What's up, Little Supastar!
Wow, what a year it's been! Remind your assistant to send some flowers to the PR flacks over at ICM. They've been worth every penny. From that US Magazine cover story on your birth to the paparazzi stalking of your first birthday party, you've gotten almost as much coverage as Paris Hilton in prison!
Let's face it kiddo, you've got it made. While from the outside, being a celebrity's child may seem like a nonstop whirlwind of gorgeous people, fabulous clothes, sparkling parties and spectacular homes, the reality is exactly that. People would KILL to have the life you were born into!
Besides, nobody on earth has a mommy and daddy like yours. They couldn't be happier now that you've joined their little "entourage." In fact, one of the first things that Daddy did after you were born was get your name tattooed on his bicep. And how cool is it to hear Mommy sing "I'm a Slave 4 U" as a lullaby? She's also working on "Rock-a-Bye, Baby." Rumor has it that Timbaland is going to produce it for her next album!
On a material level, life is damn good. You're Hollywood Royalty and you've got the perks to prove it. How many other little kids get their own full-time staff, a separate wing of the house, and 24-hour room service? In fact, GQ Magazine recently reported that you're the only baby in the world with a stuffed panda, a live panda, and a bodyguard named Panda!
But hey, let's face it, kiddo. Life ain't all Bugaboos, bling and Balenciagas. There are some drawbacks to being you. Look out the window. See those fat virgins camped out in their Hyundais? See those other creeps digging in your trash can? Those scumbags are called paparazzi. Mommy and Daddy hate them. But they can get $100,000 just for a photo of you. Try not to give them the finger or throw rocks at them. It never does any good. If you don't believe me, ask daddy's drinking buddy, Sean Penn.
Everyone will want a piece of you, kid. Rolling Stone wants you to pose for the cover with Apple, Lourdes, and Zahara. Proactiv wants you to do a baby-acne commercial. And Tom Cruise wants you to accompany him for two years, from 2031 to 2033. Just as a "friend." He'll make it worth your while. Just sign here:
So it's going to be a wonderful life, baby. But you're going to need a few morsels of advice.
1. Don't change your name.
Most civilians have normal names like Jessica, Justin, or Zoe. You, of course, have a weird name. However, in this day and age, having an unusual name is what marks you as a famed member of the Lucky Sperm Club. Sure, you'll want to change it some day. Just remember that things could be much worse. If you don't believe me go ask Apple Martin, Brooklyn Beckham, or Dweezil Zappa!
2. Choose your role models carefully.
When I was growing up, we didn't know if our favorite celebrities even HAD kids. Now, we know EVERYTHING about the offspring of our favorite stars. Heck, there are even several websites documenting all of you. This is new and uncharted territory. For guidance, take a look at Michael Douglas, Angelina Jolie, Liv Tyler, Kate Hudson, and Kiefer Sutherland. However, for every one of them, there's a cautionary tale like Lisa Marie, Tori Spelling, or Jack Osbourne. The last thing you want to do is end up joining the cast of The Surreal Life (c. 2029!)
3. Don't stress out about choosing a career.
There was a time when people largely became famous because they had a special talent or a unique ability. Lionel Richie was a brilliant songwriter and performer. Rod Stewart was a genuine rockstar. The Hiltons ran some quite successful hotels. But their kids were born famous. To dazzle they had merely to exist. Which Nicole, Kimberly and Paris have done spectacularly. So while the other kids are studying for exams and applying to college, don't sweat it. You were born to be a star, right? At least that's what mommy and daddy keep telling you!
4. Keep one eye on the competition.
However, if you DO want to follow in mommy and daddy's footsteps, you better stop slacking and get your lazy ass out of that Bugaboo! Sure, you're only two-years-old right now. Recently, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's daughter announced her own TV show: Bindi, the Jungle Girl. She's eight years old. Will Smith's son, Jaden, has already starred in a major motion picture and he's only seven. If you're going to make it big, you better pick up that guitar, have the nanny read you some scripts, and start taking more lunches with your agent!
5. Look for innovative ways to rebel.
Eating disorders are so 80's. Drug rehab is so 90's. If you're going to rebel from this whole celebrity scene, may we suggest some more creative ways? Turn the tables on everything. Normalcy is the new freakiness. Get a job as a life insurance agent. Sell aluminum siding. Become a teacher or a high-school guidance counselor. Go to theology school. Believe me. A civilian life is the ultimate form of rebellion and will drive your parents completely insane!
Good luck, kiddo. We're rooting for you. And we'll definitely be keeping an eye on you (just not from the garbage can—we promise.)
Sincerely,
MetroDad
P.S. Did you see Sean Preston's new Escalade? That is SO pimp! The kid ain't even two yet and he's got the freshest ride in town. I think it's about time you asked Mommy and Daddy about that new Maserati they promised you last week. Check it, kid! That's how YOU roll, baby!
I'm first! Boo yah!
