CHAOS THEORY: Summer Edition

Thanks for all your concerned e-mails (especially from my Seoul sister Kimchi Mamas.)  I guess BossLady's comment in the last post led some of you to believe that I'd been hospitalized again.  Actually, for the past three weeks, Mt. Sinai has become my little habitrail laboratory.  I've been poked, prodded, scanned, and scrutinized by an entire phalanx of doctors.  The good news? My heart seems to be in perfect condition.  The bad news?  They don't seem to know exactly what was causing my chest pains.

Anyway, when I'm not hooked up to a treadmill like the Bionic Woman, here's what's been happening lately...

A SPIKE LEE MOMENT

Every afternoon, I take Peanut to the playground where we chase each other on the jungle gym, run through the sprinklers, and try to catch pigeons.  Naturally, the Peanut never wants to leave.  However, every night, one of the local park custodians informs everyone that the park is about to close.  That's when I turn to Peanut and say, "If The Man says we've got to go, then we got to go."

Last night, Peanut and I were walking hand-in-hand together around the neighborhood.  Suddenly, she sees a guy wearing the same sanitation outfit as the park custodian.  Immediately, she runs up to him and says, "Hey, you da MAN!"

Without missing a beat, the man looks down at the Peanut and replies, "No, YOU da man!" 

Before I know it, Peanut and the custodian are laughing hysterically, pointing at one another, and screaming, "YOU da man!" to one another.  Needless to say, the crowd of people around us on lower Broadway thought this was quite possibly the funniest thing they'd ever seen.  I'd have to concur.

I can't wait until the Peanut and I run into Radio Rahim.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT PEAS, GLOVES & THUNDER STANDING?

Recently, we went to a fundraiser for the local elementary school that the Peanut will be attending in a few years (unless of course by that time, they've managed to cut out math and science along with music and art. Don't even get me started.  My firm belief in public education is sorely getting diminished with each passing newspaper headline. I'm starting to feel like a horny monk losing faith in his religion!)

Anyway, did you know elementary school fundraisers often have live music these days?  I certainly didn't.  Do you know that they sometimes hire Elvis Costello cover bands to perform said music?  Do you know that toddlers and little kids don't like Elvis Costello?  Have I told you about my love for Elvis Costello?

Back in 1986, Elvis Costello played 5 nights at the Broadway Theater.  I saw him perform on 4 of those nights and it was one of my favorite concert experiences of all time.  Every night, he played with different musicians (Tom Waits, David Johannsen, Pen & Teller.)  It was the same tour that featured the Spectacular Spinning Songbook (a spinning wheel that would determine which songs would be played that night.)

I'd forgotten how much I used to love Elvis Costello.  So of course I immediately came home and downloaded every single album off itunes.  Naturally, I feel like I'm 17 again. If you see me anytime soon, I'll be the guy with spiked hair, a sleeveless Ramones t-shirt, and checkered Vans, pogoing with a giant-sized Sony Walkman.

Ha! Hipster Dad, indeed. 

5 THINGS I FOUND WHILE CLEANING OUT MY DESK DRAWER

1. A seemingly lifetime supply of dental floss.
2. Vitamins with an expiration date that passed 5 years ago.
3. Some "funny money" from Scores Gentlemen's Club.
4. A box filled with blank mini-discs
5. My Filofax from 1998 (which might be deserving of its own post.)

It's like a time machine in there.  I left one drawer completely untouched.  I'm hoping to look in it next week and find a Missing Persons t-shirt, some Pop Rocks, and a glo-stick! 

NON SEQUITUR RAMBLINGS OF A 2.5 YEAR-OLD

1. Peanut and I were walking the dog together this morning.  For some reason, she thought it would be fun to put the doggie bags over her hands like mittens.  Whenever she lagged behind me, I yelled out, "C'mon, Edward Poopiehands. Let's go!"  Apparently, this pissed her off because she emphatically ran up to me and said, "No, Daddy. Poop has no hands."

2. The other day, Peanut found a box of sanitary napkins.  When she asked me what they were, I told her they were "sticker hats."  Immediately I realized my mistake.  If there are two things that the Peanut loves more than anything right now, it's stickers and hats.  Thankfully she's only two, which means she has the attention span of a flea and is easily distracted by things like her thumbs.  However, a few hours later, I heard her going around to people and saying, "I want sticker hats. You have sticker hats?"  Naturally, I just kept my mouth closed. 

21 JUMP STREET FOR THE TODDLER SET

My greatest joy as a parent (thus far) has been having conversations with the Peanut.  BossLady and I LOVE talking to the Peanut.  Getting to this point feels like the moment we've been waiting for since her birth.  There's only one problem though. 

The Peanut is a freaking narc. 

