Thanks for all your concerned e-mails (especially from my Seoul sister Kimchi Mamas.) I guess BossLady's comment in the last post led some of you to believe that I'd been hospitalized again. Actually, for the past three weeks, Mt. Sinai has become my little habitrail laboratory. I've been poked, prodded, scanned, and scrutinized by an entire phalanx of doctors. The good news? My heart seems to be in perfect condition. The bad news? They don't seem to know exactly what was causing my chest pains.
Anyway, when I'm not hooked up to a treadmill like the Bionic Woman, here's what's been happening lately...
A SPIKE LEE MOMENT
Every afternoon, I take Peanut to the playground where we chase each
other on the jungle gym, run through the sprinklers, and try to catch
pigeons. Naturally, the Peanut never wants to leave. However, every
night, one of the local park custodians informs everyone
that the park is about to close. That's when I turn to Peanut and say,
"If The Man says we've got to go, then we got to go."
Last night, Peanut and I were walking hand-in-hand together around the neighborhood. Suddenly, she sees a guy wearing the same sanitation outfit as the park custodian. Immediately, she runs up to him and says, "Hey, you da MAN!"
Without missing a beat, the man looks down at the Peanut and replies, "No, YOU da man!"
Before I know it, Peanut and the custodian are laughing hysterically, pointing at one another, and screaming, "YOU da man!" to one another. Needless to say, the crowd of people around us on lower Broadway thought this was quite possibly the funniest thing they'd ever seen. I'd have to concur.
I can't wait until the Peanut and I run into Radio Rahim.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT PEAS, GLOVES & THUNDER STANDING?
Recently, we went to a fundraiser for the local elementary school that the Peanut will be attending in a few years (unless of course by that time, they've managed to cut out math and science along with music and art. Don't even get me started. My firm belief in public education is sorely getting diminished with each passing newspaper headline. I'm starting to feel like a horny monk losing faith in his religion!)
Anyway, did you know elementary school fundraisers often have live
music these days? I certainly didn't. Do you know that they sometimes hire Elvis Costello cover bands to perform said music? Do you know that toddlers and little kids don't like Elvis Costello? Have I told you about my love for Elvis Costello?
Back in 1986, Elvis Costello played 5 nights at the Broadway Theater. I saw him perform on 4 of those nights and it was one of my favorite concert experiences of all time. Every night, he played with different musicians (Tom Waits, David Johannsen, Pen & Teller.) It was the same tour that featured the Spectacular Spinning Songbook (a spinning wheel that would determine which songs would be played that night.)
I'd forgotten how much I used to love Elvis Costello. So of course I immediately came home and downloaded every single album off itunes. Naturally, I feel like I'm 17 again. If you see me anytime soon, I'll be the guy with spiked hair, a sleeveless Ramones t-shirt, and checkered Vans, pogoing with a giant-sized Sony Walkman.
Ha! Hipster Dad, indeed.
5 THINGS I FOUND WHILE CLEANING OUT MY DESK DRAWER
1. A seemingly lifetime supply of dental floss.
2. Vitamins with an expiration date that passed 5 years ago.
3. Some "funny money" from Scores Gentlemen's Club.
4. A box filled with blank mini-discs
5. My Filofax from 1998 (which might be deserving of its own post.)
It's like a time machine in there. I left one drawer completely untouched. I'm hoping to look in it next week and find a Missing Persons t-shirt, some Pop Rocks, and a glo-stick!
NON SEQUITUR RAMBLINGS OF A 2.5 YEAR-OLD
1. Peanut and I were walking the dog together this morning. For some reason, she thought it would be fun to put the doggie bags over her hands like mittens. Whenever she lagged behind me, I yelled out, "C'mon, Edward Poopiehands. Let's go!" Apparently, this pissed her off because she emphatically ran up to me and said, "No, Daddy. Poop has no hands."
2. The other day, Peanut found a box of sanitary napkins. When she asked me what they were, I told her they were "sticker hats." Immediately I realized my mistake. If there are two things that the Peanut loves more than anything right now, it's stickers and hats. Thankfully she's only two, which means she has the attention span of a flea and is easily distracted by things like her thumbs. However, a few hours later, I heard her going around to people and saying, "I want sticker hats. You have sticker hats?" Naturally, I just kept my mouth closed.
21 JUMP STREET FOR THE TODDLER SET
My greatest joy as a parent (thus far) has been having conversations with the Peanut. BossLady and I LOVE talking to the Peanut. Getting to this point feels like the moment we've been waiting for since her birth. There's only one problem though.
The Peanut is a freaking narc.
