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May 23, 2007

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This was an swesome post!!! And I thikn my husband is a cross between the executive dad and the peter pan dad, crazy though that sounds. can i be the bookworm-cum-peterpan type? i think so. and hell.. you have these stereotypes in india too!

margalit

I'm a combination of the Bookworm Mom, the Slacker Mom, and the Sore Thumb Mom. I don't own a cardigan, I hate hummus, I tend to bring a book to read, but it's usually not fine literature, and I rarely talk to other moms.

Around these parts we have yet another type of mom:

Sisterhood Mom

Species: Momus professionalis joo
Signature Behavior: Watching Ariana and Eliyahu playing at a distance while speaking to them in both conversational Hebrew with a smattering of Yiddish.
Distinctive Markings: Perfectly coiffed short haircut, sometimes covered, sometimes a scheitl, sometimes real hair. Long skirt, blouse with sleeves that cover elbows, sensible shoes, expensive designer purse, 3 carat diamond on finger, 2 carats in each ear, gold chai necklace, carries ArtScroll siddur, constantly looks at watch to make sure yeladim aren't going to make her late for Shabbas. Treats are rugulah, challah, kosher grape juice. Hechshers checked, b'ruchas said before and after eating.
Natural Enemies: Gentiles, Reform Jews, anyone she doesn't know from shul.
Mating Call: "Eliyahu, bo, at rotseh glida?"

Yeah. Fun for all!

margalit

Slicha, that should have been

"attah rotseh glida?" I forgot I was talking to the boy. With the kippah. And the tsitsit sticking out of his waist.

Janet

I think Soho Mom is related to Second Wife Mom. That's the woman who is the younger, good-looking wife of a man twice her age. Usually dumber than her pre-schooler, she speaks in a high-pitched baby voice and dresses like a Vegas showgirl. Everyone in the playground hates her.

Becca

LOL! Ironically we are heading to a playground today filled with SoHo and PTA Moms up here in CT. My friends and I are, what I like to think of as, a healty combo of all types above. I love reading your blog!

Ania

Haha too hilarious. LOVE yor posts :D Loved reading thru the comments aswell - very clever remarks all over :) Personally, I'm a scrapbooking mom. Yeah. That means I'm letting my kids do mostly whatever they want (as long as they're being good to other kids) & just stalking them taking lotsa pictures of every single move. There are SBmoms who instructs their kids to do this do that while having photoshots in the playground - I'm NOT one of them at least! I seem crazy enough as it is :)

Momus Academius

OMG, Metrodad. I freaking love you! I was reading this post and thinking about how much of a resemblance that I had to Bookworm Mom. Then I started flipping through some recent issues of The New York Review of Books...and I saw that article about Gottfried Leibniz and Spinoza! I started cackling hilariously. I can't believe that was an actual article! And I LOVE that you read it. You totally crack me up!

KC

Brilliant, MD. Truly brilliant.

GUILT-TORN WORKING MOM
Species: afflictus guiltus
Signature behavior: heavy on the public displays of affection, picture-taking, gazing mesmerized, smiles incessantly.
Distinctive markings: cell phone/pager/telecommunications center on person. Often looks tired.
Natural enemies: SAHMs, The Office. Sleep.
Mating call: I LOVE YOU BABY!

The guilt-torn working mom loves her child with ferocity and needs to make every minute together count. Do not ruin her moment. She may be tired, but she can kiss ass when provoked.


Stefania/CityMama

In San Francisco, Soho Mom would be Laurel Heights Mom, and she's be rockin' a white North Face vest, buttery blonde highlights and a Tiffany charm bracelet.

KC

Um, that was 'kick ass'. Ha! That wasn't Freudian.

KC

Um, that was 'kick ass'. Ha! That wasn't Freudian.

KC

SHIT. I'm leaving now.

Mikeymike

I'm going to be Coach Dad. I know this. So, I will not let my son, if I have one, play football. It will be a Korean version of Varisty Blues.

If I have girls though, I will mainline them stright into Olympic taekwondo. Or cage fighting.

If I lived in the NYC, I would force my kids to go the Rucker to hoop it up.

