MetroDad Mailbag (Feb. 2007)

Did you know that jet lag kills older mice?  Not the young ones.  Just the older ones.  It's true.  I read it on the internet. 

I wonder how old I am in mouse years.

Never in my life have I had jet lag this bad.  Seriously, I feel like my kidneys are floating in outer space and my balls are six feet under.  I've been home for 6 days and the nausea still hasn't gone away.  As usual, I've concocted my own cure-all (this one involves megadoses of melatonin, scotch, Ambien, crossword puzzles, and chocolate chip cookies.)  A friend suggested sunlight and exercise but it's fucking freezing in NYC and I've got about 40 hours of television backed up on my Tivo.  Who has time to go to the gym? 

Anyway, thanks for all your questions.  Many of them had me laughing my ass off on the plane.  I know I've said it before but my readers are the coolest, weirdest, smartest, goofiest, and geekiest readers on the planet.  One day, I'm going to get us a discounted rate on some group therapy.  As the lyrical medieval poet Eminem once said, "you fucking rock!"

You asked some great questions.  Many of them I’m saving for the next mailbag.  Here are some of the rest... 

Why do so many men have a crush on Tina Fey? Is it the scar? The ridiculous white girl dancing she thinks it is funny to engage in? What? Please, riddle me that, batman. Though I find her funnier than a Kazakh journalist at a formal dinner, I just don't understand the whole crush thing.
(Mrs. Fortune)

Tina Fey reminds us of the nerdy, sarcastic female friend from high school who was always by your side when you were caustically making fun of the plastic cheerleaders who wouldn't date you in a million years.  Also, just like you women, most of us men laugh when we hear women like Giselle or Christy Turlington say in interviews that they were ugly ducklings in high school.  That's total bullshit and I don't ever believe that crap for a second. 

But when Tina Fey says it?  You actually believe her. 

Is she the thinking man's sex symbol?  Maybe.  I don't know.  She does kind of have that sexy librarian thing going on.  But personally, I think I'm just a sucker for a funny chick with a cool scar.  Besides, what's the deal with YOUR crush on John Cusack, eh?  He's not exactly Brad Pitt, is he?

Since you're a foodie, what would be your last meal on earth if you were on death row?
(Leora)

The seared foie gras from Café des Artistes, Peter Luger’s steak, a slice of Grimaldi’s pizza, potato knishes from the Carnegie Deli, a bucket of Blue Smoke's potato salad, and Junior’s cheesecake.  Basically, I’d try to give myself a heart attack before they flipped the switch. 

Dear Metro...My Korean mother has finally told me that I need to get married. Granted, I should bless this saintly woman for waiting until I was 30 to finally get on my case about it. What do you think?  Should I put forth extra effort in finding a spouse? Or should I just go about handling my business as I have been, even if it occasionally means I feel shameful in the mornings and have to catch a cab home?
(Mikeymike)

Parental pressure never ends, my friend.  When I was younger, my Korean mother would call every day and ask when I was getting married.  After I got married, she called every day to ask when I was having kids.  These days, she's up in my grill every day about having a second child.

MetroBro is about the same age as you so he's feeling the parental heat now as well. Since I'm quite fond of my bro, I try to help him out and I've discovered that the best means of disarmament is deflection.  To throw my parents off their game, I like to ask them hypothetical questions that will mess with their minds.  Here are two of my latest gambits:

1. Would you rather MetroBro marry a black girl OR a Korean guy?
2. How would you feel if he had children out of wedlock?

These are like mental tongue twisters for Asian parents and if they don't give your parents an aneurysm, they certainly will keep them lying awake in bed for awhile.

Meanwhile, enjoy your bachelorhood.  Sure, married life is a million times better but you're not going to fully enjoy it unless you have no regrets.  Carpe Diem, my friend!

Have you tried Dinosaur BBQ up in Harlem yet and do you love it?
(pnuts mama)

Every Super Bowl Sunday, BossLady and I shun invitations to group viewings and instead have our own little party.  The week before the game, we plan the menu.  The only requirement is that, by the end of the game, we need to be so stuffed that we actually lose the ability to speak and must resort only to hand signals in order to communicate.  Grunting is also permitted.

