Disclaimer: When I was twelve, I was forced to study Latin in school. The "powers that be" thought it was an excellent means of teaching both vocabulary and etymology to young nerds like myself. Thankfully, my Latin teacher was a young woman with a funny sense of humor so we always used to play games where we'd modify or make up our own Latin phrases. It was all very "Dead Poets Society."
Anyway, this random post is in her honor. Wherever you are, Ms. Allison, thanks for making 7th grade a little more bearable!
DOMINO VOBISCUM ("The pizza guy is here!")
It's almost axiomatic to state that, when dealing with a toddler, you have to pick and choose your battles. Do you want to fight over what she's going to wear? Over when she's going to take a bath? Or over how long before she has to go to bed?
Personally, I battle with the Peanut over ALL those issues. So when it comes to feeding her, I often feel like taking the path of least resistance. These days, BossLady and I don't care WHAT she eats...as long as she eats it without complaining!
Unfortunately, in the real world, this means that I'm alternately feeding my daughter a steady diet of pizza, mac-and-cheese, and cupcakes. It just hit me today that I actually can't remember the last time she ate a vegetable or a single piece of fruit. Seriously! Am I a bad father?
And more importantly, do you think it's possible for 2.5 year-olds from Tribeca to get scurvy?
IDIOS AMIGOS ("My friends and I are idiots.")
Sometimes I look at myself and my friends, and I'm simply amazed. We're all in our late 30's and, on the surface, we're all successful productive members of society with children and mortgages. So how come we're still all so juvenile?
Last Saturday, a buddy and I took our kids up to a park in the South Bronx for a little picnic. While drinking his apple juice, my buddy's kid accidentally burped so loudly that the Peanut started laughing her ass off. So, for the next 15 minutes, my buddy and I ingested a liter of Diet Coke and regaled the kids with some non-stop belching. Things really got crazy when we started farting on the kids' hands. All four of us were laughing so hard that we had tears streaming down our faces!
I didn't think anything of it until we got home and the Peanut ratted me out. When the BossLady asked the Peanut how our day was, my little daughter immediately yelled out, "Daddy burped and tooted on my hand!"
Needless to say, I felt like the biggest 3-year-old in history. Mature, eh?
CARNE DIEM ("Seize the Meat!")
Up until recently, I've always done a modified version of the Atkins diet. I would literally eat 3-4 steaks per week. Over the past few months, I've been eating so much steak that it got to the point where my favorite waiter from the steakhouse around the corner didn't even have to ask me what I wanted. We'd just make eye contact across the room and he'd know what to bring me. Embarrassing but true.
However, I've finally reached a point where I decided that life wasn't worth living if I couldn't eat bagels, pizza, sushi, or my buddy Rocco's homemade gnocchi. So now I'm doing a modified version of the Zone Diet. The only problem? BossLady has decided that SHE wants to try Atkins. So while I'm sitting there picking at my frisee salad with goat cheese, she's chomping down on some scrumptious short ribs.
Man, if there's one thing I miss about my youth, it's the ability to eat everything I wanted and still not gain a single ounce of fat. Now, I have to constantly watch what I eat AND work out like a madman. Anyone know where the heck my metabolism went? I'm thinking about issuing an Amber Alert for it.
QUIP PRO QUO (to be filed under "Overheard in New York")
Tuesday evening was one of those gorgeous May nights that were made for baseball so, at the last minute, I decided to head out to Shea Stadium by myself for the Mets-Cubs game.
I love going to Shea. It truly attracts almost every single type of person that you could ever imagine: tough homeboys, butch lesbians, young families, Asian nerds, spicy boriquas, WASP bankers, Italian goombas...you name it. Sometimes, people-watching at Shea is more entertaining than the game itself.
Sitting by myself in the stands, I overheard the following comments:
"Why can't I get another hot dog? It's not like it's going to make me any fatter!"---fat kid to his mother
"Get that goddamn pink shit away from me!"---tough drunk guy to the cotton candy vendor
"C'mon! My freaking grandma pitches better than that...and she's been dead for 20 years!---heckler
You gotta love New York baseball fans. They're truly like no other fans around the country. Anyway, BossLady and I are headed out to Shea tonight for the Subway Series against the Yankees. Hopefully, my Mets will sweep those crosstown posers. (You feeling me, Chag and Hank?)
CAVEAT EMPTY ("Beware of returning empty-handed.")
Quick question---Do other men occasionally buy clothes for their wives? Sometimes if I'm out by myself and I see a cool shirt or a funky dress that would look great on the BossLady, I'll get it for her. I mentioned this to a buddy of mine last week and he thought it was the weirdest thing that he'd ever heard of. Is it? I can't be the only guy who does this, right? Seriously?
DICTUM FACTUM ("When it's all said and done")
The Peanut is at an age now where I am simply amazed at the things that come out of her mouth. Often times, she'll be so excited that she speaks in total gibberish. Other times, she elucidates thoughts so clearly, I feel like I'm speaking to a 40-year-old. It's downright freaky I tell you. Herewith are some recent pearls that have come out of the Peanut's mouth.
"Go away, daddy. I need to be alone right now."
"Are you going to the office, daddy? Bring home my computer, ok?"
"We're going to the restaurant? Can I get some edamame and miso soup, please?"
Two seconds later, she'll revert to being a babbling toddler again. Like nothing ever happened! It's the strangest thing. Sometimes, I half-expect her to turn to us and say, "Ok, guys. I'm going out for a drive. See you later. Don't wait up!"
Man, it really is true what they say about having kids---the days may be long but the years sure do go by fast.