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March 25, 2007

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hello insomnia

Your playlist is my Bershon soundtrack. With every song, I can picture my eighth-grade self giving the "whatever!" face to the camera.

Hannah's Daddy

Your list of ten things to know about the fairer sex reminded me of the opposite list, which I received about ten years ago. It's references are dated, but I expect that you will enjoy it all the moreso because of it:

Some Facts for Women To Know About Men:

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there
are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curly is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

AlieMalie

you know, MD, if you're going to post embarrassing photos, you might as well start with one of you after your recent ski trip.

dude, we know you have them.

you yourself even said women have incredible bullshit meters so don't even try to deny it and say there's no photographic evidence.

hehe.

Tamara

Thank god I'm not the only one still listening to Bizarre Love Triangle!
(or Tears for Fears, or the Clash ...)

Glennia

I can't wait for the MD bershon photos. I'm listening to IZ (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole), because I am wishing we were still on vacation in Kauai.

Nomadic One

Thank you for making me feel not-so-badly for downloading a couple of Tears for Fears songs a few weeks back. I am not alone!

This is late but, glad you had fun in Colorado...BTW, those people were not racists, they were just idiots and they are everywhere (I happen to run into them frequently, much to my dismay)--it's an educational opportunity for my Munchkin (much to her dismay!).

MammaLoves

The tournament really is getting in the way of my blogging as well. Go Florida!!

If you find those 80's pictures look for your prom pics too. We're having a blog prom. I'd love to hear about yours!

Hygiene Dad

I owened three skinny leather ties and had feathered hair to look like Kevin Bacon. I need to find those pictures too.

Lips Like Sugar...damn fine song.. as were the other six. Loved Echo & TB.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one with problems of parental technology. My favorite was "Can I post a regular ad on Craiglist or does it have to be a sexual one?" Geeez Ma, there are so many things wrong with that sentence.

IFLYG

I'm definitely still in the 80's, too...over the weekend I was drinking wine, and downloaded "She Blinded Me With Science" by Thomas Dolby, "Tenderness" by General Public, "Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club, "Lucky Number" by Lene Lovich...and a bunch of other classics.

William

Women nag because there is nothing on TV? So it is the Networks fault.

Mr. Big Dubya

Songs I have heard since coming into work this morning:

Shoplifters of the World - The Smiths (playing right now)

Don't Go - Yaz

But Not Tonight - Depeche Mode

Are Friends Electric - Gary Numan

Blasphemous Rumors - DM

Bedbugs and Ballyhoo - Echo and the Bunnymen

Never Stop - Echo

Bigmouth Strikes Again - The Smiths

In the Night - Pet Shop Boys

Boys Don't Cry - The Cure

True Faith ('94) - New Order

Absolute Beginners - The Jam

That's Entertainment - Morrissey (The Jam cover)

Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, it's still 1985 and I am sitting at my desk in pegged, pin-striped Cotler jeans, wearing a Polo buttoned to the top and sporting a pair of Adidas Gazelles. There may or may not be a Members Only jacket hanging on hook behind the door, but I'll never tell.

janie

Although I still find myself listening to A LOT of Cure, DM, and New Order, I'd totally forgotten about The Jam and The Communards. I'm off to itunes right now. Thanks a LOT, MD!

Anne Glamore

1. Everyone's having 80's flashbacks. We heard Howard Jones's "Things Can Only Get Better" the other night. Talk about high school memories- I could almost feel the fingerless black lace gloves on my hands.

2. Jason, go ahead and start practicing clipping your finger and toenails over the trashcan. Then you'll have one less shocking thing to get used to during that first year of marriage.

But take heart-- BEING married is a hell of a lot more fun than GETTING married.

And bj's don't always require jewelry. You can buy her furniture instead.

Anne Glamore

Jenna

5. Sometimes the answer to the question "Is something wrong?" is really no.

Thank you. Honestly, if only more men would recognize this. Sometimes what's wrong is that you won't stop asking us what's wrong.