Last year, we completely outdid ourselves.  The two of us went to Dinosaur and we wanted to try everything on the menu. We literally loaded up the back seat of our car with massive amounts of ribs, pulled pork, beef brisket, Cajun catfish, creole potato salad, and cole slaw. 

Verdict?  Best barbecue in NYC.  Possibly the best barbecue this side north of the Carolinas. 

I enjoy how you intersperse your literary views in many of your various posts (even if they have to do with poop.) Your book consumption is pretty impressive so it's obvious you read quite a bit. My question: if you could have one author's life, whose would it be?
(Barb)

Tough question, Barb.  I get these huge author crushes all the time.  Past or present objects of my lust and envy have been David Foster Wallace, Haruki Murakami, Margaret Atwood, Matthew Kneale, Jhumpa Lahiri, Mark Leyner, and Chang-Rae Lee.  Their writing always seems so effortless.  I would give my left nut to have their talent. 

Then again...last summer in the Hamptons, I saw Salman Rushdie at the polo matches driving a convertible Bentley with Padma Lakshmi in the front seat and a set of golf clubs in the back. 

I guess that whole fatwa thing worked out pretty well for him.

MD, I am an Asian-American dad and my wife is Euro-Am. At a local store the other night, we ran into an interracial couple where the female was Asian-American and the male was Euro-Am. I felt a strange discomfort and I couldn’t get the thought “Mail order bride and dude with yellow fever” and images of Bai Ling out of my head. The wife, bless her soul, later informed me that she noticed I was being rude and knew what I was thinking. So, here’s my question, “How do I get over my personal hypocritical prejudice?” And no, I don’t believe it’s about “those” dudes getting “our” women.
(Average American)

Dude...I totally know what you're talking about.  In the latest statistical survey of White/Asian relationships, it turns out that 72% of them consisted of a white husband and an asian wife.  And wikipedia tell us that  "Asian American women were 2.5 times more likely to be married to a White American man than Asian American men married to a white woman."

My advice?  Don't sweat it, my brother.  Life is fucking short and we're all getting older.  I used to get into late-night debates with my Asian-American female friends over the semantic and sociological distinctions between attraction and fetish.  Now I just worry about keeping the hair on my head, the cost of Peanut's daycare, and making the monthly mortgage payment. 

Besides, as I get older, I'm starting to think that we should turn this country into a giant mud puddle where race no longer becomes a distinct and distinguishing feature.  As I've always said, there are so many good reasons to dislike people.  Why focus solely on race?    

By the way, I fucking hate Bai Ling.  Not only is she the Asian Paris Hilton but also I think she's playing up the whole geisha stereotype to make a buck.  An Asian friend of mine calls her a whoriental.  Is that racist?

MD! I love to travel and fly quite a bit each year. Most of the time I travel alone--because my fiance hates to fly. On our last trip, he got airsick...so I understand his reticence. And by reticence I mean that he said "I'm never fucking flying again." Up until now, he has flown all his life--his father is an airline pilot. My question is: How can I help him get over this? Also, when we do fly, he is absolutely miserable. I'm pretty much ok with whatever obstacles come our way, but he just stresses and stresses. Is there anything to be done about this? I figure you've had many varieties of travel partners over the years and could offer some advice. Is Valium the only way to go?!?!?
(Sarah Marie)

My buddy Andrew is a bad flyer (and by bad flyer, I mean "he's a total fucking pain in the ass and I'm never going on a plane with him again!")  He doesn't sleep for weeks leading up to a flight.  He's got 1-800-Go-Greyhound programmed into his speed dial. And when he DOES fly, he dreams that someone will sneak up and inject him with horse tranquilizer.  To cure his phobias, he's tried everything from hypnosis to flight class. 

The only thing that works for Andrew is getting completely wasted before the flight.  The downside is that he often arrives at his destination feeling like a zombie and, more than once, he's woken up on a plane with drool all over his face, only to see someone with the cleaning crew shaking him and saying, "Excuse me, sir, you don't have to go home but you sure as heck gotta get outta here!"

According to Andrew, the perfect cocktail is equal parts vodka, valium, and beta blockers.   Shaken, not stirred.   

