BossLady and I love taking the Peanut to different playgrounds all over New York City. Not only do we like the fact that the physical diversity of them is so interesting but we also enjoy exposing the Peanut to different neighborhoods around the city. Over the past two years, we've taken her to playgrounds from Chinatown to Harlem.
But no matter where we go to in this city, we tend to find the same types of playground parents everywhere!
With that in mind, MetroDad presents "The Eight Types of Playground Parents," a detailed anthropological study of homos parentus. Enjoy...
THE HOVERER
Species: Worrius Protectus
Signature Behavior: Standing within 12 inches of their child at all times!
Distinctive Markings: First aid kit fanny pack, anti-bacterial wipes, furrowed brow
Natural Enemies: Unsupervised children
Mating Call: "Wait for mommy! Don't climb that!"
The hoverer is usually a woman, most often the mother of an only child whom she protects like the last surviving member of the Hapsburg family.
She's the one who is constantly worried that her child might fall down at any given moment and it's her responsibility to make sure that NEVER happens! When the kid is climbing the jungle gym, she puts her hand on his behind. When he's going down the slide, she's always right there to catch him at the bottom. If he's on the swing, someone must be standing both in front of him AND behind him at all times.
Hoverers are sometimes known as "helicoptor parents." They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not. Although the umbilical cord may have been cut at birth, the Hoverer believes that her children could not possibly survive without her.
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THE EXECUTIVE DAD
Species: Blackberryus Irritatus
Signature Behavior: Text-messaging the office
Distinctive Markings: Blackberry, Bluetooth headset, Hermes tie
Natural Enemies: Hippies, SAHDs, and anyone not in the corporate rat race
Mating Call: "Hold on a sec, kiddo. Daddy's on a very important conference call."
You can always spot Executive Dad out of a crowd. He's the one who
looks most out of his element and speaks to his children the same way
he speaks to secretaries, first-year analysts, paralegals, or interns.
Playground sightings of Executive Dad are extremely rare. Usually, he
defers playground duties to the nanny.
Don't ask Executive Dad to change a diaper. He's never done that his entire life. He tends to know very little about his children. In fact, when pressed, Executive Dad might admit that children were actually his wife's idea. He would have been happy just driving a new Porsche or lowering his golf handicap!
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CRAZY PTA MOM
Species: Insanus Multitaskus
Signature Behavior: Regulating every single minute of her child's free time
Distinctive Markings: Google calendar on Treo, Violin, Tae Kwan Do outfit
Natural Enemies: Slacker moms
Mating Call: "If we're going to make it to Suzuki on time, we have to leave RIGHT NOW!"
On the surface, PTA mom looks very normal. Sensibly dressed, practical, and completely genial. However, upon closer inspection, you'll notice that PTA mom bears a strong resemblance to a strung-out crystal meth addict. She is a blur of non-stop action!
When she's not lobbying parents in the playground to help with the latest bake sale fundraiser, she's organizing tupperware parties, running triathlons, and volunteering at the local hospital. Her child's schedule is similarly regulated. No child of hers is going to lollygag the day away in a sandbox!
In the playground, PTA mom can often be heard instructing her children how to play properly. However, this usually doesn't last long because it's often time to head out for the next activity. Some biologists believe that natural PTA moms do not really exist and that the phenomenon is due to a narcotic addiction to Ritalin!
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HIPSTER DAD
Species: Nealus Pollackus
Signature Behavior: Reading Spin magazine while sitting in the swing set
Distinctive Markings: "Dead Kennedys" t-shirt, rocker shades, Seven jeans, Vans
Natural Enemies: The Wiggles, Elmo, Yuppie scum
Mating Call: "Let's blow this sappy joint, kiddo, and go home to spin some vinyl."
Every playground has a hipster dad. Generally a man clinging to the
last vestiges of his youth, he can often be seen wearing the same
clothing as his children. That's cool though because he's tight with
his kids. They don't "play" together per se. They "hang."
Hipster Dad tends to be relatively self-consumed. Whereas he believes that he is simply not allowing the presence of children in his life to alter his previously childless lifestyle, he generally fails to realize that he has himself become a cliche. However, despite his failings, Hipster Dads are generally excellent parents who spend much time interacting with their children.
