An Open Letter to All Toddlers

Dear Toddlers:

We love you kids.  Really.  Most of the time you're absolutely adorable.  That little thing you do when you wrap both your arms around our necks, kiss us on the cheek, and say, "I love you, daddy"?  Kills us every time.  We can't get enough of that! 

We also love that you're speaking coherently now.  Life is so much easier now that you can verbalize the fact that wearing green socks makes you go completely insane.  Sorry about that.  Really, we had no idea.  Our bad.      

Seeing your imaginations at work these days has been a blast.  It's unbelievably cute watching you use the remote control as a telephone.  We wish you'd stop hiding it though.  Putting it in the refrigerator was a good idea.  We never would have looked there. 

And who knew you toddlers were so damn funny?  We LOVE that "everything is a hat" routine that you do.  When you wrapped daddy's jeans around your head, you looked like the cutest little suicide bomber this side of Tehran!  And that comedy bit about pretending to eat the dog food is the funniest thing since Eddie Murphy's "Raw."  Really, almost everything you do these days totally cracks us up. 

But, listen up, my little 3-foot friends. 

You're not going to be toddlers forever.  Pretty soon, that "being cute" thing is going to start wearing a little thin.  You're going to need to back it up with some serious substance.  After all, the world is filled with formerly cute kids who couldn't quite cut it at the next level.   If you want all this continued love and affection, you're going to need to raise your game. 

Here's some advice.

1. Enough with the whining.  Nobody likes a whiner.  Trust us on this one (if you don't believe us, ask Michael Moore!)  Seriously, you've really got to cut that out.  It's driving us fucking nuts.  Every time you whine (especially in public,) you make us want to leave you on the side of the road.  Besides, if you lazy toddlers ever took the time to run a cost/benefit analysis, you'd notice that the whining thing almost never pays off.  Service with a smile always works better.  Remember that, kiddos.

2. Make a decision and run with it.  This waffling has got to stop.  You toddlers change your minds faster than Rudy Guiliani changes his politics.  Do you want the freaking apple or don't you?  Do you want to go in the stroller or not?  Do you like looking at the pigeons or do they scare the crap out of you?  You're starting to remind us of that schizo ex-girlfriend from college.  Never a good sign.

3. Knock off the diva routine.  You toddlers have a bit of prima donna in you, n'est-ce pas?  I know you're part of the "ME Generation" but many of you behave like some spoiled actor who starts actually believing all the crap his publicists are telling him!  So knock off the Sean Preston Federline act, kiddos.  We're not rock stars.  We're just regular, working parents. No breakfast at noon.  No ice cream for lunch.  And no 24-hour room service.  Ok?   

4. It's NOT yours.  You seem to have adopted a mantra of "If I can see it, it's mine. If you have it, it's mine. If I think about it, it's mine."  Let me tell you something, kiddos.  You know when all of us leave in the morning, only to return home 8 hours later?  We're at work earning a living.  And while we're firm believers in the "mi casa es su casa" philosophy and don't really mind sharing our things with you, you need to ease up a little, ok?  That Blackberry?  Mine.  Those car keys?  Mine.  The cell phone, the sunglasses, the ipod?  Mine, mine, mine.  Please keep your peanut-butter-and-jelly fingers off them. 

5. Show some gratitude.  There is no clean underwear fairy.  There is no magic pop tart machine.  And vomit doesn't just clean itself up.  We have no problem doing all these things for you.  Just don't take them for granted.  After we've spent the past 4 hours blowing bubbles, drawing Elmo, pushing you on the swing, and wiping the dog poop off your shoes, sometimes we just need to hear a little "thank you" from you so that we don't feel like indentured servants. 

Thanks, toddlers.  Feel free to take all of this advice with a grain of salt.  We really do have your best interests at heart.  Besides, in 15 years, you're going to be begging us to buy you a car and you'll totally be sucking up to us. 

Our advice?  Start now!

Love,
Your parents

P.S. Where the heck did you put my Blackberry? 

Comments

[vantui]

Amen.

[Jen]

That was FREAKIN' GREAT!

[Josie]

where was this 16 yrs ago for my teen?
loved it.

[Lois]

This should be required reading at every daycare center and nursery school in the country!

[evilynmo]

Eddie Murphey's Raw is hilarious, period.

I am so not looking forward to Toddlerhood, and it is staring me down.

[Baun]

I don't have any kids and this still cracked me up! Another hilarious post.

Just a guess, but I'd check the fridge for the BlackBerry.

[the new girl]

hil.ar.i.ous.

[metro mama]

Ah, if only they could read.

[Rachel]

Ha! So true, all of it.

[Issa]

I freaking love this. I'm with someone above...too bad they can't read.

Look in her toy box and any shoebox/purse that she carries around for the Crackberry. Just trust me on this one.

[Anne Glamore]

Priceless!

Unfortunately, although I have no toddlers left, I still have to say "I do not run a restaurant or a laundromat" about twice a week.

At least they fix their own pb&js.

[Hygiene Dad]

You get more and more brilliant every time you post. I loved this one.

[landismom]

Hahahahaha!

The Peanut's developing a healthy sense of entitlement, I see. She should grow out of it in ten or fifteen years. (I hope, anyway.)

Sigh....

[iflyg]

That's gold!

[Chad]

Awesome. Thanks for reminding me that my son is just behaving like a normal two-year-old. I can relate to everything on the list, especially the waffling. A typical dinnertime conversation in our house goes like this:
Me: Here's your beans.
Him: I don't like it.
Me: But... you just asked for them.
Him: I don't like it!
Me: Sure you do. You eat beans all the time.
Him: No beans! I DON'T LIKE IT!!!

[Heather]

Awesome! Well done.

