Ever since we got back from Colorado, I've been swamped with work, life, spring cleaning, and March Madness. Ok, I admit it. It's really just March Madness. Could these games end any later? Who can stay up until 1:00 to watch games? Don't they know my daughter wakes up at 7:00?
Anyway, I haven't had much time to post lately but thankfully, whenever I need some material, I know I can always turn to my e-mail. I've said it before and I'll say it again...my readers are the weirdest, smartest, and coolest people on the internet. And since I'm still trying to figure out if I'm going to win my NCAA pool and I don't have time to do any REAL writing, I thought I'd just quickly answer a few e-mails that you guys have sent me lately.
Welcome to the latest edition of the mailbag. Go OSU!
Dear MD...My company is going through a massive restructuring,
which has left me with nothing to do at work for the past 3 weeks. To
stave off death from boredom, I've been going on Craig's List and
making up funny personal ads just to amuse myself. You should see the
crazy responses I get. There are some real nut jobs out there. The
problem is that work is going to get busy soon but I'm afraid I can't
stop placing these ads. HELP!
I admit that I used to have a secret guilty pleasure too. When BossLady was pregnant, I used to read the message boards at UrbanBaby.com. However, I quickly realized that these boards were filled with angry, nasty, judgemental women with a shitload of free time on their hands. So what did I do? Whenever I had any free time, I'd go to the boards and try to stir some shit up. You have no idea how easy it was to drive these women bonkers. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
Here are some fun threads I've started in their forums...
"The stupid maid accidentally broke our $900 Bugaboo stroller.
Should I fire her, deport her, or take it out of her paycheck?"
"Is it really bad to smoke weed during pregnancy? DH says it's ok as long as I stop by the 32nd week."
"my dd has a hard time sleeping. is it ok to crush up a little ambien and put it in her sippy cup?"
"I've just been offered a part-time job. Problem is the job starts at 4 and my dh doesn't get home until 5:00. Is it ok to leave my 2 year old daughter by herself just for one hour? What if I leave the TV on?"
Man, I used to laugh my ass off seeing these women go ballistic over my threads. Most of the time, it was more entertaining than anything on television. However, I soon realized that the pleasure I derived from it was because it always made me feel better about myself And nobody's sense of self should come at the expense of someone else's, right?
That's why I don't post prank messages on UrbanBaby anymore....AS MUCH AS I USED TO!
MD...Can my wife get a cold from giving a blow job?
Owing to the fact that I have absolutely no medical experience whatsoever, I turned to my good friend, The Doctor to see if he could help me with this question. According to him, "No, it is biologically impossible to get a cold from a blow job. As I tell my wife every day, the only thing that she could possibly get from giving a blowjob is jewelry. Boo ya!"
See why we're such friends?
Metro...My 70-year-old mother just got a new computer and she's
driving me crazy. Every day, she calls to ask me a stupid question.
Today, she was reading the instructions on her new Dell and she wanted
to know what kind of food she had to feed the mouse. Help me before I
go absolutely insane!
-Louise (San Jose, CA)
Louise, I hear you. The same thing used to happen to me. Years ago, my mom bought a microwave and whenever she put some rice in it, she'd sit and wonder why it wasn't being cooked. She thought the microwave was some kind of Magic Box! This used to drive me nuts.
But since there's no fighting it, I've decided to start talking to my mom like I'm a Man From The Future:
MOM: How do I get the photos of Peanut off my camera?
ME: Take out the memory card and put it in the printer.
MOM: How long will it take? One hour?
ME: 2 Seconds per photo.
MOM: Really? I didn't know that was possible. I thought it would take a few hours!
ME: Nope! And do you know that people don't have to take covered wagons out west any more? They have these gigantic silver birds and people sit in their bellies!
MOM: It's not polite to be sarcastic to your own mother.
ME: Hush, woman! I come from a planet so advanced we can program phone numbers in our speed dial.
MOM: I'm hanging up now. Bye.
ME: Bow to me as your leader, Puny Earthling!
Give it a try. Trust me. It will make speaking to your parents much more enjoyable!
Dear Metrodad---I'm getting married this summer. My fiancee was my first girlfriend so I don't have a lot of experience with women. Since you're an older guy in a great relationship and since you seem to have a good read on women (based on your throng of female readers), I was wondering if you have any useful advice that you could give me about the fairer sex.
-Jason (Austin, TX)
Dear Jason...Congrats on the pending nuptials, my friend. As I've said on this blog before, a great marriage is like a duck. Everything may look smooth on the surface but underneath, you've got to paddle like hell. Marriage takes a lot of work (especially during that first year.) Understand the importance of working things out and you should be just fine. As for my advice about the fairer sex? Here's my list of the top 10 things that you need to know about women.
1. Sometimes women nag because there's nothing on TV.
2. Women appreciate men who respect their mothers. Just don't be a mama's boy.
3. Never question their clothes, the size of their ass, or their sanity. Especially not their sanity.
4. After marriage, it's all about the granny panties.
5. Sometimes the answer to the question "Is something wrong?" is really no.
6. Spontaneous flowers bought merely to please will get you further than you could ever imagine.
7. When they say that they "almost tried that in college," it means they did.
8. When you say you're sorry, mean it. Women have unbelievable bullshit detectors.
9. Her friends are not your friends.
10. When you tell your wife about meeting a woman for work, always mention how fat, ugly, or old she is.
Anyone else got anything to add? Feel free to help Jason out.
What seven songs are you into right now? No matter what they are. If you don't comply, you're a commie!
Last week in the mountains, I rented a car that had Sirius satellite radio. BossLady and I found a channel called First Wave devoted to alternative 80's music. As their promo stated, "if you ever wore a skinny tie, had spiked hair, or pogoed to the beat, First Wave is for you!" Hmm...check, check, and double check!
This might be the greatest station in the history of radio. I absolutely loved it. More amazingly, I couldn't believe that I still remembered ALL the words to every song. Needless to say, as soon as we got home, I immediately downloaded about 50 of the songs off itunes.
There were a few melodramatic angst-ridden songs that I haven't included but, since spring is around the corner, I thought I'd leave you with seven feel-good 80's alternative songs that I'm totally geeking out to right now:
(1) "A Town Called Malice" by The Jam
(2) "Never Can Say Goodbye" by The Communards
(3) "Sowing the Seeds of Love" by Tears for Fears
(4) "Train in Vain" by The Clash
(5) "Lips Like Sugar" by Echo & The Bunnymen
(6) "Go West" by The Pet Shop Boys
(7) "Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order
Speaking of the 80's (and as a way of apologizing for this totally lame post,) I plan on going over to my parents' house soon so I can find some Bershon photos of me with my Flock of Seagulls haircut, my purple parachute pants, and my glaring insouciance. I promise to post them as soon as possible.
Meanwhile, as always, keep sending those e-mails or posting questions in the comments for future mailbags! And what songs are YOU listening to right now?