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August 13, 2007

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Susan

To the idiot driver on I-95 this morning: I drive a minivan with a giant Baby On Board bumper sticker on the back window. Today I had 5 kids in the car with me. Did that make a difference to you? No! Like a total asshole, you cut me off on the highway, forcing me to slam my brakes hard. It scared the living bejesus out of the children. If I ever see you on the street again, I'm going to drive my minivan over your little sports car and bury you underneath!

Meagan

To my annoying friend/co-worker: I'm ignoring you because I have repeatedly told you that I was busy and you disregarded it. After I was reprimanded twice, you still weren't fazed. I want you to attend my wedding this Saturday and to be friends but you HAVE to GROW UP! And by the way, you aren't even remotely as smart as you think you are.
To my brother's new fiance: You are going to have to do a lot to impress me because thinking that my brother is a suitable husband/father is sickening. Maybe it's because he is INCREDIBLE immature or that he is ignorant... either way all I have to say is good luck!
To everyone attending my wedding: PLEASE be on time. This wedding cost us a fortune and I don't want something stupid to ruin it. Also, how about you use the registry to get our gift. I know it sounds bitchy but we have already received one thing that was beyond HIDEOUS!
To my soon-to-be mother-in-law, BLOW ME. I'm not religious, I'm a democrat and I am probably the opposite mother and wife you wanted for your perfect son. But that's because the traits I have- you don't value as highly... like HUMOR and empathy (when I'm not having to go bridezilla), and skills to listen. The relationship between you and I will be dictated by your attitude.
To my mother: quit judging me. I turned out pretty well (educated, employed, home-owner) and don't need to be criticized constantly. Also, I'm not your best-friend. Grow up and get someone your own age.

Meagan

One more thing...

To the Bush administration... I HATE YOU. While you sit around deciding whether or not to send even more troops in to Iraq to salvage some sort of legacy, my brother's life is at stake (in the army). How about the next troops sent over are all of your sons and daughters. I bet that pullout would come pretty damn quick.

p-man

To the previous commenters: Obviously I am a lot less pissed off at the universe than I thought I was. Thanks!

Dave

To the people who ask stupid questions about my daughters being adopted from China: Yes, they are "real" sisters, whether they have different mothers or not. And, while we're at it, their birth mother is not their "real" mother. And yes, Ass, they do speak English, since they were adopted as baby's. And no, goddamnit, I am not "a nice person" for having adopted them, and they are not "lucky" to have been adopted, that is just what fate had in store for them. They owe their mother and I no more gratitude than your hapless kids owe you. Sorry, I know you mean well, but please think about this stupid stuff before you come out with it in front of my kids.

Lillian

To my daughter's playgroup: Mother one, no, I am not vegan, and although I do recycle, my shoes are not handsewn recycled hemp and I do not grow my own heirloom veggies. Mother 2, I am not a yoga guru like you, but I'm only moderately out of shape, and it doesn't make me a bad person. Mother 3, I am a poor white single mom, so no, I do not have all those things which you cherish, like time, money, or cable tv, and I swear to gawd there are more topics of conversation than that. To the genreal playgroup - I wore that navy blue and silver evening cocktail hat at 10:30 AM because I just finished it 5 minutes before we left, and I thought it was fun. It's not an affectation, I didn't buy it, I MADE it and it was neat. Fuck all of you smug nasty smalltown ubermoms, I'm not sharing any of my Burning Man stories with you, nor can you see my tattoos.

Brina

To Krispy Kreme: Can you please stop making your donuts so damn delicious and irresistable? My ass is going to need its own area code soon.

Rob

To the ignorant coworker at the office,

When I said I was born in New York, there is no such thing as a town in China called "New York."

To the other ignorant coworker at the office,

Just because you visited Taiwan and know someone there with the same last name as me, doesn't mean I'm related or even know him.

birdgal

To Karl Rove: good riddance to overweight, balding rubbish. I just wish 'resignation' meant '30 years in the slammer'.

To My Dad: climate change is NOT a hoax and stop sending me factually flawed emails trying to 'prove' it is.

Thanks!!

