CHAOS THEORY: Labor Day '07

Hello! 

Or as they like to say in Texas, Hola! 

Please excuse my extended absence, friends. I've been in cowboy country for the past week visiting the in-laws.  Not only did I have limited internet access but I was also extremely busy trying to confuse all the natives by moseying up to them at Wal-Mart and speaking in a fake Texas drawl, "Howdy, pardner! Y'all know where a cowboy can get his hands on some couscous around these here parts?"

Needless to say, there aren't too many 6' Asian-American men wearing madras shorts, slip-on sneakers, and Prada sunglasses in North Dallas these days.  Camouflage and hunting vests seem to be le mode de rigeur this season. 

On the plus side, I love going to Texas if only for the reason that every time I'm there, I feel like a manorexic.  Ease up on those Triple Angus bacon cheeseburgers, Texas! I tell you this because I love you (and because apparently nobody else will.)

Anyway, not much time for a real post today but here are a few quick thoughts I have to share with you...

EMPTY THREATS

When it comes to parenting, I continue to surprise myself with how incredibly patient I am with the Peanut.  In my pre-parenthood days, patience was not one of my strong suits. Not only do I rarely ever blow my stack with the Peanut but I also find that I spend a good deal of time just trying to reason with her.

Now, this is far from a foolproof system. As anyone with a young child knows, reasoning with a toddler can be an exercise in futility. So lately, when the Peanut and I are battling it out head-to-head, I've started resorting to threats.  Eat your vegetables or no dessert!  Go to bed right now or we'll never go swimming again! Put your toys away or Elmo gets two bullets to the head!

Sadly, my threats are proving to be completely empty. It seems that the Peanut is a tough-ass negotiator who continues to call my bluff every single time. 

Sometimes, I feel like Jennifer Aniston telling Brad Pitt, "If you don't spend more time with me, I'm leaving you" and having no idea that Angelina Jolie was waiting in the wings.

SHUT YER KID UP FER CHRISSAKE!

For any of my fellow passengers traveling round-trip from NYC to Dallas over the past week who had to listen to the non-stop screaming and incessant wailing of a fussy toddler during the entire flight, I'd like to say one thing to all of you...

THAT WASN'T MY KID!!!

Boo yah!  After almost three years of flying around the globe, the Peanut seems to be getting the hang of this flying thing. Heck, I didn't have to drug her up or anything!  For both legs of the journey, the Peanut was the picture of perfection.  Despite long waits on the runway, delayed departures, and surly flight attendants, the Peanut proved to be a varsity traveler.

I just jinxed myself, didn't I?  Dammit!

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW!

As regular readers know, I like to joke around about the luxuriant head of hair that has been the envy of men and women around the world for my entire life. However, I've never mentioned that, when I was in my late 20's, I realized that my gravy days were numbered. The once-bustling downtown of my abundantly populated scalp was slowly becoming a wasteland of burned-out storefronts and boarded windows as the occupants moved to the outlying suburbs of my ears, nose, and neck. What the fuck?

I immediately went to see some of the top dermatologists in Manhattan. Since I hadn't lost enough hair, I wasn't a good candidate for all the new cutting-edge hair transplant procedures. So instead, my doctors put me on a combination of Rogaine and Propecia.  Lo and behold, the hair cocktail worked and my luxuriant hair began regrowing like ragweed!

However, BossLady and I are contemplating L'Enfant Part Deux these days. We're thinking of "trying" in a month or so. As a prerequisite for Operation Impregnation, I've stopped taking my hair medicine. Now? I'm terrified that all my hair is going to start falling out and I'll be bald in a few months.

This is a sobering thought for any middle-aged man.  For us, hair is all we've got.  We don't wear makeup to make us look younger and we don't change our clothing style to enhance our appearance. Once the hair goes, that's it. 

Sure, women will tell you that bald guys are sexy.  But they also claim that size doesn't matter.  Well, I can assure you, my friends, that there are very few supermodels out there looking for a bald guy with a tiny dick. 

Unless, of course, he has coke and is named Barry Diller.

HAIRIER TALES OF SHOCK AND AWE

Facial hair and I tend to have a love-hate relationship. I generally look better without it but, every once in awhile when I'm traveling, I'll let my facial hair grow out.  Last time I did this was a year ago and BossLady noticed a few gray whiskers emerging. 

This past week, I grew it out again and you know what?  I'd say more than half my facial hair was fully gray!  What the fuck?  This has completely messed me up.  Now I have to grow out my pubes to see whether they've turned gray too!

Just kidding, people. I don't shave my pubes.  Not because I'm not curious but because, as a general rule, I don't allow anything sharper than a cotton ball to come near my genitalia.  I don't even read books naked because I'm terrified of a paper cut.  No future vasectomies for me, thank you!

Too much information?  Sorry. Let's move on. 

MORE MIDDLE-AGED NONSENSE

While flipping through magazines at the airport, I came across the BillBoard Hot 100 chart and realized I didn't recognize half the names on it.  Who the fuck is Sean Kingston (#1)?  Who are the Plain White T's (#4)?  What the heck is a Soulja Boy (#11)?  Man, the only new music I'm looking forward to are the new albums being released by Bruce Springsteen and Kanye West. Am I getting old or does most new music just plain suck?

