MetroDad

An Open Letter to Celebrity Offspring!

What's up, Little Supastar!

Wow, what a year it's been!  Remind your assistant to send some flowers to the PR flacks over at ICM. They've been worth every penny. From that US Magazine cover story on your birth to the paparazzi stalking of your first birthday party, you've gotten almost as much coverage as Paris Hilton in prison!

Let's face it kiddo, you've got it made.  While from the outside, being a celebrity's child may seem like a nonstop whirlwind of gorgeous people, fabulous clothes, sparkling parties and spectacular homes, the reality is exactly that. People would KILL to have the life you were born into!

Besides, nobody on earth has a mommy and daddy like yours. They couldn't be happier now that you've joined their little "entourage." In fact, one of the first things that Daddy did after you were born was get your name tattooed on his bicep. And how cool is it to hear Mommy sing "I'm a Slave 4 U" as a lullaby?  She's also working on "Rock-a-Bye, Baby." Rumor has it that Timbaland is going to produce it for her next album!

On a material level, life is damn good.  You're Hollywood Royalty and you've got the perks to prove it.  How many other little kids get their own full-time staff, a separate wing of the house, and 24-hour room service?  In fact, GQ Magazine recently reported that you're the only baby in the world with a stuffed panda, a live panda, and a bodyguard named Panda!

But hey, let's face it, kiddo. Life ain't all Bugaboos, bling and Balenciagas.  There are some drawbacks to being you. Look out the window. See those fat virgins camped out in their Hyundais?  See those other creeps digging in your trash can?  Those scumbags are called paparazzi. Mommy and Daddy hate them. But they can get $100,000 just for a photo of you.  Try not to give them the finger or throw rocks at them.  It never does any good. If you don't believe me, ask daddy's drinking buddy, Sean Penn. 

Everyone will want a piece of you, kid. Rolling Stone wants you to pose for the cover with Apple, Lourdes, and Zahara. Proactiv wants you to do a baby-acne commercial. And Tom Cruise wants you to accompany him for two years, from 2031 to 2033. Just as a "friend." He'll make it worth your while. Just sign here:

So it's going to be a wonderful life, baby. But you're going to need a few morsels of advice.

1. Don't change your name.
Most civilians have normal names like Jessica, Justin, or Zoe.  You, of course, have a weird name.  However, in this day and age, having an unusual name is what marks you as a famed member of the Lucky Sperm Club.  Sure, you'll want to change it some day. Just remember that things could be much worse.  If you don't believe me go ask Apple Martin, Brooklyn Beckham, or Dweezil Zappa!

2. Choose your role models carefully.
When I was growing up, we didn't know if our favorite celebrities even HAD kids.  Now, we know EVERYTHING about the offspring of our favorite stars.  Heck, there are even several websites documenting all of you.  This is new and uncharted territory.  For guidance, take a look at Michael Douglas, Angelina Jolie, Liv Tyler, Kate Hudson, and Kiefer Sutherland.  However, for every one of them, there's a cautionary tale like Lisa Marie, Tori Spelling, or Jack Osbourne. The last thing you want to do is end up joining the cast of The Surreal Life (c. 2029!)

3. Don't stress out about choosing a career.
There was a time when people largely became famous because they had a special talent or a unique ability. Lionel Richie was a brilliant songwriter and performer. Rod Stewart was a genuine rockstar. The Hiltons ran some quite successful hotels. But their kids were born famous. To dazzle they had merely to exist. Which Nicole, Kimberly and Paris have done spectacularly.  So while the other kids are studying for exams and applying to college, don't sweat it.  You were born to be a star, right?  At least that's what mommy and daddy keep telling you!

4. Keep one eye on the competition.
However, if you DO want to follow in mommy and daddy's footsteps, you better stop slacking and get your lazy ass out of that Bugaboo!  Sure, you're only two-years-old right now.  Recently, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's daughter announced her own TV show: Bindi, the Jungle Girl. She's eight years old. Will Smith's son, Jaden, has already starred in a major motion picture and he's only seven.  If you're going to make it big, you better pick up that guitar, have the nanny read you some scripts, and start taking more lunches with your agent!

5.  Look for innovative ways to rebel.
Eating disorders are so 80's. Drug rehab is so 90's.  If you're going to rebel from this whole celebrity scene, may we suggest some more creative ways?  Turn the tables on everything.  Normalcy is the new freakiness.  Get a job as a life insurance agent. Sell aluminum siding. Become a teacher or a high-school guidance counselor. Go to theology school.  Believe me.  A civilian life is the ultimate form of rebellion and will drive your parents completely insane! 