Whatever I do or say somehow ALWAYS gets back to the BossLady. Ironically, Peanut never narcs on the BossLady. Just me. Must be some kind of female bond. However, here are some of her most recent undercover reports back to the BossLady.
1. "Daddy gave me donuts."
2. "Mommy crazy?"
3. "Daddy tooted on my hand."
4. "Daddy drink all my juice at the playground."
5. "I had ice cream for dinner, mommy!"
I was trying to give her a bath yesterday but she kept running away from me. I think it's because she was wearing a wire. Damn! Nobody likes a snitch.
PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY (SENT BY MD READER BRENT)
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he doesn't recognize her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
SUMMER READING LIST
Am I the only book geek who has make-believe friendships with some of my
favorite writers? I think I've mentioned this before but now that it's summer, I'm constantly making plans with them
for various activities. The summer calendar of my imagination is getting filled up quickly!
With Martin Amis, it's usually a few sets of tennis and cocktails at the club. With Norman Mailer, the two of us like to go to boxing matches in Vegas. Nora Ephron and I love having tea at The Carlyle. Jhumpa Lahiri and I often cruise East 6th Street looking for new Indian restaurants. Chang-Rae Lee is my Seoul brother/golf buddy. He and I always shoot a round in Jersey and then go out for some kalbi. Marisha Pessl is always up for a cool concert or book reading. During the summer, I'll head out to Brooklyn to grab a few beers with Jonathan Safron Foer. Sometimes, Jonathan Franzen joins us.
The only thing in common that I always do with my imaginary writer
friends is discuss what books they're reading now.
So imagine how pysched I was to see this week's NY Times Book Review asking a handful of writers what books they’ve enjoyed most over the last few months. Their choices — from best sellers to poetry collections to a philosophy of science — are idiosyncratic, instructive, and very cool. Check out the article here.
As for me, here's my summer reading list...
Falling Man (Don DeLillo)
On Chesil Beach (Ian McEwan)
Dangerous Book for Boys (Conn Iggulden)
After Dark (Haruki Murakami)
The Yiddish Policeman's Union (Michael Chabon)
A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hosseini)
What's everybody else reading?
MD - thought about exploring anxiety as a cause of your chest pains? I've had several friends who started having panic attacks who had symptoms that sound like yours.
Posted by: Ivory | June 07, 2007 at 04:41 PM
I met John Edgar Wideman (favorite author of that summer) on a train. And introduced myself. We drank cheap train wine together all the way to nyc.
My summer list includes Un Lun Dun by China Mieville and something by Proust.
As for public/private and democracy...in my idealist moments I want to get involved and participate as a parent in a way that helps make public school what we want it to be, not just for our kids or my kids but for our country.
Posted by: Sisco | June 07, 2007 at 06:13 PM
Darkness at Noon by Arthur Koestler and Under the Volcano by Malcolm Lowry
Posted by: Dash_Dad | June 07, 2007 at 07:08 PM
I'm a frequent lurker...thought I'd post finally. I enjoy your outlook on life with a toddler. We have a 2 1/2 year old son who keeps us on our toes!
A Thousand Splendid Suns was a great read, in my opinion. I finished it in a day!
Posted by: Genevieve | June 07, 2007 at 11:39 PM
So much ROFL -- from "You Da MAN!" to the teacher joke. Funny. Humor. Good. Thanks, MD. :)
I'm eagerly awaiting the 1998 Filofax post --- THAT really caught my attention, for some reason.
Glad to hear your heart is OK! But now I can't get the Six-Million-Dollar-Man TV Show theme song out of my head (even though you wrote "Bionic Woman", but I don't remember her theme song).
Posted by: KG | June 08, 2007 at 02:01 AM
Hi MetroDad! I'm delurking, finally, to say how much I appreciate your humor and your kid! We don't have children and aren't planning too, but between The Peanut and Juniper, I feel I'm covered. :) I'm reading The Devil in the White City this month... the absolutely true and sometimes gruesome story of a serial killer in Chicago during the building of the World's Fair... Should I be concerned that I'm enjoying it an awful lot? Thanks for the great laughs! Looking forward to the 1998 Filofax - just thinking about what mine would contain is causing hives. :)
Posted by: Laura | June 08, 2007 at 11:17 AM
I was looking at your reading list and realized that I haven't read a book since my twins were born 14 months ago! Wow! Gotta get back into reading again (and working out and showering and rejoining the human race in general.)
Posted by: Jamie | June 08, 2007 at 02:20 PM
Really? You can toot into a hand...
