Once you have a child, it's inevitable that you will be drawn into many long and boring parenting conversations with both friends and complete strangers.
However, after awhile, you'll begin to realize that parents rarely ever say what they actually mean. Many of them use these weird passive-aggressive phrases to obscure their true thoughts.
In the interest of science and my ongoing anthropological study of parenting, I've compiled some common parenting phrases and their hidden subtext. I hope this proves to be especially useful for any of you newbies out there who haven't spent much time around other parents!
Parenting Phrase = True Meaning
What an adorable little newborn baby! = Holy shit, your kid is ugly!
I don't remember what life was like before the baby. = I used to have no life.
That's so great your child loves Chicken McNuggets. = Why don't you just feed your kid out of the dumpster?
Maybe we'll do a playdate next weekend? = Dude, can you please watch my kid next Saturday so I can get some free time to myself? I'm begging you!
We're so tired by the end of the day. = We haven't had sex in ages!
She has your ears. = Man, that kid looks NOTHING like you. Are you sure you're really the father? I think you seriously need to consider taking a paternity test.
We're not sure when we're having another one. = We're not sure we even WANT another kid. The one we have right now is totally kicking our asses! How the hell do people have more than one kid?
Wow, it looks like they're really hitting it off. = Crap, our kids seem to really like each other. Does this mean that you and I will have to spend time together? I sure hope not.
He sure does have a lot of energy! = Your kid is a hyperactive monster! He must drive you completely insane. I pity you.
Your outfit looks so comfortable. = Grungy sweatpants, a food-stained t-shirt, ponytail in a baseball cap? You look like shit, woman! Have you completely given up on personal hygiene already?
It must be so great having a nanny to help out. = How come you have a nanny when you don't even work?
It's nice that he has such a good appetite. = Your kid is a gluttonous slob who eats like a trucker. Never in my entire life have I ever seen anyone inhale a pizza so quickly. No wonder he looks like a sumo wrestler!
We missed the pitter patter of little feet. = The damn vasectomy didn't work!
Parenting was so much different when I was your age. = We didn't complain like you do. Stop whining. I worked 2 jobs, had 4 kids, and never had anyone to help me out. EVER!
That's such a cute age. = I remember when my kids used to like me. Wait until they get older and hate your guts.
Looks like you could fit a whole soccer team in that car! = Since you have a minivan, can you drive my kids to the soccer game next week?
The school wasn't really a good fit for her. = She got kicked out.
Your daughter looks like a little China doll. = Your daughter is Asian.
I love your daughter's curly locks. = Your daughter is Black.
Your daughter has such a beautiful skintone. = Your daughter is Latino.
She's so exotic looking. = Your daughter is mixed-race.
Did I miss anything or leave any out? Feel free to add your own.
This one is a winner.
"I just don't know how you do it" = "What are you crazy. Why do you do it THAT way?
Posted by: mo-wo | June 04, 2007 at 02:50 AM
Kathy - if you don't like what you are reading, don't read it, and for crying out loud, don't comment on it. This isn't the Times editorial, it's a lighthearted parenting blog.
Bosslady, if I read you correctly, MD is in the hospital. We're sending speedy recovery vibes - no translation necessary.
Posted by: Jess | June 04, 2007 at 08:45 AM
I get this all the time: "It must be because you stay at home with her that she has such a large vocabulary/ expresses herself so well." = There's no way she's *that* freaking smart on her own.
But she is, dudes.
Posted by: Jen | June 04, 2007 at 10:03 AM
Are they twins? = I can't tell any of the Asians apart.
I actually heard this as a 28 year old next to my 25 year old brother sporting an afro. Can't wait till i hear it with my kids.
BTW - great blog, been meaning to comment for a long time, but this post pushed me over the edge.
Posted by: neals | June 04, 2007 at 12:27 PM
"It's so great that you've managed to nurse this long" (18 months) = "You hippie freak, do you think you'll have weaned your child by the time he goes off to college?"
Posted by: Kate | June 04, 2007 at 03:33 PM
I can't tell you how many times I've heard some of those!
"Oh, wow! He still crawls in the bed with you? He must really like to be around his mommy!" = "You freaking nutcase! Get your lazy ass up and send him back the fuck to his own bed!"
Posted by: Beth | June 04, 2007 at 04:01 PM
Kathy:
I read MD for a good laugh when my toddler has worn me out all day. Do you write a blog? Is it funny? 'Cause you are pretty hilarious.
