MetroDad Mailbag (Feb. 2007)

Did you know that jet lag kills older mice?  Not the young ones.  Just the older ones.  It's true.  I read it on the internet. 

I wonder how old I am in mouse years.

Never in my life have I had jet lag this bad.  Seriously, I feel like my kidneys are floating in outer space and my balls are six feet under.  I've been home for 6 days and the nausea still hasn't gone away.  As usual, I've concocted my own cure-all (this one involves megadoses of melatonin, scotch, Ambien, crossword puzzles, and chocolate chip cookies.)  A friend suggested sunlight and exercise but it's fucking freezing in NYC and I've got about 40 hours of television backed up on my Tivo.  Who has time to go to the gym? 

Anyway, thanks for all your questions.  Many of them had me laughing my ass off on the plane.  I know I've said it before but my readers are the coolest, weirdest, smartest, goofiest, and geekiest readers on the planet.  One day, I'm going to get us a discounted rate on some group therapy.  As the lyrical medieval poet Eminem once said, "you fucking rock!"

You asked some great questions.  Many of them I’m saving for the next mailbag.  Here are some of the rest... 

Why do so many men have a crush on Tina Fey? Is it the scar? The ridiculous white girl dancing she thinks it is funny to engage in? What? Please, riddle me that, batman. Though I find her funnier than a Kazakh journalist at a formal dinner, I just don't understand the whole crush thing.
(Mrs. Fortune)

Tina Fey reminds us of the nerdy, sarcastic female friend from high school who was always by your side when you were caustically making fun of the plastic cheerleaders who wouldn't date you in a million years.  Also, just like you women, most of us men laugh when we hear women like Giselle or Christy Turlington say in interviews that they were ugly ducklings in high school.  That's total bullshit and I don't ever believe that crap for a second. 

But when Tina Fey says it?  You actually believe her. 

Is she the thinking man's sex symbol?  Maybe.  I don't know.  She does kind of have that sexy librarian thing going on.  But personally, I think I'm just a sucker for a funny chick with a cool scar.  Besides, what's the deal with YOUR crush on John Cusack, eh?  He's not exactly Brad Pitt, is he?

Since you're a foodie, what would be your last meal on earth if you were on death row?
(Leora)

The seared foie gras from Café des Artistes, Peter Luger’s steak, a slice of Grimaldi’s pizza, potato knishes from the Carnegie Deli, a bucket of Blue Smoke's potato salad, and Junior’s cheesecake.  Basically, I’d try to give myself a heart attack before they flipped the switch. 

Dear Metro...My Korean mother has finally told me that I need to get married. Granted, I should bless this saintly woman for waiting until I was 30 to finally get on my case about it. What do you think?  Should I put forth extra effort in finding a spouse? Or should I just go about handling my business as I have been, even if it occasionally means I feel shameful in the mornings and have to catch a cab home?
(Mikeymike)

Parental pressure never ends, my friend.  When I was younger, my Korean mother would call every day and ask when I was getting married.  After I got married, she called every day to ask when I was having kids.  These days, she's up in my grill every day about having a second child.

MetroBro is about the same age as you so he's feeling the parental heat now as well. Since I'm quite fond of my bro, I try to help him out and I've discovered that the best means of disarmament is deflection.  To throw my parents off their game, I like to ask them hypothetical questions that will mess with their minds.  Here are two of my latest gambits:

1. Would you rather MetroBro marry a black girl OR a Korean guy?
2. How would you feel if he had children out of wedlock?

These are like mental tongue twisters for Asian parents and if they don't give your parents an aneurysm, they certainly will keep them lying awake in bed for awhile.

Meanwhile, enjoy your bachelorhood.  Sure, married life is a million times better but you're not going to fully enjoy it unless you have no regrets.  Carpe Diem, my friend!

Have you tried Dinosaur BBQ up in Harlem yet and do you love it?
(pnuts mama)

Every Super Bowl Sunday, BossLady and I shun invitations to group viewings and instead have our own little party.  The week before the game, we plan the menu.  The only requirement is that, by the end of the game, we need to be so stuffed that we actually lose the ability to speak and must resort only to hand signals in order to communicate.  Grunting is also permitted.

