Your Man in Asia

Thanks for all your e-mails.  Not only the ones regarding the Virginia Tech incident but also the ones checking to see whether I'm still alive.  You guys rock!  I should have told you that I was headed out to Asia for a business trip.  I just spent a week in Vietnam and am now spending this week in Hong Kong, one of my all-time favorite cities in the world. 

Needless to say, I miss BossLady and the Peanut terribly.   Anyway, I've got to run off to work but, before I go, here are a few quick thoughts...

NOTHING SAYS CLASS LIKE CHARMIN PLUS!

My mother is a varsity traveler.  For over 20 years, she was a schoolteacher and used to spend her summers going on these amazing journeys.  Usually solo. She's trekked across Mozambique, sailed the Crimea, and backpacked her way to the top of Mt. Fuji.  I've been to about 40 countries during the course of my lifetime and she's the only one I know who's been to even more. 

The reason my mother took all those trips solo is because my dad HATES to travel.  He literally judges each country based on the quality of their toilet paper.  One year, my mom took my dad for a return visit to Russia. They visited the Red Square, went to the ballet at the Bolshoi, toured the Hermitage, and did a million other cool things. 

When he returned to NYC, I asked him how the trip was.  His reply?  "Remember I told you how bad the toilet paper was in China?  It was even WORSE in Russia. Man, that country is never going to make it."

Spasiba, pops. Spasiba!

YES, BUT HE'S LEFT ME A LEGACY IN SO MANY OTHER WAYS

My father is a good guy.  He's always been an excellent provider and he instilled in me a love of reading and world history.  However, if I had to pick the top 5 things I've inherited from him, I'd have to go with these...

(1) The ability to eat food so quickly, it's like I was raised in prison.
(2) The tendency to tell the same 5 stories at every dinner party...loudly!
(3) The ugliest and smelliest feet this side of North Korea.
(4) A dangerous addiction to Q-tips.
(5) The inability to fix something requiring anything more complex than a screwdriver.

Pretty classy, eh? 

HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND HOS.  KNEES AND HOS!

As most of you know from his mentions here, the Doctor is one of my oldest friends.  If there's any doubt about why I love this guy, I leave you with the following Blackberry exchange:

MD:  "Doc, I'm currently in Vietnam. Had a long day so I came down to the hotel bar for a nightcap.  Turns out that the bar is having hip-hop night.  Very possibly the greatest rap DJ I've heard in years!  I just spent the last hour rocking out to old-school Biggie, Tupac, Biz Markie, and Digital Underground. 

Oh shit, don't look now but the DJ just started spinning some classic Rakim.  If he starts playing some KRS-One, I might just lose my mind!  Hip-hop is alive in the kingdom, yo!"

Much love, brother.

The Doctor: "Hey "homeboy!"  I don't really know what kinda clout that holds, considering the only rap DJ you've heard in years is when the Wiggles did their hip-hop Christmas special!

Boo yah!

Love,
Diggity

Proving once again, that it doesn't matter how far away you go, modern technology still allows for some good old-fashioned shit talking!  If any of you come to Manhattan and visit the Doctor's office, just tell him that you want the MetroDad discount.  The coupon code is ASSFACE!

By the way, I've seen a lot of scary things in my life but nothing compares to watching a bunch of fat 50-year-old German tourists shaking their moneymakers on the dance floor to Run-DMC.  It almost makes you want to give up dancing for good.

AMERICA: LOVE IT AND LIVE IT (A METRODAD RANT)

America sure has been taking a beating lately.  Pick up any newspaper and you'll see poll after poll demonstrating that citizens of foreign nations have an increasingly unfavorable opinion about our beloved country.

Look, I get it.  No matter what you think of him, George Bush is probably not the greatest representation of our country's people.  And it's clear that America's increased intervention (and surprisingly consistent bungling) in foreign affairs is the cause of this general discontent with America.

But make no mistake, my foreign friends.  America is still the greatest country in the world.  Nowhere else in the world can individuals rise out of nothing and achieve their dreams.  Shit, after serving in the U.S. army during the Korean War, my dad came to this country so broke he was 30 cents away from a quarter and couldn't afford the hole out of a donut.  Now, he rolls like P.Diddy! (ok, not really but if P.Diddy was a 73-year-old Korean man with an addiction to golf and his granddaughter, there might be a faint resemblance.)

