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October 11, 2007

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Rachel E.

What is a writer? Someone who writes - writes what he knows about and writes it well. YOU'RE a writer. Wear it proud.

Kudos on the CAN nod. I'm sure your pieces will add a great deal to the evening. I've heard they do great work.

Wayne Barr

Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I'd end up spending my nights patiently allowing my daughter to put dozens of pink hairpins in my luxuriant black hair while petting me on the head and loudly exclaiming, "Daddy, you're soooo pretty!"

Did you read the article in Time magazine that wonders if you're less of a man for doing things like this? Do you ever worry about your masculinity and testosterone levels while engaged in such activity with your daughter?

Yeah, me neither. But I guess the writers at Time think it's important to explore this topic.

Thanks for bringing a good cause to my attention.

Jen B.

I love these Chaos Theory posts. This one was one of my favorites. That's so cool that those celebs are reading your writing for the CAN benefit. I think that proves that you ARE a real writer, MD.

Justin

The MetroBro section is hysterical as I have the voice of one of my single DC friends that could easily have written that down from his own personal experience.

Good luck on your JWBSW! Supplement with Green or Gold? (Not Blue, that's just way to much) :D

Jess

I guess my feeling on alcoholism or addiction in general is a disease is that it's more of a mental/psychological disease like schizophrenia than it is a physical disease like cancer. And some people do feed themselves cancer "juice" by doing things like lying out in the sun all day without sunscreen. The link just isn't quite as direct.

Mikeymike

I thought it read you were driving your Aston Martin OR your Monte Carlo. Now I'm imagining you as Denzel in training day, or in a wifebeater and chinos in East LA.

Koreans are predisposed to alcoholism, by the way. Why might you ask? Because we're Korean, that's why. We need to drown our collective historical sorrow and shame in something.

Tell your brother to stay away from FOBs. But I'm sure he knows that now.

B. Roberts

I feel your pain, MD. Last night, my daughter put my hair in pony tails and asked if she could put makeup on me. I said yes to the former but no to the latter.

A dad has to have his limits.

Helene

Does MetroBro ever make it out to Montreal? He totally sounds like my kind of guy.

Adele Richards

You are one of the best writers I read (and I read a lot). So boo yah to that. Also, you still have some pink ribbon in your hair - you are SO pretty.

I am so vicariously excited that you are getting read by Jason Alexander. I know he's an actor (LOOK AT ME) and all...but man, if I had something read by him....I'd start an entire chest-thumping blog just to go on about it for all eternity.

Stupidly excited on your behalf.

nonlineargirl

I knew there was a good reason to keep my girl away from musicals!

SMG

I knew kid's birthday parties in Manhattan were expensive but I had no how expensive until last month. My niece had a little bowling party at Chelsea Piers with a bunch of her friends and their parents. My brother told me it cost him over $1,000!

Almost makes me want to stay single.

kittenpie

Um, yeah. A teacher friend of mine had a child actor in her grade 1 class who broke into hysterics if she got a scratch on her face. She knew it was important to get those auditions and thought it might hurt her chance. Talk about horrible pressure to put on your kid.

Stef

Bwahaha! That photo of MetroDog is hilarious. He really is the coolest dog in town.

Anne Glamore

LMSSAO
(Laughing My Southern Suburban Ass Off) at your brother and the ladies getting the bigaxe85 emails.

CONGRATS! on the LA thing and BRAVO for your cause. We all have our diseases to support and it can be hard to pick one. And that's a great way to use your fame.

MetroDog is at least getting better scraps now, right?

RA

A few, rambly thoughts:

1) Congrats on the CAN benefit! I'm curious which posts they've chosen; can you tell us, or does that defeat the whole purpose of the ticket-buying?

2) That picture of MetroDog is awesome.

3) As much as I wholeheartedly agree with your decision to keep the Peanut away from show business, we need more Asian representation! One of my former co-workers interrupted me mid-sentence, within 30 seconds of meeting me, to ask if anyone had ever told me that I look like Lucy Liu. And I looked blankly at him and said no. Because I don't. Because not all Asian people look the same, YOU FREAKING IMBECILE. (He then commenced to call me Lucy Liu for the rest of the workday and happy hour later, but that's a different issue. I no longer work there.) But then, I know that Asian actors are not exactly able to get a wide spread of roles, so what can you do? At least the Peanut has a bright future as a stylist, right?

b*babbler

Your brother is one funny dude. This is excellent!