Good luck, kiddo. We're rooting for you.  And we'll definitely be keeping an eye on you (just not from the garbage can—we promise.)

Sincerely,
MetroDad

P.S. Did you see Sean Preston's new Escalade?  That is SO pimp!  The kid ain't even two yet and he's got the freshest ride in town.  I think it's about time you asked Mommy and Daddy about that new Maserati they promised you last week.  Check it, kid!  That's how YOU roll, baby!

Back In The Big Apple

BossLady and I had a fantastic time in the Pacific Northwest. What's not to like?  Clean air, beautiful scenery, and fantastic food.  Unfortunately, the weather is about as stable as Lindsay Lohan on a 3-day bender.  So while we did get plenty of sun, the temperature never cracked 70 and it rained practically every single day.

But really, Seattle and Orcas Island were fantastic. BossLady and I can't get over how nice everyone was.  So many people went above and beyond the call of duty to help us out, it was amazing.  Special props to my new friend Noel, the sommelier at Wild Ginger, who, after a brief conversation with me, not only went back to his office for an hour and typed out a personalized list of amazing wines he thought I would enjoy but also gave me instructions on which wine store I could find each one of them AND provided detailed driving directions from my hotel.  That shit would NEVER happen in New York!

Anyway, in exchange for your incredible kindness and warm hospitality, I now offer all of you Pacific Northwesterners my unexpurgated professional fashion advice:

(1) There's a reason that nobody designs polar fleece tuxedos or evening dresses.  As comforting as polar fleece may be, it really isn't appropriate attire for weddings or more formal gatherings. For that matter, neither are Crocs (in fact, there's really never an appropriate time to wear Crocs!)

(2) The only time a man should EVER wear a green blazer is when he has just won the Masters at Augusta.

(3) Unless you actually ARE a Hare Krishna, there's absolutely no need to dress like one.  (Apologies to the gentleman in whose coffee cup I dropped a few quarters. My bad, dude! I thought I was just being generous.)

(4) Personally, I use deodorant and wear a little cologne. You want to be different and use patchouli as a fragrance?  Cool. Be my guest. Just remember that the stuff should be used sparingly, like saffron in a fucking paella.

(5) If you're going to get a tattoo, go to a professional.  What's up with all the bad tattoos, Seattle?  Some of them were like stick-figure cartoons.  I thought maybe some pre-schoolers had opened up their own ink studio.   

(6) Corduroy should never be worn between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

(7) Men in kilts?  Wrong on so many levels.  Especially if you're not Scottish and you live in a city that has rain 360 days out of the year.  Clearly, any man who wears a kilt is beyond listening to my fashion advice.  You go, girl!

Now, I'm not saying I'm the arbiter of good taste.  However, I do work in fashion and although it's hard to believe, people actually do pay me good money for my opinions.  So let's just consider this a freebie for all your kindhearted generosity. 

Rock on, Washingtonians!

In other news...I have to say that one of the best parts of the trip was coming home to the Peanut.  BossLady and I missed her terribly while we were gone.  The hugs and kisses that we got from her upon our return almost made up for all of it.  I've had a lot of great experiences in my life but there seriously might not be a better one than having your little daughter run up to you with a huge smile on her face, jump into your arms, plant a big fat kiss on your cheek, and scream, "I love you sooo much, daddy!  I missed you!"

Speaking of fatherhood...BossLady and I attended a wedding Saturday on Orcas Island.  It was an incredibly heartfelt wedding with one of the most diverse groups of people I've ever seen congregated in one location.  I actually didn't know anyone at the wedding except for the bride.  However, on more than one occasion, I found myself completely engrossed in a totally substantive and incredibly cool conversation with several men. 

The topic?  Fatherhood.

Now, I've always believed that this generation of fathers is vastly different from previous ones.  Many of us today are more involved as parents.  We don't see parenting as a "job" or a "woman's responsibility."  We make sacrifices and juggle our lives in ways that I don't think older fathers ever did before.  And most importantly, we're more open with our emotions and we're not averse to discussing the deeply profound impact that fatherhood has had on us. 

At the wedding, I had some amazing conversations about fatherhood with men whom I had just met.  One told me about the enormous sacrifices he made to ensure that his children lived near their grandparents.  Another shared the devastating story of his wife having to terminate a pregnancy because of a rare disease that would have killed their child only days after his birth.  One man told me how he loved experiencing the beauty of the Pacific Northwest alone with his wife but that they felt something was incomplete because their kids weren't there to share the experience with them.  And the father of a four-month-old beamed about how having a child was the single greatest moment of his life. 