Anyway, it's nice to be reminded how much other people abroad actually love everything about America. 

Last week in Vietnam, I met a guy who spoke flawless English.  When I asked him how he learned it, he told me he used to stay up late at night in bed listening to the Voice of America radio broadcasts.  I thought this was one of the coolest things I'd ever heard in my life!

When he found out I was from NYC, he freaked out and enthusiastically yelled, "New York!  I LOVE the Yankees! My dream is to have a big car that I can drive to Yankee Stadium one day and eat American hot dogs!"

10,000 miles away from home and I still can't avoid the damn Yankee fans!

So sure, we take a lot of shit from a lot of people and you know what?  A lot of it is probably well-deserved.  We're the biggest kids on the block and sometimes we're not very modest about it.  But heck, it's not really our fault.  We're a nation built on bravado and arrogance (What's that?  You want to tax our colonial asses and subjugate us to the Queen?  Up yours, man!  We're starting our own damn country!)

Anyway...I like to think that, at the end of the day, our country really does symbolize the hopes and dreams of millions of people from nations around the world. 

Except for maybe France.  Now, I've spent a lot of time in France during the course of my life.  In fact, I've probably been there about 15 times.  But you want to know what?  The French hate our fucking guts.  It's hard to believe they actually gave us the Statue of Liberty.  They must have been throwing it out anyway.  Because these people detest us.

As Dennis Miller once said, the French look at us and think we are one, big, collective Jethro bearing down on them, rope belt and all.

And you know something?  In all fairness, we might be hicks, but at least we're hicks who tend to our armpits more frequently than once every time Halley's comet is in the solar system. These people avoid showers like a blonde at the Bates Motel. They had to invent perfume. It wasn't an augmentation, it was a defense mechanism!

I once went there and met a beautiful young Parisian girl.  The only problem was that she smelled like a a garbageman eating Gorganzola cheese while getting a perm inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

And although we, as a nation, take a beating in the press, we're still a great country.  Not only do we create opportunity but we also create things of great beauty, things that unconsciously interweave the American attributes of ingenuity, optimism, and some good old-fashioned living.

Things like: "All You Can Eat" Restaurants, the Clapper, the Temporary Insanity Plea, cutting-edge CD-ROM technology used for porn, deep-fried cheese, rain ponchos for dogs, and beer can hats!

The list goes on and on!

As a matter of fact, you want to know what's right with America more than anything?  Our right to speak out about everything that's wrong with it.  Sure, our politicians seem crooked and ethically challenged.  But you ever try to do business with a Chinese bureaucrat?  Bargain with a Mexican federale?  Or fight through red tape with the Pakistan Customs department?  Hell, I have.  And let me tell you something, there's some days that I think we're lucky to have the politicians we do have.  At least, we get the opportunity to dump their asses when we want to!

There's so much that IS right with America that it practically brings tears to my eyes.  Traveling abroad brings that into clearer focus more than you could ever imagine.  Sometimes, in order to best appreciate your one true love, you have to leave it for awhile. 

So remind yourself of that every now and again, my friends.

Take the family on Route 66, shop at the Galleria, fire up that massive barbecue, have your breasts enlarged, have your penis lengthened, sue your fucking neighbor, eat three Big Macs, drive 120 mph, pay the ticket, and thank the heavens and the stars that you live in the greatest country in the history of civilization!

IF MY LOVE OF AMERICA DOESN'T BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, MAYBE THIS WILL

I've been speaking to BossLady and the Peanut at least once a day while I've been gone.  The Peanut, being only 2 1/2 years old, doesn't really comprehend the fact that I'm away or understand why I'm gone.  It's been more than a little traumatic for her.  When I spoke to her today, she cried into the phone, "I want to hug and kiss daddy. Where are you, daddy?"

Man, if that doesn't just break your heart, I don't know what will.

.
Lastly, I've got about 20 hours of flying to do this week.  Perfect opportunity for another mailbag.  Leave your questions in the comments or send them to me via e-mail.  Anything goes, my friends.  Ask away!

Comments

[Tony]

>> What's that? You want to tax our colonial asses and subjugate us to the Queen?

Did you mean the King? As in George III?