Hipster Dads are rarely seen in playgrounds. However, they can often be found accompanying their children to used-record stores, alternative concerts, or Fellini film festivals.
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SOHO MOM
Species: Shabbius Chicus
Signature Behavior: Pretending to play in the sandbox
Distinctive Markings: Balenciaga hobo bag, Prada shades, shag haircut, Range Rover
Natural Enemies: Dirty children, uncooperative nannies, Mom jeans
Mating Call: "Mommy's going to Pilates now, honey, but Rosita will play with you."
Soho Mom is a sub-species of mother rarely seen outside of lower Manhattan. She is recognizable by her meticulously-crafted ensembles that seem to display a casual insoucence but also belie her enormous wealth. Sure, she's wearing jeans, a t-shirt and some low-tops. However, that outfit cost more than your monthly mortage payment!
Soho Mom rebels against the wealthy society women of previous generations. However, in reality, she is extremely similar. In fact, cultural anthropologists believe the development of Soho mom is a testament to Darwin's theories of evolution. Years ago, Soho mom might have worn white gloves and a pillbox hat. Now, she rocks boho-chic with the best of them!
At the playground, you'll rarely see Soho Mom playing with her children. Usually she can be seen giving instructions to her nanny while flipping through the latest issue of Vogue. Soho Mom considers her children to be the ultimate accessory so you'll often see them dressed in similar styles.
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THE "PETER PAN" DAD
Species: Dadus Immaturus
Signature Behavior: Being chased by every kid in the playground, hogging slide
Distinctive Markings: Cargo pants, food-stained t-shirt, baseball cap on backwards
Natural Enemies: Grown-ups
Mating Call: "Who wants to play tag?"
Peter Pan Dad loves playing with children because it allows him to unleash his inner child. His general immaturity makes him the ideal playmate. In fact, like many children, he often throws a tantrum when told that it's time to leave the playground and go home. Frequently, Peter Pan Dad's wife feels like she's raising a family of children by herself!
At the playground, Peter Pan Dad is easy to spot. He's the Pied Piper, leading all the kids through a wide array of activities. He's like an enthusiastic camp counselor on steroids! The good thing about Peter Pan Dad is that he usually tires easily. His unbridled impetuosity is usually no match for his prolonged age. After several hours in the playground, Peter Pan Dad can usually be found passed out on a park bench.
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THE BOOKWORM MOM
Species: Spectator Literatus
Signature Behavior: Reading Emily Dickinson on a bench while her child goes unattended
Distinctive Markings: Horn-rimmed glasses, wool shawl, PBS tote bag
Natural Enemies: Ernest Hemingway, Norman Mailer, Christopher Hitchens
Mating Call: "I'm sorry, honey. Did you say something?"
Bookworm Mom's natural environment is the Upper West Side of Manhattan or any liberal arts college town. You can recognize her because her head is always buried in a book or the latest issue of the The New Yorker. Sometimes, she will have hummus stains on her sensible cardigan sweater. She may or may not have ink marks on her mouth from chewing on pens.
Usually employed as an editor or academic, Bookworm Mom enjoys bringing her child to the playground. While young Atticus plays with other members of his peer group, Bookworm Mom likes to sit underneath a tree, pondering the latest literary review from Joyce Carol Oates or reading that fascinating essay in the New York Review of Books comparing Spinoza to Gottfried Leibniz. Sometimes, she gets so lost in her thoughts that she forgets to feed Atticus or change his diaper.
However, despite her absentmindedness, she's usually a very responsible parent. Compared to most playground parents, she's hermetically harmless. In fact, you might not even notice she's there.
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THE COACH DAD
Species: Homo Testosteronus
Signature Behavior: Threatening to beat up little kids
Distinctive Markings: Muscle tee, gym shorts, porn moustache
Natural Enemies: Civility, restraint, New Age parents
Mating Call: "I'll kick your ass!"
Coach Dad is like the Bobby Knight of parenting. He's a bully, a lout, and a borderline psychotic. Somewhere in his past, he was most likely a failed athlete or a wimp. But make no mistake about it. Things are going to be different with his kid.