Dear Metrodad,
How can I, a lowly bi-lingual, 143 IQ, college educated, current Technology Coordinator find a job (for the love of all that is holy) that doesn't make me consider rupturing my own appendix just to get out of going to work? I think, oh advice giver of the internets, that I am asking for career advice. Someday it is my humble goal to make more than 30k a year. Please help.
(Desiree)

The lovely and beautiful BossLady is also contemplating a career change so this has been topic-du-jour at Casa Metro for awhile.  She's looking for something new that will allow her to achieve a better balance between work and family.  Now, we're just trying to figure out what that something "new" should be.    

You, Desiree, are a great writer.  You belong in publishing, advertising, editing, or PR.  I can't even see you as a "Technology Coordinator."  E-mail me. We'll find you something.  Any West Coast employers out there looking for some great creative talent?  Get in touch with Desiree!

This blog doesn't accept advertising but we're definitely not above pimping out friends and family!      

How come you travel all over the damn planet and never have a layover in Atlanta so we could pound a few back? EVERYBODY flies through Atlanta.
(Stacy)

While driving cross-country in 1990, I spent 4 days in Atlanta with two buddies.  One was Peruvian, the other was Jewish.  One night, the three of us went out to a bar and met a bunch of attractive cheerleaders from Georgia Tech.  All of them were blond and I think 4 of them were named Babs. 

Long story short:  None of the girls had ever heard of Korea.  They kept asking if that was a city in Japan.  None of the girls had ever heard of Peru.  They kept asking Jose if he was from Mexico.  None of the girls had ever met a Jew before.  We caught one of them checking my buddy's head for horns!  I shit you not.  We were like a living freak show for them. 

Now, I’ve spent a lot of time in the south.  Hell, Birmingham, New Orleans, and Memphis are three of my favorite places.  But I’ve never experienced anything quite so strange as what happened in Atlanta.  I’m sure your city has come a long way but ever since then, I’ve tried to connect through more race-friendly cities. 

You know, like Mogadishu. 

Who do you like in the Super Bowl? Who will you be rooting for?
(David)

I have passionately hated the Bears ever since 1986 when Jim "Punky QB" McMahon, William "Refrigerator" Parry, and Mike "Samurai" Singletary released that annoying rap song/video "The Super Bowl Shuffle."  That fucking song set rap music back about 20 years.  Remember the lyrics? 

We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would

Fuck the Bears.  I'm going with Indy.   

Question: Did the Peanut ever go through a "naked" phase?  I have a daughter just a little younger than yours. We allow her an hour or so of "naked baby" time in the evenings, but any time you change a diaper you are asking for a clothes on-or-off battle. This is only really an issue when we need to get her outside for some reason, which happens more often than one might think. We're in Chicago which requires many layers at this time of year. Any creative ideas for how to get a toddler dressed?
(Stef)

So far, the Peanut has not gone through a naked phase.  If anything, she's become a fashionista like her father.  Have you ever seen a two-year-old girl stare vacantly into her drawers trying to decide what to wear?  It's both sad and funny at the same time. 

The Peanut is still in her pink phase.  Today, she went to daycare looking like a giant piece of fucking cotton candy.  Not only that, she STILL yells at me when I put the wrong color socks on her and she still insists on wearing her little snowboard hat whenever we go outside. 

Sorry, I'm no help here, Stef.  We seem to have the opposite problem.  Anyone else want to take a stab at this one? 

You may have already addressed this in a past mailbag, but since it is on my mind all the time these days (for my family, not yours): are you considering having a second child? Why (not)?
(nonlineargirl)

Yes, we're considering having a second child.  Over the past week, my wife's favorite pick-up line has been, "Hey, are you horny?  I'm ovulating!"

Not quite sure how I feel about this but, on principle, I try to never turn down sex when it's offered to me.

Personally, I think BossLady really wants to start trying now because, according to the lunar calendar, 2007 is supposed to be a very special year for having children.  According to the Chinese zodiac, this will be the Year of the Golden Pig, an event that occurs only once every 600 years.  Babies born this year are believed to have good fortune and will lead comfortable and wealthy lives.  The expected birthrate in Korea is supposed to explode this year.  Many hospitals, banks, and schools are even starting to ramp up for the expected population increase!

Man, my people are fucking crazy.

Did the BossLady ever finish your sweater? What else has she knit?
(Rach!)