Colleen

don't forget Ghetto Mom--sort of a juristictional subspecies of SoHo mom...but with tight-fitting clothing (won't say tacky since half of the designer clothing is awful) and 4-inch long nails which prevent her from interacting with her children physically. She is usually the one screeching from the sidelines to either correct her own child, or others whom she feels wronged her child. In some areas this mom may also be known as White Trash Mama.
I love the Sorority Mom...we have quite a few of those in Northern VA...and it seems that nearly every SAHM in this area is one of those Competitive/Nurture mothers...her children are the best, yours are nowhere close, and all because she breastfed them until they were 4, won't allow them to have any food that might be remotely refined, processed, or even pre-cut at the grocery store, and only shops at the 100% organic aisle at Whole Foods.

Park Slope Playa Hater

PARK SLOPE MOM

Species: Parentus Militantus
Signature Behavior: Insisting to bring her Bugaboo into every restaurant on 7th Ave.
Distinctive Markings: Venti Macchiato,
Natural Enemies: Mankind, Logic, Reason
Mating Call: "I told you when we were at the food coop! No manostinos until after dinner."

Park Slope Mom is annoying, self-righteous, and has lots of free time on her hands. You'll find her at the playground ALL THE TIME! She practically lives there (or at least the nanny does.)

Can you tell I'm bitter?

Jason

Shit! Although I love my kids dearly, I am totally Executive Dad...at least on the surface. I pick up the kids every day straight from work and take them to the playground so usually I'm in a suit, carrying my briefcase, holding my Blackberry, with a bluetooth headset in my ear. God, I'm such a cliche!

My kids always ask me why I don't wear jeans like all the other dads.

Mark D

Quite frankly, I celebrate the fact I'm a Hoverhipsterpan Dad.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ensure my son doesn't jump off the couch and land on my Grateful Dead shirt before I have the chance to make a landing area big enough for both of us.

L

Technoworker Parent

Species: Technoworkius parentus

Signature behavior: checking e-mail, reading blogs, catching up on administrative work

Distinctive markings: T-shirt and comfortable shorts, flip flops, pasty skin

Natural enemies: craft-project mom

Mating call: Separate from each other! No, you've watched too much TV today already

Technoworkius parentus (which comes in both male and female forms) is rarely found at the playground, preferring to stay within the radius of his or her home computer network. The children of technoworker parent are encouraged to play by themselves in the backyard (isn't that what the fence is for?), so that mommy or daddy can either work on the computer upstairs or (on weekends) get housework done; the children get extra dessert if their activities include playing catch with the dogs. Technoworker parents may sometimes join the family by sitting on the porch with a laptop, and consider their hands-off parenting style to encourage independence and creativity in their children.

liz

I'm a west coast mom but was raised in the midwest and I think that stuck with me. I was online last night looking up the rules to Kick the Can. I am beyond sentimental about the way I was raised and am constantly trying to reinvent the past for my kids. Not sure what that makes me other than unrealistic but I keep on trying.

Deanna

LOL! THIS is the funniest post!

I think I'm a Referee Mom...
Species: Rules Enforcesus
Signature behavior: following kids around to make sure everyone plays nicely and has fun
Distinctive markings: wagon, bike helmet, basketball, stick, soccer ball
Natural enemies: dirt, bigger kids who play on the little kids' equipment
Mating call: "Take turns! No pushing! I told you to SHARE!! And don't put that in your mouth!!"

Related to the Hoverer, the Referee Mom usually can be spotted with more than one child, and often children who are not related to her. Due to the larger numbers, the Referee Mom is constantly on duty to make sure that all children under her jurisdiction are behaving properly, having fun, and staying as clean as reasonably possible while remembering that she does have both Shout gel and the Tide-to-go pen in the diaper bag. The Referee Mom also comes prepared with an assortment of sports equipment/wheeled toys to keep kids occupied until it is time to go home,the end of the play date, or the sun sets. Referee Moms can also be found in the average home backyard, trying to keep the peace between siblings fighting over the same ball and keeping the boy from eating bark or licking rocks. Outdoor play can be very stressful for the Referee Mom and she will often join forces with other Referee Moms to act as de facto law enforcement to keep the peace, because we just want everybody to be HAPPY!!! Is that too much to ask??

JewJewBee

I hate to admit it, but I actually started off as "The Hoverer" and grdually slid down the scale to become "Bookworm Mom"... Granted, it is in my own backyard... But, still...