Last year, we completely outdid ourselves.  The two of us went to Dinosaur and we wanted to try everything on the menu. We literally loaded up the back seat of our car with massive amounts of ribs, pulled pork, beef brisket, Cajun catfish, creole potato salad, and cole slaw. 

Verdict?  Best barbecue in NYC.  Possibly the best barbecue this side north of the Carolinas. 

I enjoy how you intersperse your literary views in many of your various posts (even if they have to do with poop.) Your book consumption is pretty impressive so it's obvious you read quite a bit. My question: if you could have one author's life, whose would it be?
(Barb)

Tough question, Barb.  I get these huge author crushes all the time.  Past or present objects of my lust and envy have been David Foster Wallace, Haruki Murakami, Margaret Atwood, Matthew Kneale, Jhumpa Lahiri, Mark Leyner, and Chang-Rae Lee.  Their writing always seems so effortless.  I would give my left nut to have their talent. 

Then again...last summer in the Hamptons, I saw Salman Rushdie at the polo matches driving a convertible Bentley with Padma Lakshmi in the front seat and a set of golf clubs in the back. 

I guess that whole fatwa thing worked out pretty well for him.

MD, I am an Asian-American dad and my wife is Euro-Am. At a local store the other night, we ran into an interracial couple where the female was Asian-American and the male was Euro-Am. I felt a strange discomfort and I couldn’t get the thought “Mail order bride and dude with yellow fever” and images of Bai Ling out of my head. The wife, bless her soul, later informed me that she noticed I was being rude and knew what I was thinking. So, here’s my question, “How do I get over my personal hypocritical prejudice?” And no, I don’t believe it’s about “those” dudes getting “our” women.
(Average American)

Dude...I totally know what you're talking about.  In the latest statistical survey of White/Asian relationships, it turns out that 72% of them consisted of a white husband and an asian wife.  And wikipedia tell us that  "Asian American women were 2.5 times more likely to be married to a White American man than Asian American men married to a white woman."

My advice?  Don't sweat it, my brother.  Life is fucking short and we're all getting older.  I used to get into late-night debates with my Asian-American female friends over the semantic and sociological distinctions between attraction and fetish.  Now I just worry about keeping the hair on my head, the cost of Peanut's daycare, and making the monthly mortgage payment. 

Besides, as I get older, I'm starting to think that we should turn this country into a giant mud puddle where race no longer becomes a distinct and distinguishing feature.  As I've always said, there are so many good reasons to dislike people.  Why focus solely on race?    

By the way, I fucking hate Bai Ling.  Not only is she the Asian Paris Hilton but also I think she's playing up the whole geisha stereotype to make a buck.  An Asian friend of mine calls her a whoriental.  Is that racist?

MD! I love to travel and fly quite a bit each year. Most of the time I travel alone--because my fiance hates to fly. On our last trip, he got airsick...so I understand his reticence. And by reticence I mean that he said "I'm never fucking flying again." Up until now, he has flown all his life--his father is an airline pilot. My question is: How can I help him get over this? Also, when we do fly, he is absolutely miserable. I'm pretty much ok with whatever obstacles come our way, but he just stresses and stresses. Is there anything to be done about this? I figure you've had many varieties of travel partners over the years and could offer some advice. Is Valium the only way to go?!?!?
(Sarah Marie)

My buddy Andrew is a bad flyer (and by bad flyer, I mean "he's a total fucking pain in the ass and I'm never going on a plane with him again!")  He doesn't sleep for weeks leading up to a flight.  He's got 1-800-Go-Greyhound programmed into his speed dial. And when he DOES fly, he dreams that someone will sneak up and inject him with horse tranquilizer.  To cure his phobias, he's tried everything from hypnosis to flight class. 

The only thing that works for Andrew is getting completely wasted before the flight.  The downside is that he often arrives at his destination feeling like a zombie and, more than once, he's woken up on a plane with drool all over his face, only to see someone with the cleaning crew shaking him and saying, "Excuse me, sir, you don't have to go home but you sure as heck gotta get outta here!"

