War & Peace: The Toddler Years

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “Battle not with monsters lest you become one.”

Normally I'd say that, in the grand pantheon of parenting literature, this is the wisest and most profound philosophical statement ever proffered on the subject of dealing with an unruly toddler.

However, I tend to discount anything ever said by Nietzsche because (1) the dude was German, (2) homeboy was fucking crazy, and (3) he never had kids.

I much prefer the words of the late 20th-century Brooklyn philosopher Pat Benatar, who not only looked much better in black leather pants but also famously crooned, "love is a battlefield."

In my ongoing battle with the most stubborn toddler this side of Leipzig, here's the latest weekend scorecard between me and the Peanut:

I was like the Miami Dolphins of parenting this weekend. I went 0-7 on almost every single battleground. Damn!

For those of you who think I'm one of those coddling modern-day parents who lack sufficient backbone when it comes to disciplining his child, I invite you over for a weekend of "Survivor: Tribeca." If you can control my daughter, you get a million bucks and permanent employment in the MetroDad household. If you lose, you owe me a bottle of Advil and some Johnnie Walker Black.

Any takers?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Wussies!

Next post: Do you have to be white to be Cinderella?

Comments

[Angelina]

Just a practical suggestion: take her out, but bring the sweater with you. When she gets cold, she can put it on.

You gotta choose your battles...

[Roger]

I say that you get a "Sound of Music" sweater or an "Annie" one... this way there's more chance she would wear it.

[Mama Nabi]

oh, you're soooo on! Of course, while I tame The Peanut, you get LN. Either way, we get Johnny Walker, right? Black? Good choice, my man... ah, hell, why don't we ditch the pretenses and go straight to advil and JWB while Peanut and LN lick-clean everything in sight... and possibly eat each other's boogers.

[Devra]

Game on! Name your weekend. I'm only a trainride away and this is totally my gig. And if I lose? My father owns a liquor store so I can pay out in minutes.

[QSMama / Lea]

I sympathize--oh, so completely. Person after well-meaning and annoying person has told me things like, "Well, you just need to let her know you mean business." (Yeah, thanks, f-in Sherlock, I hadn't thought of that.) Or, "You just need to insist that she go to sleep at eight," instead of blabbering for 1.5 hours every night. (Sure. I'll just duct-tape her mouth and bungee-cord her to the bed.) Or that she stop rearranging the furniture and dragging every piece of clothing out to produce her own Cinderella-going-to-the-ball show. (Right. I'll just get her some ADD drugs and quell that nasty creative edge.) And so on.

Our daughters sound a lot alike: three and absolutely unstoppable. If you find your taker, and he or she survives, please post their contact information. I have Challenge II: Return of the Three-Year-Old for him or her.

In the meantime, repeat after me: These will all be admirable attributes and talents one day. The rub is in getting them to that day in one piece, and maintaining sanity until that time.

Oh, and Tanqueray gin helps. (For you.)

Utter sympathy from NC,

- L

[erickaweb]

I'm misquoting Thom Hartmann, but Cinderella is cultural brainwashing where the "good" girl meekly does what she's told and the two "bad" girls actively pursue their goals. Of course, they're much older than 3, but I think Peanut's strong personality will serve her well later in life. Maybe you can take some small comfort in that.

[Tom N.]

I'll take that challenge! Next time I make it there from Seattle, that is....

Heck, I'll trade you. You can take my daughter (only a couple months older than the Peanut) and I'll take yours, for a day. See who's still sane at the end. :-)

But of course it won't work, because kids always behave better when they're around others. They hide the bad behavior so other adults think you're crazy.

[Ken]

Hilarious. Bookmarked.

[Marcus]

Your kinda condescending for a chink...Whats up with that...PS when is my dry cleaning done?

[Jo]

Best blog ever! The good news is, eating boogers is good for kids' immune systems, apparently, as they contain killed bacteria. So I guess that's a tick to you in a way...

Banish snoring forever... within 2 weeks... 100% naturallt

[Term Papers]

Nice post. Keep it up.

[nike shox o'nine]

Experience is the na me give their mistakes. (Oscar Wilde, British playwright and poet)

[Retro Jordan]

In overcast conditions the skylight is always blue (clear skies are needed for the pink light) and it is generally much darker, with night falling much more quickly.

[Margarethe]

These pictures are just too wnrfeodul! Of course, you couldn't have two better looking or more precious subjects (or three, including Mr. Hansel). There's not a single bad picture in the whole bunch. I think my favorites are the beach pictures, since that is where the engagement took place and where they will begin their new life together. Cheers to the bride and groom and these beautiful shots! Love.

[Adrienne]

Oh dear, how ironic! Joanna, I just tried to leave a cemnomt here for you a bit about my (largely positive) experience with the Top Commenters plugin and a bit about how I sometimes reward cemnomters by trawling among their blogs for post ideas and link opportunities but I'm afraid that long-ish cemnomt may be lost in the bowels of WordPress. I got a screen that said Warning: Cannot use a scalar value as an array in /home/tellin5/public_html/confidentwriting.com/wp-content/plugins/akismet/akismet.php on line 188 and a whole bunch of other lines too.