And that's a great playlist. Bizarre Love Triangle is my phone's ringtone and I laugh whenever I hear it. Good times.

leora

You crack me up, MD. I can only imagine what kind of havoc you caused on the urbanbaby message boards. Those women must have gone insane replying to your threads.

Sara

Here is the advice that my dad gave to my husband not too long ago (maybe he was just figuring it out himself after 28 years)--

The following phrases can be used in any order when you realize that you may have unknowingly angered your woman, or at any other time you deem appropriate to use them:
1. I'm sorry.
2. It's all my fault.
3. It'll never happen again.

It's funny, even though I know the "trick," it still seems to make things better to hear him say "It's all my fault," etc.

~Sara

Woman with Kids

Jason, when your future wife asks you if she looks fat in these pants, without hesitation reply that she is unbelievable sexy. Period, the end. Because any other answer is cause to argue with you, because in some way, you are wrong.

Evilynmo

Woman with Kids is so right! My hubs must have been prepped before we met because he just has a knee jerk reaction to "How do I look?" No matter what I am wearing/doing/being/impersonating he says I look sexy and hot. Even though I know I am being "played" it totally works every time. Smart hubs!

whit

You guys are old. I wasn't even born in the 80's.

I thought you all listened to New Kids on the Block and Color Me Bad.

David

Metrodad - that's my Golden Age of music. Thanks for the memories.

Amy


"Is it really bad to smoke weed during pregnancy? DH says it's ok as long as I stop by the 32nd week."

You have no idea how much I love you for this. I'm so glad I stopped by today, this made my whole day.

Mikeymike

I call shenanigans an your conversation on your mother.

Was your mother on some sort of heavy sedative during that conversation? How did she not go baliistic and blow out your eardrum? How did the backlash not reach your brother, and if it did, how come he did not call and confront you about the nagging he recieved as a result of your flippancy?

How did she not bring up every single horrible thing you may have done in your life, all over again?

I'm perplexed.

Susie

I love the idea of you messing with all the urbanbaby mommies. I used to check out the board when I first got pregnant but I couldn't stand all the petty bickering and judgemental comments. Good for you that you messed with them!

Julia

I just wanted to thank you for COMPLETELY ruining my day! I've been on itunes for the past hour downloading all these 80's alternative songs. I'm having a blast!

kittenpie

hey, sometimes it does not mean granny panties. If she's getting good response for the thong, she might put in a concerted effort to find one she's comfy in and wear them every day. But it is your job to give good flirt to keep it worth her while! (And as a general rule, flirt with her and make her feel like you think she's hot if you want some action. It keeps her closer to the mood, so it's easier to start stuff.)

And me, I'm all about the gaddamned beanbag song right now because I'm trying to learn it for work. And I'm sewing beanbags while I'm at it. Gah. Hopefully I have soemthing better by next month!

KC

My song on repeat "U and UR hand" by Pink.

You have some good tips for Jason, especially #10. Although the granny panties is definitely not true.

I would add:
11) There is no maid.
12) And it's not "nagging" it's "loving reminders".

Jenny

I can get jewelry for bjs? Crap! I've been doing this all wrong!

honglien123

A few more things for Jason to know about wives:

-Sometimes we just want you to shut up, listen, and agree.

-Doing chores without being asked will take you far.

BJ mama

I have my husband on a points system. Take out the garbage? 1 point. Clean the garage? 2 points. etc. When he reaches 50 points, he gets a blow job!

pnuts mama

jason, you can also get a bj from cleaning the bathroom, including the shower *and* the floor. also, we wouldn't have to nag if you just took the initiative to do it yourself on your own or the first time we reminded you.

MD, do you get digital TV? we get it over the air, and we have this station called the tube on 11-2. it is friggin awesome! so many songs from the 80's and our pnut loves to dance along with her nerdy parents as we wax nostalgic about the good old days of atari and the commodore 64. it is shocking how many words we remember- and fun to make new versions of the songs to current pnut events. good times!

misfithausfrau

I LOVES me some First Wave. Every time I think they are starting to play a little too much Depeche Mode (I didn't think there was such a thing) they redeem themselves by playing some Echo, New Order or Smiths. Sirius rocks

velocibadgergirl

I'm totally digging that Regina Spektor track called "Fidelity."