According to Andrew, the perfect cocktail is equal parts vodka, valium, and beta blockers.   Shaken, not stirred.   

Dear Metrodad,
How can I, a lowly bi-lingual, 143 IQ, college educated, current Technology Coordinator find a job (for the love of all that is holy) that doesn't make me consider rupturing my own appendix just to get out of going to work? I think, oh advice giver of the internets, that I am asking for career advice. Someday it is my humble goal to make more than 30k a year. Please help.
(Desiree)

The lovely and beautiful BossLady is also contemplating a career change so this has been topic-du-jour at Casa Metro for awhile.  She's looking for something new that will allow her to achieve a better balance between work and family.  Now, we're just trying to figure out what that something "new" should be.    

You, Desiree, are a great writer.  You belong in publishing, advertising, editing, or PR.  I can't even see you as a "Technology Coordinator."  E-mail me. We'll find you something.  Any West Coast employers out there looking for some great creative talent?  Get in touch with Desiree!

This blog doesn't accept advertising but we're definitely not above pimping out friends and family!      

How come you travel all over the damn planet and never have a layover in Atlanta so we could pound a few back? EVERYBODY flies through Atlanta.
(Stacy)

While driving cross-country in 1990, I spent 4 days in Atlanta with two buddies.  One was Peruvian, the other was Jewish.  One night, the three of us went out to a bar and met a bunch of attractive cheerleaders from Georgia Tech.  All of them were blond and I think 4 of them were named Babs. 

Long story short:  None of the girls had ever heard of Korea.  They kept asking if that was a city in Japan.  None of the girls had ever heard of Peru.  They kept asking Jose if he was from Mexico.  None of the girls had ever met a Jew before.  We caught one of them checking my buddy's head for horns!  I shit you not.  We were like a living freak show for them. 

Now, I’ve spent a lot of time in the south.  Hell, Birmingham, New Orleans, and Memphis are three of my favorite places.  But I’ve never experienced anything quite so strange as what happened in Atlanta.  I’m sure your city has come a long way but ever since then, I’ve tried to connect through more race-friendly cities. 

You know, like Mogadishu. 

Who do you like in the Super Bowl? Who will you be rooting for?
(David)

I have passionately hated the Bears ever since 1986 when Jim "Punky QB" McMahon, William "Refrigerator" Parry, and Mike "Samurai" Singletary released that annoying rap song/video "The Super Bowl Shuffle."  That fucking song set rap music back about 20 years.  Remember the lyrics? 

We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would

Fuck the Bears.  I'm going with Indy.   

Question: Did the Peanut ever go through a "naked" phase?  I have a daughter just a little younger than yours. We allow her an hour or so of "naked baby" time in the evenings, but any time you change a diaper you are asking for a clothes on-or-off battle. This is only really an issue when we need to get her outside for some reason, which happens more often than one might think. We're in Chicago which requires many layers at this time of year. Any creative ideas for how to get a toddler dressed?
(Stef)

So far, the Peanut has not gone through a naked phase.  If anything, she's become a fashionista like her father.  Have you ever seen a two-year-old girl stare vacantly into her drawers trying to decide what to wear?  It's both sad and funny at the same time. 

The Peanut is still in her pink phase.  Today, she went to daycare looking like a giant piece of fucking cotton candy.  Not only that, she STILL yells at me when I put the wrong color socks on her and she still insists on wearing her little snowboard hat whenever we go outside. 

Sorry, I'm no help here, Stef.  We seem to have the opposite problem.  Anyone else want to take a stab at this one? 

You may have already addressed this in a past mailbag, but since it is on my mind all the time these days (for my family, not yours): are you considering having a second child? Why (not)?
(nonlineargirl)

Yes, we're considering having a second child.  Over the past week, my wife's favorite pick-up line has been, "Hey, are you horny?  I'm ovulating!"

Not quite sure how I feel about this but, on principle, I try to never turn down sex when it's offered to me.

