An Open Letter to All Toddlers

Dear Toddlers:

We love you kids.  Really.  Most of the time you're absolutely adorable.  That little thing you do when you wrap both your arms around our necks, kiss us on the cheek, and say, "I love you, daddy"?  Kills us every time.  We can't get enough of that! 

We also love that you're speaking coherently now.  Life is so much easier now that you can verbalize the fact that wearing green socks makes you go completely insane.  Sorry about that.  Really, we had no idea.  Our bad.      

Seeing your imaginations at work these days has been a blast.  It's unbelievably cute watching you use the remote control as a telephone.  We wish you'd stop hiding it though.  Putting it in the refrigerator was a good idea.  We never would have looked there. 

And who knew you toddlers were so damn funny?  We LOVE that "everything is a hat" routine that you do.  When you wrapped daddy's jeans around your head, you looked like the cutest little suicide bomber this side of Tehran!  And that comedy bit about pretending to eat the dog food is the funniest thing since Eddie Murphy's "Raw."  Really, almost everything you do these days totally cracks us up. 

But, listen up, my little 3-foot friends. 

You're not going to be toddlers forever.  Pretty soon, that "being cute" thing is going to start wearing a little thin.  You're going to need to back it up with some serious substance.  After all, the world is filled with formerly cute kids who couldn't quite cut it at the next level.   If you want all this continued love and affection, you're going to need to raise your game. 

Here's some advice.

1. Enough with the whining.  Nobody likes a whiner.  Trust us on this one (if you don't believe us, ask Michael Moore!)  Seriously, you've really got to cut that out.  It's driving us fucking nuts.  Every time you whine (especially in public,) you make us want to leave you on the side of the road.  Besides, if you lazy toddlers ever took the time to run a cost/benefit analysis, you'd notice that the whining thing almost never pays off.  Service with a smile always works better.  Remember that, kiddos.

2. Make a decision and run with it.  This waffling has got to stop.  You toddlers change your minds faster than Rudy Guiliani changes his politics.  Do you want the freaking apple or don't you?  Do you want to go in the stroller or not?  Do you like looking at the pigeons or do they scare the crap out of you?  You're starting to remind us of that schizo ex-girlfriend from college.  Never a good sign.

3. Knock off the diva routine.  You toddlers have a bit of prima donna in you, n'est-ce pas?  I know you're part of the "ME Generation" but many of you behave like some spoiled actor who starts actually believing all the crap his publicists are telling him!  So knock off the Sean Preston Federline act, kiddos.  We're not rock stars.  We're just regular, working parents. No breakfast at noon.  No ice cream for lunch.  And no 24-hour room service.  Ok?   

4. It's NOT yours.  You seem to have adopted a mantra of "If I can see it, it's mine. If you have it, it's mine. If I think about it, it's mine."  Let me tell you something, kiddos.  You know when all of us leave in the morning, only to return home 8 hours later?  We're at work earning a living.  And while we're firm believers in the "mi casa es su casa" philosophy and don't really mind sharing our things with you, you need to ease up a little, ok?  That Blackberry?  Mine.  Those car keys?  Mine.  The cell phone, the sunglasses, the ipod?  Mine, mine, mine.  Please keep your peanut-butter-and-jelly fingers off them. 

5. Show some gratitude.  There is no clean underwear fairy.  There is no magic pop tart machine.  And vomit doesn't just clean itself up.  We have no problem doing all these things for you.  Just don't take them for granted.  After we've spent the past 4 hours blowing bubbles, drawing Elmo, pushing you on the swing, and wiping the dog poop off your shoes, sometimes we just need to hear a little "thank you" from you so that we don't feel like indentured servants. 

Thanks, toddlers.  Feel free to take all of this advice with a grain of salt.  We really do have your best interests at heart.  Besides, in 15 years, you're going to be begging us to buy you a car and you'll totally be sucking up to us. 

Our advice?  Start now!

Love,
Your parents

P.S. Where the heck did you put my Blackberry? 

Comments

[rwc]

Well said. Mi dos centavos -

Some night when Bosslady is out teach the Peanut to say "Thank you beautiful momma" instead of just thanks.

The next morning when she says it live - golden.

[cathy]

Long time reader, first time commentor. Just wanted to come out of the woods to say that I'm amazed how you keep coming up with these great posts. This was one of my favorites. Thanks, MD!

[tootsie]

Read a lot of these open letters to toddlers on the 'net. This one was by far the best.

[Waya]

Classic MD! So we're not the only with Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. I mean, I'm pulling my hair out b/c of my middle child, Trent. I told the hubbie that if we had him first, then I wouldn't be knocked up 4 times over!! Seriously!

[Waya]

My math is so wrong, I meant to say three times over. Holy cow, the thought of having 5 kids...**shudder**

[whit]

what the other 55 people said

[Mama Nabi]

HA HA HA HA HA HA! <--- that was me laughing with you, not at you. It's fabulous that other parents of toddlers are also suffering... keeps me from poking my eyes out with freshly sharpened pencils. "Daddy change my diaper!" "Noooooo! Mommy do it!" "Noooooo! Daddy, daddy do it." "Nooooo! Bloody hell, can't either of you follow a simple instruction? You - no, you - no, no, no, you - no, YOU change my diaper!" In the end, we leave her on the change table with her best friend, Elmo, to do the best he can.

[thinkdaddy]

Great post. I'd have to add number 6: "No -- it was NOT an accident."

[sweatpantsmom]

WHAT?! Whining doesn't work? Don't tell my husband - how do you think I got this ring?

[mo-wo]

I love this post. (And, do I have a post for you! feel free to substitute yes master!)

I think I had to read this about 5 times and YESIRRREEE. I love this post.

[Corky]

Ha! Thanks for the memories, MD! I really miss those days.....NOT!

