was sitting in the front row of Carnegie Hall watching Laurie Berkner perform in concert. As soon as she started playing "I'm Gonna Catch You," I found myself suddenly surrounded by a lethal gang of violent midgets who tried to trample me to death while indignantly spitting all over me.

Okay, upon second glance, they weren't midgets. They were just wildly unrestrained dancing toddlers.

Have you ever seen a pack of unrestrained dancing toddlers?  It was terrifying! These kids bum rushed the stage like Altamont back in '69. I kept waiting for the Hell's Angels to show up and bounce these kids back to their seats.

In any regard, the concert was surprisingly awesome and I had more fun than I could have ever imagined.

You want to know why? 

Because it proved for about the one millionth time that the best part of being a parent is letting go of any pretensions of coolness and experiencing the world through your kid's eyes.

Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I would stand in front of several thousand people, flap my arms like a little bumblebee, and dance around in a circle yelling, "buzz, buzz, buzz!"

Clearly my daughter has had a great impact on my life.

However, at the end of the concert, I learned that my influence on her may be even greater. As Ms. Berkner and her jolly bandmates exited the stage, my ridiculously cute little 3-year-old daughter climbed up on her chair and yelled at the top of her lungs, "PLAY FREE BIRD!"

Internet, I may never have a prouder moment as a father. 

By the way, Carnegie Hall may be one of my all-time favorite places in NYC. During the entire concert, I kept looking around in sheer disbelief that the Peanut and I were dancing to Laurie Berkner in the same hallowed space that has seen legendary performances by Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, Rachmaninoff, Gershwin, and Ellington. Thanks to the awesomely good people over at Scholastic for comping us free tickets and amazing seats.

In other news, I turn 39 this week. Happy birthday to me!

As a wise man once said, "You're only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."