You'll often see Coach Dad berating his children at the playground for not throwing the ball far enough or for being afraid of going down the slide. See, Coach Dad hates weakness of any kind. No kid of his will be a spineless wimp! Of course, this usually drives Coach Dad to insane extremes. Frequently, he'll threaten young children who cut in front of his own progeny when going down the slide. Other times, he'll even threaten their parents!
In his later years, Coach Dad can usually be found on the local news for beating up a Little League ref who had the audacity to call that third strike on his child. Years of anger management classes usually do very little to temper Coach Dad. Heart attacks, aneurysms, and road rage are the usual causes of death for Coach Dad.
Personally, I'm reluctant to admit it but, aside from Coach Dad, I'm probably a cross between all of these types of parents. Anyway, did I leave out any playground stereotypes here? Are these types of parents only indigenous to Manhattan? What about where you live? And what playground parent stereotype are YOU?
This was an swesome post!!! And I thikn my husband is a cross between the executive dad and the peter pan dad, crazy though that sounds. can i be the bookworm-cum-peterpan type? i think so. and hell.. you have these stereotypes in india too!
Posted by: | May 24, 2007 at 03:46 AM
I'm a combination of the Bookworm Mom, the Slacker Mom, and the Sore Thumb Mom. I don't own a cardigan, I hate hummus, I tend to bring a book to read, but it's usually not fine literature, and I rarely talk to other moms.
Around these parts we have yet another type of mom:
Sisterhood Mom
Species: Momus professionalis joo
Signature Behavior: Watching Ariana and Eliyahu playing at a distance while speaking to them in both conversational Hebrew with a smattering of Yiddish.
Distinctive Markings: Perfectly coiffed short haircut, sometimes covered, sometimes a scheitl, sometimes real hair. Long skirt, blouse with sleeves that cover elbows, sensible shoes, expensive designer purse, 3 carat diamond on finger, 2 carats in each ear, gold chai necklace, carries ArtScroll siddur, constantly looks at watch to make sure yeladim aren't going to make her late for Shabbas. Treats are rugulah, challah, kosher grape juice. Hechshers checked, b'ruchas said before and after eating.
Natural Enemies: Gentiles, Reform Jews, anyone she doesn't know from shul.
Mating Call: "Eliyahu, bo, at rotseh glida?"
Yeah. Fun for all!
Posted by: margalit | May 24, 2007 at 03:59 AM
Slicha, that should have been
"attah rotseh glida?" I forgot I was talking to the boy. With the kippah. And the tsitsit sticking out of his waist.
Posted by: margalit | May 24, 2007 at 04:00 AM
I think Soho Mom is related to Second Wife Mom. That's the woman who is the younger, good-looking wife of a man twice her age. Usually dumber than her pre-schooler, she speaks in a high-pitched baby voice and dresses like a Vegas showgirl. Everyone in the playground hates her.
Posted by: Janet | May 24, 2007 at 08:58 AM
LOL! Ironically we are heading to a playground today filled with SoHo and PTA Moms up here in CT. My friends and I are, what I like to think of as, a healty combo of all types above. I love reading your blog!
Posted by: Becca | May 24, 2007 at 09:06 AM
Haha too hilarious. LOVE yor posts :D Loved reading thru the comments aswell - very clever remarks all over :) Personally, I'm a scrapbooking mom. Yeah. That means I'm letting my kids do mostly whatever they want (as long as they're being good to other kids) & just stalking them taking lotsa pictures of every single move. There are SBmoms who instructs their kids to do this do that while having photoshots in the playground - I'm NOT one of them at least! I seem crazy enough as it is :)
Posted by: Ania | May 24, 2007 at 10:23 AM
OMG, Metrodad. I freaking love you! I was reading this post and thinking about how much of a resemblance that I had to Bookworm Mom. Then I started flipping through some recent issues of The New York Review of Books...and I saw that article about Gottfried Leibniz and Spinoza! I started cackling hilariously. I can't believe that was an actual article! And I LOVE that you read it. You totally crack me up!