[richard]

One of the funniest things I've ever read! As the father of a 2.5 year old, I'm sharing your pain (and joy!)

[Gayle]

Mama Nabi - that is the exact conversation we have with our toddler at least once a day. No mommy, no daddy... Make up your mind!!!! We need an Elmo to change her diaper too... And now she's figured out how to take her diaper off at will.

[Ryan]

I can't wait when the Peanut gets older and you follow this up with "An Open Letter to All Teenagers." Should be equally hilarious!

[RookieMom Heather]

Too bad the little buggers can't read so good.

[Mom101]

You are brilliant, as always. I think I laughed hardest at the "everything is a hat" line.

[Kiran]

My first time here and am loving it...

[Mike]

Hysterical letter. So true (because my little farm animal is doing all of this). And so funny, because yours is. :)

and might I add a #6?

#6) Whenever mommy and daddy try to exchange a word with each other is NOT your window of opportunity to amp up behaviors 1 through 4 outlined above! (all evidence to the contrary)

[urban-urchin]

I'm printing this out and supergluing it to my two years forehead.

[Kara]

Love this!! I wonder if my 2 year old and one year old will read it??

[Her Bad Mother]

Printing this out and laminating it and - maybe, just maybe - turning it into a board book and reading it to WB EVERY DAY.

[janet]

Add me to the list of people who will recite this every day to my toddlers (until they reach the teenage years!) Thanks, MD. This was great!

[Kim]

Hmmm, I *was* thinkin' of getting me one of those li'l peanuts but ... now, I invoke the female right to change my mind.

[babytalkers]

That is awesome! Having a toddler myself, I can totally relate. Loved it. Going to post it on my site. :)

[FENICLE]

Hell ya! Right on! I cannot stand the indecisiveness of a toddler.
"I want my milk in the red cup."
Put the milk in the red cup.
"I want it in the green cup."
Put milk in the green cup.
"I wanted it in the red cup!"
**Bang head on wall**

[itchingtowrite]

good one.. i empathise deeply

[Rohini]

Lovely. Shows that you have a girl though. If I had written this, there would definitely been something about the kicking, biting and slapping...

[The Bayou Chica]

Cool! You nailed it.

[Lori]

Seriously, do you live at my house? With my two year old? Because it sure sounds like you know what's been going on over here lately...

Great post, MD!

[Sunita]

Hillarious!! Loved it.

[Ania]

Lol, totally crackin me up. Loved it! :)

[JIll Asher]

Ok, this is the BEST post I have read in a very, very, very long time! Thank you. I am printing it out and saving it for my (now) seven and four year old... who are really cute (for now) and know that I will fear them when they are teens! Yikes!!!

[Jessica Ashley/Sassafrass]

Sorry it took long to get to this but you are right - beautifully funny. And it is exactly how a fourteen year old acts only more verbally and loudly and with the support of the whole peer group. Read it again then. Love, ma

[momofa3yearold]

Too funny and so so true

[Lullabyes And Goodnight]

Thanks for the laugh this early in the morning.

[Kelsey]

Sounds more like my baby daddy than my son.

[InTheWoods]

after yet another knock down, drag out round with my 3 yr old, I logged on the computer and googled "my toddler is driving me fucking crazy!" I came across this and haven't stopped laughing! Thanks for bringing me back from the edge!

[Jrock]

My brotha! You are back! I read this one again, now that my daughter is 2 years old. I FEEL IT! Oh this is more beautiful than ever! I'm so glad you're back!

[Duminy]

My son had it when he was about a month old and i tried everything for ecezma on it none of it worked just made it worse so FINALLY i tried A D 3 in 1 ointment and that worked great. It's also good for diaper rashes scapes , cuts and burns so i always have it and keep it in the diaper bag. Only cost about 3 bucks at Kmart..Good luck . A D made my son's completely go away and it never came back which is rare even my dr said that because ecezma usually does. Hope that helps

[Alexander]

Hi Cheryl, it is normal for todlreds to fondle themselves they are exploring their entire body, it is only as adults that we place fondling private parts' as taboo. In respect to the redness, if you are concerned I would take her to the doctor, she could have picked up any number of things from creche, from playing in the sand to many other things. The most important thing to remember is to help cultivate a healthy attitude towards her body both sexually, emotionally and physically this means that she mustn't come to believe that there is any thing wrong' with her or that she is behaving badly in any way. Her private parts are just another part of her body and shouldn't be seen as dirty' or bad' in any way either by yourself or by her women have a hard time in this world and we need to help our daughters as much as possible from an early age to practice self-love and acceptance

[Amine]

hiI have a four year old daughter and renlctey found out that she is foundling herself. i have noticed that her private part is red and she complains that it is sore when she washes.i am shocked and have no idea how to approached her and find out where has she seen this been done before, i have asked her why it is sore but she keeps quiet.My daughter does go to creche, could she have picked it up from their?Did i do something wrong, maybe not explaining to her what her private part is for .Very confused mother

[Maria]

/ Every night we would read and practice our signs. By the time she was one year old, she could sign the signs from this book. Ok, her signs were not perefct but I knew what she was talking about. Learning signs has really helped with her communicating with us. I am so glad she learned the signs. Now, at 2 years old, she talks and uses the signs to help us understand.

[Mounire]

It's their fault they're pregnant! I'm not even in high scohol yet and I'm afraid of someone getting me pregnant. Getting raped is one thing, but knowing what you're doing is another. They shouldn't even be having sex in the first place!

[Alexei]

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[Ilir]

- I imagine that you prceossed your own images in college (I did). Remember the magic of a color darkroom. I have a box of some of my old work that I secretly go smell sometimes to remember all those long nights printing film darkroom chemicals, it may be weird but sooooooo good.

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