Did you know that jet lag kills older mice? Not the young ones. Just the older ones. It's true. I read it on the internet.
I wonder how old I am in mouse years.
Never in my life have I had jet lag this bad. Seriously, I feel like my kidneys are floating in outer space and my balls are six feet under. I've been home for 6 days and the nausea still hasn't gone away. As usual, I've concocted my own cure-all (this one involves megadoses of melatonin, scotch, Ambien, crossword puzzles, and chocolate chip cookies.) A friend suggested sunlight and exercise but it's fucking freezing in NYC and I've got about 40 hours of television backed up on my Tivo. Who has time to go to the gym?
Anyway, thanks for all your questions. Many of them had me laughing my ass off on the plane. I know I've said it before but my readers are the coolest, weirdest, smartest, goofiest, and geekiest readers on the planet. One day, I'm going to get us a discounted rate on some group therapy. As the lyrical medieval poet Eminem once said, "you fucking rock!"
You asked some great questions. Many of them I’m saving for the next mailbag. Here are some of the rest...
Why do so many men have a crush on Tina Fey? Is it the scar? The ridiculous white girl dancing she thinks it is funny to engage in? What? Please, riddle me that, batman. Though I find her funnier than a Kazakh journalist at a formal dinner, I just don't understand the whole crush thing.
Tina Fey reminds us of the nerdy, sarcastic female friend from high school who was always by your side when you were caustically making fun of the plastic cheerleaders who wouldn't date you in a million years. Also, just like you women, most of us men laugh when we hear women like Giselle or Christy Turlington say in interviews that they were ugly ducklings in high school. That's total bullshit and I don't ever believe that crap for a second.
But when Tina Fey says it? You actually believe her.
Is she the thinking man's sex symbol? Maybe. I don't know. She does kind of have that sexy librarian thing going on. But personally, I think I'm just a sucker for a funny chick with a cool scar. Besides, what's the deal with YOUR crush on John Cusack, eh? He's not exactly Brad Pitt, is he?
Since you're a foodie, what would be your last meal on earth if you were on death row?
The seared foie gras from Café des Artistes, Peter Luger’s steak, a slice of Grimaldi’s pizza, potato knishes from the Carnegie Deli, a bucket of Blue Smoke's potato salad, and Junior’s cheesecake. Basically, I’d try to give myself a heart attack before they flipped the switch.
Dear Metro...My Korean mother has finally told me that I need to get married. Granted, I should bless this saintly woman for waiting until I was 30 to finally get on my case about it. What do you think? Should I put forth extra effort in finding a spouse? Or should I just go about handling my business as I have been, even if it occasionally means I feel shameful in the mornings and have to catch a cab home?
Parental pressure never ends, my friend. When I was younger, my Korean mother would call every day and ask when I was getting married. After I got married, she called every day to ask when I was having kids. These days, she's up in my grill every day about having a second child.
MetroBro is about the same age as you so he's feeling the parental heat now as well. Since I'm quite fond of my bro, I try to help him out and I've discovered that the best means of disarmament is deflection. To throw my parents off their game, I like to ask them hypothetical questions that will mess with their minds. Here are two of my latest gambits:
- Would you rather MetroBro marry a black girl OR a Korean guy?
- How would you feel if he had children out of wedlock?
These are like mental tongue twisters for Asian parents and if they don't give your parents an aneurysm, they certainly will keep them lying awake in bed for awhile.
Meanwhile, enjoy your bachelorhood. Sure, married life is a million times better but you're not going to fully enjoy it unless you have no regrets. Carpe Diem, my friend!
Have you tried Dinosaur BBQ up in Harlem yet and do you love it?
Every Super Bowl Sunday, BossLady and I shun invitations to group viewings and instead have our own little party. The week before the game, we plan the menu. The only requirement is that, by the end of the game, we need to be so stuffed that we actually lose the ability to speak and must resort only to hand signals in order to communicate. Grunting is also permitted.
Last year, we completely outdid ourselves. The two of us went to Dinosaur and we wanted to try everything on the menu. We literally loaded up the back seat of our car with massive amounts of ribs, pulled pork, beef brisket, Cajun catfish, creole potato salad, and cole slaw.
Verdict? Best barbecue in NYC. Possibly the best barbecue this side north of the Carolinas.