Rach...I've pretty much become a knitting widow.  These days, BossLady is still completely engrossed with knitting.  At any given time, she's got multiple knitting projects going on and she could really care less about what I'm doing.  She's a knitting fiend!

But I'm glad she's got a hobby.  Knitting chills her out and, as I like to joke, " helps keep the crazies away."

And yes, BossLady did finish my sweater.  It's awesome.  It doesn't quite fit me perfectly but I absolutely love her for trying. 

Here's a photo of it being worn by our little pint-sized fashionista.

Some day, I'll show you the equally awesome matching hats that BossLady made for me, Peanut, and MetroDog. (Shit, next thing I know, this is going to be a damn knitting blog.  This blog really has jumped the shark, hasn't it?)

No offense to you knitters out there!  I know you're a sensitive lot.  Every time I make fun of the BossLady's knitting, I get like 50 e-mails from enraged knitters.  Did you know that there were enraged knitters out there?  Me neither.  Man, those chicks are fucking nuts!  (Again, just kidding.  Sort of. Maybe.)

Comments

[BossLady]

What do you mean the sweater doesn't fit?!?

[V]

You do realize that knitters carry pointy sticks with them at all times, don't you? How 'bout some survival skills there MD...be nice to the knitters!

[JJ Daddy's Baby Momma]

Welcome home.

[Peter]

Made me laugh with the questions you use to redirect dear old mom.
I can see her scratching her head and losing sleep. Very funny.

[Jen]

Thanks for getting my February off on the right start! Welcome back!

[Woman with Kids]

Glad you're back. I don't get the Tina Fey crush either, but hey, so long as I can have John Cusack.

[AlieMalie]

Hey MD, I may need to borrow your buddy's recipe for stress free flying - I love traveling but I can have the most intense panic attacks at the gate. Not fun.

As for the knitting, dude, do you have any clue how many people will approach you if you're out in public knitting? Like while waiting for a doctor's appointment? People come out of the wordwork, yo!

Anyhoo, hope your jet lag passes soon. Enjoy the tivo and cookies.

: )
AM

[Melissa]

Oh Metro, I've missed you. I love when you answer people's questions. I can't answer the John Cusack thing for you. He's so not my type, but I heart him. I just do. It's that guy next door thing.

I'm glad you're back. I hope you guys have a blast this Sunday. mmmm BBQ, I am so hungry now.

[Jonathon]

Good luck to you in the Year of the Golden Pig.

I hope you have lots of babies.

Or at least one. Because damnit, I'd like to read about MetroPregnancy. Not that I'm selfish.

[Rachel]

Welcome back, MD, and thanks for the laugh. We missed you. I love your hypothetical questions for your mom. I wish I could think of a way to get both our mothers off our backs about having baby #2.

[Laura in Indy]

<>

Yay! Go Colts!!!

Even though it's a Coors product in disguise (and I hate that!), I bought some *Blue* Moon Beer to cheer them on.

My 2-year old's school is having a pep rally tomorrow, with face painting, etc. And ... some dude painted his HOUSE with "Go Colts!" This town is going nuts!

Love your blog and love your Super Bowl Pick!

That's all,
Laura

[dutch from sweet juniper]

come on sir, you know better than to draw all kinds of conclusions about a city based on a conversation you had with anyone who is (1) blond; (2) named babs.

If you want to hate Atlanta, hate it for its highways and its suburbs.

welcome back.

[Lauren]

Welcome back!

And I also think Tina Fey is kind of hot.

[Meg]

This is awesome. Truly.

I'm actually getting over my Cusack thing as of late -- I prefer to refer (that rhymes!) to it as my Lloyd Dobler thing, now. I think he's just another non-committal guy in his forties, at this point.

Am I the only person in their thirties on this planet who hasn't tried Ambien OR Valium?

[Pamela]

I'm so glad you are back. The internet was getting boring.

[Kristen]

Wow, dutch, that blonde comment surprises me coming from you. Tsk, tsk. (Note: I'm just hyper-sensitive after almost 30 years of blonde jokes. I'm blonde, dammit.)

MD - the jet lag sounds horrible, but I like the thought of medicating with 40 hours of TV, booze, and chocolate chip cookies. That sounds nice.

