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May 29, 2007

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Jamie

I LOVE this post. My husband and I always say to people that "we're not sure when we're having another one." And you're totally right. It does mean that we're getting our asses kicked by one kid right now! Lol!

Mikeymike

This is what I got when I was a child, as relayed to me by my father.

People pointing at me, then my mother who is a petite woman. Still weighs like 115, I dunno how she does it.

"Wait, that came out of you?"

Or.

"So how many jobs do you work to feed him?"

I can't help it if I ended up big.

Ava

"How old is your son?" which equates to your son looks like a 4 or 5 year old, but I can't figure out why he has the language skills of a two year old.

Since he is only two, but he is as tall as 4 & 5 year olds, at first other parents think he is slow, until they find out he is only 2.

Holmes

"He sure is a spirited child!" which translate to, "Holy Christ your kid is loud and destructive. Get him under control, would you?"

Lucy

Currently wearing grungy sweatpants and a food-stained t-shirt. Ponytail is in a baseball cap. Practically my uniform of choice these days. Nobody has told me yet that I look "comfortable."

However, my 7-year-old did ask me why I don't dress like all the "other moms." I didn't have the heart to tell him that his mom was just a lazy slob!

ArtFX

I am brutally honest about parenting when asked so.....

It's so refreshing to hear someone tell it like it is = You really don't have a handle on this parenting thing, do you?

I am Caucasian and my hubby is Chinese/Columbian (guess that makes infintitus a Quapa):

His eyes really don't look very Asian = Your white devil genes are too dominant.

FENICLE

EXOTIC! That word has so many meanings!!!!

kittenpie

Heh. I think I've made the china doll comment to a curly blond kid, because I meant a doll MADE OF china! One of those porcelain ones. oops.

But what about the code parents use to talk about their own precious darlings? It's at least as weird.

Sheri

I've gotten the "oh so active" comment more than I would like to remember.
My youngest was born with a lazy eye, and well, his left eye sortve crosses. There are so many people who insist on telling me I must patch his eye. Like they freaking care. Um, I suppose the glasses he is wearing isn't enough???
Very funny MD.

J-Dog

I fucking love you, MD! This was hilarious.

Maureen

I love your blog and I love reading all the comments because some of them are so funny.
I often hear "He sure does have a lot of energy!" about my son and I know exactly what people mean.
I have thought "It must be so great having a nanny to help out" when talking to sahm moms with nannys -- but I've never said it out loud because I know I'm just jealous.

sunny

How do you keep your house so mess-free with a little boy? = Hell, buy that kid some toys!

Maria

I'm not a parent, but I've used this one.

"What a wonderful baby!" = That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen.

anon

my kid is half mexican, and people chastise me for letting her out in the sun too much, i'm like, my kid is naturally dark!

Stacy

anon...My daughter is half-Mexican also and we hear the exact same thing! One woman came up to me last week and chastised me for allowing my daughter to suntan. WTF?!

Waya

You sure hit many nails on the heads alright Pierre! I'm laughing my head off reading this.

This is from my MIL telling Sophia "you have your Mommy's feet." Basically, she meant poor girl, you have Fred Flintstones feet.

Jennifer

I was late picking up my daughter from school yesterday when a fellow parent remarked, "Oh, you must be so busy not working!"

Translation: "With no job, how come you're always late, you lazy bum?"

adil

Those last four are right on! My daughter is half black and half Puerto Rican, and I've learned that from whites, the curly hair comment means exactly what you said. From blacks it means, "Wow, she's got that good Puerto Rican hair!" and from Latino's it means, "Aww, too bad she got that nappy black hair".

Mama Nabi

One that I've said before: "Wow, you really are a supermom, having [3+] little ones - I can barely keep up with one" = No, really, what's your secret, what're you on, why the hell do you look sane when I look like the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons and do you know how much I hate you?

LogicalMama

My sister's kids are mixed. She's white, baby daddy is Phillipino. They live in HI. People always ask my sister what country she adopted from, China? Even as she sat there breastfeeding, people would ask......