Posted by: Momus Academius | May 24, 2007 at 11:14 AM
Brilliant, MD. Truly brilliant.
GUILT-TORN WORKING MOM
Species: afflictus guiltus
Signature behavior: heavy on the public displays of affection, picture-taking, gazing mesmerized, smiles incessantly.
Distinctive markings: cell phone/pager/telecommunications center on person. Often looks tired.
Natural enemies: SAHMs, The Office. Sleep.
Mating call: I LOVE YOU BABY!
The guilt-torn working mom loves her child with ferocity and needs to make every minute together count. Do not ruin her moment. She may be tired, but she can kiss ass when provoked.
Posted by: KC | May 24, 2007 at 12:15 PM
In San Francisco, Soho Mom would be Laurel Heights Mom, and she's be rockin' a white North Face vest, buttery blonde highlights and a Tiffany charm bracelet.
Posted by: Stefania/CityMama | May 24, 2007 at 12:19 PM
Um, that was 'kick ass'. Ha! That wasn't Freudian.
Posted by: KC | May 24, 2007 at 01:23 PM
Um, that was 'kick ass'. Ha! That wasn't Freudian.
Posted by: KC | May 24, 2007 at 01:25 PM
SHIT. I'm leaving now.
Posted by: KC | May 24, 2007 at 01:25 PM
I'm going to be Coach Dad. I know this. So, I will not let my son, if I have one, play football. It will be a Korean version of Varisty Blues.
If I have girls though, I will mainline them stright into Olympic taekwondo. Or cage fighting.
If I lived in the NYC, I would force my kids to go the Rucker to hoop it up.
Posted by: Mikeymike | May 24, 2007 at 01:38 PM
don't forget Ghetto Mom--sort of a juristictional subspecies of SoHo mom...but with tight-fitting clothing (won't say tacky since half of the designer clothing is awful) and 4-inch long nails which prevent her from interacting with her children physically. She is usually the one screeching from the sidelines to either correct her own child, or others whom she feels wronged her child. In some areas this mom may also be known as White Trash Mama.
I love the Sorority Mom...we have quite a few of those in Northern VA...and it seems that nearly every SAHM in this area is one of those Competitive/Nurture mothers...her children are the best, yours are nowhere close, and all because she breastfed them until they were 4, won't allow them to have any food that might be remotely refined, processed, or even pre-cut at the grocery store, and only shops at the 100% organic aisle at Whole Foods.
Posted by: Colleen | May 24, 2007 at 01:42 PM
PARK SLOPE MOM
Species: Parentus Militantus
Signature Behavior: Insisting to bring her Bugaboo into every restaurant on 7th Ave.
Distinctive Markings: Venti Macchiato,
Natural Enemies: Mankind, Logic, Reason
Mating Call: "I told you when we were at the food coop! No manostinos until after dinner."
Park Slope Mom is annoying, self-righteous, and has lots of free time on her hands. You'll find her at the playground ALL THE TIME! She practically lives there (or at least the nanny does.)
Can you tell I'm bitter?
Posted by: Park Slope Playa Hater | May 24, 2007 at 01:48 PM
Shit! Although I love my kids dearly, I am totally Executive Dad...at least on the surface. I pick up the kids every day straight from work and take them to the playground so usually I'm in a suit, carrying my briefcase, holding my Blackberry, with a bluetooth headset in my ear. God, I'm such a cliche!
My kids always ask me why I don't wear jeans like all the other dads.
Posted by: Jason | May 24, 2007 at 01:55 PM
Quite frankly, I celebrate the fact I'm a Hoverhipsterpan Dad.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ensure my son doesn't jump off the couch and land on my Grateful Dead shirt before I have the chance to make a landing area big enough for both of us.
Posted by: Mark D | May 24, 2007 at 02:12 PM
Technoworker Parent
Species: Technoworkius parentus
Signature behavior: checking e-mail, reading blogs, catching up on administrative work
Distinctive markings: T-shirt and comfortable shorts, flip flops, pasty skin
Natural enemies: craft-project mom
Mating call: Separate from each other! No, you've watched too much TV today already
Technoworkius parentus (which comes in both male and female forms) is rarely found at the playground, preferring to stay within the radius of his or her home computer network. The children of technoworker parent are encouraged to play by themselves in the backyard (isn't that what the fence is for?), so that mommy or daddy can either work on the computer upstairs or (on weekends) get housework done; the children get extra dessert if their activities include playing catch with the dogs. Technoworker parents may sometimes join the family by sitting on the porch with a laptop, and consider their hands-off parenting style to encourage independence and creativity in their children.
