A MetroDad Scare!

I'm generally not a big fan of doctors.

Sure, I have a team of top-notch Manhattan dermatologists working on retainer to preserve the luxuriant hair on my head that nourishes my sense of self-worth.  And yeah, it's true that my wife and I spend so much money on our allergist that he named his last boat after us.  But, in general, I tend to avoid all doctors like the plague, the IRS, and crazy ex-girlfriends.

Now, despite the fact that I have an executive desk-jockey lifestyle, I tend to only monitor my health by either checking WebMD or rifling through old issues of Men's Health when I'm on the toilet.

(By the way, anyone ever read the teaser headlines on today's health magazines? Is it me or are they written for a new generation of psychosomatics?  "Toothpaste: The Silent Killer!" or "Why Popcorn Will Kill You!")

However, this past weekend, I had a scare that has frightened me into the loving arms of modern medicine. 

Over the course of my Asia trip, I hadn't been feeling that great. I had some pains in my chest that usually went away after I popped some aspirin or some Pepcid AC.  I figured I'd get myself thoroughly checked out when I returned.  I arrived home on Thursday night and made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday.

However, on Saturday morning, the chest pains were so severe that I started freaking out.  I'll level with you, my friends.  I thought this was The Big One!  My whole life started flashing before my very eyes. I was like an Asian Redd Foxx, grasping at my chest and telling Lamont that "this is it!"

BossLady and I immediately jumped in a taxi and headed to the nearest emergency room.  Unfortunately, the closest hospital is basically a Chinatown clinic.  Nothing seemed to be working. The staff literally had a hard time locating a functioning thermometer.  And more importantly, none of the staff seemed to be in any hurry.  It was like I was inconveniencing them because they hadn't finished their morning coffee or had a chance to work on the daily word jumble.  I thought I was going to die before the asshats figured out how to spell "pumpkin!"

On a side note, I just finished reading an interesting article in The New Yorker deconstructing the state of modern criminal forensics.  Basically, the piece discussed how the prevailing popularity of the C.S.I. television series has drastically altered the weight that real-life judges and juries place on forensic evidence.  However, the true reality is that forensic science is, at best, still a VERY primitive field that rarely produces definitive results (the sole exception being some types of DNA testing.)

Likewise, my general view of hospitals and medicine is predicated on hours of watching ER, House, Grey's Anatomy, St.Elsewhere, and Doogie Howser.  In fact, my prototypical doctor is none other than Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, the brilliant and caring physician who could always immediately cure anything from alien clap to Vulcan blue balls! 

From television, I've come to believe that doctors are beautiful godlike figures who come down from Mount Stethoscope to cure our afflictions with their Hippocratic magic and absolute professionalism. 

Friends, I don't know if you've been in the ER lately but nothing could be further from the truth!

After being thrown in a gown made out of tissue paper and a Wonder Bread twist, I was summarily ignored for 8 hours.  Finally, despite not having any discussions with a REAL doctor, the ER staff alerted me that I was going to be admitted overnight. No explanations. No further testing. No nothing!

Since we were all in a sheer panic, my parents called a family friend who is one of the top diagnosticians in Manhattan.  He immediately called me and told me to discharge myself immediately.  I believe his exact words were, "You live in a city that has 2 or 3 of the best hospitals in the entire country.  You're having chest pains.  What the fuck are you waiting for?  A tunnel with some light at the end of it?  Get your ass up to Mt. Sinai immediately!"

By the time I got uptown, the ER staff had already been alerted to my arrival.  I was immediately given a new EKG.  Blood was drawn and sent to the lab. And arrangements were made for a full cardio-pulmonary cat scan.

For three whole days, I was poked, prodded, scanned, and examined.  The good news is that my pains don't seem to have been cardiac-related.  The bad news is that they can't figure out what's causing them.  Nor can they figure out what's causing the release of certain enzymes in my blood.  Not the most reassuring news but not the worst thing to hear either. 

Today, I'm generally feeling better. I'm a little weak from all the blood that's been drawn from me and I'm exhausted from being woken up every 3 hours.  However, I'm gladder than hell to be back home with BossLady and the Peanut. 

Those of you who have been coming here for awhile know that I'm pretty much a "carpe diem" kind of guy. I have an enthusiastic love of life and I don't want to leave this world anytime soon.  However, when you're hooked up to an EKG and your wife and daughter are sitting by your hospital bedside, you tend to remember that life is a gift more fleeting than the career of the Pussy Cat Dolls. 

And you realize that you can't truly enjoy the ride when warning lights keep flashing on the dashboard. 

