MetroDad Ipsa Loquitur

Disclaimer: When I was twelve, I was forced to study Latin in school.  The "powers that be" thought it was an excellent means of teaching both vocabulary and etymology to young nerds like myself.  Thankfully, my Latin teacher was a young woman with a funny sense of humor so we always used to play games where we'd modify or make up our own Latin phrases.  It was all very "Dead Poets Society." 

Anyway, this random post is in her honor.  Wherever you are, Ms. Allison, thanks for making 7th grade a little more bearable!

DOMINO VOBISCUM ("The pizza guy is here!")

It's almost axiomatic to state that, when dealing with a toddler, you have to pick and choose your battles.  Do you want to fight over what she's going to wear?  Over when she's going to take a bath?  Or over how long before she has to go to bed? 

Personally, I battle with the Peanut over ALL those issues.  So when it comes to feeding her, I often feel like taking the path of least resistance.  These days, BossLady and I don't care WHAT she eats...as long as she eats it without complaining! 

Unfortunately, in the real world, this means that I'm alternately feeding my daughter a steady diet of pizza, mac-and-cheese, and cupcakes.  It just hit me today that I actually can't remember the last time she ate a vegetable or a single piece of fruit.  Seriously!  Am I a bad father?

And more importantly, do you think it's possible for 2.5 year-olds from Tribeca to get scurvy? 

IDIOS AMIGOS ("My friends and I are idiots.")

Sometimes I look at myself and my friends, and I'm simply amazed.  We're all in our late 30's and, on the surface, we're all successful productive members of society with children and mortgages.  So how come we're still all so juvenile? 

Last Saturday, a buddy and I took our kids up to a park in the South Bronx for a little picnic.  While drinking his apple juice, my buddy's kid accidentally burped so loudly that the Peanut started laughing her ass off.  So, for the next 15 minutes, my buddy and I ingested a liter of Diet Coke and regaled the kids with some non-stop belching.  Things really got crazy when we started farting on the kids' hands.  All four of us were laughing so hard that we had tears streaming down our faces!

I didn't think anything of it until we got home and the Peanut ratted me out.  When the BossLady asked the Peanut how our day was, my little daughter immediately yelled out, "Daddy burped and tooted on my hand!"

Needless to say, I felt like the biggest 3-year-old in history.  Mature, eh?  

CARNE DIEM ("Seize the Meat!")

Up until recently, I've always done a modified version of the Atkins diet.  I would literally eat 3-4 steaks per week.  Over the past few months, I've been eating so much steak that it got to the point where my favorite waiter from the steakhouse around the corner didn't even have to ask me what I wanted.  We'd just make eye contact across the room and he'd know what to bring me.  Embarrassing but true. 

However, I've finally reached a point where I decided that life wasn't worth living if I couldn't eat bagels, pizza, sushi, or my buddy Rocco's homemade gnocchi.  So now I'm doing a modified version of the Zone Diet.  The only problem?  BossLady has decided that SHE wants to try Atkins. So while I'm sitting there picking at my frisee salad with goat cheese, she's chomping down on some scrumptious short ribs. 

Man, if there's one thing I miss about my youth, it's the ability to eat everything I wanted and still not gain a single ounce of fat.  Now, I have to constantly watch what I eat AND work out like a madman.  Anyone know where the heck my metabolism went?  I'm thinking about issuing an Amber Alert for it. 

QUIP PRO QUO (to be filed under "Overheard in New York")

Tuesday evening was one of those gorgeous May nights that were made for baseball so, at the last minute, I decided to head out to Shea Stadium by myself for the Mets-Cubs game.

I love going to Shea.  It truly attracts almost every single type of person that you could ever imagine: tough homeboys, butch lesbians, young families, Asian nerds, spicy boriquas, WASP bankers, Italian goombas...you name it.  Sometimes, people-watching at Shea is more entertaining than the game itself. 

Sitting by myself in the stands, I overheard the following comments:

"Why can't I get another hot dog? It's not like it's going to make me any fatter!"---fat kid to his mother

"Get that goddamn pink shit away from me!"---tough drunk guy to the cotton candy vendor

"C'mon! My freaking grandma pitches better than that...and she's been dead for 20 years!---heckler

You gotta love New York baseball fans.  They're truly like no other fans around the country.  Anyway, BossLady and I are headed out to Shea tonight for the Subway Series against the Yankees.  Hopefully, my Mets will sweep those crosstown posers.  (You feeling me, Chag and Hank?)