[Amanda]

I did a lot of traveling in my youth and every time I got home (to the house my parents built with their extreme american entrepreneurism), I had the same reaction. Even after spending three months in Eurpose staying with friends, I wanted to tongue kiss american soil when I returned. Thanks for the reminder!

[Janelle]

Congratulations on being the featured typepad blog of the day. Been reading your archives for the past 3 hours. Fantastic stuff. Your writing is excellent and I'm touched by the great love you have for your wife and daughter.

I'm looking forward to reading more!

[Louise]

I also found you from Typepad. I didn't even know there was such a thing as daddy blogs. Guess there's a blog on every subject these days. Congrats!

[Brent]

Yo, MD. Long time since I've commented. Here's a question for you:

I'm going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party weekend. I've never been there before. Any suggestions on what I should do?

[Jeremy]

I don't mind seeing the fat German tourists on the dance floor when I travel. What kills me is seeing those guys in their skimpy nuthugger bikini bottoms. Man, there ought to be a law against that! Can we amend the Geneva Convention?

[The Other Ruth]

Are the toilets also different in other countries? If so, how?

[Julie]

Is MetroBro still single?

[Leeny]

Hey, MD! I love America, too, and am glad for the opportunity to voice what I feel is wrong with it without getting thrown in jail or worse. My question: Sorry if I missed this somewhere but have you been to Germany? My mother (RIP) was German and we lived there for most of my childhood due to my dad being in the military. We also lived in France and Turkey. Have you been to Turkey?

[Mom101]

So glad you're alive and well MD. That comment about the French throwing out the statue of liberty just had me howling (which hurts my ovaries, so stop that).

Great points about America. I'm glad people abroad can still separate us from our governments. It's a good lesson - for those of us Americans who have trouble doing the same.

[Irene]

do you and my husband happen to have the same father??????

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Ah yes, I remember the America Love from when we were traveling in Southeast Asia. We'd get "Alanis Morisette! My dream is to meet Alanis Morisette!" (even though she's, uh, Canadian) and "how big are your cars in America? How much do they cost? How fast do they go?" There was almost always some resounding excitement when I announced I was from England, as well, and it usually went like this: "David Beckham! Manchester United! BBC World Service!" If I tried to engage the locals in a debate about whether Posh Spice was too thin, they weren't having it -- it was all David Beckham, all the time.

Also, tip to MetroGranddad: bring a pocket-sized pack of face tissues! Toilet paper solution resolved -- now the world is yours!

[momto3cubs]

Great post. It's nice to hear praise of America for a change. Going abroad sure makes you appreciate it. As for the French, apparently they have forgotten how we saved their a$$ more than once.

[James]

I just started reading your blog and I'm completely hooked. My wife is pregnant and the baby is due in a 3 months. My question is...how did your relationship with your wife change after the arrival of the baby?

[Bryan]

MD, I just read somewhere that Mick Jagger is 65. He's older than my dad! And while my dad sits on the couch in his underwear all day, Mick is still rocking the stage and dating young models. How does he do it? Is he on steroids? B-12 shots? What do you think the secret it?

[Maryam in Marrakesh]

Hi there. I am American but am living in Marrakech. While I totally get your point of view on America, I wonder how it would make non-Americans feel who are reading your blog? Maybe highlighting the sort of problem that many people have of us in the first place: we're the biggest, we're the best, we're the most powerful....! I'm sure that is not what you are trying to say. But I just had a Moroccan friend read your post and that was her first thought.

PS I have been to 64 countries and hoping I still have a few good years left in me:-)

Hi MetroDad,

I've thoroughly enjoyed your posts for quite some time now, despite my single status with no kids. Just curious to know how you and the lovely Bosslady met - care to share with your readers?

JJK

[L.]

Here`s a nosey, invasive, obnoxious question:

I`ve noticed that your lovely Boss Lady is a fellow Asia. Has your sexual attraction always (or usually) fallen along racial lines? Or are you equally attracted to white/black/other women, too?

Of course, I ask this question because I`m married to an Asian man whose perfect woman would probably be Catherine Deneauve`s head on a typical Asian woman`s body.

[sweatpantsmom]

Your dad sounds like my dad. He always hated to travel, so my mom went alone. My dad actually once said the words, "Pay a fortune to go take a picture of the pyramids? I can see INSIDE them in National Geographic for free."