Posted by: | June 04, 2007 at 08:31 PM
Kathy:
I read MD for a good laugh when my toddler has worn me out all day. Do you write a blog? Is it funny? 'Cause you are pretty hilarious.
Posted by: ank | June 04, 2007 at 08:33 PM
ROFLMAO, as usual.
Posted by: winterwheat | June 05, 2007 at 03:05 PM
When I say:
"Well, it's a very personal choice...I mean, I wasn't breastfed..."
I'm thinking:
"...and it's obvious that I have a good twenty IQ points on YOU, so I'm not sure what the problem is."
When I say:
"S/he's so active!"
I'm thinking:
"Can you duct tape it to a chair?"
When I say:
"She's a bit young for a pet, I think,"
I'm thinking:
"If your brat tries to pull my cat's tail one more time I'm punting her down a flight of stairs."
Posted by: The Pink Bride | June 06, 2007 at 09:43 AM
Does he look like his daddy? = you look like the Irish nanny.
Does he visit you at work? = Do you ever see your kids?
Posted by: kat | June 08, 2007 at 02:56 PM
My wonderful wife is chinese, I am a white. R2 is our 4 year old boy with a rat tail/top knot. Old Chinese women, constantly ask:
"Is she yours?", followed by "Are you sure?" which translates to "Are you sterile? Why did you adopt a white kid? There are perfectly normal Chinese kids available!"
Posted by: R2Dad | June 12, 2007 at 07:34 PM
ROFL!
I haven't laughed out loud over a post like this in soo long! (= I am such a saddo!)
Posted by: Desigirl | June 13, 2007 at 04:22 AM
How did I miss this?? It's wonderful!
Ok, "where did you get that cute outfit for her?" =
"Your kid is so ugly I can only find it in my heart to compliment her outfit."
Posted by: Mom101 | June 16, 2007 at 07:43 PM
I have twins and have had true dumbasses ask "so which one is the evil twin?" ummmm......YOU are? Idiots.
Posted by: shana | June 17, 2007 at 11:33 PM
Ha...this is great.
Someone just commented to me about my 14 mo old daughter, "Wow, she's going to be a real go-getter!" Of course the brazen bitch in me replied, "What are you trying to say, that my daughter is pushy?"
Posted by: Angelshade | June 22, 2007 at 11:12 PM
This was too funny. Great post.
One time I was shopping with my friends 2 year old daughter,adopted from China.
These two young black girls came up to me and said "Oh your baby is so cute! she looks just like you!"
I am white , with blond hair and blue eyes.
Translation: you all look the same to us. :)
Posted by: Oldy | June 25, 2007 at 08:31 AM
"aww did she just wake up?"
translation- could your little devil child be anymore demanding and could she be any bitchier?!?
"she's going to be so pretty when she grows up!"
translation- shes an ugly duckling...here's to hoping se grows into those features...cheers
"he has such an active imagination"
tanslation-" what kind of horse shit are you shovelling in to your kid's brain"
"my my he seems like he's had lots of sugar today"
translation- control your kid!
Posted by: danielle | September 01, 2007 at 04:16 AM
I think I wet myself. Great post, brother.
Posted by: Always Home and Uncool | June 06, 2008 at 09:08 AM
dear mommy,yes i am moving futnurire in here. there's plenty of roomi tried moving the sofa to the back-end but there seems to be a large, stick like object lodged quite far up here so logistically it's just not possible.Please excuse my wiggling, you must understand how restless i am being stuck somewhere when your mom sits around, types out really bad recipes and sits on yelp and urbanspoon all day, assuming their opinions mean anything.One day I hope to travel the lands, all the greatest cities, settle in a small town and speak of my tales to the locals. My unique brand of elitism will shine like the rising of a hundred suns. I will then create a blog, where i can share my stories to even more people who don't care, and all the people i know and love will pat me on the back and whisper in my ear, good job . good job Love, Your baby.
Posted by: Maiman | February 14, 2013 at 06:30 AM
I really am so happy that you are pntsiog these. I know it's difficult to watch- but from my perspective, it's helping me deal with the emotions that go along with it. Being able to see what is happening beyond the news coverage is calming for me. Thank you!!!!!
Posted by: AnDy | April 02, 2013 at 07:16 AM
I really am so happy that you are pntsiog these. I know it's difficult to watch- but from my perspective, it's helping me deal with the emotions that go along with it. Being able to see what is happening beyond the news coverage is calming for me. Thank you!!!!!
Posted by: AnDy | April 02, 2013 at 07:16 AM