LeeMarvin

Great Post, MD.

Question...Do you EVER sleep?

Between what you read and what you write (and your job and the Peanut & Bosslady), OMFG...where do you find the time?

I'd like to know your secret.

This post IS hilariously funny. I remember ALL of these types. During the playground stage, I was a bit of overworked, mixed with hipster and a bit of coach thrown in. My wife was Over-Protective Mom. Playgrounds were EVIL. The firstborn didn't get to play with mud until he was seven and didn't learn to ride a bike until 10!

JTreiber

I stumbled upon your site on the web. This post was so true that it's scary. I wanted to address the crazed PTA mom.

For those moms/dads doing the bake sales and raffles and have had enough, I thought I would share with you an interesting fundrasing program a friend of mine told me a few weeks ago. It's called iBakeSale. It's sort of a rewards program that gives you cash back for shopping at hundreds of retailers in the program and allows you to keep the cash-back or donate it to any type of common cause with other supporters.

It makes raising money for charity/school/church easy and free. You should check it out if you get the time. I've used it for a few events in my area and it's been great. Good luck with the fundraiser.

Mardougrrl

OK, I am STILL laughing at the description of "Bookworm Mom"--that's basically me. I think I'm the only mom who has pushed her child on the swings while holding a book in the other hand.

That being said, I do my fair share of hovering. Hey, she's a toddler!

GREAT post!

KG

OMG, MD, this is SOOOOOOOOOOOO right on! And hilarious. And accurate!

Helicopter mom -- ha! I've done that a few times.

The mating calls -- you are an anthropologist in those parks doing research, you know. Admit it --- you're in those parks with your urban safari hat, binoculars, and notebook, jotting it all down...

Joanna

This post is right on the money! I'm a non-parent living in NYC and I think you nailed these types perfectly. Thanks for making me laugh!

oh yeah!

Metrodad,

Did you see the article in GQ this month (the one with Jessica Alba on the cover)? Similar topic, both funny.

Leslie

This post is freaking hilarious, MD!

With my first child, I was the consummate Hoverer.

With the second, I was uber PTA Mom.

Now with my third? I'm totally Bookworm Mom.

sweatpantsmom

This is too funny, MD.

My kids are too old to go to the playground these days (their words, not mine) but I have noticed that I see all these same species in the aisles of Trader Joes.

Susan

This was great! I found your site from somebody's link and just spent the past few hours reading all your archives. Thanks for helping me kill time at work before the holiday and making me laugh so hard that my coworkers are all looking at me funny!

Mama Luxe

I think I may be the Crazy PTA Mom. Oh, well...

Very funny!

Sue

Which one are you?

Momma Em

I have no doubt that my hubby will be the PeterPanDad with just a little CoachDad thrown in (after all he is already a coach). No clue for myself. Perhaps the Momma with the amused look on her face as she watches her hubby act more like a kid than her kid!

But the one thing I really want to know is what kind of Dad you are, MD?

METRODAD

In the interests of full disclosure (and because so many of you have asked,) I am totally Peter Pan Dad.

Surprised?

Whenever I'm at the local playground, I'm constantly in motion: playing with toy tractors in the sandbox, organizing games of tag, hanging off the bars, making paper airplanes, or playing "monkey in the middle."

I guess it's safe to say that my "inner child" wasn't really very far from the surface.

Susannah

I totally had you pegged as a Peter Pan Dad. My hubs is the same way. He's like a massively overgrown kid. This is a man who takes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to work!

L-A

Jennifer — West L.A. isn't the only West Coast place to find Soho Mom. Playgrounds in Silver Lake, Los Feliz and most points east of Hollywood are all crawling with women sporting spotless hipster goddess gear, flawless figures and perfectly imperfect hair (yes, I have actually seen a Balenciaga bag thrown carelessly at the foot of the slide)...though mostly only on the weekends!

Pamela

I think I was the crazed PTA Mom until I hit the wall. Now I am a mix of all depending on the day ! The SF Bay Area has a strange mix of hippy/tech moms.Families that create technology, but have no t.v.

Glennia

Greatest. Post. Evah. Leibniz and Spinoza references in one post? I heart you, man.

I don't even want to tell you that you spelled "insouciance" wrong.

