The Eight Types of Playground Parents

BossLady and I love taking the Peanut to different playgrounds all over New York City.  Not only do we like the fact that the physical diversity of them is so interesting but we also enjoy exposing the Peanut to different neighborhoods around the city.  Over the past two years, we've taken her to playgrounds from Chinatown to Harlem. 

But no matter where we go to in this city, we tend to find the same types of playground parents everywhere!

With that in mind, MetroDad presents "The Eight Types of Playground Parents," a detailed anthropological study of homos parentus.  Enjoy...

THE HOVERER
Species: Worrius Protectus
Signature Behavior: Standing within 12 inches of their child at all times!
Distinctive Markings: First aid kit fanny pack, anti-bacterial wipes, furrowed brow
Natural Enemies: Unsupervised children
Mating Call: "Wait for mommy! Don't climb that!"

The hoverer is usually a woman, most often the mother of an only child whom she protects like the last surviving member of the Hapsburg family.

She's the one who is constantly worried that her child might fall down at any given moment and it's her responsibility to make sure that NEVER happens!  When the kid is climbing the jungle gym, she puts her hand on his behind.  When he's going down the slide, she's always right there to catch him at the bottom.  If he's on the swing, someone must be standing both in front of him AND behind him at all times.

Hoverers are sometimes known as "helicoptor parents."  They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not.  Although the umbilical cord may have been cut at birth, the Hoverer believes that her children could not possibly survive without her.

.

THE EXECUTIVE DAD
Species: Blackberryus Irritatus
Signature Behavior: Text-messaging the office
Distinctive Markings: Blackberry, Bluetooth headset, Hermes tie
Natural Enemies: Hippies, SAHDs, and anyone not in the corporate rat race
Mating Call: "Hold on a sec, kiddo. Daddy's on a very important conference call."

You can always spot Executive Dad out of a crowd.  He's the one who looks most out of his element and speaks to his children the same way he speaks to secretaries, first-year analysts, paralegals, or interns. Playground sightings of Executive Dad are extremely rare.  Usually, he defers playground duties to the nanny.

Don't ask Executive Dad to change a diaper.  He's never done that his entire life.  He tends to know very little about his children.  In fact, when pressed, Executive Dad might admit that children were actually his wife's idea.  He would have been happy just driving a new Porsche or lowering his golf handicap!

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CRAZY PTA MOM
Species: Insanus Multitaskus
Signature Behavior: Regulating every single minute of her child's free time
Distinctive Markings: Google calendar on Treo, Violin, Tae Kwan Do outfit
Natural Enemies: Slacker moms
Mating Call: "If we're going to make it to Suzuki on time, we have to leave RIGHT NOW!"

On the surface, PTA mom looks very normal.  Sensibly dressed, practical, and completely genial.  However, upon closer inspection, you'll notice that PTA mom bears a strong resemblance to a strung-out crystal meth addict.  She is a blur of non-stop action!

When she's not lobbying parents in the playground to help with the latest bake sale fundraiser, she's organizing tupperware parties, running triathlons, and volunteering at the local hospital.  Her child's schedule is similarly regulated.  No child of hers is going to lollygag the day away in a sandbox! 

In the playground, PTA mom can often be heard instructing her children how to play properly.  However, this usually doesn't last long because it's often time to head out for the next activity.  Some biologists believe that natural PTA moms do not really exist and that the phenomenon is due to a narcotic addiction to Ritalin!

.

HIPSTER DAD
Species: Nealus Pollackus
Signature Behavior: Reading Spin magazine while sitting in the swing set
Distinctive Markings: "Dead Kennedys" t-shirt, rocker shades, Seven jeans, Vans
Natural Enemies: The Wiggles, Elmo, Yuppie scum
Mating Call: "Let's blow this sappy joint, kiddo, and go home to spin some vinyl."

Every playground has a hipster dad.  Generally a man clinging to the last vestiges of his youth, he can often be seen wearing the same clothing as his children.  That's cool though because he's tight with his kids.  They don't "play" together per se.  They "hang."

Hipster Dad tends to be relatively self-consumed.  Whereas he believes that he is simply not allowing the presence of children in his life to alter his previously childless lifestyle, he generally fails to realize that he has himself become a cliche.  However, despite his failings, Hipster Dads are generally excellent parents who spend much time interacting with their children.