I enjoy how you intersperse your literary views in many of your various posts (even if they have to do with poop.) Your book consumption is pretty impressive so it's obvious you read quite a bit. My question: if you could have one author's life, whose would it be?
Tough question, Barb. I get these huge author crushes all the time. Past or present objects of my lust and envy have been David Foster Wallace, Haruki Murakami, Margaret Atwood, Matthew Kneale, Jhumpa Lahiri, Mark Leyner, and Chang-Rae Lee. Their writing always seems so effortless. I would give my left nut to have their talent.
Then again...last summer in the Hamptons, I saw Salman Rushdie at the polo matches driving a convertible Bentley with Padma Lakshmi in the front seat and a set of golf clubs in the back.
I guess that whole fatwa thing worked out pretty well for him.
MD, I am an Asian-American dad and my wife is Euro-Am. At a local store the other night, we ran into an interracial couple where the female was Asian-American and the male was Euro-Am. I felt a strange discomfort and I couldn’t get the thought “Mail order bride and dude with yellow fever” and images of Bai Ling out of my head. The wife, bless her soul, later informed me that she noticed I was being rude and knew what I was thinking. So, here’s my question, “How do I get over my personal hypocritical prejudice?” And no, I don’t believe it’s about “those” dudes getting “our” women.
Dude...I totally know what you're talking about. In the latest statistical survey of White/Asian relationships, it turns out that 72% of them consisted of a white husband and an asian wife. And wikipedia tell us that "Asian American women were 2.5 times more likely to be married to a White American man than Asian American men married to a white woman."
My advice? Don't sweat it, my brother. Life is fucking short and we're all getting older. I used to get into late-night debates with my Asian-American female friends over the semantic and sociological distinctions between attraction and fetish. Now I just worry about keeping the hair on my head, the cost of Peanut's daycare, and making the monthly mortgage payment.
Besides, as I get older, I'm starting to think that we should turn this country into a giant mud puddle where race no longer becomes a distinct and distinguishing feature. As I've always said, there are so many good reasons to dislike people. Why focus solely on race?
By the way, I fucking hate Bai Ling. Not only is she the Asian Paris Hilton but also I think she's playing up the whole geisha stereotype to make a buck. An Asian friend of mine calls her a whoriental. Is that racist?
MD! I love to travel and fly quite a bit each year. Most of the time I travel alone--because my fiance hates to fly. On our last trip, he got airsick...so I understand his reticence. And by reticence I mean that he said "I'm never fucking flying again." Up until now, he has flown all his life--his father is an airline pilot. My question is: How can I help him get over this? Also, when we do fly, he is absolutely miserable. I'm pretty much ok with whatever obstacles come our way, but he just stresses and stresses. Is there anything to be done about this? I figure you've had many varieties of travel partners over the years and could offer some advice. Is Valium the only way to go?!?!?
My buddy Andrew is a bad flyer (and by bad flyer, I mean "he's a total fucking pain in the ass and I'm never going on a plane with him again!") He doesn't sleep for weeks leading up to a flight. He's got 1-800-Go-Greyhound programmed into his speed dial. And when he DOES fly, he dreams that someone will sneak up and inject him with horse tranquilizer. To cure his phobias, he's tried everything from hypnosis to flight class.
The only thing that works for Andrew is getting completely wasted before the flight. The downside is that he often arrives at his destination feeling like a zombie and, more than once, he's woken up on a plane with drool all over his face, only to see someone with the cleaning crew shaking him and saying, "Excuse me, sir, you don't have to go home but you sure as heck gotta get outta here!"
According to Andrew, the perfect cocktail is equal parts vodka, valium, and beta blockers. Shaken, not stirred.
How can I, a lowly bi-lingual, 143 IQ, college educated, current Technology Coordinator find a job (for the love of all that is holy) that doesn't make me consider rupturing my own appendix just to get out of going to work? I think, oh advice giver of the internets, that I am asking for career advice. Someday it is my humble goal to make more than 30k a year. Please help.
The lovely and beautiful BossLady is also contemplating a career change so this has been topic-du-jour at Casa Metro for awhile. She's looking for something new that will allow her to achieve a better balance between work and family. Now, we're just trying to figure out what that something "new" should be.
You, Desiree, are a great writer. You belong in publishing, advertising, editing, or PR. I can't even see you as a "Technology Coordinator." E-mail me. We'll find you something. Any West Coast employers out there looking for some great creative talent? Get in touch with Desiree!
