The Omen: Damien Lives In My Hood!

Three posts in one week!  I do believe that's an all-time record for this blog! 

Not because I don't have much to say but because, these days, I spend most of my free time trying to figure out whether my lovely daughter is schizophrenic or just exhibiting normal two-year-old behavior ("I love you! Come here! Gimme a donut! Go away! That's mine! I don't like you! Kiss me!  Get out!")

I'll save the details about the Peanut's bi-polarity for a future post.  Today, I'm writing because I have some incredible news to share with all of you good readers.  Not just any news but the kind of life-altering event that makes you look at the world from a whole new perspective.   Ready for it?

This week, I looked evil straight in the eye and I survived to tell the tale!

See...every day when I pick up the Peanut from daycare, the two of us love to sit on the stoop outside our building and wait for BossLady to come home.  While we wait, we play all these fun games together. 

For example, on our block, there's a deli with a window facing out on the street.  Peanut and I both think it's the acme of belly-aching hilarity when I throw her up in the air so that when the people inside the deli look out the window, all they see is a flying 2-year-old coming out of nowhere.  Every time I toss her up and she's suspended in mid-air, she waves at everyone inside and yells, "Hi!"

Another game we play is called, "Is THAT your mommy?"  We sit side by side and I point at random women and ask Peanut whether that's her mommy.

The other day, I pointed to a woman that we know from the neighborhood.  As soon as I asked Peanut, "Is that your mommy?", her 7-year-old son came running up to me and, in a truly demonic voice (at least 5 octaves lower than any normal pre-pubescent child,) screamed, "NO!  THAT'S MY MOMMMMMMY!" 

Then?  He reached across both my arms and scratched them so hard with his claws that he drew blood!

The little shit then runs back to his mother (who doesn't do a damn thing!) and turns to shoot me the most terrifyingly evil stare I've ever seen in my 38 years on this planet (and remember, I'm Korean.  Nobody on the planet gives death stares like Koreans.)  

I swear the look on this kid's face and the sheer hate spewing from his eyes sent shivers through my bones.  If evil has a face, I'm pretty sure this was it.  Three days later, I'm STILL having nightmares about it. 

Everyone in the neighborhood knows he's a weird kid with a lot of issues but it's only now that I'm realizing that he may truly be the Antichrist.  I've already sent out e-mails to all my neighbors advising them to keep a close eye on their pets and I plan on warning all the local priests as well. 

When I tell some of my friends this story, their normal response is, "Ha Ha, you're so funny, Pierre!  I'm sure the kid isn't THAT bad!  You're just exaggerating." 

Oh yeah?  Well then, how come the kid's best friend is a fucking hamster with a knife in its forehead?  How come his eyes glow red?  Why does he chop the heads off his stuffed animals?  Why is that whenever he's near me, I hear lightening and thunder?  And isn't that ever-present baseball cap on his head just there to cover up the horns?

Ok, so I made some of that shit up but am I really overreacting?  After all, Ted Bundy killed his first victim at the age of 14.  And everyone knows that kids are growing up faster these days, right? 

Have any of you ever met a kid that you felt sure was going to grow up and be a complete sociopath?  One who bore more than a faint resemblance to the Antichrist?

What should I do?  Check his head for the sign of the beast?  Look for horns?  Stock up on holy water?  Hang onion and garlic on my front door?  Buy everyone I love some Armor of God PJs?  Alert the authorities?   

Please help, dear readers!  I really love our neighborhood and I don't want to move because of young Satan!

Comments

[BR]

Whoa Nelly, It's not as if you just refused to buy his Cub Scout popcorn. You're talking about his mother! A kid who defends his mother isn't one I would worry about - at least you had it coming :-) It's the Ted Bundy types who use our humanity against us that are truly scary. If the kid starts being nice to the Peanut, that's when you have to move!

[Krista]

My little cousin, who is four, said to me the last time I saw her
"I'm going to cut your head open to see what's inside." This kid comes from a very nice family who is bewildered when crap like that or "I'm going to gut you!" (screamed at her older sister) comes out of her mouth.

[MikeyMike]

I must be a horrible person, I'm the only who actually advocated real physical harm to him.

My journey to the Dark Side is complete. Well, OK, after I pass the bar, it's complete.

[elsu]

MikeyMike, if you're a horrible person, then so am I. See my comment above.

[Eliza]

I've met plenty of kids like that, so glad they all moved away. Good luck.

[Mama Nabi]

I think you should buy the Armor of God PJs for the kid - see if he breaks out in boils and spews green shit out of his mouth. It would have been funny if Peanut ran to the mom and said, "Your kid scratched my daddddddddyyyyyyy!!" and jabbed her or something.

[Wendy Boals]

I don't know if I'd be more wary of the possible Antichrist or the Armor of God PJ's.......

[Leta]

I hope you are up to date on your tetanus or whatever shots you might need. I haven't run into the Antichrist lately, but I'm certain my 4 year old niece is going to grow up to be one hell of a shitty teenager. Already lies to get out of trouble, hides, is manipulative, is mean to other (younger) kids, etc. Perhaps we can move away during those formative years.

[half old girl]

Those P.J.s look highly flammable.

[Lila]

I wish I had advice here. We're currently moving house because we just happen to live in the Village of the Damned at the moment. We have one child in particular who is just demon spawn straightout. There is no silver lining with this kid. He is in my daughter's kindergarten class as well so he often targets her due to familiarity. This kid roughs everyone else's kids up, spits on other kids, pisses on other children's property (poor little Kortnie and her brand new Barbie Jeep), also smashes their property to bits. He is full of very unclassy, very adult comments. He tries to makeout with the other kids. He destroys property of the apartment complex. Knocks screens out of the laundry room windows so he can climb through the windows and urinate in the dryers. Good luck talking to his mother either, she's one of the people who use what I like to call embarrassment induced parenting. She only stops him from doing something if she sees other people are watching and will weakly scold him if you call her attention to something he has done. The second she goes back inside he's back at it. He of course has an ed tech who sits with him in class at school. All day long so that one broken child doesn't attempt to shank another child. This isn't the answer.

[mike]

until theres housekeepers hanging themselves from rooftops, ur ok.

[JuleS]

hahah.. the end of ur post sounded almost like Roald Dahl's book 'The Witches'

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[May]

If you sleep with a ceiling fan rinunng, you are in a slow draft which can cause stiff necks in the morning. Been there, done that, got the stiff neck. Also re-direct the air vents from the cars air conditioning. If your stiff neck seems to be all day long then I would definitely seek medical advice since it could be the beginning of a more serious illness. If meningitis is suspected, a blood test will be done. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

[Julio]

I hate being so far away from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoping everything goes smlhooty for you now sis and you're moaning like you were at 41 weeks with MissB and then have a natural delivery xxx (Ok I don't really hope you go overdue but you know what I mean) xxx

[Clementine]

Ruth / Damn addiction. Just *damn* the way it dretsoys the addict's very center and life force. I am so sorry. But she did a very big wonderful thing in her life. She saved a kid.

[Carlos]

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[Jarteh]

Yes, he's good as are you.On a different note do you still have your sammurit 35? I'm just itching to get my hands on one and would love to see some more images with it (for purely selfish reasons).

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