There was a time when I looked for advice and direction in the lyrics of my favorite rock songs but music now seems less about deep personal statements and more about simple entertainment. What does it say when bands like Fall Out Boy choose to first release their songs via a Verizon commercial? 

Look, I get the fact that one generation's hardcore is the next generation's Muzak.  And maybe I'm just a fuddy old man but dammit they just don't make music like they used to (of course, that's what my dad used to say about Perry Como!)

That being said, anyone got any good new music for me?  Every time I've asked, you guys have turned me on to some great stuff.  As my girl Pat Benatar used to say, "Fire away!"

BOOK GEEK 101:  THE COMING FALL SEASON

I understand that, for many Americans, the greatest thing about the coming fall season is the return of NFL football. Now, don't get me wrong. I know my football as well as the next guy and I can talk shit about it better than most.  You want to discuss the intricacies of Cover 2, the zone blitz, the 3-3-5 Stack Defense, or the Parcells 3-4 variation of the nickel package?  I can whip out a cocktail napkin and draw them all out for you.

However, honestly speaking, I'm actually much more excited about the fact that this Fall heralds the arrival of new books by Junot Diaz, Denis Johnson, and Phillip Roth. I've been waiting years for Messrs. Diaz and Johnson to publish something new.  Throw in the fact that this will be the final chapter of Roth's Zuckerman trilogy and I'm just about as giddy as a little school girl.  Seriously, I feel like a little kid the week before Christmas!  Does anyone else besides me appreciate the sheer awesomeness of all this?   

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Anyway, because some of you have asked, here's what I'm reading these days:

The Yiddish Policemen's Union: Michael Chabon

Songbook: Nick Hornby

The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explain Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Fatherhood, and Freedom: Various authors

SALAD IS MURDER!

As some of you know, I've been an HMO's worst nightmare lately.  Ever since I was hospitalized with chest pains, I've had my own personal team of world-class physicians from Mt. Sinal trying to figure out exactly what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm on a bad episode of House, MD.

Thankfully, after a million dollars worth of tests, the doctors have almost definitively ruled out anything cardiac-related.  Right now, they're leaning towards a diagnosis of a rare virus picked up from one of my world-wide travels or an equally rare pancreatic disease. Of course, that's just this week's diagnosis.  Next week, it could be something completely different. 

One strange complication in their diagnosis is that I seem to have suddenly developed high levels of cholesterol and an off-the-charts level of triglycerides. I have a fairly healthy diet so the doctors are chalking this up to genetic predisposition and have prescribed statins for me to take on a regular basis.

As part of a personal experiment, I've also decided to modify my diet for the next few months.  I'm eating a shitload of salad and I'm trying to get all my protein from only chicken and fish. 

The only problem is that whenever I'm eating chicken and fish, I keep thinking about that hilarious quote from Dave Attell: "What's the best thing to eat? Chicken and fish. I'm thinking, why not combine the two: penguin. A penguin's a little bit of both, isn't he? He's a bird, yet he swims, he's a buffet of good health!"

Anyone know where I can get some penguin sushi?  Hook a brother up!

GOOGLE ANALYTICS AND TODDLERS

Type the search phrase "how to handle a toddler" and Google will yield over 1.8 million matches. 

Interestingly enough, "how to sell your toddler" yields 5.1 million matches while the phrase "oh lord just kill me now" has 53.4 million matches.

Just thought you'd find that interesting. 

What's up with all of you?  How did you spend your Labor Day weekend? 
 

Comments

[shawn]

Regarding Dallas, I quote the great Hank Hill. "I don't want you going to Dallas at all. There ain't nothing there but crackheads and debutantes. And half of them play for the Cowboys."

[Henitsirk]

New music? Can't help you. I stopped listening to anything new way back in '93 or so. And since I don't watch TV either, a whole generation of advertising has no apparent effect on me. That Movado billboard on the northbound Henry Hudson Parkway? I had to Google it to discover the slightly hunky dude is Derek Jeter.

[Harry]

I see you've discovered the Golden Rule of Parenting: Never make a threat you're not willing to follow through on. It may seem trivial now when she's a toddler, but by the time she's a teenager your credibility will be shot.

I spent my weekend driving from the island you visited this summer to New Jersey as we move there to the NYC suburbs. 4 days on the open road with a u-haul trailer, a dog, two cats and my 14 y.o. son. Now I'm drinking.

[Peter]

manorexic has been added to my vocabulary. But seriously you have to try shaved pubs. was scary the first time but now it's a habit. I feel like a porn star and the wife loves it. Local DC radio morning jock Elliot was talking about laser hair removal though can't imagine that near my cajones.

As for Music top 40 sucks (but that's my humble opinion):

Rush - Snakes and Arrows (their best)
Porcupine Tree - Fear of a Blank Planet
Spock's Beard - Octane

I would also check the local music scenes of major metro areas there are some gems out there.