This fraternal bond amongst today's fathers is an amazing thing. I've become good friends online with so many of you who, on the surface, couldn't be more different than me but who share my feelings about being a father.  And more than anything else, that has proven to be the most important bond that you and I could ever share. 

Personally, I love being a father. It's become a major part of who I am as a person.  And though I may come across as a sap at times, the one thing I've come to realize about parenthood is that the only opinions in the universe that count belong to my wife and my daughter.  It's the reason I put underwear on my head to make my daughter laugh.  It's the reason I'll skip down West Broadway holding hands with her while singing cheesy show tunes.  And it's the reason my heart breaks whenever I see my daughter suffer.

So to all my fellow dads out there, happy belated father's day!  You truly are my brothers-in-arms and I couldn't be happier to know all of you. 

Gone Fishin'

BossLady and I just dropped the Peanut off with my parents for 7 whole days!

To celebrate, we're headed out to a beautiful resort and spa located in Washington's San Juan Islands.  I've booked us in a gorgeous suite overlooking the bay, chartered a private sailboat, and rented an Audi RS4 so we can motor up and down the coast.  For 7 whole days, we'll go whale watching, kayaking, hiking, and diving.  In my spare time, I plan on breaking the local record for most pinot noir consumed in one week.  I think I'm also going to see what the human threshold is for most spa services undertaken during the same time period. 

Shit, I may even get myself a mani-pedi.  You know, 'cause I'm tough like that. 

While I already miss the Peanut terribly, I can't wait to spend some quality time with my lovely and beautiful wife.  After some protracted negotiations, we've decided to start work on L'Enfant Part Deux at the end of the summer so this may be the last time we go on a solo vacation together for...oh say, the next 18-22 years!

Of course, if in 9 months, we have a newborn baby named Orcas, you'll probably know what happened. 

See you in a week, my friends!

CHAOS THEORY: Summer Edition

Thanks for all your concerned e-mails (especially from my Seoul sister Kimchi Mamas.)  I guess BossLady's comment in the last post led some of you to believe that I'd been hospitalized again.  Actually, for the past three weeks, Mt. Sinai has become my little habitrail laboratory.  I've been poked, prodded, scanned, and scrutinized by an entire phalanx of doctors.  The good news? My heart seems to be in perfect condition.  The bad news?  They don't seem to know exactly what was causing my chest pains.

Anyway, when I'm not hooked up to a treadmill like the Bionic Woman, here's what's been happening lately...

A SPIKE LEE MOMENT

Every afternoon, I take Peanut to the playground where we chase each other on the jungle gym, run through the sprinklers, and try to catch pigeons.  Naturally, the Peanut never wants to leave.  However, every night, one of the local park custodians informs everyone that the park is about to close.  That's when I turn to Peanut and say, "If The Man says we've got to go, then we got to go."

Last night, Peanut and I were walking hand-in-hand together around the neighborhood.  Suddenly, she sees a guy wearing the same sanitation outfit as the park custodian.  Immediately, she runs up to him and says, "Hey, you da MAN!"

Without missing a beat, the man looks down at the Peanut and replies, "No, YOU da man!" 

Before I know it, Peanut and the custodian are laughing hysterically, pointing at one another, and screaming, "YOU da man!" to one another.  Needless to say, the crowd of people around us on lower Broadway thought this was quite possibly the funniest thing they'd ever seen.  I'd have to concur.

I can't wait until the Peanut and I run into Radio Rahim.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT PEAS, GLOVES & THUNDER STANDING?

Recently, we went to a fundraiser for the local elementary school that the Peanut will be attending in a few years (unless of course by that time, they've managed to cut out math and science along with music and art. Don't even get me started.  My firm belief in public education is sorely getting diminished with each passing newspaper headline. I'm starting to feel like a horny monk losing faith in his religion!)

Anyway, did you know elementary school fundraisers often have live music these days?  I certainly didn't.  Do you know that they sometimes hire Elvis Costello cover bands to perform said music?  Do you know that toddlers and little kids don't like Elvis Costello?  Have I told you about my love for Elvis Costello?