Also, I love how thorough all of your responses are on the mail bag posts - you are one dedicated blogger. :-)

Here's to a baby in the year of the Golden Pig!

[Anne Glamore]

As a fellow knitter (though not enraged, probably from all the gin), I have to admire BossLady's madd skillz again. That's like 2 tons of yarn there.

Good luck practicing for the 2d child. If it turns out to be #s 2 and 3 together, email immediately. I have hints. And gin.

[NG]

Glad to have you back. And just for the record, the best thing about John Cusack is that he's NOT Brad Pitt.

[JJ Daddy-O]

Baby Momma and I are lighting a candle and waving some incense (high-church Episcopalians are just like Buddhists that way) for 2007 to bring you.....
The MetroTwins! Yeah, baby!
Make sure you tell the BL that the older you are, the more likely you are to have twins. (yeah, we didn't know that either, until it was too late) If she still says she's in the mood, then you know she's serious about this baby thing.

[Chris]

C'mon MetroDad...Root for my Bears! This is a different era. ;)

[leora]

Welcome back, MD! Thanks for answering my question about your last meal. Sounds like it would be a good one!

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I don't have a thing for John Cusack, but my husband thinks I'm crazy because I love Howie Long.

[malta]

Have you tried Daisy Mays on 11th Ave?

[Linda]

That sweater is awesome, BossLady! I'm just getting started but I think it's only a matter of time before my hubs is a knitting widow also!

And the Peanut is too cute for words!

[NR]

Those of us in Chicago love the Super Bowl Shuffle! I do admit that I would probably share your opinion if I lived anywhere else. It is enjoying quite a rebirth as Sunday's game approaches. I had the 45 as a kid and danced to it in my parents' basement...good times!

[Emily]

Welcome home. I also have the naked baby issues here. My kid wants to get naked the moment dinner is over. I find that if I let her get naked and then pick out a new outfit I can get her clothed in time to get out the door. This works like half the time. But the alternative is naked baby on the town, and nobody wants that right now. Oh and "Metro Twins" hell yeah that would make for some great reading. Good luck with that.

[MammaLoves]

John Cusack? Cute and funny--really funny. We don't need muscles, we like to laugh!!

I think you guys like Tina because you all know she wouldn't give you the time of day. There's nothing a guy is attracted to more than something he thinks he can't have. Probably the whole hunter thing.

But what do I know...I'm just a chick.

[Sisco]

I love Tina and John. And gin.

[Rob F.]

You just made me completely homesick, MD. I left NYC many years ago but whenever I visit, I always make it a point to go to Peter Luger’s steak, Grimaldi’s pizza, Carnegie Deli and Junior’s.

And yes, I always leave NYC 5 lbs heavier than when I arrived. Totally worth it!

[IFLYG]

Welcome Back, MD! Love that pic of the Peanut - she's so cute...

Between all the talk about BBQ and the "Year of The Golden Pig", and the Superbowl - I've got this overwhelming desire for ribs...

[kittenpie]

Whoriental. OMFG that is killing me.
And I am always down with someone who is into the whole sexy librarian thing! ;^)

[Amanda]

Hi! Welcome back. I get all anxious when you don't post at least every four days or so. I'm not sure what that is all about??

The Golden Pig thing is pretty cool, considering I am about to have baby #2 any day now! ANY DAY!

Oh God.

[LeeMarvin]

MD,
Welcome back. Sorry to hear about your jetlag. Sounds like you are treating it well enough, though.

Good luck with the Golden Pig thang.

How could you EVER turn down offers from the BL?

[Desiree]

My Korean friend is marrying a german muslim with jewish parents who lives in Germany. Her parents are thrilled.

I feel like a supahstah! Thank you for answering my question. If only I weren't putting 60-70 hours a week into my current dead end job I think my writing would be much better.

Glad to have you back. You made my day!

[Waya]

I'm so glad you're back! You are so hilarious, loved the lines you give to MikeyMike. I can see my Mom's reactions if my bachelor brother ever said that to her.

Nice sweater BL! You have one talented wife. But I think you're in trouble now MD!

And yes, my Korean FIL told us that this was the special year of a pig as soon as we broke the news of our pregnancy to them. I thought he was "smoking" something good, but here you are confirming it.