Andrea

wow-where do I start?! First of all, if you visit DC and use the Metro subway system escalators: Stand on the right, walk on the left. Don't you and your fat families in shorts and sneakers block the way for the rest of us trying to get to work. You will get yelled at and pushed out of the way.
To my brother, your are raising your son to be just like you: so hyper-sensative, and displaying the same no accountability that you were always able to get away with from our Mom. Give your kids a hug and kiss sometimes too, wouldya? You don't always have to fall all over your wife and ignore your kids, do you? One more thing, the reason that we don't come to visit anymore is that we came up to spend time with family, not to be babysitters for your kids while you and your wife go for a bike ride. get real! I've never seen parents who are so willing to pawn their kids off on other people. You had your oldest at 23, you weren't that young and you didn't miss out on that much. Get over it. And don't begrudge me my health, I didn't make you get Type 1 diabetes in your 20s. Quit guzzling beer and I'm sure that your sugar levels will even out!!
To my townhouse neighbors, MOW YOUR F%&*^ lawns. Seriously, you are men and homeowners. Grow some balls. My husband and I are not your personal lawn care service.
To my daycare lady, I love you, you are a part of our lives and you take wonderful care of my kids...but what went wrong with your own kids? I have never met such foul-mouthed, disrespectful kids in my life. You need to respect yourself and quit doing so much for them (an 11 year old can make his own sandwich!) while they scream obscenities at you. F--that! Give them a week with me, I'll fix their little wagons.
To all of the drivers on I95-S, I live here, you are just passing through. Get the hell over and let people merge into the traffic. Don't block my entry and blithely ignore my front fender and then my finger while you chat away merrily like a moron on your handheld cell phone. It's call a blue tooth, get one. I hope that you get pulled over for driving in DC with that thing on--You'll get the ticket that you so richly deserve.
And to all of those F*&# wads who felt bad for me while I was a single mom and then were jealous of me when I got married to a wonderful man. Haha, screw you. Good things do happen to good people.
Whew, I do feel better, but now that the flood gates have been opened, it feels like so much more could be said. Thanks MD, didn't even know that I had so much bottled up inside!!

dissappointed

To the uptight visitors at the Modernist exhibit in Washington DC. Please forgive me for wanting to see an exhibit with my wife and little one. Its called a child, a two month old, you've never seen one? He is not an alien, so get that disqusted look off your face... I'm sorry you don't have the joy of experiencing one yourself! And if you do, I hope you dont treat them with the same attitude that you treated my son with. As I walked him out of the exhibit,somone commented, "I don't think he's ready for Modernism!" ...nice. Thanks alot.

Henri

Shit that was you on the subway? Sorry bro, I was in a bad mood about my man boobs.

Henri

Shit that was you on the subway? Sorry bro, I was in a bad mood about my man boobs.

Henri

Hey that wasn't me posting twice...I hit the back button too soon. Sorry...still distracted by the manboobs thing.

ifire

To the asshole that I refuse to call my uncle anymore,

How the fucking hell could you chuck your 78-years-old mother out of the house? Your own mother, who gave you your own apartment 30 years ago, who took care of your two kids for 30 years when you had to work? You robbed her of her money. You allow her a bed space in your home but treated her like a prisoner. Now that you don't need her to take care of your kids, and she has no money left for you to take, so you throw her out, in the middle of the night too?? She may have done wrong, she may not be pleasant, but SHE IS YOUR MOTHER! SHE IS FUCKING 78-YEARS-OLD!

You and that wife of yours, who said "Excellent, excellent!" when my mom said we are packing Grandma's stuff, you wouldn't even look at her when we left. "Treat others the way you wish to be treated." Have you ever heard of that? Your karma will turn back on you. I look forward to the day your own son turn his back on you, and you would not have anyone to ask for help. You are not our family.

Thanks MetroDad.

Henri

Oh sorry my bad, I'm having a retarded morning. Here's mine:

To Metrodad,

Who forgot the first rule of Fight Club. You do not talk about Fight Club.

JD

To my upstairs neighbors: Have you no respect for those of us that live below you? Both of you clunk around your apartment at 3:00 am so noisily that it wakes up my daughter every night. Are you fucking wearing work boots and operating heavy machinery? I've politely spoke to you about it 3 times. Next time, I'm calling the cops. A-holes!

Leora

I was going to rant about one of my relatives but then I read ifire's comment. Wow, that is just a terrible story, ifire. Your uncle clearly bought himself a one-way ticket to hell. I'm with you. Karma will come around.

twizzle

To the ugly, stinking, pit-bull toting, facial-tattoo-sporting gutterpunks who panhandle on Telegraph Avenue:

Get the fuck out of my way when I am walking down the street. I will not give you any money because you are white, able-bodied young people who have chosen to squander your lives because you're too lame and stupid to deal with your dysfunctional family issues in a constructive way. You are the filthiest of the filthy and I wish you'd just dry up and blow away like a crusty, old turd.

jeanie

To the women who work in my office: I know this is an environmental engineering company and you like to conserve water, but please fucking wash your hands after you use the restroom. I know you dip your hands right into the candy bowl at the receptionist's desk on your way back to your own desk.