CAVEAT EMPTY ("Beware of returning empty-handed.")

Quick question---Do other men occasionally buy clothes for their wives?  Sometimes if I'm out by myself and I see a cool shirt or a funky dress that would look great on the BossLady, I'll get it for her.  I mentioned this to a buddy of mine last week and he thought it was the weirdest thing that he'd ever heard of.  Is it?  I can't be the only guy who does this, right?  Seriously?

DICTUM FACTUM ("When it's all said and done")

The Peanut is at an age now where I am simply amazed at the things that come out of her mouth.  Often times, she'll be so excited that she speaks in total gibberish.  Other times, she elucidates thoughts so clearly, I feel like I'm speaking to a 40-year-old.  It's downright freaky I tell you.  Herewith are some recent pearls that have come out of the Peanut's mouth.

"Go away, daddy. I need to be alone right now."

"Are you going to the office, daddy?  Bring home my computer, ok?"

"We're going to the restaurant?  Can I get some edamame and miso soup, please?"

Two seconds later, she'll revert to being a babbling toddler again.  Like nothing ever happened!  It's the strangest thing. Sometimes, I half-expect her to turn to us and say, "Ok, guys. I'm going out for a drive. See you later. Don't wait up!" 

Man, it really is true what they say about having kids---the days may be long but the years sure do go by fast.  

Comments

[Mama Bear]

Your play date was a great! Here I thought it was only my children and hubbie obsessed with burps and toots. Although I have been dubbed the belching queen at home, no one has beat me yet! The tooting I leave to the boys though. Heh! Thanks for making me laugh!

[dutch from sweet juniper]

I noticed you didn't say, "if I'm out by myself and I see a cool shirt."

At least you didn't call it a "cute" shirt. If that were the case, all the red meat and sport-talk in the world could never redeem you or your testicles.

[METRODAD]

Dutch...you know me too well, my friend. I actually had originally written "cute" shirt but then I caught myself. I think that's what made me add all that talk about sports and red meat. Have I became that predictable?

[Derek Jeter]

A Mets fan who knows Latin, buys clothes for his wife, and farts on his kid's hand? You're a strange bird, MD. I guess that's why I like you so much.

Go Yankees!

[Leora]

Yeah, we're not so good at the fruits and vegetables thing either. We never realized the extent of this until recently. We were show our daughter flashcards of different items and she didn't know any of the vegetables! Whoops!

[Stephanie]

My husband will buy me clothes once in a while, and damn, if he doesn't have better taste than I do!

[Medium Bear]

De-lurking to say that my husband buys clothes for me! You are not alone, Metrodad. He's a graphic designer--I think it's his design gene that makes him unable to resist picking out clothes for me.

Re: fruits and veg. Does the Peanut drink juice? That can count as a fruit or veg (I've started giving my 19-month-old apple-carrot juice to fool him into ingesting a bit of carrot).

[Mr. Big Dubya]

If Peanut starts saying "Arrgh" or "Avast ye dogs" get her an orange or two with a quickness. Short of that, I'd say you're ok.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

Oh - the Latin thing:

I was looking through my uncle's Latin textbook years ago, and on the inside cover he (or someone else) had written:

Latin
First it killed the Romans
Now it's killin' me

Gramen artificiosum odi

[whit]

Idios Amigos. Is that real? I don't want to look like an idiot while trying to tell people I'm an idiot.

[ray lee]

Seriously... with that kind of diet, you wondered why you had to get rushed to the hospital? Atkins isn't the best thing for you, you know?

And the Yankees being swept by the Mets is not possible. And I strongly believe that the only thing good about Shea are the sausages with pepers and onions.

The Yankee crowd is way better!

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Tessie]

If my husband ever brought clothes home that he purchased for me, I'd probably pass out in shock. The man won't even go shopping for his OWN clothes. In fact, I don't think he's bought any clothing for himself in the new century!

[jennifer]

My 3-year-old daughter turned to me the other day and told me she "needed some space." Amazing what comes out of their mouths, isn't it?