JJ Daddy-O

"I don't remember what life was like before the baby" is so versatile. It can mean:
"I used to have no life."
OR
"No, really, I am so sleep deprived I don't remember what life was like before the baby (or even yesterday)."
OR
"I am trying NOT to remember that I once had a life that consisted of more than diapers and puke- DIE, YOU CHILDLESS SWINE, DIE!"

Kathy

No, I don't need a nap, or an enema, for that matter. I just prefer not to kiss MetroDad's ass like the rest of you.

CroutonBoy

Dude, you're on a ROLL!

Joesmomma

Get a life Kathy. Or for that matter, at least a sense of effing humor!

Brat

Wow! Sure has a lot of hair! = Let it grow long to cover up the ugly face!

[Sad to say I've used this one... *sigh* ]

Her Bad Mother

She's so confident! (translation: she's a thug. Control her.)

Deanna

Being half-Japanese and half-white, my siblings and I heard the word "exotic" thrown at us so much that if I'd gotten paid a nickel for each time I'd heard it, it would have paid for my college education. THAT one was right on!

From my life:
As a teenager, when I was out with my little sister (14 year age difference): "How old is she? And how old are YOU?" Translation: Are you her mother?

The follow-up to that was "My, you have a large family!" Translation: Do you all have the same father?

Awesome post, MD.

Kara at Capebuffalo

I couldn't get you trackback to work... here's a post in your honor

http://capebuffalo.blogspot.com/2007/05/stepfords-very-own-babelfish.html

Thatcher

As always, your tongue-in-cheek perspective on parenting cracks me up. Thank God there's someone to point out the "lighter" side of parenting. Great stuff, MD!

Colleen

"where does he get that lovely red hair?" = "is he yours" or as I like to think of these people, "I'm an idiot and have no idea that blondes can give birth to red-heads". My hair is naturally a dark strawberry blonde, so I could never figure out why it was such a big stretch from strawberry blonde to bright red-blonde hair. Plus, my husband has some red in his dark brown hair and beard.

Kathy

Oh, "get a life," joesmamma. Touche! Great comeback! You're a comic genius! From the horse's mouth: ". . . parents rarely ever say what they actually mean." This is what I'm reacting too. I disagree! Get over it! Not everyone lies. Not everyone is full of shit. There's no need to react to every person you meet with suspicion and reduce them to a stereotype. But if this gets you through your MTV life, so be it.

JJ Daddy-O

Um, nice buzzkill Kathy, et al.
Perhaps you have mistaken this blog for Free Republic or something?

jd

I use "what's your name? (said to baby)" ALL the time, because there's no gender neutral singular pronoun in English that's appropriate for humans and parents tend to get upset if you guess wrong. (Dude it's a baby! The only way to tell is to check and at that point, you'd be calling the cops! Cut me some slack.)I suppose I could ask "What's it's name?" but I imagine that would be worse.

BossLady

Wow, Kathy. MD never responds to playa haters like you but as his wife, I have to say something. You're right: there are many many people out there who express their opinions explicitly and not through veiled insults. But that's just stating the obvious, isn't it? And, yes, who in their righteous mind would want to be reduced to a simple stereotype? That's where you're missing the point, I think. It's called sarcasm. It's a break from thinking about the mortgage, or your kid's education, or the fact that you've just been hospitalized and they still don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. Trust me, we're very far from living an MTV life. But, thanks for stereotyping us! We like that one. Better than us being Asian math geniuses. Although I am one... and I know it and I'll let everyone else know it. Okay, I'm popping a Xanex now and driving to the Hamptons for a weekend of hard core partying with drink and blow.... Gotta live that MTV life, you know!

Mitch McDad

I have one:

"That's OK honey, it happens to everybody once in a while. It's no big deal."

Oh, wait, that's for something else. Nevermind.

Phoenix

BossLady, you rock. Just had to say it. Do you have a blog too?

MD, your comments are so fun to read. I love coming here. I don't even have kids yet, but you crack my ass up. I also love that you don't respond to haters. Can't understand why they'd bother with 90 million other blogs out there to read. Oh well.