Whatever I do or say somehow ALWAYS gets back to the BossLady. Ironically, Peanut never narcs on the BossLady.  Just me.  Must be some kind of female bond.  However, here are some of her most recent undercover reports back to the BossLady. 

1. "Daddy gave me donuts."
2. "Mommy crazy?"
3. "Daddy tooted on my hand."
4. "Daddy drink all my juice at the playground."
5. "I had ice cream for dinner, mommy!"

I was trying to give her a bath yesterday but she kept running away from me.  I think it's because she was wearing a wire.  Damn!  Nobody likes a snitch. 

PARENTING JOKE OF THE DAY (SENT BY MD READER BRENT)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he doesn't recognize her.  So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

SUMMER READING LIST

Am I the only book geek who has make-believe friendships with some of my favorite writers?  I think I've mentioned this before but now that it's summer, I'm constantly making plans with them for various activities.  The summer calendar of my imagination is getting filled up quickly!

With Martin Amis, it's usually a few sets of tennis and cocktails at the club.  With Norman Mailer, the two of us like to go to boxing matches in Vegas.  Nora Ephron and I love having tea at The Carlyle.  Jhumpa Lahiri and I often cruise East 6th Street looking for new Indian restaurants.  Chang-Rae Lee is my Seoul brother/golf buddy.  He and I always shoot a round in Jersey and then go out for some kalbi.  Marisha Pessl is always up for a cool concert or book reading.  During the summer, I'll head out to Brooklyn to grab a few beers with Jonathan Safron Foer. Sometimes, Jonathan Franzen joins us.

The only thing in common that I always do with my imaginary writer friends is discuss what books they're reading now.

So imagine how pysched I was to see this week's NY Times Book Review asking a handful of writers what books they’ve enjoyed most over the last few months. Their choices — from best sellers to poetry collections to a philosophy of science — are idiosyncratic, instructive, and very cool.  Check out the article here.

As for me, here's my summer reading list...

Falling Man (Don DeLillo)

On Chesil Beach (Ian McEwan)

Dangerous Book for Boys (Conn Iggulden)

After Dark (Haruki Murakami)

The Yiddish Policeman's Union (Michael Chabon)

A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hosseini)

What's everybody else reading?

 

Comments

[ChaEsq]

I've got McEwan, Hosseini and DeLillo on my list too ... btw, "You da man" got me laughing OUT LOUD. (And I'm alone right now! What is it, that there's something more embarrassing about laughing out loud when one is alone than when one is with others, or at least out in public?) Your Peanut is great.

[Juan]

That's strange, Mart and I usually go to dark bars where hard men with names like "Keiff" and Dwight shoot darts and commit violence with pool cues. Salman and I play in pickup soccer games at the park then discuss Tottenham Hotspur, the Clash, Indira Gandhi, and Padma...

[LeeAnn]

Pantyliners make great stick on butterflies!

[Phoenix]

I love the joke. No, I'm your son's teacher. I just love it.

I used to think I'd send my kids to public school too, but as time goes on, it pains me how much they've taken out of the program. Now I'm leaning towards private school for my hypothetical kids. Shit by the time I really have a few, I may be leaning towards home schooling. Either that or I need to stop watching reruns of CSI.

I hope they figure out what's wrong with you soon.

[Procrastamom]

I just picked up A Thousand Splendid Suns at the book store the other day. I was the last literate person on earth to read Kite Runner (last month), so I snapped up the new one without hesitation. I also have Middlesex, The Birth House and four others I can't remember the titles of on my dressing table. Oh, and I have to read the fifth Harry Potter book before the movie comes out. It's looking like an entire summer of ignoring my family and the news and random fires about the house.

That joke? God, I hope I can remember it until dinner so I can retell it. (probably won't though)

[NR]

I just finished "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali-very interesting.

[Woman with Kids]

Just finished The Thirteenth Tale, very good for light reading...

Sticker hats? That's quick thinking.

[Vampdaddy]

Hey MD --

Watch that ticker. I just spent a fine evening in the hospital myself with a mysterious chest pain no one can explain. Perhaps stress, perhaps the thai food I had for lunch -- either way I ran on the treadmill tethered to the computer with no aparent cause in sight.

But damn, did they have to put the ramp so high? My legs are still sore!

[Papa Bradstein]

Dude. You saw the 86 Elvis show? You suck. My friend went and later said, "I didn't call you 'cause I didn't know if you'd want to go." He sucks too.

[KrisT]

Kris from Las Vegas delurking to say that A Thousand Splendid Suns is fabulous. Read it in a day and a half. McEwan's on my list for the summer too!

[Jenny]

Peanut is amazing and you are too! That joke is extremely clever too

[Ricky]

Just finished the Chabon book. Very unusual. Clearly an interesting premise. Execution is a little weird. Let me know what you think when you're finished.

[onc RN]

did you ever get around to reading Boomsday? it rocks.

