What's up, Little Supastar!
Wow, what a year it's been! Remind your assistant to send some flowers to the PR flacks over at ICM. They've been worth every penny. From that US Magazine cover story on your birth to the paparazzi stalking of your first birthday party, you've gotten almost as much coverage as Paris Hilton in prison!
Let's face it kiddo, you've got it made. While from the outside, being a celebrity's child may seem like a nonstop whirlwind of gorgeous people, fabulous clothes, sparkling parties and spectacular homes, the reality is exactly that. People would KILL to have the life you were born into!
Besides, nobody on earth has a mommy and daddy like yours. They couldn't be happier now that you've joined their little "entourage." In fact, one of the first things that Daddy did after you were born was get your name tattooed on his bicep. And how cool is it to hear Mommy sing "I'm a Slave 4 U" as a lullaby? She's also working on "Rock-a-Bye, Baby." Rumor has it that Timbaland is going to produce it for her next album!
On a material level, life is damn good. You're Hollywood Royalty and you've got the perks to prove it. How many other little kids get their own full-time staff, a separate wing of the house, and 24-hour room service? In fact, GQ Magazine recently reported that you're the only baby in the world with a stuffed panda, a live panda, and a bodyguard named Panda!
But hey, let's face it, kiddo. Life ain't all Bugaboos, bling and Balenciagas. There are some drawbacks to being you. Look out the window. See those fat virgins camped out in their Hyundais? See those other creeps digging in your trash can? Those scumbags are called paparazzi. Mommy and Daddy hate them. But they can get $100,000 just for a photo of you. Try not to give them the finger or throw rocks at them. It never does any good. If you don't believe me, ask daddy's drinking buddy, Sean Penn.
Everyone will want a piece of you, kid. Rolling Stone wants you to pose for the cover with Apple, Lourdes, and Zahara. Proactiv wants you to do a baby-acne commercial. And Tom Cruise wants you to accompany him for two years, from 2031 to 2033. Just as a "friend." He'll make it worth your while. Just sign here:
So it's going to be a wonderful life, baby. But you're going to need a few morsels of advice.
1. Don't change your name.
Most civilians have normal names like Jessica, Justin, or Zoe. You, of course, have a weird name. However, in this day and age, having an unusual name is what marks you as a famed member of the Lucky Sperm Club. Sure, you'll want to change it some day. Just remember that things could be much worse. If you don't believe me go ask Apple Martin, Brooklyn Beckham, or Dweezil Zappa!
2. Choose your role models carefully.
When I was growing up, we didn't know if our favorite celebrities even HAD kids. Now, we know EVERYTHING about the offspring of our favorite stars. Heck, there are even several websites documenting all of you. This is new and uncharted territory. For guidance, take a look at Michael Douglas, Angelina Jolie, Liv Tyler, Kate Hudson, and Kiefer Sutherland. However, for every one of them, there's a cautionary tale like Lisa Marie, Tori Spelling, or Jack Osbourne. The last thing you want to do is end up joining the cast of The Surreal Life (c. 2029!)
3. Don't stress out about choosing a career.
There was a time when people largely became famous because they had a special talent or a unique ability. Lionel Richie was a brilliant songwriter and performer. Rod Stewart was a genuine rockstar. The Hiltons ran some quite successful hotels. But their kids were born famous. To dazzle they had merely to exist. Which Nicole, Kimberly and Paris have done spectacularly. So while the other kids are studying for exams and applying to college, don't sweat it. You were born to be a star, right? At least that's what mommy and daddy keep telling you!
4. Keep one eye on the competition.
However, if you DO want to follow in mommy and daddy's footsteps, you better stop slacking and get your lazy ass out of that Bugaboo! Sure, you're only two-years-old right now. Recently, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's daughter announced her own TV show: Bindi, the Jungle Girl. She's eight years old. Will Smith's son, Jaden, has already starred in a major motion picture and he's only seven. If you're going to make it big, you better pick up that guitar, have the nanny read you some scripts, and start taking more lunches with your agent!
5. Look for innovative ways to rebel.
Eating disorders are so 80's. Drug rehab is so 90's. If you're going to rebel from this whole celebrity scene, may we suggest some more creative ways? Turn the tables on everything. Normalcy is the new freakiness. Get a job as a life insurance agent. Sell aluminum siding. Become a teacher or a high-school guidance counselor. Go to theology school. Believe me. A civilian life is the ultimate form of rebellion and will drive your parents completely insane!
Good luck, kiddo. We're rooting for you. And we'll definitely be keeping an eye on you (just not from the garbage can—we promise.)
P.S. Did you see Sean Preston's new Escalade? That is SO pimp! The kid ain't even two yet and he's got the freshest ride in town. I think it's about time you asked Mommy and Daddy about that new Maserati they promised you last week. Check it, kid! That's how YOU roll, baby!