A MetroDad Scare!

I'm generally not a big fan of doctors.

Sure, I have a team of top-notch Manhattan dermatologists working on retainer to preserve the luxuriant hair on my head that nourishes my sense of self-worth.  And yeah, it's true that my wife and I spend so much money on our allergist that he named his last boat after us.  But, in general, I tend to avoid all doctors like the plague, the IRS, and crazy ex-girlfriends.

Now, despite the fact that I have an executive desk-jockey lifestyle, I tend to only monitor my health by either checking WebMD or rifling through old issues of Men's Health when I'm on the toilet.

(By the way, anyone ever read the teaser headlines on today's health magazines? Is it me or are they written for a new generation of psychosomatics?  "Toothpaste: The Silent Killer!" or "Why Popcorn Will Kill You!")

However, this past weekend, I had a scare that has frightened me into the loving arms of modern medicine. 

Over the course of my Asia trip, I hadn't been feeling that great. I had some pains in my chest that usually went away after I popped some aspirin or some Pepcid AC.  I figured I'd get myself thoroughly checked out when I returned.  I arrived home on Thursday night and made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday.

However, on Saturday morning, the chest pains were so severe that I started freaking out.  I'll level with you, my friends.  I thought this was The Big One!  My whole life started flashing before my very eyes. I was like an Asian Redd Foxx, grasping at my chest and telling Lamont that "this is it!"

BossLady and I immediately jumped in a taxi and headed to the nearest emergency room.  Unfortunately, the closest hospital is basically a Chinatown clinic.  Nothing seemed to be working. The staff literally had a hard time locating a functioning thermometer.  And more importantly, none of the staff seemed to be in any hurry.  It was like I was inconveniencing them because they hadn't finished their morning coffee or had a chance to work on the daily word jumble.  I thought I was going to die before the asshats figured out how to spell "pumpkin!"

On a side note, I just finished reading an interesting article in The New Yorker deconstructing the state of modern criminal forensics.  Basically, the piece discussed how the prevailing popularity of the C.S.I. television series has drastically altered the weight that real-life judges and juries place on forensic evidence.  However, the true reality is that forensic science is, at best, still a VERY primitive field that rarely produces definitive results (the sole exception being some types of DNA testing.)

Likewise, my general view of hospitals and medicine is predicated on hours of watching ER, House, Grey's Anatomy, St.Elsewhere, and Doogie Howser.  In fact, my prototypical doctor is none other than Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, the brilliant and caring physician who could always immediately cure anything from alien clap to Vulcan blue balls! 

From television, I've come to believe that doctors are beautiful godlike figures who come down from Mount Stethoscope to cure our afflictions with their Hippocratic magic and absolute professionalism. 

Friends, I don't know if you've been in the ER lately but nothing could be further from the truth!

After being thrown in a gown made out of tissue paper and a Wonder Bread twist, I was summarily ignored for 8 hours.  Finally, despite not having any discussions with a REAL doctor, the ER staff alerted me that I was going to be admitted overnight. No explanations. No further testing. No nothing!

Since we were all in a sheer panic, my parents called a family friend who is one of the top diagnosticians in Manhattan.  He immediately called me and told me to discharge myself immediately.  I believe his exact words were, "You live in a city that has 2 or 3 of the best hospitals in the entire country.  You're having chest pains.  What the fuck are you waiting for?  A tunnel with some light at the end of it?  Get your ass up to Mt. Sinai immediately!"

By the time I got uptown, the ER staff had already been alerted to my arrival.  I was immediately given a new EKG.  Blood was drawn and sent to the lab. And arrangements were made for a full cardio-pulmonary cat scan.

For three whole days, I was poked, prodded, scanned, and examined.  The good news is that my pains don't seem to have been cardiac-related.  The bad news is that they can't figure out what's causing them.  Nor can they figure out what's causing the release of certain enzymes in my blood.  Not the most reassuring news but not the worst thing to hear either. 