[Blogger Formerly Known as NFPD]

Read the Chabon book and endorse it heartily. I am also reading Nathan Englander's Ministry of Special Cases which is very good, but in a way even stranger than the Chabon book. I am jonesing big time for the McEwan but since I am 163 on my library's wait-list it may be awhile before I get to that one. Also, I recommend World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie Wars by Max Brooks -- imagine "28 Weeks Later" combined with Studs Terkel's "The Good War."

[KC]

I like "sticker hats" much better than "sanitary napkins". But, you know she's going to be sporting one soon and then you got some 'splanin to do to the Bosslady.

My first non-work/school related book in ages will be eat, pray, love. That will take me through Labor Day.

[whit]

Maybe Bosslady doesn't do anything wrong on which to narc. What? It's possible.

As one of your favorite writers I say we spend our time together spending your funny money- just no pool tables.

[BookGirl]

Yeah, the Book Review article rocked.

I made my bi-monthly pilgrimage to my local bookstore on Sunday, and stacked on my nightstand are all the books you list except the Dangerous Book for Boys. I also (finally) picked up Special Topics in Calamity Physics and Walter Isaacson's Einstein biography.

[MetroDude]

Dude, you have a toddler and a job. How do you have time to read ANYTHING? With two, the only reading I can manage is your column.

[metro mama]

On Chesil Beach is next on my list.

[William]

Hey MD. I hope the Docs can give you an answer to your chest pains.

[Emily]

I like to go bowling with Dave Eggers, shopping with Nora Ephron, and drinking with Elizabeth Berg. You're not the only one with imaginary writer friends, MD!

[Waya]

I'm glad you got a clean bill of health! Maybe you should consult "Dr. House". ;-)

I love listening to Sophia trying to talk to, it's just amazing to hear a 2 y/o talk, isn't it?!

As for the reading part, I've been trying to cramp in as many books as I can before this "piglet" comes out. I felt guilty of not being "stimulated" enough with reading instead of being a couch potato the past 8 months. So, I read 3 books in 3 wks, that's a feat in itself for me. The latest was "Day of Confession" by Folstrom I think, it's a great book. Your list is too intellectual for me Pierre!

[LACEY]

NON SEQUITUR RAMBLINGS OF A 2.5 YEAR-OLD ARE THE BEST! I REMEMBER WHEN MY SON WAS THAT AGE. THE MOST RANDOM THINGS WOULD COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

[Olivia]

I don't know who I have a bigger crush on...you or the Peanut! This entry made me smile from beginning to end.

[SAHD]

Hey MD, am loving your blog from over here in Blighty.

I'm new to all this bloggin' but some of your posts just crack me up!

My boy (AKA: the little prince) is always ratting on me to his mother and never the other way round so hey I sympathise, he even tells her things I haven't done so he's got lying down pat too!

Anyway, nice to have discovered your blog and I have put a link on my rank amateur (!) attempt at a blog going for all of 6 days now.. wish me luck

www.stayathomedad.typepad.com

[Felicia]

A lot of people are mixed about Delillo's Falling Man, but I loved it. I thought it was his best since White Noise. I can't wait to get my hands on the McEwan.

I'd also recommend Sin in the Second City by Karen Abbott - it's a terrific non fiction book about turn of the century Chicago and its issue with brothels, prostitution, etc.

[Jessica]

I'm halfway through the Hosseini book and am loving every page of it. Next on my summer list is the Michael Chabon book. Is it me or is this a great summer for books?

[johnsondaw]

Just read The Alchemist for my book club. Not something I would ever have picked on my own, but really a cool, thought-provoking book. Book club was a little wild last night, let's just say I got my reisling on.

[Ellen]

Edward Poopiehands? Poop has no hands? You and the Peanut BOTH crack me up.

[honglien123]

I have to read 13 books in 6 weeks this summer for two English courses at Cal. None of them are remotely modern (ie Scarlet Letter...again!).

After slicing and dicing the likes of Hawthorne and Shakespeare and feeling like a teenager again, I think I'll be all booked out. Although, I did pick up Kite Runner because as someone noted, every literate person on the planet has read it except me.

RE: Peanut being a narc, my Evie was like that too. She told my MOM everything, that is, until I told her that I wasn't going to take her anywhere or do anything fun until she stopped.

[Kim]

Damn you, MD. I can't stop singing to myself, "What's so funny about peas, gloves and thunder standing?" It's totally stuck in my head. Aarrgh!

[Martha]

You are my literary twin. Substitute "Ministery of Special Cases" for "Dangerous Book for Boys" and you have my EXACT
Summer reading list.
More here:
http://svmomblog.typepad.com/silicon_valley_moms_blog/2007/01/draft_books_pos.html

[leora]

I'm with Metrodude. How do you have time to read with a full-time job and a child? I have a hard enough time staying awake to watch television!