Posted by: L | May 24, 2007 at 02:25 PM
I'm a west coast mom but was raised in the midwest and I think that stuck with me. I was online last night looking up the rules to Kick the Can. I am beyond sentimental about the way I was raised and am constantly trying to reinvent the past for my kids. Not sure what that makes me other than unrealistic but I keep on trying.
Posted by: liz | May 24, 2007 at 02:57 PM
LOL! THIS is the funniest post!
I think I'm a Referee Mom...
Species: Rules Enforcesus
Signature behavior: following kids around to make sure everyone plays nicely and has fun
Distinctive markings: wagon, bike helmet, basketball, stick, soccer ball
Natural enemies: dirt, bigger kids who play on the little kids' equipment
Mating call: "Take turns! No pushing! I told you to SHARE!! And don't put that in your mouth!!"
Related to the Hoverer, the Referee Mom usually can be spotted with more than one child, and often children who are not related to her. Due to the larger numbers, the Referee Mom is constantly on duty to make sure that all children under her jurisdiction are behaving properly, having fun, and staying as clean as reasonably possible while remembering that she does have both Shout gel and the Tide-to-go pen in the diaper bag. The Referee Mom also comes prepared with an assortment of sports equipment/wheeled toys to keep kids occupied until it is time to go home,the end of the play date, or the sun sets. Referee Moms can also be found in the average home backyard, trying to keep the peace between siblings fighting over the same ball and keeping the boy from eating bark or licking rocks. Outdoor play can be very stressful for the Referee Mom and she will often join forces with other Referee Moms to act as de facto law enforcement to keep the peace, because we just want everybody to be HAPPY!!! Is that too much to ask??
Posted by: Deanna | May 24, 2007 at 06:40 PM
I hate to admit it, but I actually started off as "The Hoverer" and grdually slid down the scale to become "Bookworm Mom"... Granted, it is in my own backyard... But, still...
Posted by: JewJewBee | May 24, 2007 at 07:36 PM
Great Post, MD.
Question...Do you EVER sleep?
Between what you read and what you write (and your job and the Peanut & Bosslady), OMFG...where do you find the time?
I'd like to know your secret.
This post IS hilariously funny. I remember ALL of these types. During the playground stage, I was a bit of overworked, mixed with hipster and a bit of coach thrown in. My wife was Over-Protective Mom. Playgrounds were EVIL. The firstborn didn't get to play with mud until he was seven and didn't learn to ride a bike until 10!
Posted by: LeeMarvin | May 24, 2007 at 08:40 PM
I stumbled upon your site on the web. This post was so true that it's scary. I wanted to address the crazed PTA mom.
For those moms/dads doing the bake sales and raffles and have had enough, I thought I would share with you an interesting fundrasing program a friend of mine told me a few weeks ago. It's called iBakeSale. It's sort of a rewards program that gives you cash back for shopping at hundreds of retailers in the program and allows you to keep the cash-back or donate it to any type of common cause with other supporters.
It makes raising money for charity/school/church easy and free. You should check it out if you get the time. I've used it for a few events in my area and it's been great. Good luck with the fundraiser.
Posted by: JTreiber | May 24, 2007 at 11:45 PM
OK, I am STILL laughing at the description of "Bookworm Mom"--that's basically me. I think I'm the only mom who has pushed her child on the swings while holding a book in the other hand.
That being said, I do my fair share of hovering. Hey, she's a toddler!
GREAT post!
Posted by: Mardougrrl | May 25, 2007 at 12:01 AM
OMG, MD, this is SOOOOOOOOOOOO right on! And hilarious. And accurate!
Helicopter mom -- ha! I've done that a few times.
