MetroDad Mailbag (March 2007)

Ever since we got back from Colorado, I've been swamped with work, life, spring cleaning, and March Madness.  Ok, I admit it.  It's really just March Madness.  Could these games end any later?  Who can stay up until 1:00 to watch games?  Don't they know my daughter wakes up at 7:00? 

Anyway, I haven't had much time to post lately but thankfully, whenever I need some material, I know I can always turn to my e-mail.  I've said it before and I'll say it again...my readers are the weirdest, smartest, and coolest people on the internet.  And since I'm still trying to figure out if I'm going to win my NCAA pool and I don't have time to do any REAL writing, I thought I'd just quickly answer a few e-mails that you guys have sent me lately. 

Welcome to the latest edition of the mailbag.  Go OSU!

Dear MD...My company is going through a massive restructuring, which has left me with nothing to do at work for the past 3 weeks.  To stave off death from boredom, I've been going on Craig's List and making up funny personal ads just to amuse myself.  You should see the crazy responses I get.  There are some real nut jobs out there.  The problem is that work is going to get busy soon but I'm afraid I can't stop placing these ads.  HELP!
-Jason (NYC)

I admit that I used to have a secret guilty pleasure too.  When BossLady was pregnant, I used to read the message boards at UrbanBaby.com.  However, I quickly realized that these boards were filled with angry, nasty, judgemental women with a shitload of free time on their hands.  So what did I do?  Whenever I had any free time, I'd go to the boards and try to stir some shit up.  You have no idea how easy it was to drive these women bonkers.  It was like shooting fish in a barrel. 

Here are some fun threads I've started in their forums...

"The stupid maid accidentally broke our $900 Bugaboo stroller. Should I fire her, deport her, or take it out of her paycheck?"

"Is it really bad to smoke weed during pregnancy?  DH says it's ok as long as I stop by the 32nd week."

"my dd has a hard time sleeping.  is it ok to crush up a little ambien and put it in her sippy cup?"

"I've just been offered a part-time job.  Problem is the job starts at 4 and my dh doesn't get home until 5:00.  Is it ok to leave my 2 year old daughter by herself just for one hour?  What if I leave the TV on?"

Man, I used to laugh my ass off seeing these women go ballistic over my threads.  Most of the time, it was more entertaining than anything on television.  However, I soon realized that the pleasure I derived from it was because it always made me feel better about myself  And nobody's sense of self should come at the expense of someone else's, right? 

That's why I don't post prank messages on UrbanBaby anymore....AS MUCH AS I USED TO!

MD...Can my wife get a cold from giving a blow job?
(Anonymous)

Owing to the fact that I have absolutely no medical experience whatsoever, I turned to my good friend, The Doctor to see if he could help me with this question. According to him, "No, it is biologically impossible to get a cold from a blow job.  As I tell my wife every day, the only thing that she could possibly get from giving a blowjob is jewelry.  Boo ya!"   

See why we're such friends?

Metro...My 70-year-old mother just got a new computer and she's driving me crazy.  Every day, she calls to ask me a stupid question. Today, she was reading the instructions on her new Dell and she wanted to know what kind of food she had to feed the mouse.  Help me before I go absolutely insane!
-Louise (San Jose, CA)

Louise, I hear you.  The same thing used to happen to me.  Years ago, my mom bought a microwave and whenever she put some rice in it, she'd sit and wonder why it wasn't being cooked.  She thought the microwave was some kind of Magic Box!  This used to drive me nuts. 

But since there's no fighting it, I've decided to start talking to my mom like I'm a Man From The Future:

MOM: How do I get the photos of Peanut off my camera?
ME: Take out the memory card and put it in the printer.
MOM:  How long will it take?  One hour?
ME: 2 Seconds per photo.
MOM: Really?  I didn't know that was possible. I thought it would take a few hours!
ME: Nope! And do you know that people don't have to take covered wagons out west any more? They have these gigantic silver birds and people sit in their bellies!
MOM:  It's not polite to be sarcastic to your own mother. 
ME:  Hush, woman!  I come from a planet so advanced we can program phone numbers in our speed dial.
MOM:  I'm hanging up now.  Bye.
ME:  Bow to me as your leader, Puny Earthling!

Give it a try.  Trust me.  It will make speaking to your parents much more enjoyable!

Dear Metrodad---I'm getting married this summer.  My fiancee was my first girlfriend so I don't have a lot of experience with women.  Since you're an older guy in a great relationship and since you seem to have a good read on women (based on your throng of female readers), I was wondering if you have any useful advice that you could give me about the fairer sex.
-Jason (Austin, TX)

Dear Jason...Congrats on the pending nuptials, my friend.  As I've said on this blog before, a great marriage is like a duck.  Everything may look smooth on the surface but underneath, you've got to paddle like hell.  Marriage takes a lot of work (especially during that first year.)  Understand the importance of working things out and you should be just fine.  As for my advice about the fairer sex?  Here's my list of the top 10 things that you need to know about women. 