Hipster Dads are rarely seen in playgrounds.  However, they can often be found accompanying their children to used-record stores, alternative concerts, or Fellini film festivals.

.

SOHO MOM
Species: Shabbius Chicus
Signature Behavior: Pretending to play in the sandbox
Distinctive Markings: Balenciaga hobo bag, Prada shades, shag haircut, Range Rover
Natural Enemies: Dirty children, uncooperative nannies, Mom jeans
Mating Call: "Mommy's going to Pilates now, honey, but Rosita will play with you."

Soho Mom is a sub-species of mother rarely seen outside of lower Manhattan.  She is recognizable by her meticulously-crafted ensembles that seem to display a casual insoucence but also belie her enormous wealth.  Sure, she's wearing jeans, a t-shirt and some low-tops. However, that outfit cost more than your monthly mortage payment!

Soho Mom rebels against the wealthy society women of previous generations.  However, in reality, she is extremely similar.  In fact, cultural anthropologists believe the development of Soho mom is a testament to Darwin's theories of evolution.  Years ago, Soho mom might have worn white gloves and a pillbox hat. Now, she rocks boho-chic with the best of them!

At the playground, you'll rarely see Soho Mom playing with her children. Usually she can be seen giving instructions to her nanny while flipping through the latest issue of Vogue.  Soho Mom considers her children to be the ultimate accessory so you'll often see them dressed in similar styles.   

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THE "PETER PAN" DAD
Species: Dadus Immaturus
Signature Behavior: Being chased by every kid in the playground, hogging slide
Distinctive Markings: Cargo pants, food-stained t-shirt, baseball cap on backwards
Natural Enemies: Grown-ups
Mating Call: "Who wants to play tag?"

Peter Pan Dad loves playing with children because it allows him to unleash his inner child. His general immaturity makes him the ideal playmate.  In fact, like many children, he often throws a tantrum when told that it's time to leave the playground and go home.  Frequently, Peter Pan Dad's wife feels like she's raising a family of children by herself!

At the playground, Peter Pan Dad is easy to spot.  He's the Pied Piper, leading all the kids through a wide array of activities.  He's like an enthusiastic camp counselor on steroids!  The good thing about Peter Pan Dad is that he usually tires easily.  His unbridled impetuosity is usually no match for his prolonged age.  After several hours in the playground, Peter Pan Dad can usually be found passed out on a park bench.

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THE BOOKWORM MOM
Species: Spectator Literatus
Signature Behavior: Reading Emily Dickinson on a bench while her child goes unattended
Distinctive Markings: Horn-rimmed glasses, wool shawl, PBS tote bag
Natural Enemies: Ernest Hemingway, Norman Mailer, Christopher Hitchens
Mating Call: "I'm sorry, honey. Did you say something?"

Bookworm Mom's natural environment is the Upper West Side of Manhattan or any liberal arts college town.  You can recognize her because her head is always buried in a book or the latest issue of the The New Yorker.  Sometimes, she will have hummus stains on her sensible cardigan sweater.  She may or may not have ink marks on her mouth from chewing on pens. 

Usually employed as an editor or academic, Bookworm Mom enjoys bringing her child to the playground.  While young Atticus plays with other members of his peer group, Bookworm Mom likes to sit underneath a tree, pondering the latest literary review from Joyce Carol Oates or reading that fascinating essay in the New York Review of Books comparing Spinoza to Gottfried Leibniz.  Sometimes, she gets so lost in her thoughts that she forgets to feed Atticus or change his diaper. 

However, despite her absentmindedness, she's usually a very responsible parent.  Compared to most playground parents, she's hermetically harmless.  In fact, you might not even notice she's there.

.

THE COACH DAD
Species: Homo Testosteronus
Signature Behavior: Threatening to beat up little kids
Distinctive Markings: Muscle tee, gym shorts, porn moustache
Natural Enemies: Civility, restraint, New Age parents
Mating Call: "I'll kick your ass!"

Coach Dad is like the Bobby Knight of parenting.  He's a bully, a lout, and a borderline psychotic.  Somewhere in his past, he was most likely a failed athlete or a wimp.  But make no mistake about it. Things are going to be different with his kid.