In DC there are bands like:

Fighting Gravity, Stella Mira, No Second Troy, Laughting Colors, Honor By August, Emmet Swimming...and The Mesmers (shameless plug since I'm the drummer! :-) ) anyway best to you, the bosslady and peanut.

[Stella]

I just started the Denis Johnson book this weekend. So far, it's amazing. Have you read it yet? You'll love it.

[Glennia]

Greetings from Austin, where we're visiting the family and JUST got back from Cabela's, which is like the world's largest bait shop & camo store. My kid got lost in the bulk ammo section and they nearly had to issue an Amber Alert to find him inside the store. You have to love a store with catfish in the aquarium and a stuffed polar bear. It rocked!

[Ute]

Okay, not that you need any more comments... you do have 56 of 'em already... but here is one more. I stumbled here today, and I'm so going to be back. If only to find out if "trying" for L'enfant numero deux is working out for you or if you are going to fall into a depression due to a) lack of sleep "honey, it's that time... we need to have sex NOW" or b) hair loss.

Greetz from PDX.

[Jeremy K.]

I'd love to see you in Cowboy Country. What a great idea for a new sitcom!

[Henri]

I'd recommend Sean Kingston, The Plain White T's, and Soulja Boy.

Dude seriously you haven't heard the Plain White T's? I wake up screaming from their godawful song resonating through my head from the 10000 times I hear it each day. They suck.

Music really isn't what it used to be. I've gone back to relistening to stuff I listened to as a kid but with a new perspective. Lately a TON of Joy Division. Oh Kings of Leon I do listen to Kings of Leon.

[Shannon Best]

We're in Austin. We'll hook ya up Austin style. Com eon back pardner. No camo vests here. Maybe a little armpit hair, mohawks and sweat.
Here are some bands out of Austin to keep you occupied:
PONG
Dynah
Secret Weapons
Lions
Yuppy Pricks
And have you checked out Leslie and the Lys?

[Chris]

Good to see mention of you in the Chicago Tribune Q section this past Sunday. Have enjoyed your blog for years!

[SeaBird]

Re: Google analytics and toddlers.... Ha! And those are strangely all connected....

[Hilary]

Just discovered your site via the Chicago Tribune and have spent the past 3 hours reading all your archives. Loved it! Hilarious and touching and smart. I'll be back again soon!

[tpfeiffer]

MetroDad, I've been lurking on your page for several months now and have not laughed out loud at my desk the way I just did. You are fucking hilarious. keep it up and i'll need to shut my door at work.

[Audubon Ron]

Funny stuff dude.

Listen, the health shit.

One day this little fairy-fucking age princess waves her fairy-fucking wand at you and the next thing you know your ass and your hair line are in a race to see who gets to your heels first. Don’t overdo the carrots; you want Angus cow-flesh or burger, go for it, and growl a little when you bite into it. It tastes better that way.

If you see that fairy-fucking bitch, you tell her I've got NO MERCY! I’m taking her nymph-stick and turning her into a pixie kabob. She’s go’in down. Nobody ruins my girlish figure and lives to tell about it.

[Jennifer]

You gotta try the band "The Shines" I adore them! Not your over the radio kind of stuff but still good!

[Jennifer]

I suck: the band is "The Shins"

[MetroBro]

I'm a little bit late with this, but here are my two favorite recent albums, apart from Common and Kanye, who don't need my help promoting them:

- Mudville, Iris Nova. Haunting, downtempo mood music -- think Portishead, Morcheeba, Sade, think electronica mixed with jazz-rock fusion sprinkled with classic R&B and a little dash of hip hop. Go to mudvillemusic dot com. Full disclosure: I'm friends with the band. But after you hear them, you'll feel like you are too.

- Blu & Exile, Below the Heavens. An MC (Blu) and producer (Exile) duo from LA. Hip hop for prematurely old people who sit around grousing, "Why don't these damn kids make music like [Pete Rock & CL Smooth/Native Tongues/early Nas & Common] anymore??" These kids do. Smooth, warm, soulful tunes with thoughtful rhymes and head-nodding beats.

[Dipti]

first time here and really enjoyed the visit. About the cholesterol, I happen to remember a friend telling me that a certain type of pancreatitis leads to high cholesterol levels .

[watch friends online]

this is too good.

watch friends online

[Prevent hair loss]

will take the round-about way and just refuse to discuss the stories that the "writers" inexplicably find fascinating and worthy of consuming the entire show.

[Caco]

kuya ederic: hindi na po ako uiomnim, nagbabagong buhay na po ako*toinks*, nakakasira kasi sa pag-inom ang pag-aaral eh, kaya aantayin ko munang grumadweyt ako. HAHA! hehe, di po, naghahanap lang po ako ng masisisi kung bakit ako nagpagupit. haha! ^____^Mon-ser-y mate Jen novia: aba lam nyo naman, nagtitipid na bagong buhay na talaga! koneksyon? *kamot ulo* ay ay! di pa pala nakikita ni novia ang aking pagtitipid! you'll be proud! magkakaroon ka na ng noviang taong grasa! muntik na nga ako magpa vote-buy kay eron eh! mahal ko lang talaga si mare! haha!