1.  Sometimes women nag because there's nothing on TV.
2.  Women appreciate men who respect their mothers.  Just don't be a mama's boy.
3.  Never question their clothes, the size of their ass, or their sanity.  Especially not their sanity. 
4.  After marriage, it's all about the granny panties.
5.  Sometimes the answer to the question "Is something wrong?" is really no.
6.  Spontaneous flowers bought merely to please will get you further than you could ever imagine.
7.  When they say that they "almost tried that in college," it means they did.
8.  When you say you're sorry, mean it.  Women have unbelievable bullshit detectors.
9.  Her friends are not your friends.
10. When you tell your wife about meeting a woman for work, always mention how fat, ugly, or old she is.   

Anyone else got anything to add?  Feel free to help Jason out.

What seven songs are you into right now?  No matter what they are.  If you don't comply, you're a commie!
-Izzy Mom

Last week in the mountains, I rented a car that had Sirius satellite radio.  BossLady and I found a channel called First Wave devoted to alternative 80's music.  As their promo stated, "if you ever wore a skinny tie, had spiked hair, or pogoed to the beat, First Wave is for you!"  Hmm...check, check, and double check! 

This might be the greatest station in the history of radio.  I absolutely loved it.  More amazingly, I couldn't believe that I still remembered ALL the words to every song.  Needless to say, as soon as we got home, I immediately downloaded about 50 of the songs off itunes.   

There were a few melodramatic angst-ridden songs that I haven't included but, since spring is around the corner, I thought I'd leave you with seven feel-good 80's alternative songs that I'm totally geeking out to right now:

(1) "A Town Called Malice" by The Jam

(2) "Never Can Say Goodbye" by The Communards

(3) "Sowing the Seeds of Love" by Tears for Fears

(4) "Train in Vain" by The Clash

(5) "Lips Like Sugar" by Echo & The Bunnymen

(6) "Go West" by The Pet Shop Boys

(7) "Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order

Speaking of the 80's (and as a way of apologizing for this totally lame post,) I plan on going over to my parents' house soon so I can find some Bershon photos of me with my Flock of Seagulls haircut, my purple parachute pants, and my glaring insouciance.  I promise to post them as soon as possible. 

Meanwhile, as always, keep sending those e-mails or posting questions in the comments for future mailbags!  And what songs are YOU listening to right now?

Comments

[hello insomnia]

Your playlist is my Bershon soundtrack. With every song, I can picture my eighth-grade self giving the "whatever!" face to the camera.

[Hannah's Daddy]

Your list of ten things to know about the fairer sex reminded me of the opposite list, which I received about ten years ago. It's references are dated, but I expect that you will enjoy it all the moreso because of it:

Some Facts for Women To Know About Men:

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there
are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curly is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

[AlieMalie]

you know, MD, if you're going to post embarrassing photos, you might as well start with one of you after your recent ski trip.

dude, we know you have them.

you yourself even said women have incredible bullshit meters so don't even try to deny it and say there's no photographic evidence.

hehe.

[Tamara]

Thank god I'm not the only one still listening to Bizarre Love Triangle!
(or Tears for Fears, or the Clash ...)

[Glennia]

I can't wait for the MD bershon photos. I'm listening to IZ (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole), because I am wishing we were still on vacation in Kauai.

[Nomadic One]

Thank you for making me feel not-so-badly for downloading a couple of Tears for Fears songs a few weeks back. I am not alone!

This is late but, glad you had fun in Colorado...BTW, those people were not racists, they were just idiots and they are everywhere (I happen to run into them frequently, much to my dismay)--it's an educational opportunity for my Munchkin (much to her dismay!).

[MammaLoves]

The tournament really is getting in the way of my blogging as well. Go Florida!!

If you find those 80's pictures look for your prom pics too. We're having a blog prom. I'd love to hear about yours!

[Hygiene Dad]

I owened three skinny leather ties and had feathered hair to look like Kevin Bacon. I need to find those pictures too.

Lips Like Sugar...damn fine song.. as were the other six. Loved Echo & TB.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one with problems of parental technology. My favorite was "Can I post a regular ad on Craiglist or does it have to be a sexual one?" Geeez Ma, there are so many things wrong with that sentence.

[IFLYG]

I'm definitely still in the 80's, too...over the weekend I was drinking wine, and downloaded "She Blinded Me With Science" by Thomas Dolby, "Tenderness" by General Public, "Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club, "Lucky Number" by Lene Lovich...and a bunch of other classics.