Another tip about womankind. Never EVER say anything along the lines of "You're eating AGAIN?" or "Another cookie?" Not to stereotype, but to the female ear, that sounds almost exactly like, "God, you fatass. Put down the carbs and back away while you can still fit through the door!" My otherwise sensible husband learned this one the hard way.

KG

Talking like a man from the future to your mom --- ROFL!!! I am so going to try it (especially talking like a man even though I'm a woman --- I wonder what mom will do?).

YEAH, Bershon photos!

I'm currently listening to:
- Voices Carry - 'Til Tuesday
- Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol
- You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby - The Smiths
- Don't Let Go - Pacha Massive
- One - U2
- Mr. Writer - Stereophonics
- Rehab - Amy Winehouse
- Common People - Pulp

Velma

I'm currently not listening to much of anything, but I can proudly say I've got The Cars "Let's Go" as my cell ring tone. Unfortunately, the snippet they chose for the ring tone gets me a few glances askance while hauling the kids around:

"...da da da, da da da... I like the nightlife, baby!"

Izzy

Ooooh, I LOVE every single one of your seven songs. Thanks for playing along :)

PS: Metrodad with a Flock of Seagulls 'do? Someone pinch me!!!

Brian B.

Great song selection, MD. Gotta love alternative 80's music.

Mom101

I love your UB posts! I'm wondering how many crazy angry responses did it take until one poster finally wrote FAKE!

And boy do I love your list of brilliant woman stuff. Especially the nag/tv correlation. You know...it's true! Maybe that's why we always have fights on Tuesdays.

sweatpantsmom

I'm laughing so hard at your responses to Jason that I don't know whether to applaud or hunt you down and kill you.

First, let me check what's on TV.

Tawnya

Great job on the UB posts... I'm sure there were women on the boards trying to hunt you down in person for that! Hee hee!

Songs on repeat.... that's a tough one, I usually just put the iPod on shuffle and let it play but there are a few that make me hit repeat these days:
- Weak In The Knees, Serena Ryder
- Suffragette City, David Bowie
- Rock The Casbah, The Clash
- Chelsea Dagger, The Fratellis
- Sunday Morning - K-oS
- Blow At High Dough, The Tragically Hip
- Nowhere With You - Joel Plaskett
- Anything by the Kaiser Chiefs
I went through my '80s phase a few months ago but went on to BritPop after spending a couple of weeks there. The Canadian pop songs are in honour of the Juno awards coming up this weekend... can't wait!

my god, i miss the 80s music..they sure don't make music like that anymore!

Fiona

I was a rugrat during the 80's so none of those songs are familiar EXCEPT "A Town Called Malice"!! And when I read that, the image that popped into my head was of a kid angrily tap-dancing his way down a street somewhere in England. Yep, only thing I know about 80's music is from the movie "Billy Elliot". Have you seen it? If no, it's fookin' awesome and the soundtrack kicks ass every which way and back again (The Jam, T. Rex, The Clash, even Eagle Eye Cherry!).

Billy: What're you doing?
Michael (Billy's friend): Just trying it on *puts on lipstick then grabs Billy and puts lipstick on Billy too*
Billy: Won't we get in trouble?
Michael: Don't be stupid. Me Dad does it all the time.
Billy: He dresses up in your mam's clothes?!
Michael: Only when he thinks everybody is out.

cigar indian shop

I've basically been doing nothing worth mentioning. Not that it matters. I just don't have anything to say these days. I've just been hanging out waiting for something to happen. Not much on my mind these days.

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People are too strict on other people

kelly blue book pricing

I haven't been up to much , but I guess it doesn't bother me. Pfft. I just don't have much to say lately, but maybe tomorrow. Basically nothing seems worth doing.

Bedding

I was lucky to find this metrodad.typepad.com blog. I don't have much to add to the conversation, but I'm right there with you. This post said exactly what I have been thinking. Good to see you posting.

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Here's one that belatedly came to mind: "GREAT"!

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