Personally, I think BossLady really wants to start trying now because, according to the lunar calendar, 2007 is supposed to be a very special year for having children.  According to the Chinese zodiac, this will be the Year of the Golden Pig, an event that occurs only once every 600 years.  Babies born this year are believed to have good fortune and will lead comfortable and wealthy lives.  The expected birthrate in Korea is supposed to explode this year.  Many hospitals, banks, and schools are even starting to ramp up for the expected population increase!

Man, my people are fucking crazy.

Did the BossLady ever finish your sweater? What else has she knit?
(Rach!)

Rach...I've pretty much become a knitting widow.  These days, BossLady is still completely engrossed with knitting.  At any given time, she's got multiple knitting projects going on and she could really care less about what I'm doing.  She's a knitting fiend!

But I'm glad she's got a hobby.  Knitting chills her out and, as I like to joke, " helps keep the crazies away."

And yes, BossLady did finish my sweater.  It's awesome.  It doesn't quite fit me perfectly but I absolutely love her for trying. 

Here's a photo of it being worn by our little pint-sized fashionista.

Some day, I'll show you the equally awesome matching hats that BossLady made for me, Peanut, and MetroDog. (Shit, next thing I know, this is going to be a damn knitting blog.  This blog really has jumped the shark, hasn't it?)

No offense to you knitters out there!  I know you're a sensitive lot.  Every time I make fun of the BossLady's knitting, I get like 50 e-mails from enraged knitters.  Did you know that there were enraged knitters out there?  Me neither.  Man, those chicks are fucking nuts!  (Again, just kidding.  Sort of. Maybe.)

Comments

[Julie C.]

I echo what OB said! Is MetroBro single? How about pimping HIM out?

[Jason]

I'm totally using those lines on my parents. They're not Korean. They're Jewish. Same thing, right?

[Leeny]

Welcome back, MD! I've flown all my life since I was a baby (I'm a military brat) but lately I don't like it anymore.

I always thought that the reason the majority of marriages with a Euro-Am husband and an Asian wife was probably because the husband met his wife while stationed in Japan or Korea. At least that's been my experience as a child living on military bases.

[creative-type dad]

I'm not on board on the Tina train. She's funny, but she ain't no Jessica Alba.

Laughing about the cheerleaders from Georgia Tech thing: The wife went to college in Atlanta and I was completely shocked at hearing that a "Tech" school had a football team. That's like MIT or CalTech having one (WTF?).
She said they were there for the experiments and Georgia law requires a football team for everything - even preschool.

Nothing against 'Alantians'- but they're backwards.

[Velma]

Naked kids are ubiquitous in our house. I call them "Nekkids"(tm), and we have pretty much resigned ourselves to keeping the heat up. How do I get them to at least keep their underwear on?

Hello?!?! Bribery!

(Or turn the heat back down.)

[Susie Q!]

Good BBQ in Manhattan? No way! Reminds me of that old commercial. "This salsa was made in New York City!" "New York City?"

Since you do like Dreamland, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt!

[stef]

Welcome back!
wow. I can't believe you picked ME. *blush*

Well, um, my question anyways. I can even look past the anti-bear comment....

[KG]

Grimaldi's Pizza! Now THAT sounds like a jet-lag remedy. Too bad they don't deliver...

Dinosaur sounds great --- psyched to hear of the recommendation. To get good BBQ, we get it shipped up here from a restaurant in Texas. Really --- it's out-of-this-world delicious.

BTW --- welcome back! :)

[William]

MD,
I am glad to see you back and I thank you for the entertainment.

[Ian]

Welcome back, MD. Just to let you know. The jet lag gets worse, the older you get!

[Jenn Benn]

Is Peanut eating a Strawberry Pocky? Pocky is the best!

[Rachel E.]

Oh man. I'm sorry about your Atlanta experience. We moved here to god-forsaken Georgia from NY (We live right outside of Atlanta in frickin' Kennesaw. It's as bad as it sounds. There's actually a law in Kennesaw that every home must have a gun. We are lawbreakers. We have no gun.) and the racial thing can be really bad. Racism here is very different than racism in NY. In NY, if someone is a racist, he/she is pretty much an ass in every other way too. Here, you will meet the nicest, sweetest people - become friends with them - LIKE them, and then one day they spit out this racial slur that is so vial your jaw hits the floor and your completely blindsided. Really bizarre.