Angie in Texas

i know an adult who was a child actor and lemme tell you - S.A.D.

you *do* have the collest dog in manhattan.

metrobro is funny!

have you painted the peanut's toenails yet?

Angie in Texas

coolest . . . i meant COOLEST

Julie

@RA: Hey, I'd take Lucy Liu any day! I get Margaret Cho. All. the. time.

christina

I hear you on the toddler birthday party thing. Seeing that mine will be soon I've been looking at whether we will have party or not and how large. We finally opted to do a small family gathering. The way I see it is that she'll look back at pics and see herself in front of a sweet confection of some sort blowing out a few candles. Beyond that she won't remember whether Jane X and Julie X and John X came or not. She'll just remember what the photo says. Has Peanut really given up her afternoon naps? My kiddo is on that precipice and we're so not ready for it.

I'm really sorry for the long comment but I had to share this after reading your brother's very funny email. The response is on the bottom. I deleted the guys name.

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST the other day:

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at

least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could

you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married

to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead

gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests Craig's List PostingID:

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring

my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset . Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in

earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense

to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful "

as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to
enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

____________
J.P.Morgan
Diversified Industrials Investment Banking
277 Park Avenue , 16/F, New York, NY 10172
--------------------------------------------------------

BOSSY

Fer chrissake, man - these long funny posts are putting the rest of us to shame.

Whit

Good stuff as usual, but all I can think of is two weeks! Hold on, brother!

mrsclutch

delurking to tell you how much i love your blog, and to wish metrodog a happy belated birthday! my frenchie just turned 10. :)

Janet

It's nice to see that funny runs in the family. MetroBro is pretty funny in his own right!

Hygiene Dad

Dude, I can totally take over on the Singing in the Rain part. My people live for musicals. Next time I'm in the city, put me in the streets with that umbrella.

And one note on the genetic predisposition; it true. We have 18 in our family including me. :)

momomax

that is so cool about l.a.

I hate hanging out with actors, but not so much because of the *lookatme* thing. they just make me sound like a neanderthal who can barely string together a sentence while they're belting out a high c.

how old is the bro and does he like really crazy women?

um, that was a longass post. I forgot what I was going to say about all the other funny stuff.

Navi

I will not donate to Cure Autism Now, because I don't want to Cure my son't autism. Treat it, yes. Cure it, no. A lot of these groups are anti vaccine, a lot of parents are getting scared into not vaccinating their children because of them. Now I don't say that maybe the vaccine didn't cause some kids autism. I'm pretty sure it didn't cause mine though. and as a parent of a low functioning autistic child I would rather have an autistic child than one with a deadly disease. I also don't like the fact that many behind these programs are so militant behind their beliefs that they refute and bend scientific evidence. They do a lot of good, but they do a lot that also offends many of those in the autism community who can speak for themselves.

sp

which pieces will they be reading?

misfithausfaru

Your post was great fun to read. We are in the midst of planning a 5 year old's birthday party. I'll be pleased to spend less than $150. In your spare time, what shows are you watching?

BD

I know what you mean about all the blatant self-promotion. It's a turn-off for me too. I also hate all these dumb blog popularity contests and it drives me nuts to see people pimping themselves for people to vote for them. It's like junior high class elections all over again.

Holmes

Holy...where to start with the commenting glory. My first thought was, "they have Denny's in New York?!" For some reason that surprised me. I guess I assumed you guys had cool diners right out of great paintings like "Nighthawks."

Oh, and I hate to tell you man, but there are in fact kids that aren't cute. Check it out: http://tinyurl.com/2ztcwk

I'm shocked to hear that you're not already lighting your Cubans with Benjamins on your private jet. There goes my whole image.

It's nice to know that even as a white guy, I can be considered native-American in some circles.