[Sarah Marie]

I'm totally digging your tag for this post! Ahhhh, Latin. I was forced to take it in high school. Except it was a Catholic high school and I was taught by a stern nun who made us say the Latin Hail Mary everyday before we could even sit down. We also had to recite the Latin prepositions in a sing-songy way. I still remember all of that junk. However, I did get to go on the class trip to Italy and drink and smoke and act very much like the stereotypical Catholic school girl who way oversteps her alloted ounce of freedom. So it was all worth it in the end.

[Papa Bradstein]

I'm just glad to hear that feeding 3B will get easier. Chopping up all these veggies and fruits is such a hassle. I'll be glad to see the day when he can just speed dial his favorite take out. Hey! Get me some too.

[Geo]

I still want to know what kind of goodies you bring home to the Peanut when you have been off on your travels... You do know that bringing home little trinkets is written in the "dad's" book of rules -right?

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

Tu es jocosus, pater de arachis.

[Randy]

If you find your metabolism, let me know. I haven't seen mine in years.

[METRODAD]

Cuffy..."pater de arachis" (father of the Peanut.) Totally awesome. I love that one.

[Phoenix]

In my eyes edamame and miso soup are both considered vegtables.

I won't say you're the only man who buys clothes for his wife. Not that I know any personally, but there's what, a billion people out there?. So I'd figure you're one of maybe 87 or so? Lucky BossLady, that's for sure.

[Jeremy B.]

I bought my wife a Green Bay Packers t-shirt a few years ago. Does that count?

[alice, uptown]

Finally, a use for your never-used Latin. What imprinted on me from our prep school was that you get the waiter's attention faster when you call him "sir," and not "hey you." Surely that was worth the tuition (ha!)

The fruits and veggies thing? Vitamins cover a multitude of nutritional sins.

[Steph]

Not a toddler, probably not Tribeca, but scurvy happens: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/26/magazine/26wwln_diagnosis.html?ex=1179633600&en=f46a8b7eb61d95e5&ei=5070

My husband will buy me the occasional dress or skirt. He's a leg man.

[Sheri]

MD,
Multi-vitamins for the peanut. Try em. We call them gummies and hide them after you get done with them. We don't need to read about iron poisoning.
My husband buys me clothes all the time.
Did the Cubs win??? As if!!!
You are right about how quickly the years go by, my oldest is going to be eightfreakingteen in 3 months.

[KC]

The last piece of clothing my husband bought me was a t-shirt that had "gimp" written in velvet, trucker-hat-font, ironed-on letters. His said "I'm with the gimp". This was while we were still dating many years ago.

The boy learns from his mistakes. No clothes. Ever.

[Nicolette]

Actually, my husband buys clothes for me more often than I buy clothes for myself. I must be one of the two women on the planet (my mother's the other one) that truly hates to shop for clothes and don't have a clue why other women like buying shoes so much. I'd get away wearing a T-shirt, jeans, and no shoes if I could...needless to say, he has better taste in my clothes than I do...

[honglien123]

I'm too lazy to actually feed my kids anything different from what I feed myself. When I was a kid my mom figured that if I was hungry I'd eat what was available and no crying or whining would produce anything different. Needless to say I turned into a big meanie like my mother...and I married a guy who burps and farts in front of the children all the time. I believe it's a man thing.

[Jen]

My brother will buy his wife the best outfits, or awesome underwear from VS. As for my husband, after nine years of marriage, he still doesn't know my size.
Im a 4, HERE ME????? Do you think he heard????

[onetoomanyburgers]

Carne Diem, MD!

Just don't Carp e Coli :)

[talda]

funny you should mention the whole still being a 3 year old thing. i've been reading "rejuvenile" by christopher noxon and he talks about that whole phenomenom of adults reaching back to their kid years with toys and video games and stuff. pretty interesting so far...you should check it out.

and don't worry about the clothes thing. some of my most favorite [and best looking] article of clothing has been picked out by my boyfriend. the ladies' at the express he frequents know him as the guy who shops for his girlfriend and were excited when they got to meet me. weird but whatever.

[creative-type dad]

I took latin back in elementary school.

My friends and I thought it was cool to speak like possessed demons Ninja's..