You'll often see Coach Dad berating his children at the playground for not throwing the ball far enough or for being afraid of going down the slide.  See, Coach Dad hates weakness of any kind.  No kid of his will be a spineless wimp!  Of course, this usually drives Coach Dad to insane extremes.  Frequently, he'll threaten young children who cut in front of his own progeny when going down the slide.  Other times, he'll even threaten their parents!

In his later years, Coach Dad can usually be found on the local news for beating up a Little League ref who had the audacity to call that third strike on his child.  Years of anger management classes usually do very little to temper Coach Dad.  Heart attacks, aneurysms, and road rage are the usual causes of death for Coach Dad. 

Personally, I'm reluctant to admit it but, aside from Coach Dad, I'm probably a cross between all of these types of parents.  Anyway, did I leave out any playground stereotypes here?  Are these types of parents only indigenous to Manhattan? What about where you live?  And what playground parent stereotype are YOU?

Comments

[Teresa]

What about Zombie Mom? The ones who are so stressed out from parenting that they're constantly walking around in a daze with that deer-in-the-headlights look on their faces?

[Spacecasie]

You forgot Forgetful (or Cheap) Mom. Mating call: Hey can I bum a wipe or two? Can you spare a diaper? All because they cant be fucked to bring their own......

[dadinprogress]

this list is the bomb. i've enocuntered all of them out here in the suburbs of Connecticut, too. one possible addition is "organic mom/dad" whose distinctive marks are yoga pants/windpants and t-shirt/tank top/hoodie and crocs with socks. natural enemies: anyone un-organic. the organic parents love to fancy themselves at one with the earth. they add wheat germ to everything and brag about being organic and all natural, but it's all for show. they secretly devour cheetos and pints of edy's ice cream when the neighbors aren't looking, but they put on the charade of being health conscious and are snobs about a food's origins. oh, it's not still ditry from being yanked out of the earth? we don't want it. it tastes like something other than cardboard? nope, not for us. we're organic. snacks at the playground consist of soy milk and rice cakes. children are usually bland and uninspired, and a faint grey color.

[Tyler]

That. Was. Rad.

Is being a combination of a few of those bad?

[haje]

One of the funniest posts about parenting that I've ever read. Funny how we all try to avoid these stereotypes. In reality, I've found that we're all individually all of these.

[Brat]

Man, you have to post more than once a week for me in order for me to keep you in my faves.

[Kathy]

Yes, EVERYone is a stupid asshole and worthy of derision, right? I guess I'm a Hoverer. Pardon the hell out of me if I'd like to keep my child safe on the playground, since she was a preemie and almost died many, many times during her long, protracted hospital stay. I already hate your oh-so-superior blog entries.

Oh, and contrary to what someone else said, please *don't* write a book.

[Joesmomma]

Kathy, honey, relax. You are taking this ALL too personally. We are all these people and personalities that he lists. It's satirical anthropological observation. We ALL see ourselves in these people. He is talking about ALL of us.

and...I am a hoverer too. I just am. Nothing wrong with it. I'm OK with it. I don't have to explain why I am...

Get it?

And if you are so offended by his writing - why do you keep reading his blog?

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

I came over from Doodaddy and had to comment. My husband is totally Peter Pan. Totally. Meanwhile, I think I am mix of all 8 actually. Well, except that Coach Dad thing.

[CroutonBoy]

totally awesome, dude. I think your list is a little Manhattan-specific (Soho Moms are hard to find in Brooklyn) and I might add some category for the dad who clearly only gets the kid on weekends and has no idea what he's doing, but otherwise spot-on.

You could add a whole chapter on playground nannies, too, just to frighten the bejesus out of anyone considering it...

[Wilson]

Great stuff. I'm a work-at-home consultant dad, which means I've got the (occasional)phone calls of the Execu-dad , the immature clothing of a hipster, and turn into a Peter Pan without much encouragement . And we've all got a bit of the hoverer in us, right?

Shouldn't there be a category for the SAH Dad/Mom that is desperate to engage in any conversation at all with another adult? I used to be that dad and I meet those moms all the time.

[CapeBuffalo]

You only pretend to be a fashion exec... you're really a parental anthropologist, right?

You forgot the
Upper East Side "Mom"
Species: anorexus menopausus Mayfloweria
Signature Behavior: not eating, staring at her watch
Distinctive Markings: paralyzed forhead, white, veiny hands, $700 loafers, sun hat
Natural Enemies: INS agents, earth mothers, admission committees
Mating Call: The act of speaking is too taxing~ Nanny has been off all afternoon.