[Heather]

Ha! Peanut is da MAN.
I don't do stuff w/my writer "friends" but I talk to them in my head all the time.

[Alanna]

I absolutely LOVE that stage when little kids talk in babbling non sequiturs. I think it's the cutest thing in the world. My niece came over the other day and kept telling me that hats don't belong on fish. For the record, I don't have any fish and there wasn't a hat in sight!

[winterwheat]

ROFL! *wipes tear*

I'm into biographies this summer: Chevy Chase followed by, naturally, Albert Einstein.

[Pattie]

I know when I had chest pains it was caused by being beyond miserable at work. Turned out to be esophageal spasms -- good times!

You know, if only more kids appreciated artists like Costello, we would have fewer Britneys in the world
Sadly, the most interesting thing I found while cleaning out a drawer a while back was a baggie full of inch-tall troll dolls, which my cat then stole.

That's hilarious that the Peanut narcs on you. Mommy-daughter loyalty, I guess.

My summer reading list is whatever I manage to find and read. As of right now, Night by Elie Wiesel and Bright Lights, Big Ass by Jen Lancaster are on the list. Talk about polar opposites.

[mox]

A friend of mine had the same symptoms as you, and went through test after test (he had crazy migraines too). It turns out that all his symptoms stopped after he quit his corporate job and stopped getting stressed. It doesn't seem possible that you could be stressed out if you're writing such hilarious stuff.

Hope you're feeling better!

Yay, you're back! I missed reading about the latest things rattling around in your head. :) I hope the docs will figure out what's wrong ASAP.

Chang-rae Lee!!! I met him in college. I remember him as a quiet kind of guy. He came to lecture at my college, and he stayed in the guest quarters of my dorm while I was the dorm's House Manager. I remember being summoned in the middle of the night to shoo away a bunch of infatuated, overseas, freshman girls dressed in their nighties giggling and knocking on his door. Sigh. The poor man didn't know whether to laugh or run away screaming . ;) He was pretty good natured about it while I was profusely apologizing to him for that incident.

"Poop has no hands!" The Peanut cracks me up! My little 2.5er says some fun non-sequiters, too, and it's often sheer luck that I understand what she's talking about.

[Jake]

I have to admit that "Edward Poopiehands" made me giggle like a little schoolgirl. The only thing funnier was the Peanut's reply!

P.S. My literary "friend" is Augusten Burroughs.

Shouldn't it be Peanut Poopiehands???

And I know you have a real MD for a friend, but why not try a GI doc since the ticker seems fine.

[Laura]

My 2.5 year old's best latest utterance? "I don't NEED Joe Biden!" Now that he's gone with the angels, I'm reading Kurt Vonnegut's "Hocus Pocus." Good stuff.

[enygma]

One of my projects this summer is to read like mad. I think I'm going to start out with Zadie Smith's On Beauty (I know it's been out for awhile, but it's on my book club list and it's about time I started contributing to the discussion) and maybe move on to Hosseini's new novel.

[L.]

I just started Peter Brown`s "The Body and Society."

Yeah, I am a total fucking geek, and not ashamed to admit it. Your description of "THE BOOKWORM MOM" in your post last week really hit home.

[misfithausfrau]

I was so psyched to see the NYT Book Review. I am planning to read them all. I just got "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. I was so pissed to find out that Oprah has it in her book club now.

Stay Healthy!

[Ian]

I'm so jealous that you went to those '86 Elvis Costello shows. I remember I was living in L.A. at the time. I think he played 5 nights there too and I couldn't go to any of them because of some lame high school events. Bummer!

[landismom]

I'm reading Alice Munro's "Open Secrets" right now. And Procrastamom, you're not the last person to read The Kite Runner. I've still got it on my nightstand.

[Tawnya]

I love the randomness of thoughts from the two to three-year-old set... they crack me up! Edward Poopiehands! Poop has no hands! Hah!
Book list is a little bland these days...
eat, pray, love is on my list for book club. I'm a bit embarrased to admit I'm finally reading Fall On Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald... it only took me about four years to get around to it!
However, the sleeper hit of my summer reading list will be the Canadian Securities Course textbook, Volume II. Damn summer studying... grrr!

[Deanna]

I recently got hooked on Alexander McCall Smith books - I'm waiting for "The Good Husband of Zebra Drive" from the library, but I'm going to try out his "The Sunday Philosophy Club" series while I'm at it. And I just bought "The Reagan Diaries"... which I will get to at some point this summer.

I laughed until I cried over the "sticker hats." Thanks for the pick-me-up, MD!

[Mama Nabi]

ha ha, I love the narc stage. PN... not so much since the narcing seems to be more about him. :-)

Sticker hats - oh my, I'm almost afrain to find out what you'll name tampons.