Once you have a child, it's inevitable that you will be drawn into many long and boring parenting conversations with both friends and complete strangers.
However, after awhile, you'll begin to realize that parents rarely ever say what they actually mean. Many of them use these weird passive-aggressive phrases to obscure their true thoughts.
In the interest of science and my ongoing anthropological study of parenting, I've compiled some common parenting phrases and their hidden subtext. I hope this proves to be especially useful for any of you newbies out there who haven't spent much time around other parents!
Parenting Phrase = True Meaning
What an adorable little newborn baby! = Holy shit, your kid is ugly!
I don't remember what life was like before the baby. = I used to have no life.
That's so great your child loves Chicken McNuggets. = Why don't you just feed your kid out of the dumpster?
Maybe we'll do a playdate next weekend? = Dude, can you please watch my kid next Saturday so I can get some free time to myself? I'm begging you!
We're so tired by the end of the day. = We haven't had sex in ages!
She has your ears. = Man, that kid looks NOTHING like you. Are you sure you're really the father? I think you seriously need to consider taking a paternity test.
We're not sure when we're having another one. = We're not sure we even WANT another kid. The one we have right now is totally kicking our asses! How the hell do people have more than one kid?
Wow, it looks like they're really hitting it off. = Crap, our kids seem to really like each other. Does this mean that you and I will have to spend time together? I sure hope not.
He sure does have a lot of energy! = Your kid is a hyperactive monster! He must drive you completely insane. I pity you.
Your outfit looks so comfortable. = Grungy sweatpants, a food-stained t-shirt, ponytail in a baseball cap? You look like shit, woman! Have you completely given up on personal hygiene already?
It must be so great having a nanny to help out. = How come you have a nanny when you don't even work?
It's nice that he has such a good appetite. = Your kid is a gluttonous slob who eats like a trucker. Never in my entire life have I ever seen anyone inhale a pizza so quickly. No wonder he looks like a sumo wrestler!
We missed the pitter patter of little feet. = The damn vasectomy didn't work!
Parenting was so much different when I was your age. = We didn't complain like you do. Stop whining. I worked 2 jobs, had 4 kids, and never had anyone to help me out. EVER!
That's such a cute age. = I remember when my kids used to like me. Wait until they get older and hate your guts.
Looks like you could fit a whole soccer team in that car! = Since you have a minivan, can you drive my kids to the soccer game next week?
The school wasn't really a good fit for her. = She got kicked out.
Your daughter looks like a little China doll. = Your daughter is Asian.
I love your daughter's curly locks. = Your daughter is Black.
Your daughter has such a beautiful skintone. = Your daughter is Latino.
She's so exotic looking. = Your daughter is mixed-race.
Did I miss anything or leave any out? Feel free to add your own.