Upper East Side mom is a rarely seen species as she perfers to spend most of her time indoors. UES Mom is amazingly well preserved but looks ill at ease with and bewildered by her own children. UES mom breeds because she's 'supposed to', also because offspring are insurance against inevitable Wife Number Two.'

[big daddy]

what about stoner dad? he's the one eating his kids snacks off in the corner of the playground. he's attentive to the safety of his child but kind of mellow and hates conversing with the other parents because of his paranoia that he'll come across as strange.

[Jane]

My husband shared this with me and I chuckled a bit. I am a bit of a hoverer and absolutely a sore thumb (you are not alone merseydotes!) but I can understand why kathy above would be so annoyed. Do we really need more stereotypes? Is it healthy to go to a playground and judge people because of their clothes and other demarcations? Is this what we want to teach our children? It's funny, but stereotypes can be damaging, and I think it is wise to be openminded about people and their ideas rather than belittling them via stereotypes. Just a thought.

[Kathy]

Thank goodness, another person agrees that some of this is downright insulting. This is the point where I saw RED: "When the kid is climbing the jungle gym, she puts her hand on his behind. When he's going down the slide, she's always right there to catch him at the bottom."

"The hoverer is usually a woman, most often the mother of an only child . . ." I also fail to see Teh Funny. Perhaps there is only one child because conceiving even one child was damn hard to do. In any case, hardly a cause for derision.

That really stung. That an observer would look at someone trying to prevent their kid from being hurt as a cause for parody is beyond me. It's already hard enough to have full-time care of a toddler, but to be criticized in a mean-spirited manner is just beyond.

Believe me, I know good parody. This ain't it.

[me]

I think the observer spends a lot of time at parks and realizes that, at times, he acts like that too.

you forgot over-whelmed mom/dad

over-whelmed parent has two or more children, who get to the park and run in opposite directions. While he / she is catching one kid who is falling off the slide, another kid runs straight into a garbage can.

[Kelsey]

Okay first, this made me laugh my head off. Im not a parent, but my parents were divorced so i would say my dad is 75% hipster dad, 25% peter pan dad and my mom was a bookworm but i would also want to say she was a soho mom because she left us with a nanny because she was a single mom

[Kelsey]

My mom was the gluten free mom too, her and my dad were also the hectic "where'd you go" leave without your kids type of parents. i totally agree. go round the state and write a book. it would be a hit

[Kelsey]

My mom was the gluten free mom too, her and my dad were also the hectic "where'd you go" leave without your kids type of parents. i totally agree. go round the state and write a book. it would be a hit

[Tessa]

i'm the hoverer...>.<

[Julia]

I was a Bookworm Mom for my first child and those early playground years. Three kids later and I've basically given up. So I'll be reading Us Weekly instead of the New Yorker and the stain will be special sauce instead of hummus.

What do I care I'm the only parent at the playground in Brooklyn Heights.

[Richard]

The mating calls were ingenius. Had me laughing my ass off.

[halfmama]

Whoah. I avoid clicking through to your comments because I get sucked in and then it takes me twice as long to get through your comments as it does your post. Since you, like, could start a TeenBeat-sized Fan Club. But I just sifted through for Kathy's comments, which are kind of entertaining me.

Keep on keepin' on MD. You're fucking hysterical. I love that BL wrote back to Kathy. She kind of kicks ass.

[Mommy Poppins]

Hey, wait, I'm a PTA Mom and I can prove in itemized detail and fewer than 100 words why you are wrong about people like me...oh, wait. DAMN!

Yes, controlling my children and my children's school wasn't enough. Now with my blog I can help all parents over-schedule and over-educate their children. Bwah hahahaha!

"Sippy cups are NOT for Chardonnay" is a boook that has similar musings about the various types of moms. (kinda like here)

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So funny, Mike. Love love loved it :)

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[pink ties]

I'm probably one of those hipster dads or something, although I still wear something formal like my old coat and my purple tie when I play with my kid in the park. I enjoy bonding with my kid all the time, in fact I treasure every moment. You guys should too, since when your kid finally grows up, opportunities like these won't come again; or at least not so often anymore.

-Cliff Spears

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