Posted by: BossLady | June 26, 2007 at 10:45 AM
You're such a nerd, BossLady! That's why I love you. Aren't you supposed to be in meetings all day today? Are you hiding in the bathroom with your Blackberry again?
Posted by: METRODAD | June 26, 2007 at 10:50 AM
This is hilarious, MD. I love how you poke fun and parody celebrity kids...while still being "in the know!"
Posted by: Jennifer | June 26, 2007 at 11:43 AM
Celebrity kids: the ultimate accessory. They should come with handles.
Posted by: p-man | June 26, 2007 at 12:55 PM
This is my favorite: Proactiv wants you to do a baby-acne commercial.
AAAAAHHHH HA HA HA HA!
Posted by: halfmama | June 26, 2007 at 01:17 PM
What is it with celebrities and the weird names for their kids? I never understood that.
Posted by: Melissa | June 26, 2007 at 01:30 PM
I love this Metro. You're cracking my ass up.
Truly, it's fucking sad for those kids. All they did was be born. That's it and their lives will never be normal. I will say, I'd take that Escalade any day. Kid has a nicer ride then me and I'm 27. Freakish mother, but a nice ride.
BossLady, you're funny! I know I've said it before, but you should really start a blog.
Posted by: Phoenix | June 26, 2007 at 01:56 PM
Poor kiddo... you can just see him in drug/alcohol rehab in a couple years.
Posted by: Fiona | June 26, 2007 at 02:21 PM
Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that the toy Escalade cost even more than my REAL car?
Posted by: Brad | June 26, 2007 at 03:24 PM
"I'm a Slave 4 U" as a lullaby ???
hmmm...sounds like a good enough idea that i'll have to give it a go.
great post.
Posted by: neals | June 26, 2007 at 03:36 PM
the only other sadder celeb accessory is the adopted chinese or korean baby . . .
Posted by: Angie in Texas | June 26, 2007 at 05:21 PM
Oh fabulous, MD! Although I'm dismayed to learn that life is not all Bugaboos and Balenciaga. Dammit.
Posted by: Mom101 | June 26, 2007 at 07:24 PM
WTF? You write this whole thing, which is obviously an ad for FameCrawler, and you don't link to it?
I even called you man candy on there the other day. Okay, i actually called you mandy, but the reader(s) got it.
I thought we were tight.
Posted by: whit | June 26, 2007 at 07:55 PM
I'm so with you, MD. Whatever happened to the days when people were famous for actually DOING something? I can't tell you how many times friends of mine living in Europe or Asia ask me, "why the hell is Paris Hilton famous again?"
Really, I have no freaking idea!
Posted by: J-Dog | June 26, 2007 at 08:02 PM
The kid's got K-FED as a dad. Give him whatever he wants. He's fucked.
Posted by: MetroDude | June 26, 2007 at 11:47 PM
I'm with Phoenix on this one.
bosslady.typepade.com? hehe.
-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Posted by: ray lee | June 27, 2007 at 09:30 AM
LOL - the only SUV my 2 1/2 old daughter is getting contains Little People.
Posted by: Becca | June 27, 2007 at 12:59 PM
He looks really sad. Poor baby... indeed, money cannot buy you a happy childhood.
Yeah, I'm not too sure about the Paris Hilton obsession... it only makes me want to NOT stay at a Hilton ever, lest I become partially responsible for that girl's sad empty life.
Posted by: Mama Nabi | June 27, 2007 at 03:46 PM
Somebody needs to buy that kid a friend.
He's looking pretty lonely.
Posted by: creative-type dad | June 27, 2007 at 03:55 PM
Do celebrity moms actually raise their kids? I barely have time to take a shower during the day! How do they do it with magazine shoots, movies, and more?
And...having a nanny is not a form of mothering.
Posted by: kathy | June 27, 2007 at 04:41 PM
Do celebrity moms actually raise their kids? I barely have time to take a shower during the day! How do they do it with magazine shoots, movies, and more?
And...having a nanny is not a form of mothering.
Posted by: kathy | June 27, 2007 at 04:41 PM
If I were a celebrity, I'd have a dozen kids! It's not like I have to raise them! That's what the hired help is for!
Ha!
(Hope you're feelin' better!)
Posted by: L.A. Daddy | June 27, 2007 at 07:14 PM
Oh MD. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Posted by: landismom | June 27, 2007 at 09:37 PM
go to theology school, bwahahahaha.
awesome.
Posted by: pnuts mama | June 28, 2007 at 12:29 AM
My next door neighbor has the same ride, but in red (sweet) but his boy has to sit bitch because my daughter always insists on driving.
Posted by: Mitch McDad | June 28, 2007 at 10:57 AM
Britney and Kevin - a couple of in-laws Bossy wouldn't want to tangle with...
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Posted by: Maarten | June 29, 2007 at 11:24 PM
It's nice to know Sean Preston is being raised with global warming awareness.
Oh, wait a minute. . . .
Posted by: samantha Jo Campen | June 30, 2007 at 11:57 AM
You rock. For real.
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Who swept the Mets? Who?
I can't hear you.
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