[pnuts mama]

what a big nerd I am to be so excited that you answered my question! we really need to make the trip in to the bbq but really, that bridge is sooooo big. just kidding! the dinosaur in rochester actually has a huge biker clientele- kind of fun to go on a friday night and drink your ass off listening to the blues while you wait 2 hours for a table- then eat until you can't possibly squeeze one more delicious sliver of pork into your gullet. yum. they sell their sauces and at our superbowl gathering this weekend one of our wing choices will have it as their flavoring. i'd invite you to join us but i'm afraid the journey east to jamaica would set off your jet lag again.

so glad to have you back and thanks again!

p.s. i laughed at "whoriental"- we have filipino friends who confided in us the term "gaysian" when trying to decide why that single 35 yr old guy is so buff yet oddly not dating anyone. we felt honored to be included in their circle of trust.

[panthergirl]

Yes, we are Chicks with Stix, and we are ruthless.

I'm SO JEALOUS that BossLady can knit like that! I'm still in the scarf/blanket mode but I understand the obsession. Lucas gets mad because I knit even when we're watching a movie or TV together. Anyway, that sweater (and that kid!) is gorgeous.

Re The Naked Phase: My daughter went through it at age 4, and it involved stripping naked whenever possible. That included running up and down President Street in Park Slope, and at the pool at my mother's condo in Central Florida to the horror of the blue-hairs. She didn't get that from me. I went through my naked phase at 16.

[Mom101]

I refuse to believe you're all that jeg lagged. I'm only dealing with a 3 hour difference and I'm having trouble forming sentences. But you? Still funny!

And THANK YOU for the golden pig reference, from this fire dragon and earth monkey pair. Maybe she won't be so much in #1's shadow after all.

[honglien123]

A good friend of mine is actually a black girl who is married to a Korean guy and they're expecting their first baby this April. This makes me want to ask her about her mother in law.

I'm also totally impressed with the Bosslady's knitting skills, that looks like an awesome sweater.

[Chris]

Excellent mailbag entry. It's nice to hear other folks dig Murakami too ;-)

[Dana]

Rats and mice and jet lag! I had no idea there was a correlation! :) Too funny~!

[mdvelazquez]

Ditto on the last meal, except I would want pizza from Louie and Ernie's and I would add ribs from Virgil's.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Man, you can stretch jet lag out for WEEKS if you want to. It's perfect for when you want to get out of something! The rule I've heard is that it takes the same number of days to get over as it does hours in the time difference. Which is another thing that works to your advantage: when I go to Asia from the West Coast, I have to go for AT LEAST sixteen days, because there are sixteen hours in the time difference, and I'll need to get over the jet lag before having a good time on vacation. Ingenious!

Also: sleep. Bad TV. Valium. In that order.

[Papa Bradstein]

Your pint-size fashionista is adorable. (Safety tip about accepting gifts from knitters--until they put down the needles, the correct answer is, "Yes dear. I love it. It fits perfectly."

Love all your answers, of course, only I'm realizing that I shoulda' never said that New Yorkers are assholes, 'cause now you won't pimp me out for the new job that I almost certainly need.

Or come down and catch a Mets game with Liberal Banana, Boyfriend, and the Bradsteins.

Dude, I suck.

[Sarah Marie]

Thanks for picking (and answering) my question, MetroDad. You rock! More pictures of the Peanut, please.

[p-man]

A crush on Ms. Atwood? I hope it's in remission.

[Kaz]

Dude - if you ever find yourself up in Connecticut, stop by New Haven, and I'll show you what good pizza is!

Mmm... just went to Sally's the other night for my birthday meal...

[technology]

Not much on my mind right now. Today was a complete loss. So it goes. I've just been sitting around waiting for something to happen. I've basically been doing nothing , but I guess it doesn't bother me.

[mary]

OMG you are so funny! =P

Enjoying reading this stuff. I have some pre-war Lionel trains including a commodore vanderbilt set

[GralefIdodofe]

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