[twizzle]

I am moved to send you another Latin phrase that I, myself, coined:

Carpe Dolcem!

Seize (See's) Candy!

xox,
Twizzle

[Glennia]

Does the BossLady actually wear the stuff you buy her? Or does it go to the back of the closet and out on the next Goodwill run? If she wears it, I'd say more power to you! My husband has brought me back t-shirts from trips. Most of them look like they were purchased for Blanche of the "Golden Girls."

[Sarah]

Buying clothes for your wife is the best! I grew up with a Father who loved shopping for my Mom, a woman who felt guilty about every purchase she made and stuck to thrift stores and sales. My Dad was extravagant - lingerie, perfume, lipstick, bright dresses, short skirts, high heels. He is an artist and is all about the visuals. They would inevitably have an argument over the gift's cost or the flashiness of the style, as my Mom's style leans toward granola-crunchy. I'd always be right next to them oohing and ahhing the items, and screaming, "Me next, me next!".

[LionAndMagicBoy]

The true test of the husband who buys clothes for his wife is whether the wife will actually wear them. And enjoy it.

[MammaLoves]

My husband wouldn't know a funky shirt or cool dress if one fell on him in the middle of the little league field. Very cool.

Awesome post!

[Bridget]

My husband used to try to buy clothes for me. I think he bought them at Strippers 'R Us. Some of the ugliest clothing you've ever seen.

Now, I just force him to give me his credit card.

[winterwheat]

ROFL! But... did you have to tell us about your diet right after the piece about farting?

[FENICLE]

The ONLY Latin I know is "Pig Latin" and I'm pretty sure it was around 7th grade that I learned it. Catholic School....what a wonderful expensive education my parents bought.

[Karen]

Two things: First, I don't care if it's weird or not. Buying clothes for your wife is cool. Feel free to educate my husband on the subject. Second, I think the Peanut and my son may be practicing their vocab together. His latest gem (said when asking me a ton of questions about why our friends live on an air force base): EW. I don't like the GOVERNMENT!

[Jamie]

Awesome post, MD. Hope you're feeling better! Your writing sure hasn't suffered.

[momto3cubs]

BossLady is so lucky.

Few things are more exhausting than toddler battles, but you can still make sure Peanut eats healthy meals and snacks. Get rid of the mac 'n cheese and crap, fill the house with healthy food, and then let her decide what to eat and how much. Put out a few choices at each meal, and then leave it up to her. As long as it's all healthy stuff, you both win, and she'll grow to love healthy food. (It works. I've never forced fruits and veggies on my kids, and they love them.)

Did I mention that BossLady is lucky? I think it's wonderful that you think to buy stuff for her.

[heather p.]

Carpe Soy milk!

my kid eats no fruits or veggies (except any guacamole that I booby trap with incognito veggies)

But he has enuf fortified soy milk to give him all the vitamins (and early puberty) necessary

[bmc]

you had me at emo. (emas emant? my mom made me take latin too. kicked ass on the verbal part of the sat's tho)

the headlines should all be tshirts with the explanations on the back. metroswag.

this one was funny. every single ditty rang true in this house.

[Beth]

My son has recently started closing the door to his bedroom. If I dare to open it, he gives me the personal space line. HATE HATE HATE IT.

[ob]

"Carne diem"
"Go away, daddy. I need to be alone right now."

You're killing me, MetroDad!

[Stay at home dad]

I was forced to study ancient Greek at school. That makes Latin look like a walk in the hortus...

You didn't say what the reaction is when you buy the clothes. That's why I don't do it.

[tkkerouac]

glad I found you, love your blog!

[Mlle. Mitchell]

You are truly blessed with that peanut of yours! And I think that it is fabulous that you do that for BossLady. I don't know if many men do it but you aren't the only one - my boyfriend does the same. Even if you are both the only two, it just proves that great men are hard to find, u kno!

[Kara]

you buy clothes for your wife? dude that's weird.

Only once or twice in the 14 years we've been together has the husband dared to pick anything out for me and when he did it didn't fit (I have to try everything on before i buy it on account of my huge rack... I wish i were kidding).

I think pasta and bread and juice have so many vitamins snuck in nowadays that kids can pretty much live on a diet of 2 or 3 things.