[Vampdaddy]

Brilliant...

By the way toddlers, while we're on the sbuject -- could you also do us a favor and, when you get your hands on our cell phones, not call a foreign country or delete our contact list? That would be peachy. Thanks.

[kim]

Best thing I've read all day!

[leora]

You nailed it perfectly, MD! As much as I loved the toddler stage, it almost killed me!

[sadaf trimarchi]

MD,

there has to be a way to incorporate your open letter into an age appropriate bed time story with loads of colorful illustrations. I'd be game for reading that a few times every night out loud.

[vanessa]

OMG, I LOVE this post. As the mother of a 3 year old, this pretty much perfectly sums it up. Thanks for making my day!

[Briana]

I heart you, Metrodad!

[Julie]

"Nobody likes a whiner. If you don't believe us, ask Michael Moore!" Bwahahaha!

[Latia]

Tru dat.

But this reminds me of my boyfriend too:
Boobies? MINE
TV remote? MINE
Computer? MINE

Funny how toddlers and immature men are so similar.

[kittenpie]

The whining I can handle. (I just tell her I can't hear that range and she must talk normally. It works.)I get thank you's frequently and she gets nothing without a please. But the waffling? It's driving me FUCKING BONKERS! Seriously, if you figure that one out, let me know. So far, I'm just trying to make her live with a few of her lesser choices.

[FledTheAsylum]

Amen, brother.

Now, drawing Elmo... Is this on the magnadoodle, ms paint, sidewalk chalk? Because I get that same request everywhere.

Also, my 2 y/o, who has only left Texas to go to Arizona, demands I draw snowmen...in April...in Houston.

Elmo, Snowman, airplane. Good thing I took sketching in college.

[Sheri]

Amen,
Although my kids are officially preschoolers, I don't see this behavior easing up anytime soon. Oh well, I asked for them, and here they are.

[Matthew]

Oh man. I'm starting to get glimpses of all this behavior.

And if my wife finds the remote in the fridge, I'm going to have to take the fall or I'll get accused of "not watching them closely." I mean, they eat a little cat food and you're branded irresponsible forever.

[Carol Snider]

As the mother of TWO 17-year-olds, a 19-year-old and a 22-year-old (who, I must admit, have just stayed hilarious), I can only say SAVE THIS, put it on the fridge and leave it there for the next 14 years. Change the salutation as necessary, but leave the rest as is!

Carol

[Lara]

Hilarious - much-needed laugh after a tough afternoon. Nice to see that we're not the only household with a cute manic-depressive megalomaniac.

The high-stakes waffling - "Pink spoon! No! Geen! Geen spoon! NOOOO!! PINK SPOON!!" - always reminds me of this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=4b4bGAoVR7g

[SciFi Dad]

Personal anecdote from last night's dinner:

Do you want some of Daddy's pasta?

No sanks.

takes pasta off fork and eats it

[William]

There is no clean underwear fairy? really?

[Charlie]

Hilarious, and true. I have to say, we have been going through a spot of bad behavior with my 3 year-old but th principles in the Love and Logic books/videos/lectures have really, really helped. I recommend this to any parent. The key theme is: consequences, immediately and finally, with empathy. "How sad! We have to take that away now and sit in time out. Tough break." As opposed to, "What the... one more time and you are going into time out for a YEAR!" Has done wonders for my boy, and me, too.

I am looking forward to more posts on the crazy stuff that must be coming out of Peanut's mouth as she gets more articulate. Always a hoot!

[Laura]

Sheer parental genius-ness!!

[Peter]

Right on the money Metro.
Great Post.

[John]

"You toddlers change your minds faster than Rudy Guiliani changes his politics."

Both are so true!

[Amber]

priceless. I am printing it off and handing it to my 3 yr old when I pick him up from preschool.

[Lori]

This was great! I love hearing things from a dad's perspective. It's nice to see that mommies aren't the only ones dealing with toddler tantrums.

[heather]

This really resonated with me! I read your blog all the time, but am a first time poster. The obsession with the blackberry has not waned in the 5 years that I have had it...now when asking my 7 year old to help unload the dishwasher, she will counteroffer "I'll do the dishwasher, if you give me the password to unlock your blackberry". Ooooh, the power plays!

Great writing...keep it up!

[Jana]

My daughter's new favorite saying is "I've changed my mind."

Plus last night she hid her dad's ipod. Sneaky sneak.

I'm printing this and teaching her to read pronto.

[Regina]

Peanut butter and jelly stains are my mortal enemy! With 3 kids, I don't even bother buying white blouses anymore.

[MyKianaKeiki]

If only the Keiki could read this, I'd be set. After our tantrum ridden, parent bickering morning, this was the perfect read.
Thanks MetroDad for bring the laughter back!

[Sal]

Oh! Those great two years old! Wait until she gets three and you become her archenemy... you'll think that two were adorable and so easy....

[Brian]

Hilarious! I don't even have kid and I laughed my ass off at this post. Good one, MD.

[Darren a/k/a Clare's Dad]

This is going on the refrigerator. No kid should get out of kindergarten without being able to recite it.

[misfithausfrau]

So true, Metro. It got to the point where we told our girls that NOTHING is theirs'. It is all mine and I allow them to borrow.

[LeeMarvin]

Great Post, MD.

(I hate to say this, but) YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY BOSS, and a few people I work with. I don't have a toddler at home, but according to your post, there's no shortage of them at work!

Thanks for the laughs.

[Jimmy]

At least you found your remote, MD. Our has been missing for 2 weeks!

[thomas Romer]

i agree. lots of comments here. i have blog envy.

[pnuts mama]

MD, you are awesome. perfect post. seriously. and, thanks.