Not because I don't have much to say but because, these days, I spend most of my free time trying to figure out whether my lovely daughter is schizophrenic or just exhibiting normal two-year-old behavior ("I love you! Come here! Gimme a donut! Go away! That's mine! I don't like you! Kiss me! Get out!")
I'll save the details about the Peanut's bi-polarity for a future post. Today, I'm writing because I have some incredible news to share with all of you good readers. Not just any news but the kind of life-altering event that makes you look at the world from a whole new perspective. Ready for it?
This week, I looked evil straight in the eye and I survived to tell the tale!
See...every day when I pick up the Peanut from daycare, the two of us love to sit on the stoop outside our building and wait for BossLady to come home. While we wait, we play all these fun games together.
For example, on our block, there's a deli with a window facing out on the street. Peanut and I both think it's the acme of belly-aching hilarity when I throw her up in the air so that when the people inside the deli look out the window, all they see is a flying 2-year-old coming out of nowhere. Every time I toss her up and she's suspended in mid-air, she waves at everyone inside and yells, "Hi!"
Another game we play is called, "Is THAT your mommy?" We sit side by side and I point at random women and ask Peanut whether that's her mommy.
The other day, I pointed to a woman that we know from the neighborhood. As soon as I asked Peanut, "Is that your mommy?", her 7-year-old son came running up to me and, in a truly demonic voice (at least 5 octaves lower than any normal pre-pubescent child,) screamed, "NO! THAT'S MY MOMMMMMMY!"
Then? He reached across both my arms and scratched them so hard with his claws that he drew blood!
The little shit then runs back to his mother (who doesn't do a damn thing!) and turns to shoot me the most terrifyingly evil stare I've ever seen in my 38 years on this planet (and remember, I'm Korean. Nobody on the planet gives death stares like Koreans.)
I swear the look on this kid's face and the sheer hate spewing from his eyes sent shivers through my bones. If evil has a face, I'm pretty sure this was it. Three days later, I'm STILL having nightmares about it.
Everyone in the neighborhood knows he's a weird kid with a lot of issues but it's only now that I'm realizing that he may truly be the Antichrist. I've already sent out e-mails to all my neighbors advising them to keep a close eye on their pets and I plan on warning all the local priests as well.
When I tell some of my friends this story, their normal response is, "Ha Ha, you're so funny, Pierre! I'm sure the kid isn't THAT bad! You're just exaggerating."
Oh yeah? Well then, how come the kid's best friend is a fucking hamster with a knife in its forehead? How come his eyes glow red? Why does he chop the heads off his stuffed animals? Why is that whenever he's near me, I hear lightening and thunder? And isn't that ever-present baseball cap on his head just there to cover up the horns?
Ok, so I made some of that shit up but am I really overreacting? After all, Ted Bundy killed his first victim at the age of 14. And everyone knows that kids are growing up faster these days, right?
Have any of you ever met a kid that you felt sure was going to grow up and be a complete sociopath? One who bore more than a faint resemblance to the Antichrist?
What should I do? Check his head for the sign of the beast? Look for horns? Stock up on holy water? Hang onion and garlic on my front door? Buy everyone I love some Armor of God PJs? Alert the authorities?
Please help, dear readers! I really love our neighborhood and I don't want to move because of young Satan!