Today, I'm generally feeling better. I'm a little weak from all the blood that's been drawn from me and I'm exhausted from being woken up every 3 hours.  However, I'm gladder than hell to be back home with BossLady and the Peanut. 

Those of you who have been coming here for awhile know that I'm pretty much a "carpe diem" kind of guy. I have an enthusiastic love of life and I don't want to leave this world anytime soon.  However, when you're hooked up to an EKG and your wife and daughter are sitting by your hospital bedside, you tend to remember that life is a gift more fleeting than the career of the Pussy Cat Dolls. 

And you realize that you can't truly enjoy the ride when warning lights keep flashing on the dashboard. 

So hopefully, it'll turn out that the raw blowfish I had in a Hong Kong sushi bar is playing games with my nervous system.  Or maybe I'm just allergic to lychee martinis.  Either way, I remain confident that my doctors will figure it all out sooner or later. 

I'll bet their last boat on it.

.

I'll keep you posted on my status but thanks for all the e-mails concerning my absence.  I love the fact that you all treat me like the old lady who lives next door.  If you don't see her for awhile, you knock on her door to make sure she's not trapped under something heavy or hasn't been attacked by the cats.  Y'all are good people, yo!  I also promise to answer as many mailbag questions as I can this week.  Some of them had me laughing my ass off...proving once again that my readers are the coolest, nicest, weirdest, smartest, and geekiest people around.  God bless!

Comments

[Ania]

Ey. Get well. Lurking blogs would be oh so sad without you around ;p

[Waya]

Dude! I'm glad you're ok now but that must have very scary for everyone! Maybe your Dad is onto something about traveling...it might not be safe and you might have used the wrong toilet paper. Sorry for the lame attempt at humor, just trying to make you smile!

Be well my friend and I hope it was just some weird delicacies that you had in Asia.

[Glennia]

Get well and stay well, Metrodad! Yikes.

[Jennifer]

Lots of heart problems don't show up on normal ECGs or CT scans. Have your doctor run through more tests to verify that it's not a heart problem. Ask for a nuclear stress test and perhaps a 3-D scan.

Hope it all works out for the best!

[~s]

Any ailment in my family is met with an enthusiastic, "Try buong!", the Korean version of Chinese cupping. Glad to hear you were pointed in the right medical direction and hopefully they can figure out for sure what's wrong. It's great to have you back blogging and funny as ever despite the health scare. I'm sure the Peanut and Bosslady are pretty happy to have you home as well. Feel better soon.

[the weirdgirl]

Oh MD, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better but I'm so sorry you haven't been well! Take care and know we're thinking of you.

[L.]

We love you, MD! So get better!

[momto3cubs]

Glad you are back. It probably was something you ate on the trip/s.

My DH also went to an emergency room with chest pains. After $15,000 worth of tests, they had no answers. But at least now he knows his heart it OK.

I guess we are just getting old.

[A]

damn right, come to mt. sinai! =) we have one of the best cardiac programs in the city. glad you are feeling better. and yes, the doctors will figure it all out sooner or later. and i'm sure it will be nothing to worry about. hope you are doing well.

[Desiree]

I thought your absence meant that you were heavily pondering the mailbag questions you requested. I am a bad reader. Next time you are gone for more than 24 hours I will alert the feds and put out a bulletin. You know, to make up for my ignorance this time around.

Glad to hear you are okay, and that you escaped a bad hospital. Take care of yourself and no more raw blowfish! I saw that episode of the Simpsons, I know that only like one millimeter of it is edible. You don't want to be Homer Simpson do you? Obviously all my education comes from TV, that BA I have is useless.

Desiree

[anon]

dude, glad you're back and that you're ok! but man, that clinic in chitown... what does that say abut the kind of health care those folks have access to over there?

[LeeMarvin]

Hey MD,

Glad that you're back, but worried for you.

Get well soon!