To the website police aka computer guys of my company: STOP BLOCKING ALL THE WEBSITES I CHECK EVERYDAY!!! I'm running out of things to do when I'm bored out of my mind!

Nick

To the dude who lives on the other side of my duplex: Quit being a prick. You can do some of the yard work and snow shoveling as well. Also, get your washing machine fixed. It sounds like you're working on a tank in the basement. If you don't wanna get it fixed, at least stop washing your clothes at 5am. The fucking floor shakes. If you continue, I'll start drumming at 2am or blast the loudest, most foul death metal I own until you stop.

Arlene

To my husband...would it fucking kill you to hang out with the kids on the weekends instead of playing golf/softball all the time with your idiot college friends? You're missing out on a lot of fun and you're going to regret these lost years. Plus I could use a fucking break every once in awhile.

julie

Not all of us who are not able to have the gift of a child or choose not to have them fail to understand the love you can have for your child. I would trade the world to have a child of my own, but I can't. And I understand that she is the most important thing in your life, I love reading your stories about her and your life as a result of her

Ken

To the Asian women who are always outside on a smoke break, stop calling me a sellout under your breath when you see me and my girlfriend who happens to be white.

It's the epitome of irony.

B

to the 60 lbs of fat gained during pregnancy: feel free to leave the rest of me alone, preferably now.

the weirdgirl

To the Dove Chocolate employees who write those "inspirational" messages on the inside of the wrappers, the chocolate that I'm scarfing down because of cramps and PMS, FUCK YOU! Fuck you and your stupid chirpy messages. Anyone who has ever had cramps should know better than to write distracting, fake-happy shit near or on chocolate. Just give me the candy and get the fuck out of the way.

And to psycho playgroup mom who won't visit my house now for playdates because it's bigger than hers, on a better street, and she's so competitive she can't stand it... nyah nyah nyah!

gar

Longtime lurker & first time commenter here... just wanted to give you props for your restraint.

I probably would clocked Mr. Racist right in front of his daughter as a object lesson to his kid that calling people "chinks" isn't exactly polite conversation between strangers.

Jenny

"In the end, I kept coming back to that brilliant Denis Leary quote, "Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list."

That's a great quote, but two things:

1) where'd you hear it from

2) He did use a lot of Bill Hick's material (especially when addressing smoking in No cure for Cancer) So I dunno if he's the best guy around

Kyong

To the guy who awkwardly pinched my (face) cheek at the end of our date vs. giving me a hug or a kiss like a normal guy would do: WTF?? You're gay -- come out of the closet!

Wayne

To the security guard who threatened to escort my wife out of the mall when she wouldn't breastfeed our 4-month-old in a bathroom stall: how about I drag your ass to the food court, order you up a nice Blimpies sub, drag you and the sub to the men's room, and watch you eat it off the toilet lid?

Tommy

Bad day MD? LOL I spent a year in Korea as a member of the U.S. Air Force (Osan AFB) and one weekend a couple of my buddies ate nothing but kimchi chased with soju. Even the housekeepers commented on the smell permeating the hallway. It was hellacious!

To my STBX wife: you left me and the boys. Yes, we were both at fault, but they still fucking need you in their lives. A little monetary support would be nice and stop demanding that they do chores on your fucking schedule at OUR fucking house! You don't fucking live here anymore and I'm happy with the chores they do and the schedule they do them on, so get more involved or butt the fuck out.
To You: I have and will always love you. I'm happy he makes you so happy and as much as it kills me, I release you from your promise.
To Mom and Dad: I put up with your racist bullshit for years. I have done my DAMNEDEST to shield my sons from that kind of cro-magnon vitriol. STOP WITH THE RACIST COMMENTS AND ATTITUDES IN FRONT OF THEM! If you can't, I can make sure you never see them again, and I will.
Thanks MD. Now pass the kleenex.