The mating calls -- you are an anthropologist in those parks doing research, you know. Admit it --- you're in those parks with your urban safari hat, binoculars, and notebook, jotting it all down...
Posted by: KG | May 25, 2007 at 01:29 AM
This post is right on the money! I'm a non-parent living in NYC and I think you nailed these types perfectly. Thanks for making me laugh!
Posted by: Joanna | May 25, 2007 at 09:24 AM
Metrodad,
Did you see the article in GQ this month (the one with Jessica Alba on the cover)? Similar topic, both funny.
Posted by: oh yeah! | May 25, 2007 at 11:18 AM
This post is freaking hilarious, MD!
With my first child, I was the consummate Hoverer.
With the second, I was uber PTA Mom.
Now with my third? I'm totally Bookworm Mom.
Posted by: Leslie | May 25, 2007 at 11:31 AM
This is too funny, MD.
My kids are too old to go to the playground these days (their words, not mine) but I have noticed that I see all these same species in the aisles of Trader Joes.
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | May 25, 2007 at 02:39 PM
This was great! I found your site from somebody's link and just spent the past few hours reading all your archives. Thanks for helping me kill time at work before the holiday and making me laugh so hard that my coworkers are all looking at me funny!
Posted by: Susan | May 25, 2007 at 03:01 PM
I think I may be the Crazy PTA Mom. Oh, well...
Very funny!
Posted by: Mama Luxe | May 25, 2007 at 03:25 PM
Which one are you?
Posted by: Sue | May 25, 2007 at 03:52 PM
I have no doubt that my hubby will be the PeterPanDad with just a little CoachDad thrown in (after all he is already a coach). No clue for myself. Perhaps the Momma with the amused look on her face as she watches her hubby act more like a kid than her kid!
But the one thing I really want to know is what kind of Dad you are, MD?
Posted by: Momma Em | May 25, 2007 at 03:53 PM
In the interests of full disclosure (and because so many of you have asked,) I am totally Peter Pan Dad.
Surprised?
Whenever I'm at the local playground, I'm constantly in motion: playing with toy tractors in the sandbox, organizing games of tag, hanging off the bars, making paper airplanes, or playing "monkey in the middle."
I guess it's safe to say that my "inner child" wasn't really very far from the surface.
Posted by: METRODAD | May 25, 2007 at 04:06 PM
I totally had you pegged as a Peter Pan Dad. My hubs is the same way. He's like a massively overgrown kid. This is a man who takes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to work!
Posted by: Susannah | May 25, 2007 at 05:28 PM
Jennifer — West L.A. isn't the only West Coast place to find Soho Mom. Playgrounds in Silver Lake, Los Feliz and most points east of Hollywood are all crawling with women sporting spotless hipster goddess gear, flawless figures and perfectly imperfect hair (yes, I have actually seen a Balenciaga bag thrown carelessly at the foot of the slide)...though mostly only on the weekends!
Posted by: L-A | May 25, 2007 at 09:43 PM
I think I was the crazed PTA Mom until I hit the wall. Now I am a mix of all depending on the day ! The SF Bay Area has a strange mix of hippy/tech moms.Families that create technology, but have no t.v.
Posted by: Pamela | May 25, 2007 at 11:12 PM
Greatest. Post. Evah. Leibniz and Spinoza references in one post? I heart you, man.
I don't even want to tell you that you spelled "insouciance" wrong.
Call me "spelling bee mom."
Posted by: Glennia | May 26, 2007 at 12:31 AM
Excellent fooking list. Bossy is more the Crack Ho playground mom: Denialator Avoidicus.
Posted by: BOSSY | May 26, 2007 at 10:35 AM
What "type" are you and your wife?
Posted by: bianca | May 26, 2007 at 11:13 AM
Whoa how can you ignore the rapidly spreading blogging Dad? Sits around chats people up and every now and then laughs to himself at the post he's writing in his head or whips out a crazy expensive camera to take a wierd angle shot of the slide. Sometimes wears ridiculously large spinning red police siren light on his head and a "I Know MetroDad" T-Shirt.
Posted by: Henri | May 26, 2007 at 02:13 PM
This is a hilarious post. Just saw your picture in this months KoreAm journal. MetroDad is pretty hot.