[William]

Women nag because there is nothing on TV? So it is the Networks fault.

[Mr. Big Dubya]

Songs I have heard since coming into work this morning:

Shoplifters of the World - The Smiths (playing right now)

Don't Go - Yaz

But Not Tonight - Depeche Mode

Are Friends Electric - Gary Numan

Blasphemous Rumors - DM

Bedbugs and Ballyhoo - Echo and the Bunnymen

Never Stop - Echo

Bigmouth Strikes Again - The Smiths

In the Night - Pet Shop Boys

Boys Don't Cry - The Cure

True Faith ('94) - New Order

Absolute Beginners - The Jam

That's Entertainment - Morrissey (The Jam cover)

Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, it's still 1985 and I am sitting at my desk in pegged, pin-striped Cotler jeans, wearing a Polo buttoned to the top and sporting a pair of Adidas Gazelles. There may or may not be a Members Only jacket hanging on hook behind the door, but I'll never tell.

[janie]

Although I still find myself listening to A LOT of Cure, DM, and New Order, I'd totally forgotten about The Jam and The Communards. I'm off to itunes right now. Thanks a LOT, MD!

[Anne Glamore]

1. Everyone's having 80's flashbacks. We heard Howard Jones's "Things Can Only Get Better" the other night. Talk about high school memories- I could almost feel the fingerless black lace gloves on my hands.

2. Jason, go ahead and start practicing clipping your finger and toenails over the trashcan. Then you'll have one less shocking thing to get used to during that first year of marriage.

But take heart-- BEING married is a hell of a lot more fun than GETTING married.

And bj's don't always require jewelry. You can buy her furniture instead.

Anne Glamore

[Jenna]

5. Sometimes the answer to the question "Is something wrong?" is really no.

Thank you. Honestly, if only more men would recognize this. Sometimes what's wrong is that you won't stop asking us what's wrong.

And that's a great playlist. Bizarre Love Triangle is my phone's ringtone and I laugh whenever I hear it. Good times.

[leora]

You crack me up, MD. I can only imagine what kind of havoc you caused on the urbanbaby message boards. Those women must have gone insane replying to your threads.

[Sara]

Here is the advice that my dad gave to my husband not too long ago (maybe he was just figuring it out himself after 28 years)--

The following phrases can be used in any order when you realize that you may have unknowingly angered your woman, or at any other time you deem appropriate to use them:
1. I'm sorry.
2. It's all my fault.
3. It'll never happen again.

It's funny, even though I know the "trick," it still seems to make things better to hear him say "It's all my fault," etc.

~Sara

[Woman with Kids]

Jason, when your future wife asks you if she looks fat in these pants, without hesitation reply that she is unbelievable sexy. Period, the end. Because any other answer is cause to argue with you, because in some way, you are wrong.

[Evilynmo]

Woman with Kids is so right! My hubs must have been prepped before we met because he just has a knee jerk reaction to "How do I look?" No matter what I am wearing/doing/being/impersonating he says I look sexy and hot. Even though I know I am being "played" it totally works every time. Smart hubs!

[whit]

You guys are old. I wasn't even born in the 80's.

I thought you all listened to New Kids on the Block and Color Me Bad.

[David]

Metrodad - that's my Golden Age of music. Thanks for the memories.

[Amy]

"Is it really bad to smoke weed during pregnancy? DH says it's ok as long as I stop by the 32nd week."

You have no idea how much I love you for this. I'm so glad I stopped by today, this made my whole day.

[Mikeymike]

I call shenanigans an your conversation on your mother.

Was your mother on some sort of heavy sedative during that conversation? How did she not go baliistic and blow out your eardrum? How did the backlash not reach your brother, and if it did, how come he did not call and confront you about the nagging he recieved as a result of your flippancy?

How did she not bring up every single horrible thing you may have done in your life, all over again?

I'm perplexed.

[Susie]

I love the idea of you messing with all the urbanbaby mommies. I used to check out the board when I first got pregnant but I couldn't stand all the petty bickering and judgemental comments. Good for you that you messed with them!

[Julia]

I just wanted to thank you for COMPLETELY ruining my day! I've been on itunes for the past hour downloading all these 80's alternative songs. I'm having a blast!

[kittenpie]

hey, sometimes it does not mean granny panties. If she's getting good response for the thong, she might put in a concerted effort to find one she's comfy in and wear them every day. But it is your job to give good flirt to keep it worth her while! (And as a general rule, flirt with her and make her feel like you think she's hot if you want some action. It keeps her closer to the mood, so it's easier to start stuff.)

And me, I'm all about the gaddamned beanbag song right now because I'm trying to learn it for work. And I'm sewing beanbags while I'm at it. Gah. Hopefully I have soemthing better by next month!