Disclaimer: When I was twelve, I was forced to study Latin in school. The "powers that be" thought it was an excellent means of teaching both vocabulary and etymology to young nerds like myself. Thankfully, my Latin teacher was a young woman with a funny sense of humor so we always used to play games where we'd modify or make up our own Latin phrases. It was all very "Dead Poets Society."
Anyway, this random post is in her honor. Wherever you are, Ms. Allison, thanks for making 7th grade a little more bearable!
DOMINO VOBISCUM ("The pizza guy is here!")
It's almost axiomatic to state that, when dealing with a toddler, you have to pick and choose your battles. Do you want to fight over what she's going to wear? Over when she's going to take a bath? Or over how long before she has to go to bed?
Personally, I battle with the Peanut over ALL those issues. So when it comes to feeding her, I often feel like taking the path of least resistance. These days, BossLady and I don't care WHAT she eats...as long as she eats it without complaining!
Unfortunately, in the real world, this means that I'm alternately feeding my daughter a steady diet of pizza, mac-and-cheese, and cupcakes. It just hit me today that I actually can't remember the last time she ate a vegetable or a single piece of fruit. Seriously! Am I a bad father?
And more importantly, do you think it's possible for 2.5 year-olds from Tribeca to get scurvy?
IDIOS AMIGOS ("My friends and I are idiots.")
Sometimes I look at myself and my friends, and I'm simply amazed. We're all in our late 30's and, on the surface, we're all successful productive members of society with children and mortgages. So how come we're still all so juvenile?
Last Saturday, a buddy and I took our kids up to a park in the South Bronx for a little picnic. While drinking his apple juice, my buddy's kid accidentally burped so loudly that the Peanut started laughing her ass off. So, for the next 15 minutes, my buddy and I ingested a liter of Diet Coke and regaled the kids with some non-stop belching. Things really got crazy when we started farting on the kids' hands. All four of us were laughing so hard that we had tears streaming down our faces!
I didn't think anything of it until we got home and the Peanut ratted me out. When the BossLady asked the Peanut how our day was, my little daughter immediately yelled out, "Daddy burped and tooted on my hand!"
Needless to say, I felt like the biggest 3-year-old in history. Mature, eh?
CARNE DIEM ("Seize the Meat!")
Up until recently, I've always done a modified version of the Atkins diet. I would literally eat 3-4 steaks per week. Over the past few months, I've been eating so much steak that it got to the point where my favorite waiter from the steakhouse around the corner didn't even have to ask me what I wanted. We'd just make eye contact across the room and he'd know what to bring me. Embarrassing but true.
However, I've finally reached a point where I decided that life wasn't worth living if I couldn't eat bagels, pizza, sushi, or my buddy Rocco's homemade gnocchi. So now I'm doing a modified version of the Zone Diet. The only problem? BossLady has decided that SHE wants to try Atkins. So while I'm sitting there picking at my frisee salad with goat cheese, she's chomping down on some scrumptious short ribs.
Man, if there's one thing I miss about my youth, it's the ability to eat everything I wanted and still not gain a single ounce of fat. Now, I have to constantly watch what I eat AND work out like a madman. Anyone know where the heck my metabolism went? I'm thinking about issuing an Amber Alert for it.
QUIP PRO QUO (to be filed under "Overheard in New York")
Tuesday evening was one of those gorgeous May nights that were made for baseball so, at the last minute, I decided to head out to Shea Stadium by myself for the Mets-Cubs game.
I love going to Shea. It truly attracts almost every single type of person that you could ever imagine: tough homeboys, butch lesbians, young families, Asian nerds, spicy boriquas, WASP bankers, Italian goombas...you name it. Sometimes, people-watching at Shea is more entertaining than the game itself.