KrisT

To my step mother: Two things, one, just because we are lucky enough to make enough money for me to stay home and take care of our house and home, even though we will never have children, trust me I have plenty to do and you needn't "worry about my lack of direction." This was a decision my husband and I made together and why you have suddenly decided to give me unwanted "advice" when you never have before boggles my mind.

Two, if you generalize that "everyone who lives in Las Vegas has either a drinking or gambling problem" one more time, I'm going to choke your scrawny ass. We Don't! we're just living here trying to make a living.

To the grown adults who stare at me in the grocery store:

It's cerebral palsy people! I just walk differently. My brain works fine. You needn't talk to me as if I have the mental ability of a rotting kumquat. I am a college educated, intelligent, funny, caring person...treat me as one please.

Oh and didnt your parents tell you it's rude to stare? Children, I understand, they haven't been properly taught. Staring adults, you are just assholes.

Whew, I feel better. Thanks MD!

landismom

Dear Aging Hippies:

Yes, I know that you think you comprise the only peace activists in a major American city. Yes, I know you think that if you just "do outreach," then of course all the people of color and low-income folks will come to your rally.

You are all idiots. Try talking to a working person about what THEY care about for a change, instead of insisting that they adopt your fifteen-point agenda. You might even learn something.

And if you ever again in my presence suggest calling Greenpeace to bring their boat to a rally, I will become all un-pacifist-like on you ass.

Sincerely,
landismom

Fiona

This might seem trivial especially after all the real drama in people's lives but-

To certain freakish Harry Potter cult fanatics: Yes, I fucking hate that crap and the one who crapped it out, so kindly fucking STOP trying to convert me! Thank you.

To my hubby: You know I love you but I don't take kindly to my sleep being messed with. Please cease and desist from hitting the bed with your foot in the middle of the night. It jars me the fuck awake and then I have to struggle to get back to sleep!

Kevin

It's just not your day. Here's hoping things go better tomorrow.

KG

OK, here goes:

To the traffic on I-95: I know you're only going to get worse as more people populate the East Coast and thus, more people drive here, but, please, GO AWAY!

To I-95: Please expand a few more lanes to accommodate the ever-increasing traffic.

To everyone who drives on I-95: Please consider getting EZ Pass! It saves time, money, and even cuts down on traffic.

To the "bad" drivers on I-95: Better shape up, people. We saw 10 State Troopers who had pulled over 10 cars, 3 multiple-car collisions with ambulances racing towards them, 5 flat tires being changed by owners, and 4 tow trucks picking up cars --- all within 6 hours of driving! Let's be careful out there.

Diesel

Great post. Very funny, and dead-on.

Tawnya

Hope you have a better day tomorrow, MD...

Here's mine:
Dear rush-hour subway commuters: Please do not ignore the woman on her knees on the subway floor. Not looking at me doesn't mean I'm not there. It's called morning sickness and it's hell. A kind word and a seat would be much better than ignorning me and hoping I disappear. Even better than a seat? If you would either bathe in the morning or stop wearing enough perfume for 20 people while crammed in an enclosed space, perhaps those of us who are a little more sensitive to smells wouldn't be gagging on the subway floor, would they?
On a happier note:
To my lovely munchkin,
Even when your unborn sibling is making me so sick I could curl up in the fetal position and not move for days, you always have a big smile and a hug for me. Thank you for making each day a little brighter than the last.

LeeMarvin

WOW, definitely hit a nerve with this one...so here goes:

To my son's coach - What an absolute LIAR you are for standing up in front of everyone and saying that, "at this age, the best kids get to play", and then playing the average kids whose dads you golf with on Sunday.

To the lunch room attendants at my son's school...I cannot believe that you actually wanted to press charges against him for taking two cookies. The kid was hungry for christ's sake. Yea, even the police officer had never heard of that one before. Bet it wouldn't have happened if he was WHITE!

God's gonna get ya for that!

To the racist fucker who told me, "I'm not a lover of black people" How do ya like me now, that I still have my job and you don't?

To my old supervisor, who didn't want me take a job working with computers because "the work may be too complicated", you are an absolute disgrace to the human race.

To the racist electrician that I had to work with, that would always send me on wild goose chases for parts and tools that he already had, and then complained to the boss that I was the reason why he wasn't getting the job done, I'm glad to see that you got what you deserved.

To ALL of the racist asswipes that I've encountered in my life and had to hold my tongue to keep my job or position...Y'all can kiss my big BLACK ASS.

Thanks Md, for the opportunity to rant!