[winterwheat]

Good heavens, that's scary. I'm glad you had the best of the best looking into it; thank heaven for connections. Once my leg collapsed under me during a conference in Miami, and I spent the night in the hospital, where their fMRI machine wasn't manned so they commanded me to "get an MRI the day you get back." Um, at the 7-11? Fortunately, my next-door-neighbor is a radiologist and got me in 12 hours after I arrived home. God bless him. (Although the results only told me what I already knew: "Your spine is degenerating. Did you know you're in pain?") Anyway, you don't know me but as a newish parent, I've loved your blog for a while now. Wonderful writing. So glad to have found you.
:-)

[Nina]

How frightening! I'm glad you're back home! You're in our thoughts and prayers MD! Keep us posted...

[Mandy]

Hey MD, glad you're home! Get well soon.

[Lucy]

Delurking to say that I hope you feel better soon. It must be so scary to not know what is going on with your body. Good luck!

[christine]

I've always been impressed by your perspective on life, MD. You've always demonstrated a great ability to filter out the fluff and focus on the important things. In a way, you've sort of been an inspiration to me. I find it amazing how, even in the wake of this health scare, you manage to not only retain your sense of humor but also keep such a level head. I would be freaking out completely and bouncing off the walls!!!

Hope you get better soon!

-Christine

[April]

Nothing like a host of diagnoses by blog, right? It must have been scary to have chest pains while travelling!

Did anyone at Mt. Sinai mention pericarditis? I had that in my early 20s—hurts like *mad*. Good lord. Chest pains and awful feelings about imminent demise. Most of the time it resolves itself in a couple weeks and is helped by motrin.

Did they do a heart ultrasound? Besides checking you out, it is the COOLEST thing to see your heart beat in real time. It's amazing.

I hope you feel fully mended soon.

[Beth]

I'm really, very glad you're okay, you old fart!

[L.A. Daddy]

Glad to hear you're not in imminent danger! Hang in there - maybe they'll figure it out soon. If not?

Head down to Jersey and let Doctor House figure it out. He's a pain in the ass, but he's good at the tough diagnosis!

[Roger]

Hey Pierre, hope you find out what it is... speedy recovery wishes from Vancouver.

[Carrie]

Humor as a defense mechanism - yeah, I think there was a Family Ties episode about that.

If laughter is the best medicine, then you should self-medicate. You keep all of your readers laughing with every post - even this one about a scary incident.

Be well, feel better, hug the Peanut.

[Tawnya]

Just wanted to add my positive thoughts and feel better vibes in with the rest. You've officially made me want to get my yearly physical!
Hope you feel better soon!

[Her Bad Mother]

Why'd you have to go and link mortalty to the Pussycat Dolls? now I'm gonna have nightmares.

[panthergirl]

Ooooooh!!! I hope you're feeling better! That IS scary and your ER experience mirrors the ones I've had in recent times with my asthma. "Oh, you're dying? Be right with you, after I finish my tuna sandwich."

A particularly heartwarming moment for me was at 2AM when, after having been ambulanced to a hospital in Connecticut I needed to call a neighbor to pick me up (across the border in NY) and was told I couldn't make a "long distance" call.

Keep us posted, MD. I knew something had to be up when you didn't respond to my email. Very un-MD-like of you. Feel better!

[Henri]

Ohh Jeeez that's what those chest pains were...get better bro.

[book border michigan store]

I've pretty much been doing nothing worth mentioning. I haven't gotten anything done today. I haven't been up to much , but oh well. I've just been staying at home waiting for something to happen, but so it goes. Pfft.

[anitanyc]

I would really like to know the name of your family's "top diagnostician" friend in NYC. My husband has a whole constellation of what we are sure are related health issues and they are serious. I am look for a Dr. House. You got him?
thanks in advance,
anitanyc

[manhattan allergist]

It's just so funny that the doctor recommended by your family told you that. What are you waiting for? His right. That's all.

-dent

[Nike Shox NZ]

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[Martha Williams]

That was very scary. I don't know how it feels to be in life and death. I hope you'll be fine soon.