Sitting by myself in the stands, I overheard the following comments:
"Why can't I get another hot dog? It's not like it's going to make me any fatter!"---fat kid to his mother
"Get that goddamn pink shit away from me!"---tough drunk guy to the cotton candy vendor
"C'mon! My freaking grandma pitches better than that...and she's been dead for 20 years!---heckler
You gotta love New York baseball fans. They're truly like no other fans around the country. Anyway, BossLady and I are headed out to Shea tonight for the Subway Series against the Yankees. Hopefully, my Mets will sweep those crosstown posers. (You feeling me, Chag and Hank?)
CAVEAT EMPTY ("Beware of returning empty-handed.")
Quick question---Do other men occasionally buy clothes for their wives? Sometimes if I'm out by myself and I see a cool shirt or a funky dress that would look great on the BossLady, I'll get it for her. I mentioned this to a buddy of mine last week and he thought it was the weirdest thing that he'd ever heard of. Is it? I can't be the only guy who does this, right? Seriously?
DICTUM FACTUM ("When it's all said and done")
The Peanut is at an age now where I am simply amazed at the things that come out of her mouth. Often times, she'll be so excited that she speaks in total gibberish. Other times, she elucidates thoughts so clearly, I feel like I'm speaking to a 40-year-old. It's downright freaky I tell you. Herewith are some recent pearls that have come out of the Peanut's mouth.
"Go away, daddy. I need to be alone right now."
"Are you going to the office, daddy? Bring home my computer, ok?"
"We're going to the restaurant? Can I get some edamame and miso soup, please?"
Two seconds later, she'll revert to being a babbling toddler again. Like nothing ever happened! It's the strangest thing. Sometimes, I half-expect her to turn to us and say, "Ok, guys. I'm going out for a drive. See you later. Don't wait up!"
Man, it really is true what they say about having kids---the days may be long but the years sure do go by fast.
I buy clothes for my wife also, MD. After being together for 10 years, I know her style and what she likes. So if I find something that she'd enjoy, I usually get it for her.
My buddies think it's weird too.
Posted by: Alan | May 21, 2007 at 01:12 PM
I buy my wife clothes all the time (albeit from Target, heh).
Pumpkin's starting to do that random-whole-sentence thing too.
Posted by: daddy in a strange land | May 21, 2007 at 02:43 PM
Mets-Cubs...sniff. :(
But I would NEVER buy clothes for my wife. EVER. First, I have crappy taste. Second, I'd probably buy the wrong size which would kick off either a "Do you want me to look like a sausage?" conversation or a "Oh, now you think I'm fat" conversation.
The Zone, eh? Isn't that what Fat Bastard used to lose weight? Good luck with that...it's either Atkins or obesity for me.
Posted by: CroutonBoy | May 21, 2007 at 03:45 PM
Homo Maritus (Husband who emulates a gay best friend) is the best! Manly enough to be okay with picking up a shirt or a dress for the wife. (Yeah, yeah, if you get to mangle latin, so do I!) I stress SO much about every required vitamin entering LN's system that my ulcers have reopened. However, I figure a fruit juice equals some serving of fruit and maybe even vegetables if the said fruit is a veggie-like fruit... any excuse to soothe my ulcers.
Posted by: Mama Nabi | May 21, 2007 at 04:38 PM
If my husband ever bought me clothing I'd be very touched...I would thank him profusely once I picked myself off the floor - seriously I've asked him to pick out something he'd like to see me wear but he never does!
Posted by: Rita | May 21, 2007 at 11:19 PM
I'm proscrastinating and writing instead of packing. I had to come back and say that I almost got my husband to brave a sample sale to pick something out for me today because of a slight exaggeration on my part when I told him about this post. I was so close, but then he reminded me that I have enough gay friends to pick up his "slack". (dammit)
Posted by: mox | May 21, 2007 at 11:23 PM
About the diet thing - in my humble opinion if you don't get kids used to eating fruits and vegetables at a young age it will be near to impossible to get them to eat them later...our 3 year old loves fruit and we give it to her for "dessert"...now if she had a choice between an apple and a cookie....well we know which one she'd choose - so we only give her cookies, cake and such once in a while!