This blog doesn't accept advertising but we're definitely not above pimping out friends and family!
How come you travel all over the damn planet and never have a layover in Atlanta so we could pound a few back? EVERYBODY flies through Atlanta.
While driving cross-country in 1990, I spent 4 days in Atlanta with two buddies. One was Peruvian, the other was Jewish. One night, the three of us went out to a bar and met a bunch of attractive cheerleaders from Georgia Tech. All of them were blond and I think 4 of them were named Babs.
Long story short: None of the girls had ever heard of Korea. They kept asking if that was a city in Japan. None of the girls had ever heard of Peru. They kept asking Jose if he was from Mexico. None of the girls had ever met a Jew before. We caught one of them checking my buddy's head for horns! I shit you not. We were like a living freak show for them.
Now, I’ve spent a lot of time in the south. Hell, Birmingham, New Orleans, and Memphis are three of my favorite places. But I’ve never experienced anything quite so strange as what happened in Atlanta. I’m sure your city has come a long way but ever since then, I’ve tried to connect through more race-friendly cities.
You know, like Mogadishu.
Who do you like in the Super Bowl? Who will you be rooting for?
I have passionately hated the Bears ever since 1986 when Jim "Punky QB" McMahon, William "Refrigerator" Parry, and Mike "Samurai" Singletary released that annoying rap song/video "The Super Bowl Shuffle." That fucking song set rap music back about 20 years. Remember the lyrics?
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
Fuck the Bears. I'm going with Indy.
Question: Did the Peanut ever go through a "naked" phase? I have a daughter just a little younger than yours. We allow her an hour or so of "naked baby" time in the evenings, but any time you change a diaper you are asking for a clothes on-or-off battle. This is only really an issue when we need to get her outside for some reason, which happens more often than one might think. We're in Chicago which requires many layers at this time of year. Any creative ideas for how to get a toddler dressed?
So far, the Peanut has not gone through a naked phase. If anything, she's become a fashionista like her father. Have you ever seen a two-year-old girl stare vacantly into her drawers trying to decide what to wear? It's both sad and funny at the same time.
The Peanut is still in her pink phase. Today, she went to daycare looking like a giant piece of fucking cotton candy. Not only that, she STILL yells at me when I put the wrong color socks on her and she still insists on wearing her little snowboard hat whenever we go outside.
Sorry, I'm no help here, Stef. We seem to have the opposite problem. Anyone else want to take a stab at this one?
You may have already addressed this in a past mailbag, but since it is on my mind all the time these days (for my family, not yours): are you considering having a second child? Why (not)?
Yes, we're considering having a second child. Over the past week, my wife's favorite pick-up line has been, "Hey, are you horny? I'm ovulating!"
Not quite sure how I feel about this but, on principle, I try to never turn down sex when it's offered to me.
Personally, I think BossLady really wants to start trying now because, according to the lunar calendar, 2007 is supposed to be a very special year for having children. According to the Chinese zodiac, this will be the Year of the Golden Pig, an event that occurs only once every 600 years. Babies born this year are believed to have good fortune and will lead comfortable and wealthy lives. The expected birthrate in Korea is supposed to explode this year. Many hospitals, banks, and schools are even starting to ramp up for the expected population increase!
Man, my people are fucking crazy.
Did the BossLady ever finish your sweater? What else has she knit?
Rach...I've pretty much become a knitting widow. These days, BossLady is still completely engrossed with knitting. At any given time, she's got multiple knitting projects going on and she could really care less about what I'm doing. She's a knitting fiend!
But I'm glad she's got a hobby. Knitting chills her out and, as I like to joke, " helps keep the crazies away."
And yes, BossLady did finish my sweater. It's awesome. It doesn't quite fit me perfectly but I absolutely love her for trying.
Here's a photo of it being worn by our little pint-sized fashionista.
Some day, I'll show you the equally awesome matching hats that BossLady made for me, Peanut, and MetroDog. (Shit, next thing I know, this is going to be a damn knitting blog. This blog really has jumped the shark, hasn't it?)
No offense to you knitters out there! I know you're a sensitive lot. Every time I make fun of the BossLady's knitting, I get like 50 e-mails from enraged knitters. Did you know that there were enraged knitters out there? Me neither. Man, those chicks are fucking nuts! (Again, just kidding. Sort of. Maybe.)