And finally, big congrats on the CAN reading. Kickass!

Jackson

Just because you don't write for a living doesn't mean you're not a writer. I'm one by trade so I happen to know my fair share of professional writers. You're far more talented than most of them.

Phoenix

I'll tell you MD, next time you're feeling like you are too busy to post, a video of you tap dancing and singing in the rain, will suffice. I believe it would show us all your....ok, never mind, I'd laugh my ass off.

I feel for MetroBro, being a single women isn't much easier that being a single man. Internet dating is horrific.

I think it's awesome that your posts will be read at the CAN fundraiser. You are a writer, at least in my eyes.

Mark

Do the pink hairpins get in the way of the Rogaine therapy?

Catherine

I have a sister who MetroBro might be like. She's 28, smart, funny, and hot. Does he ever make it out to Los Angeles?

Waya

100% agree with you on the alcohol not being a disease. For me, it's obesity not being a disease. I think it's really a nutritional choice,it seems you can "super size" anything these days. I mean look around the world today, it seems that we (the U.S.) is so obese compares to our counterpart.

Speaking of Autism cause, I just donated to a friend who's doing a walk for "Autism Speaks" in NY, not sure if you're aware of that or not.

And as for your writing, I think you are very talented even if you don't think you are. I look forward to your new post every week. Keep it up Pierre!

Jenny

I would say the addiction to alcohol is a disease and I was gonna say about CAN that not every person with autism is really severe. That said, I'm not sure about Navi's claim about them being anti-vaccine

Christine

you're hilarious.
peanut is precious.
your dog is too cute. does he have breathing problems?

Mom101

That Acts of Love thing is SUPER cool and only made cooler by the fact that you're a part of it now. Huge congrats. You must be honored.

And I totally love you (as always) for how you spent Peanut's birthday. I think when 3 year old parties are the new sweet 16s, no wonder sweet 16s are the new Caligula orgies.

Eris

Your brother is hilarious, and probably totally right.

Congratulations on the readings! I wish I were in LA!

Stacy

Which posts?

landismom

Hey, for that one, it's not self-promotion. It is, however, really cool! Good work, MD.

austie

Your brother is hilarious, MD. I laughed out loud when I read "lightfoot75" and "woundedkneenyc."

IHF

The CAN readings thing is awsome. To continue the echo in here, which posts are going to be read? Please do share with the class.

Having sent this post on to The Husband, I expect to find a newly purchased bag of Oreos and similar negotiation tactics at work in our house soon.

Also, as a Theater Major, I resemble resent your LOOK AT ME NOW! theorem. Bah, humbug.

Mama Nabi

George Kostanza is going to read one of your posts? Damn, I wish I could be there for it.
Aw... poor Metro-puppy.... happy belated birthday, pooch!
Metrobro is freaking funny... and he's single? How did that happen?
Sigh, yes, I, too, will make a fool out of myself for LN anyday... not that you singing in the rain is silly in ANY WAY. I think for LN's 3rd birthday party, I'm going to do something for HER, not something that PN's friends would enjoy... coz that's getting old. You guys had the right idea.

Jrock

MD - You never stop making me a huge fan of yours. Autism, my nephew is on the spectrum, thanks for your contribution. Being a cool dad, letting me know that being a cool dad is totally possible, when that role comes to me, reduces some of the anxiety around having a child. But right now, I just have to say thanks for this:"Now, I love my kid more than anything but the day I spend that kind of money on a birthday party. . .It ain't ever going to happen, my friends." My best friend spent thousands on his son's first birthday party. Moon bounce in the backyard and all. Why? I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I get the sense that you all are doing OK for yourselves financially, and yet you still have the sense to not spend a fortune just because everyone else does. Thanks again! Good luck with the withdrawl.

Audubon Ron

I’m hurling beets. Brag, brag, brag…

Prufrock

You're just a regular guy and not a writer? Dude, you're one of the best writers out there. Congrats on the CAN thing. How cool is that?

Molly B.

Just scanning through quickly, only read the part by your brother -

am not Asian, but OMG. I'm laughing harder than I have in aeons. He's a guy you could drink with.

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