Call me "spelling bee mom."

BOSSY

Excellent fooking list. Bossy is more the Crack Ho playground mom: Denialator Avoidicus.

bianca

What "type" are you and your wife?

Henri

Whoa how can you ignore the rapidly spreading blogging Dad? Sits around chats people up and every now and then laughs to himself at the post he's writing in his head or whips out a crazy expensive camera to take a wierd angle shot of the slide. Sometimes wears ridiculously large spinning red police siren light on his head and a "I Know MetroDad" T-Shirt.

janet

This is a hilarious post. Just saw your picture in this months KoreAm journal. MetroDad is pretty hot.

Mom101

This is too briliant - destined to be emailed and linked to for years to come. (Nealus Pollackus? Hilarious.)

I am fond of the Peter Pan Dad myself, seeing as how one fathered my children. It certainly gives me more time to be the bookworm mom on the playground.

KC

A lot of those types would fail to thrive out here in west Texas. Manhattan supports some peculiar sorts not found elsewhere in the world.

Sara C.

Found you via this month's KoreaAm. I'm with Janet. You're funny, cool, and a total hottie. Do you have a brother?

Linda

This is hilarious! I live in the U.K. and I see a lot of the same stereotypes

tom

The Social Worker Parent
Species: Magnus Educatus
Signature Behavior: Hugging it out
Distinctive Markings: Flowing gowns/old protest t-shirts
Natural Enemies: anyone with a brain
Mating Call: “tell me how you feel”
Social worker Mom/Dad are the ex hippies/flower children wanna bees of the playground. Their flowing natural fiber tie-dyed outfits/Birks/and signature stench of patchouli and organic peanut butter (served on locally grown wheat crackers, purchased at a food co-op run by Lesbian, Communist Buddhist Nuns in a socially aware but lovingly gentrified neighborhood with just the right amount of minorities) are the bane of the other parents who did NOT study Piaget, Montessori and Froebel and sport Freud tattoos on their unshaven ankles.
These parents will enter into a dispute between two children like they are negotiating a hostage release. Feelings will be discussed, stern, disapproving (but loving) looks will be given and all parties will be required to hug it out when a simple “STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW!” will suffice.
Seriously: we were on the beach in Saugatuck, MI for Family Week last year and one of these parents was running around the beach, flapping their arms, trying to get the kids to follow them. “C’mon kids, let’s pretend to be seagulls! Squawk, squawk! Weee! Look at me, I’m a seagull! C’mon kids!” The children: ages 6 to 13 looked at said parent as if they were MIA from Freak Camp and slowly backed away from them. Hey Hippy, put down your bong for five minutes and realize that kids will be kids, and they will do what they want, when they want. Especially at that age.

Nicolette

My husband and I don't have kids, but I guess we would count as another species on the playground...guess you'd call us:

The Pseudo Mom/Dad
Natural Enemies: Anyone who says, "You're so good with kids...how come you don't have any?"
Mating Call: "No, that's not my son/daughter"

These adults don't have kids of their own, yet always show up on the playground with a different assortment of children at each visit...none of them looking like they're related to them. They are usually the aunt, uncle, godparent, or some other non-parent who gets to watch the children when the child's real parents are working, want to go on a date, or needs some time away from said child. Despite the fact that the "Pseudo Parent" has no children of their own, they've gained a reputation of being very good with children and therefore is the first line of defense when the child's real parent needs someone to watch their kids. Unfortunately, constantly watching other people's children is probably one reason why the Psuedo Parent don't have children of their own.

navi

I agree with the slacker parent/ midwest... Recent girlscout picnic involved parents checking on kids periodically but mostly sitting on the benches chatting (plus there was a table where one of the girlscout leaders helped the girls do some activities)... and either myself or my husband chasing after the autistic 4 yr old who was stealing everyone's drinks (juiceboxes or tea)

I think my husbands a combination of aslacker parent and an antisocial peter pan dad. He'll be physically on the playground but pretty much only interacting w/ his own kids.

metro mama

I am chatty mom. I would be bookworm mom, but I'm afraid to appear neglectful in public. Instead, I keep an eye on Jane, without hovering, while trying to engage the other parents (sometimes successfully) in conversations about books or movies, anything but parenthood.

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