So hopefully, it'll turn out that the raw blowfish I had in a Hong Kong sushi bar is playing games with my nervous system.  Or maybe I'm just allergic to lychee martinis.  Either way, I remain confident that my doctors will figure it all out sooner or later. 

I'll bet their last boat on it.

.

I'll keep you posted on my status but thanks for all the e-mails concerning my absence.  I love the fact that you all treat me like the old lady who lives next door.  If you don't see her for awhile, you knock on her door to make sure she's not trapped under something heavy or hasn't been attacked by the cats.  Y'all are good people, yo!  I also promise to answer as many mailbag questions as I can this week.  Some of them had me laughing my ass off...proving once again that my readers are the coolest, nicest, weirdest, smartest, and geekiest people around.  God bless!

Comments

[cooper]

MD,

I've been wondering about you, hoping all was OK. Glad you are home.

[marcy]

Holy CRAP, MD. I'm glad that you're doing okay.

I'm glad that you have kick ass family friends.

[KC]

Yes, glad you are fine. But I know how scary that can be. Sometimes in medicine we don't have the answers but we can at least rule out the most dangerous things. But, perhaps not the blowfish next time.

[Vampdaddy]

MD-

Glad to hear you're home, and homefully some clarity will come soon as to what's going on!

I have this deal with the world that no one else can have medical issues at the moment -- VB corners that market. So keep well!

[AlieMalie]

eeek, MD! get well! hope you're back to 110% soon.

and that's an order, yo!

[Rachel]

Wow, that's really scary! I hope everything checks out okay. Sending good vibes your way.

[metro mama]

Oh, MD! My experience with the ER shattered all my TV-inspired illusions too. It's a scary, incompetent place indeed.

Glad you're OK. Please keep us updated.

[Luper]

um, is it too late to take back my email of yesterday ragging on you for not posting lately and forewarning your metropolitans about being swept out of china basin this week...? yes? okay, then get your enzymes straight and praise richie aurelia and I'll see you soon, much love from 25th street......

[elaine]

get well soon MD!

[kim]

So scary... will be thinking of you lots this week - get better soon!

[Nomadic One]

OMGosh, MD! I wasn't worried yet because you were on travel!! Yikes. I hope they determine what was going on so that it doesn't happen again.

Feel better...glad you're back home where you belong.

[dutch from sweet juniper]

I wonder how that emergency room in chinatown stacks up to the one my wife went to in Beijing. She had to sit next to some dude who'd had his arm chopped off and a giant bloody rag wrapped around the stump while unseen patients screamed in agony from their beds like casualties on a medieval battlefield.

glad the trip uptown yielded such good news. but lay off those buckets of wings, buddy.

[iflyg]

Jeez - sorry about the scare...hope you feel better soon - lay off the fugu for a while...

[KG]

Hang in there, MD. Scary stuff, but it sounds like you're in good hands now!

Members of your "...coolest, nicest,...geekiest" contingency send you lots of positive vibes! :)

[honglien123]

Dude, I so hate ERs. I had appendicitis when I was 19 weeks pregnant with my Sweet Pea. The ER doctor told me that they couldn't help me unless I was dying. I was finally "cured" with a mix of preggo friendly (they think) mix of intravenous antibiotics over about a week, but it was the scariest week for me because we were afraid we would lose the baby. All was well in the end though. Hopefully, the cure for what ails you is just as "simple". Take care and hope you get better soon.

[MetroDude]

Feel better, dude.

[Dr. Q]

Have you ever considered seeing an Osteopathic physician?

[ank]

Glad you are home with you girls and hope you feel better very soon

[Carol]

MD meets MD, eh? Man, glad you're OK.

Carol

[the mad momma]

okay..the middle bit where you chit chat abt the new yorker article.. not funny.. i wanted to know if you were alright. thought the fact that you're blogging says you must be. its weird to be concerned abt a stranger across the seas, but blogging does that. you grow to like ppl through their writing... and to be concerned. so i might be weird, but i'm glad you're alright. and i hope you figure out what is wrong soon and begin to treat it.

[the new girl]

Be well, MD. It is a traumatic experience to say the least.

Take some time to recover all around.

[Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom]

Feel better MD.
Glad you are okay.
You may just have to relax a little bit. You do not want all the specialists in Mt. Sinai to have boats named after you...

[William]

Ihope they figure out that you actually have Vulcan Blue Balls and all you really need is a Ferengi massage parlor with a happy ending.

[Jeff Mirisola]

I can completely sympathize. I've been having what's termed "transient vision loss" in my right eye. They're still trying to figure out why. The one upside is I now have photographic proof that I have a brain...
I wish you the best of luck and health.