Posted by: Rita | May 21, 2007 at 11:28 PM
The random sentence mimickry is giving us much amusement. Last week, my 3 y.o. daughter turned to me and said, "I need some peace and quiet, daddy."
I practically fell out of my chair!
Posted by: Jackson | May 22, 2007 at 07:54 AM
My Petunia is three and a half, and she recently said at dinner, "This milk is making me so crazy!"
Posted by: merseydotes | May 22, 2007 at 09:57 AM
re: caveat empty
my fiance does the same thing. personally, i love these random gifts of clothes and shoes, but we tend to get the same reaction from people. you're not the only one doing it, so keep up the good work. oh, and for bonus points, i highly recommend adding purses to the list of random gifts to get for wifey.
Posted by: chunky930 | May 22, 2007 at 11:09 AM
Oh, thank God, we're not the only ones. If it's not chicken, pasta, milk, raisins, dried figs, blueberries or cheese, we pretty much can't get our daughter to eat it.
If it's green or leafy ... it's anathema.
Posted by: John Micek | May 22, 2007 at 02:46 PM
Are you blogging at Babble yet? And if so what did you finally decided to call your blog?
Posted by: LeeAnn | May 22, 2007 at 09:01 PM
P-man buys me clothes. That is not necessarily a good thing. skittles non scurvy.
Posted by: mo-wo | May 23, 2007 at 12:10 AM
I do so love you, MetroDad. (And I'm with the powers that be - etymology is a great tool!)
Posted by: kittenpie | May 23, 2007 at 11:51 AM
My 3 year old nephew was so excited that his aunt was making cupcakes that he came up to me and said, "I REALLY like cupcakes! They make me big and strong!" All of us in the room laughed so hard that a few of us were crying. My 2.5 year old recently went up to my husband and blurted out "know what daddy?" Since neither of us had EVER heard him utter that phrase in his life (or too many others besides "No bed!", "No shoes", "no block (sunblock)!"), we were both on pins and needles to hear his response when my husband replied, "what, Buddy?" And his response? "I'm POOPIE!" God...gotta luv 'em!
Also, my wonderful husband buys me clothes...usually at b-day or Christmas...and he has wonderful taste and will spend more than I ever do. And he's nice enough that each time I've been pregnant to not try to buy me something cute, little, and sexy when I'm slowly blowing up into a walking, talking blimp. So you're not alone...I'm sure Bosslady appreciates the gesture. :)
Posted by: Colleen | May 24, 2007 at 02:35 PM
My ROFL list from this post:
- scurvy in Tribeca
- burping and farting on hands
- quotations from baseball game
The fact that you made Latin funny is still cracking me up. ROFL!
Our Pumpkin is the same way with language. One minute, he's answering every question we ask by shouting back "Ding!" But just today, as we were leaving the park, he said, "Mama, I need water IMMEDIATE!" (The -ly will follow when he's a bit older, I assume...)
Posted by: KG | May 25, 2007 at 01:37 AM
Wouldn't "Seize the Meat!" be: Carpe Carne! Isn't "Carne Diem " == Meat Day
Posted by: jfb3 | June 05, 2007 at 10:37 AM
Hi there,Sorry I was too shy to say hi but you have amazingly beitfauul daughters!Thanks for letting me take a photo with Clie9 without stopping me. =) She's so adorable!
Posted by: Anita | November 17, 2012 at 10:48 AM
Oh dear, yes he will notice. My son ncioted when daddy was gone for only 1 week and he was younger than DJ is now. Sometimes when my husband is away for a couple days at a time, Christopher gets real crabby. Poor thing. You 2 will just have to keep real busy and I'll join you on some of those "busy" days.
Posted by: Bjondina | November 19, 2012 at 12:13 AM