To the woman, oh shit let me see if I can find her name again, ah yes, Sheri. I was born with Lazy Eye in both eyes and the sad thing is every time I'm over tired and my eye wanders, some idiot feels they need to tell me that my eye is wandering and how I should fix it. 27 years later! I kind of like it myself. It's one of my defining features.

BOSSY

What A Little Darling: You better pay for that broken lamp.

KG

These are hilarious, scary and true, MD -- especially that last set.

Our Pumpkin was crying on a plane trip once -- really crying -- and we had a hard time settling him down. A woman a few rows up walked back to us with a big smile on her face and said, "Is he hungry?" We said, "No, he just ate." Then she offered something to us: "Would he like an apple?" Confused, we shook our heads no. She lingered, then left.

Later we realized that both questions were her way as asking, "Would you PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get that baby to stop crying NOW!?!?!?!?!"

KG

Oh, oops. That would be "...her way OF asking".

Silly typos jumping all into my comment. ;)

Kathy

Oh, that was supposed to be sarcasm? And here I thought it was just being needlessly unkind bordering on cruel. Now that you have set me straight, I will happily sew my little "H" (for "Hoverer) on my jumpsuit so you can tell me apart from the other "types." After you get your book deal and go on the Tyra show to hawk it (not heartwarming or squishy enough for Oprah, unfortunately), you can make T-shirts depicting all the "types" you have invented so that MD won't need to go to playgrounds and sit there with his notepad trying to pigeonhole everyone into types. Everyone can just label themselves.

Mama Bear

That's such a cute age. = I remember when my kids used to like me. Wait until they get older and hate your guts.
Aaaah, yes, for those of us who are parents of teens this one rings a bell. I have said this, many times, this week. Miss 13 and Mr 17 think I am the biggest pain around, oh and I don't let them do anything, and I'm overprotective... the list goes on and on and on. Sigh.... at least Miss 9 still loves me. ;) But I'm sure that won't last too much longer. Luckily, I had them all before I was 30, so by the time I'm 48... oh wait... Miss 9 says she's never moving out!

Kris

I love this!

My favorite is:
"The school wasn't really a good fit for her. = She got kicked out."

Because my son really did get kicked out of his first preschool, and I really do say "It wasn't a good fit."

What? It wasn't!!

Jesse

Actually the perfect response to "Where did s/he get those beautiful curls" would be...

"The FedEx guy." ;-)

greg from dt

For me, some of these are things I think I hear, not necessarily things someone else is secretly thinking. So it's not just about someone sugarcoating or lying--or just trying to be chirpy or polite, even--it's my own paranoia as a parent.

When I say, "How old is your baby?" it's actually meant to elicit a gender-pronoun or a name, not my way of saying "Dude, is your kid a hermaphrodite?"

cam c.

I've used this one:
Yeah, my daughter is tall for her age... = holy crap your kid is tiny for a 3 year old...

M.A. Smith

I was a good 10 years older than my siblings, so I commonly had people just outright ask if they were my kids (I babysat them a lot). They got answered with a "No" and a look at them like they were dumb. I would have loved it if one of those people asked me how old they were instead of being so blunt about that question (and the answer to their ages should have answered the one about me being their parent).

Paul

Or this one which I've used:

Well, she started walking and climbing early... = Is it my fault that your kid isn't walking well at 16 months?

My recent favorite from the other side is "Well, it seems like you're really trying to do the best for her". Translated, this means "Divorce makes you and your kid dangerous pariahs who might taint us and our children." And "She seems so well-adjusted" means "She's not in therapy yet?"

NinjaDad

Fucking what the Fuck?! = Your baby just threw a tiny shuriken into my earhole

Marla

"Kids say the darndest things!" = "Wow, your toddler just dropped the F-bomb!"

the undergrad

haha this is amazing! my brother just had his second, and he says these all the time!
one for the doctor's realm:'you wont feel a thing" *snaps glove*

translation: thid=s is gunna hurt like hell. prepare yourself.

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