[landismom]

Oh MD, how I've missed you! Welcome back, hope your jet lag ends soon.

And curses on you for reminding me of the "Superbowl Shuffle!"

[susie]

Ugh the Superbowl Shuffle and images of Tony Eason getting sacked 10,000 times is burned into my brain. Sometimes it hurts to be a NE sports fan. Which is why I'm rooting against the Colts. And thanks for the info about the Year of the Pig. Son #2 is due in July. Welcome home - you were missed! Catch up on 24 and we'll chat!

[Chris]

GREAT post :-) I giggled my (not so) little hind end off. Congrats on the perfect post award too!

[Mitch McDad]

Dude...the Atlanta thing is dead on. My corp HQ is in the A T L, and I spent a decent amount of time there and all I can say is the south scares that crap out of me.

I used to date a chick from Georgia when i lived in LA. She was cool and pretty liberal being in the music biz, but her family, southern baptists, holy fuckin shit. I think the only reason they didn't have white hood on when the got to LAX was because TSA made them take them off...wait scratch that...that was pre-911 but you get the point.

[mo-wo]

You say sexy librarian thing and I go all mushy.

then you say Atwood crush and I just feel dirty.

Knitting is supposed to great to quite smoking ... and yes. Yes, I believe it. Enraged knitters on line. Not long into my blogging career I found out a lot of librarians blog. Then I found the librarian/archivist niche.. then I found the librarian/archivist/knitter/parents thread.

And.. well I just like to stick with you guys instead. Those guys are weird man, and their my people. Like you said.

[mo-wo]

as in they're my people.

will I ever understand the preview button?

[ob]

It's like you read my mind because I was going to ask whether or not you a) had a brother and b) if he was single. Now, is he anything like you? Cuz you are freaking hilarious! Hook a girl up!

Anyway, I've tried your tactic with my Korean mother ("Umma, so if you really want me to get married with the quickness, I can marry ANYONE right? Cuz there's this Jewish guy...") She, of course, then backs off for a bit before she pimps me off to the next doctor/lawyer she hears of.

P.S. when I say "hook" I don't mean it in that cheap one-night-stand kind of way.

P.P.S for me, what attracts me most about John Cusack: the characters he depicts in his movies (charming, down-to-earth, sweet, self-aware without being egotistical, etc.)

[Helen]

Oh my god! I just tried that tactic with my Korean mom and.... it didn't work. She replied, "As long as I get grandchildren..." I guess she's losing hope that I'll marry a Korean guy now that I'm almost thirty.

[samantha Jo Campen]

When the Bears win, and they WILL win, I'm going to do an extra-special happy dance simply because you're rooting for Indy.

Humph.

[philton.org]

I don't think Paris is a racist
www.philton.org

[Mega Mom]

The Superbowl Shuffle is like the Elaine Dance of rap, beautiful in its own simplicity. They're so bad, you know they're good. (Plus they're doin' it fer you--yes, I'm hearing that often in my neck of the woods.)

OK, I can't believe I'm calling your grammar into question, but here goes...

"she's got multiple knitting projects going on and she could really care less about what I'm doing." Umm...MD...I believe the correct phrase is COULDN'T care less. Shame on you. You are like the whole new population going around saying "All THE sudden" as opposed to the correct: "All OF A sudden". You made me cringe.

[Mega Mom]

Oh, and GO BEARS.

[York]

Knishes were the food of my youth growing up in Brooklyn. I've been living in California for almost 20 years now and I've yet to ever find one here. My mouth is drooling right now. I can practically taste the potato-mustard goodness.

[Denver Dad]

That's it, Metro Dad, you're going to have to stop the act and admit you love Tina Fey as much as I do. When are we going to make our Tina-Fey-Is-Damn-Sexy-And-Even-Sexyerestly-With-Her-Glasses-Too Fan Club t-shirts?

Welcome back. Just be thankful you're not a mouse. The difference between feeling lousy and feeling dead is a small distinction, but an important one.

[BookBabe]

My girlfriends are always making fun of me because while they're constantly ogling the Brad Pitts, Matt Damons, or Jude Laws of this world, I'm always crushing on David Foster Wallace or Nicholas Sparks. I even think Richard Ford is cute!

Thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only strange one out there, MD!