Holmes

There are people calling themselves the "child-free movement?" I suppose I could google it, but I have blogs to read and pisses to take.

Um, to the summer doldrums. Can I have my energy and creativity back now? It seems to have been gone for the last few weeks. Thanks.

Jason

To our neighbors, who live directly behind us, both of us residents of a by-God town, not a kibbutz or collective or Amish community, but a hip surf town with boutique-y stores and gas stations and a Starbucks and a movie theater that shows "Rocky Horror" every Friday at midnight - our tweedlefuck neighbors who a few days ago bought a motherfucking ROOSTER that does what roosters do; that is to say, cock-a-fucking-doodle-doo's at the top of its everfucking lungs starting at exactly 5:30 a.m. and finishing about an hour later...your time, and Foghorn Leghorn's, is gonna come.

Olive

To my old high school friend - I don't care about your boyfriend dramas. You attract the worst guys, are stuck in a dead end job, and your hobby is to rack up credit card bills for clothes and furniture you do not need or nor can afford, yet you look down on others for wanting to get married, buy a house, and have kids, because they are living "mediocre lives?" OKAAAAY... because you are doing so much with your own pathetic life.

To my other friend - Get a life, go out on dates, get real, and stop fantasizing about the ideal man. You are 28, and you moved to the other end of the country to be in the same town as your crush. Stop denying it. You are looking for WB's Felicity experience - ain't gonna happen.

To my future husband - where are you?

Just a bit bitter now, but will get over it.

MommmyKnows

Ahh, shit! Now I feel lousy using emoticons in my emails. I'm neither a school girl nor Japanese (although either would be fine).

Why can't you cool kids clue us in a little sooner (before dorky shit becomes habit). I am sorry but the little smilie face, just lets folks know that I am happy when I say, "no effing way can you return that now, duh!" :)

See it gives a whole new meaning to the sentence, right?

It works for me!

AngryInSeattle

To my former corporate masters: Get bent. Yeah, I cashed in those options 3 days before they expired. Thanks for NOT telling me that they expire in 90 days during the exit interview, asshole.

To former co-workers who could not understand why I quit my job to start my own company: See my first comment and go back writing your annual review for your COLA.

To the creepy white guy at Green Lake looking at my kids: Why yes, I know karate. And, I am sure that you would like to meet him and his friend, 9mm.

To people who want advice:
As in life, do not look under rocks if you are afraid of dirt and bugs.

Mama Nabi

To Metrodad: Stop sucking me right back to blogging, I got work to do.

To MIL: Please don't try to buy my baby's love - she's only two so if she likes you, she likes you. If she doesn't, would it really hurt to try to get to know the kid instead of saying, "Here's a toy I bought for you. Come give me a kiss"? There's a reason why your other grandchild is a rude, gift-grubbing, spoiled young boy.

To all my neighborhood young parents who talk down to me when we first meet on the playground: I know it's hard for someone who lives in a geo-ignorant state to understand but I do speak English and, if even I did not, looking Asian isn't an indication that I am somehow hard of hearing OR even less intelligent than you - do please restrain yourself from giving me unsolicited parenting advices only using simple words loudly and slowly. It just makes you look like a dumb blond bimbo. And then don't try to set up a playdate for your verbally challenged grunter with my chatter-box so that he could maybe pick up better vocabulary from her; not after the way you treated me.

FedUp

To my supposed friend: we drifted apart years ago and have nothing in common. I am glad I finally see you for what you are and what you did to me over the years. You are a controlling, narcissistic, attention-seeking, insecure, stubborn person who doesn't understand what real friendship means if it bit you in the ass. I have had enough of your demeaning, insulting, insensitive comments, all made because you are my "friend"! I will no longer give in to your demanding ways and I won't let you control my feelings and sense of self-worth anymore! You lost my trust long ago and you will never get it back! Deal with it!

J-Dog

These were awesome, MD. Loved the post. Loved the comments. Here are mine...

To my father's healthcare provider: what the fuck DO you reimburse? I'm sick and tired of battling with you over every single damn bill. How can an ER visit not be covered? Did you expect me to call on the way over to the hospital? Assholes.

To my boss: I'm smarter and work twice as hard as anyone else in this office. No, I don't like to play golf. I don't like to go to happy hour. And I don't laugh at your jokes because they fucking suck. Passing me over for that promotion and giving it to one of "your boys" was a big mistake. I'll be starting my own company soon and I plan on taking all my clients with me. Good luck, douchebag.

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