Back in 1986, Elvis Costello played 5 nights at the Broadway Theater.  I saw him perform on 4 of those nights and it was one of my favorite concert experiences of all time.  Every night, he played with different musicians (Tom Waits, David Johannsen, Pen & Teller.)  It was the same tour that featured the Spectacular Spinning Songbook (a spinning wheel that would determine which songs would be played that night.)

I'd forgotten how much I used to love Elvis Costello.  So of course I immediately came home and downloaded every single album off itunes.  Naturally, I feel like I'm 17 again. If you see me anytime soon, I'll be the guy with spiked hair, a sleeveless Ramones t-shirt, and checkered Vans, pogoing with a giant-sized Sony Walkman.

Ha! Hipster Dad, indeed. 

5 THINGS I FOUND WHILE CLEANING OUT MY DESK DRAWER

1. A seemingly lifetime supply of dental floss.
2. Vitamins with an expiration date that passed 5 years ago.
3. Some "funny money" from Scores Gentlemen's Club.
4. A box filled with blank mini-discs
5. My Filofax from 1998 (which might be deserving of its own post.)

It's like a time machine in there.  I left one drawer completely untouched.  I'm hoping to look in it next week and find a Missing Persons t-shirt, some Pop Rocks, and a glo-stick! 

NON SEQUITUR RAMBLINGS OF A 2.5 YEAR-OLD

1. Peanut and I were walking the dog together this morning.  For some reason, she thought it would be fun to put the doggie bags over her hands like mittens.  Whenever she lagged behind me, I yelled out, "C'mon, Edward Poopiehands. Let's go!"  Apparently, this pissed her off because she emphatically ran up to me and said, "No, Daddy. Poop has no hands."

2. The other day, Peanut found a box of sanitary napkins.  When she asked me what they were, I told her they were "sticker hats."  Immediately I realized my mistake.  If there are two things that the Peanut loves more than anything right now, it's stickers and hats.  Thankfully she's only two, which means she has the attention span of a flea and is easily distracted by things like her thumbs.  However, a few hours later, I heard her going around to people and saying, "I want sticker hats. You have sticker hats?"  Naturally, I just kept my mouth closed. 

21 JUMP STREET FOR THE TODDLER SET

My greatest joy as a parent (thus far) has been having conversations with the Peanut.  BossLady and I LOVE talking to the Peanut.  Getting to this point feels like the moment we've been waiting for since her birth.  There's only one problem though. 

The Peanut is a freaking narc. 

Whatever I do or say somehow ALWAYS gets back to the BossLady. Ironically, Peanut never narcs on the BossLady.  Just me.  Must be some kind of female bond.  However, here are some of her most recent undercover reports back to the BossLady. 

1. "Daddy gave me donuts."
2. "Mommy crazy?"
3. "Daddy tooted on my hand."
4. "Daddy drink all my juice at the playground."
5. "I had ice cream for dinner, mommy!"

I was trying to give her a bath yesterday but she kept running away from me.  I think it's because she was wearing a wire.  Damn!  Nobody likes a snitch. 

PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY (SENT BY MD READER BRENT)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he doesn't recognize her.  So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

SUMMER READING LIST

Am I the only book geek who has make-believe friendships with some of my favorite writers?  I think I've mentioned this before but now that it's summer, I'm constantly making plans with them for various activities.  The summer calendar of my imagination is getting filled up quickly!

With Martin Amis, it's usually a few sets of tennis and cocktails at the club.  With Norman Mailer, the two of us like to go to boxing matches in Vegas.  Nora Ephron and I love having tea at The Carlyle.  Jhumpa Lahiri and I often cruise East 6th Street looking for new Indian restaurants.  Chang-Rae Lee is my Seoul brother/golf buddy.  He and I always shoot a round in Jersey and then go out for some kalbi.  Marisha Pessl is always up for a cool concert or book reading.  During the summer, I'll head out to Brooklyn to grab a few beers with Jonathan Safron Foer. Sometimes, Jonathan Franzen joins us.

The only thing in common that I always do with my imaginary writer friends is discuss what books they're reading now.

So imagine how pysched I was to see this week's NY Times Book Review asking a handful of writers what books they’ve enjoyed most over the last few months. Their choices — from best sellers to poetry collections to a philosophy of science — are idiosyncratic, instructive, and very cool.  Check out the article here.

As for me, here's my summer reading list...

Falling Man (Don DeLillo)

On Chesil Beach (Ian McEwan)

Dangerous Book for Boys (Conn Iggulden)

After Dark (Haruki Murakami)

The Yiddish Policeman's Union (Michael Chabon)

A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hosseini)

What's everybody else reading?