I'll have to try that
Posted by: creative-type dad | June 08, 2007 at 02:59 PM
Underworld, Blood Meridian, Devil in the White City, and Chabon's latest, about the Yiddish detective in Alaska, is on deck. (If I have either the author's name or the premise of the book correctly. I am using at as a door stop right now.) And Tintin in Tibet.
Posted by: p-man | June 10, 2007 at 03:24 PM
I need to catch up on the world of reading....
I'm having a WORST Father of sorts....come check it out....even if your dad is Father of the Year!
http://www.fenicle.com
Posted by: FENICLE | June 10, 2007 at 10:01 PM
Reading? hmmm...I seem to have some vague recollection of what that is...remind me again.
Posted by: ArtFX | June 11, 2007 at 12:40 PM
Excellent post! The "You da MAN!" had me laughing out loud; you have a delightful child (which is no surprise considering what a goofball her dad appears to be!).
Books --the one book I've read lately that I gotta tout is Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides. Some friends of mine lent it to me and I just read it on vacation to San Antonio this weekend. What a fabulous book (and incidentally, Oprah just chose it as her next book club selection).
Rock on, dude!
Posted by: Fiona | June 12, 2007 at 06:22 PM
That's my new favorite joke.
And don't give up on the public schools! I can give you an earful on them, but I won't. But remember without parents like you and BossLady the public school system IS doomed. So hang in there.
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | June 12, 2007 at 08:17 PM
"You da MAN!" is priceless.
My older son recently told me he one found his little brother -- now 18 -- under the stairs with some tampons. Little Brother was sure they were some kind of candles.
I'm listening to No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy right now. He's a minimalistic wonder with language.
Posted by: kmkat | June 14, 2007 at 12:23 AM
That's definitely cute "You dad man" lol
Posted by: Tessa | June 14, 2007 at 04:24 AM
MD - This might sound silly, but I would love to know the name of the park and what time it is that it's closed up at night - I'm amazed because I live next to a playground in Brooklyn that is never closed up when it should be (and we are told the parks dept. doesn't have the staff to do so). Any info would be appreciated! Keep up the good work - and thanks the laughs.
Posted by: marnie | June 14, 2007 at 09:10 PM
Just finished On Chesil Beach. Thumbs up!
http://riverdalemama.blogspot.com/2007/06/metro-reco-on-chesil-beach.html
Posted by: metro mama | June 15, 2007 at 12:39 PM
You da man! love that
Posted by: Sophia | June 27, 2007 at 02:44 AM
time to read? email is burying me!
DVDs is where we're at. Just saw "God Spoke" by Al Franken very good
Posted by: Sophia | June 27, 2007 at 02:47 AM
Jennrc123 Posted on Already got nit memorized iabsella Marie swan and Edward Anthony masen Cullen request Together with their families request the honor of ur presence T the celebration of their marriage Saturday the thirteenth of august 2011 5 pm 420 woodcroft ave forks wa
Posted by: Twinkel | December 24, 2012 at 06:54 PM
Hi, I saw you Video 내 노래야', and I wanted to say You Are Awesome!!! I'm 31 years old, I have an Korean pasropst but I lived in USA until I was ten years old so I can see the same sight that you see about K-Pops. And I understand what you wanted to say in that M/V. I listen all kind of musics around the world but I feel the same what you think. After I saw that M/V of yours I felt so good. Some guys will try to pick on you for that but fxxxem(sorry for the hard language). You are great.I don't know why I'm writing this here but I just wanted to say you are great. Keep rock'in the world michael!PS My american name is Michael too. ^^
Posted by: Aniie | March 31, 2013 at 12:08 AM
w00t! Although the cigarette smoke at the top is mkinag me cough a bit. But the comments are gorgeous!Yeah, this is EASY reading!! Good call NDFG. Replied to the mass email you sent, hell of a story . . . . . Feel free to forward to all others if ya want, I replied to you only because I didn't want to breach any personal stuff. I'm guessin this subject is wide open with all Bumz on the email list, so from now on I'll hit reply to all' . . . . PB, this is REALLY easy to read!!!
Posted by: Orfel | March 31, 2013 at 02:03 AM
yeahas for the avatar's i'm not eertinly certain. there might be options in the profile, but i got mine through gmail it seems if you use a gmail account and set up a picture there (which is what betsy, cassie, and I have already done), they show up
Posted by: Carlos | April 02, 2013 at 06:13 AM
Stina W 15 april, 2012 kl. 18:01 Kul Simon! Du har verkligen je4ttefina bieldr! Och bra att du summerar ve5r resa! Det var ROLIGT att resa med er! Kram
Posted by: Marilyn | April 20, 2013 at 06:56 AM