And that description of the Parisian girl is like, the best EVER.

[ank]

Odd question for the mailbag:

How do you think you would have turned out if there was no Metro Bro; and how close in age are you two? Trying to decide if a sibling is in the cards for my 18 month boy.

[Cavalier92]

MD -

Today was my first stop by your home here and I get a rockin' first impression. Great writing, deeply felt sentiments and some real insight. Thanks for the great read!

[twizzle]

Great post, MD, although I disagree with you about America being the greatest country. I'd move to France if I could in a heartbeat, even if they hate my yankee ass! Maybe my world view is warped because I've lived in Berkeley for way too fucking long...

Happy travels and be safe!

[Ruth Dynamite]

Why why why haven't I been here before?

Love your words. Love the message about the USA. Love the "beautiful young Parisian girl (that)smelled like a a garbageman eating Gorganzola cheese while getting a perm inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse." Nice.

[jennifer]

A big wooping obnoxious HELL YES! from this expat finally returning to the US after 15 years! Thanks for the perfect post

[kathy]

One comment about he q-tip addiction: As a world traveler you must have at least seen (if not experienced) the crazy ear cleaning rituals in China, right? You know, the one where guys lurk in parks and ask if you'd like for them to stick long metal sticks into your ear and then flick the sticks to make them vibrate... EWWWW!!!

Anyhow, hope you enjoyed Vietnam. As a Vietnamese American I love to hear other people's impression of that beautiful country. BTW--which hotel were you at that had the rap DJ/bar?

[Kim]

Quote: MD: "Nowhere else in the world can individuals rise out of nothing and achieve their dreams" ....

I've got absolutely nothing but love for people of all countries, America included, but you've been to Australia right? You've read about the success stories of people rising up from poverty, or less than poverty, to achieve great thing right? I'm confused at this statement but I'll take it in the good humour you always use cause I'm guessin' it's your loyalty talkin' :) :) :)

Kim
http://adoptingfromthailand.blogspot.com/

[Kim]

Actually, I should amend my last post to say "you've been to every other westernized nation right?"

[Silent reader mother of 2]

Ok, I'm from the otherside of the world. One of the country in South East Asia. I've been to the States and did my bachelor degree for 4 and half years there. I must say or admit that I don't agree with the people who are running your country right now but I do admit that my experience studying in the States is one of the best thing that had happened in my life. There are some truth in your postings :) and I do know some of the readers from my country may not agree with me. Heck, this is my opinion anyway.

Have a safe journey.

[Jaime]

Man, what a great post. I needed to read that. Sometimes to much of "The View" gets me really down about our country, but you perked me right up. I am putting your post on my blog.
Thanks. You Rock!

[BOSSY]

Great blog! Bossy found you because she is also a TypePad blogger, although not a fancy pants Featured Blogger. In fact, Bossy can't get no TypePad love. Cheers!

[Tim]

Great post. Does anyone know when Alec Baldwin is leaving?

[b]

um, you and my husband must be related q tips and all

[Carolyn]

For the mailbag:
What's going on with that name the column contest thingy of months back? Did I just miss this? Entirely possible... I tend to read sporadically and then play catch up. Great post and love the comments! And to follow on jj daddy o above -
"Skiddlee-bop, we rock, a scooby-dooo. guess what America we love you..."
Finally, I just need to say, this thingy right here: "The only problem was that she smelled like a a garbageman eating Gorganzola cheese while getting a perm inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse."
totally made pee-pee laugh. Oh, sorry, maybe too much information. Oh well.

[shadowsofourselves]

I have no idea who you are, but just happened to find your blog while surfing. I didn't catch the whole story.. But, god, I know what you mean.. with your kid on the other end of the phone.. saying "where are you?"

[Colleen]

I'm glad that I'm not the only one that seems to love this country. With living right outside Washington DC you'd swear I was some sort of freak with 3 heads for enjoying the rights/priviledges/comforts of being an American (many of my Democratic friends nearly seem like anti-american communists...surprised they can tolerate a moderate Republican like me in their midst!). Have you read "What's So Great about America" by Dinesh D'Souza? Great read...gives you a good reminder (again!) why we're such a great country and why so many people want to come here.

[Jenny]

I'd have to disagree:America's government sucks