DAYTIME NAP, ALMOST 3 YEARS OLD, DIES
After a successful 34-month reign, a young Manhattan girl's daily nap ritual officially passed away on August 22, 2007. Although the official medical report has yet to be released, it appears that there were no early indications of the passing of the nap. The young girl's parents believe the cause of death was premature maturation and advanced toddler masochism.
In lieu of flowers, the girl's parents request that donations be made to Starbucks and GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Vivarin.
REGGAETON, 14, IS DEAD
Reggaeton, a form of gritty urban street music which became popular with Latin American (or Latino) youth during the early 1990s and spread rapidly around the country, officially died on August 17 in a 2004 Honda Odyssey minivan near Hoffman Estates, Illinois. The cause of death was Elizabeth "Muffy" Miller, a stay-at-home suburban soccer mom, who loudly rapped along with her Daddy Yankee CD all the way home from Bed, Bath & Beyond while her children were in the back seat. Reggaeton was fourteen years old.
Coincidentally, Ms. Miller is also responsible for the death of the phrase, "who let the dogs out?" This occurred in 2003, when Ms. Miller consumed two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc and sang the song publicly at the local elementary school's "karaoke night" fundraiser. The song has never been performed or heard since then.
MY DAUGHTER'S FAVORITE DOLL, 2, PASSES AWAY
My daughter's favorite doll, affectionately named "Baby," died August 15 on our couch. The cause of death was an epic struggle over "Baby" between my daughter and the dog. "Baby" was two years old.
Conceived in France but born in China, "Baby's" real name was Yang. Although her death was quick, Yang had been silently suffering for many months. The preliminary coroner's report revealed a lifetime of neglect and abuse. Her arm was dislocated in 2006 and never repaired properly. Her abdomen was known to leak on occasion. And finally, in early 2007, her vision began to suffer after the loss of her left eye. Close relatives admit that "Yang's time had come and she was now in a much better place."
Interestingly, during the course of her entire life, Yang never took a single shower or bath. Some view this as a form of political protest. Others believe it was due to the unyieldingly cruel regime and harsh conditions under which she lived.
MY DAILY BAGEL, 5, DIES
My daily bagel, aged 5, died yesterday due to dietary concerns and increased cholesterol levels.
Having served as my morning sustenance for many years, my daily bagel was executed due to his criminal relationships with cream cheese and smoked salmon. Under the watchful eye of physicians from Mt. Sinal hospital, my daily bagel made his last public appearance on August 22.
Despite being a little flaky at times, my daily bagel was considered a positive roll model for millions. My daily bagel is survived by his wife Bialy and two children, John Dough and Jane Dough.
FATHER'S PATIENCE, 3, DIES IN MANHATTAN
Having survived a torrent of toddler tantrums, a father's patience quietly passed away this week. The cause of death was last night's dinner.
Given the choice between mac-and-cheese or chicken tenders, the father's daughter communicated her preference for chicken tenders. Immediately upon seeing said chicken tenders, the father's daughter repeatedly screamed "No! I want mac-and-cheese!" The toddler's father, in a humiliating act of contrition due to a long day at the office, ignorantly decided that peace and quiet were of paramount importance that evening and duly cooked up a plate of macaroni-and-cheese. When proffered the mac-and-cheese,the toddler then proceeded to cry in the whiniest voice known to mankind, "I don't want mac-and-cheese. I want donuts!"
It was at that precise moment that Father's Patience suddenly died. There were no survivors.
WHITE APPROPRIATION OF BLACK CULTURE, 82, DIES
White People's Appropriation of Black Culture officially died August 22 on the set of America's Got Talent in Los Angeles. It was 82 years old. The cause of death was host Jerry Springer beatboxing before a national audience, calling UB40's "Red, Red Wine" the greatest reggae song of all-time, and then bumping fists with a contestant.
Although White Appropriation of Black Culture has a long and storied past, it had previously been able to survive repeated attacks by Vanilla Ice, Elvis Presley, Eminem, and my annoying 15-year-old white neighbor in Tribeca who has dreadlocks, wears his jeans below his ass and thinks he's from the 'hood. However, upon seeing Jerry Springer's performance on national television, white people from around the world unanimously made the decision to instantly execute the White Appropriation of Black Culture.
White Appropriation of Black Culture is survived by Chinese Tattoos on Sorority Chicks, Naming Sports Teams After Native American Stereotypes, and Corporate Mascots on TV Speaking with Funny Mexican Accents.