[teri]

delurking for this....

Please get better. Hopefully it was some bad sushi or something. I'll be praying to the Gods for a speedy recovery and that Bosslady and peanut will be calm and in high spirits.

[Darren a/k/a Clare's Dad]

I've had some experience with NYC emergency rooms too--no fun. You have to set aside a full day no matter what the problem is. When I dropped a knife in my foot I was there for about 17 hours and had to fill out what was nearly a police report.

Good to see you back. Take care.

[James]

There are few things scarier to a man than having chest pains. I know. This happened to me a few years ago. Thankfully, I was just having what they call heart spasms. However, it scared me into completely changing my lifestyle. You're totally right, MD. Life is fleeting. We all need to take the best care of ourselves as possible. At the very least, we owe it to our kids.

Get better soon!

[Julie]

Amazing how you can keep such a positive outlook and still be so damn funny in the face of this health scare, MD. Hope everything comes out for the best!

[Sandy]

Feel better soon!!! And keep going to drs until they find out what is wrong with you!

[Anne Glamore]

No shit, MD...- don't screw around with clinics for chest pain. The guy who sent you to Mt Sinai was RIGHT.

Your friend the doc would agree!

Glad all is well; I figured you were stuck abroad. Let us know what they find out about those pesky enzymes.

Anne Glamore

[NG]

Very glad that you're doing okay and home! The best place to be when you're not feeling tops. Hope all is worked out soon.

[Brianna]

Glad your home and ok! I'm sure some Peanut/Bosslady therapy will have you feeling better in no time : )

[Kemp]

Dude, that's scary. Glad to know your're feeling better.

[wn]

MD, that is some seriously scary stuff. Feel better soon, I hope it's really something minor that you laugh about in good time.

[creative-type dad]

Wow!
I'm crossing my fingers hoping that it was something you ate and nothing more.

Be well!

[Mikeymike]

Metrohyung -

I'm glad you are OK. Not to add further medical consternation on top of what you are already going through, but, in order to keep on top of your health, diagnostically that is, I have this question for you:

Isn't it time for you to bet getting regular visits from Dr. Cold McJellyfinger?

I'll let you enjoy that thought.

[loli]

delurking to say "get well soon!" and i hope it's nothing serious. chest pains sound scary.

[Ruth Dynamite]

Glad whatever it was has subsided. Did they test for Lyme? (my husband spent three days in the ICU for a "heart attack" - it turned out to be pericarditis caused by Lyme) Just a thought...

[Jen]

I love WebMD, but I am now convinced that I have probably 20 different ailments! Maybe I should get my ass to the doctor too!
Glad you are feeling better. Traveling on top of sickness totally bites big asses!

[Jessica]

"Toothpaste: The Silent Killer?" Shit, MD, I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor. Hope you get better soon!

[whit]

If House sent Chase with either Cameron or Doogie to your home to "look for clues" I would suggest changing your sheets.

[ray lee]

Hey MD,

Glad to hear that you are okay. Reading this reminded me of the time when my back gave out as I was bending over to pick up my socks!

http://www.xanga.com/jigg/83798142/item.html

I was freaking out and I thought life as I knew it was pretty much over. I imagined myself sitting in a wheel chair for the rest of my life.

Anyways, I hope everything goes well with you and everything goes back to normal. Take care MD.

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Stacey]

Scary stuff, MD. Get yourself to some top Manhattan specialists and get yourself checked out completely. Be well!

[pnuts mama]

good to hear from you and glad you are feeling better. mt sinai is one of the best and i hope they figure out what's been bothering you. do you ingest a lot of caffeine? we were told to lighten up on it a bit for awhile. boo!
and i think the guy who wants you to get to the urologist may have a little crush on you. just sayin.

[Stacy]

Anxiety attack? Both DJ and Best Friend have ended up in the hospital thinking they were having an MI and got diagnosed with anxiety attacks. I, because I am one badass mothafucka, ride out my anxiety attacks with a Klonopin and a bullwhip.

Glad you're okay...

[nonlineargirl]

Glad you are at least up and around, if not 100%. Speaking of NYer articles to read, there was a good one on medicine and aging in the 4/30 mag.

[leora]

OMG, MD! How scary! I hope they found out what is causing the chest pains. I think it would be even worse to NOT know. Feel better!

[sj]

omg delurking to say hope you get better soon !!!

[Holmes]

There's an Asian Redd Foxx? Who knew? Hope you get to feeling better!

[nic]

did you get your gall bladder checked - that hurts like a bitch, and is in the lower chest area around the diaphram level...