Posted by: janet | May 26, 2007 at 04:33 PM
This is too briliant - destined to be emailed and linked to for years to come. (Nealus Pollackus? Hilarious.)
I am fond of the Peter Pan Dad myself, seeing as how one fathered my children. It certainly gives me more time to be the bookworm mom on the playground.
Posted by: Mom101 | May 26, 2007 at 07:36 PM
A lot of those types would fail to thrive out here in west Texas. Manhattan supports some peculiar sorts not found elsewhere in the world.
Posted by: KC | May 26, 2007 at 09:00 PM
Found you via this month's KoreaAm. I'm with Janet. You're funny, cool, and a total hottie. Do you have a brother?
Posted by: Sara C. | May 27, 2007 at 02:17 AM
This is hilarious! I live in the U.K. and I see a lot of the same stereotypes
Posted by: Linda | May 27, 2007 at 02:36 AM
The Social Worker Parent
Species: Magnus Educatus
Signature Behavior: Hugging it out
Distinctive Markings: Flowing gowns/old protest t-shirts
Natural Enemies: anyone with a brain
Mating Call: “tell me how you feel”
Social worker Mom/Dad are the ex hippies/flower children wanna bees of the playground. Their flowing natural fiber tie-dyed outfits/Birks/and signature stench of patchouli and organic peanut butter (served on locally grown wheat crackers, purchased at a food co-op run by Lesbian, Communist Buddhist Nuns in a socially aware but lovingly gentrified neighborhood with just the right amount of minorities) are the bane of the other parents who did NOT study Piaget, Montessori and Froebel and sport Freud tattoos on their unshaven ankles.
These parents will enter into a dispute between two children like they are negotiating a hostage release. Feelings will be discussed, stern, disapproving (but loving) looks will be given and all parties will be required to hug it out when a simple “STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW!” will suffice.
Seriously: we were on the beach in Saugatuck, MI for Family Week last year and one of these parents was running around the beach, flapping their arms, trying to get the kids to follow them. “C’mon kids, let’s pretend to be seagulls! Squawk, squawk! Weee! Look at me, I’m a seagull! C’mon kids!” The children: ages 6 to 13 looked at said parent as if they were MIA from Freak Camp and slowly backed away from them. Hey Hippy, put down your bong for five minutes and realize that kids will be kids, and they will do what they want, when they want. Especially at that age.
Posted by: tom | May 27, 2007 at 07:06 AM
My husband and I don't have kids, but I guess we would count as another species on the playground...guess you'd call us:
The Pseudo Mom/Dad
Natural Enemies: Anyone who says, "You're so good with kids...how come you don't have any?"
Mating Call: "No, that's not my son/daughter"
These adults don't have kids of their own, yet always show up on the playground with a different assortment of children at each visit...none of them looking like they're related to them. They are usually the aunt, uncle, godparent, or some other non-parent who gets to watch the children when the child's real parents are working, want to go on a date, or needs some time away from said child. Despite the fact that the "Pseudo Parent" has no children of their own, they've gained a reputation of being very good with children and therefore is the first line of defense when the child's real parent needs someone to watch their kids. Unfortunately, constantly watching other people's children is probably one reason why the Psuedo Parent don't have children of their own.
Posted by: Nicolette | May 27, 2007 at 04:53 PM
I agree with the slacker parent/ midwest... Recent girlscout picnic involved parents checking on kids periodically but mostly sitting on the benches chatting (plus there was a table where one of the girlscout leaders helped the girls do some activities)... and either myself or my husband chasing after the autistic 4 yr old who was stealing everyone's drinks (juiceboxes or tea)
I think my husbands a combination of aslacker parent and an antisocial peter pan dad. He'll be physically on the playground but pretty much only interacting w/ his own kids.
Posted by: navi | May 27, 2007 at 07:50 PM
I am chatty mom. I would be bookworm mom, but I'm afraid to appear neglectful in public. Instead, I keep an eye on Jane, without hovering, while trying to engage the other parents (sometimes successfully) in conversations about books or movies, anything but parenthood.
Posted by: metro mama | May 28, 2007 at 11:13 AM