You know how television commercials always show parents waking up by slowly stretching out their arms and luxuriantly getting out of bed while the warm bask of the morning sun envelops them? As they put on their imported Turkish bathrobes and enter their enormous kitchens, they're greeted by the aromatic pleasures of freshly-brewed coffee and some buttery croissants. In the background, you can frequently hear the dulcet sounds of a cooing baby.
Needless to say, BossLady and I don't wake up like that.
These days, we've been waking up to the sounds of a two-year-old girl screaming at the top of her lungs, "Mommy! Daddy! Come 'ere! Come 'ere NOW!"
And the aromatic smell with which we're awakened? Lately, it's the pleasurable aroma of a pile of steaming hot dog shit.
Yeah...just like on TV, man.
I don't know what's gotten into MetroDog lately. Maybe he's getting older. Maybe he's dealing with some personal issues. However, for some reason, he just can't seem to make it through the night anymore. He's only five years old so it's hard to imagine he's getting incontinent. In dog years, he and I are about the same age. Shit, if I can make it through the night, why can't he?
When we first got MetroDog, we had a tough time housebreaking him. It's not like we had a backyard where he could roam around. Learning how to poop on a New York City curb is fucking tough. Cars, fire engines, and dump trucks are rumbling by and dozens of people are watching your every move. For a few months, BossLady and I would take MetroDog out every morning and would end up walking around for hours before he finally pooped.
Finally, a dog trainer suggested that whenever we walked outside the building, we should just insert a paper matchstick up his butt (the dog's butt, not the trainer's.) The act of anally pushing out the match would force the poop out of MetroDog and train him to go in the same location every day.
Man, have you ever tried to stick a match up a dog's butt? It is not fucking easy. The first few times we tried it, the fire kept going out before he would poop.
(Chill out, PETA people. That was a joke!)
Actually, that little Dog Whisperer trick totally ended up working. And to this day, whenever I'm feeling a little constipated, BossLady will just hold up a match stick and start laughing. Yep, works for humans too!
When it comes to the Peanut, BossLady and I are taking a fairly low-key approach to toilet training. Basically, that means we're leaving it up to Sesame Street (as usual.) Between "Elmo's Potty Time" DVD and the "Ernie's Too Big for Diapers" book, we figure we're covered.
The Peanut's only two so we don't want to start pressuring her. However, our low-key approach seems to be having an effect and it appears we're getting her closer to being potty trained. Or at least potty-aware. Just last week, we were chilling out and eating dim sum in Chinatown with a bunch of friends when the Peanut ran up to me, pointed at her butt, and yelled, "POOP, Daddy, POOP! Let's go!"
Unfortunately, her yelling "POOP" didn't mean she was READY to poop but rather that she already HAD pooped. But that's cool. Baby steps, man. Baby steps. That's what I keep telling myself.
One inadvertent and highly entertaining repercussion of toilet training the Peanut is that she is now completely obsessed with
watching both BossLady and I go to the bathroom. It's not like we encourage it but, any time that one of
us enters the bathroom, the Peanut is right there with us. Most
of the time, she just likes to watch us do our business. However,
sometimes if we're sitting on the toilet, she likes to lift one of our cheeks out of the way or spread our legs open so she can peer into
the toilet bowl and get a better view. Not really my cup of tea but what can you do? Kids are natural scientists in certain ways.
You should see how unbelievably happy she becomes whenever she sees a piece of crap in there. It's like Christmas and her birthday wrapped up in one. Her face lights up and she actually squeals with sheer delight. Sometimes if nothing comes out, I almost feel like I'm letting her down. How crazy is that?
But hey---if it makes my lovely daughter happy, I'll push a little harder in the hope that I can at least squeeze out a little turd. We'll do anything for our kids, right?
Anyway I recently decided that, in the grand scheme of toilet training, I'm going to defer all future lessons to the BossLady and start closing the door when I go to the bathroom. I think, in this instance, Daddy's involvement is only confusing the issue.
Why do I say this?
Because yesterday I asked the Peanut if she had to go to the potty. She enthusiastically said, "Yes, Daddy. I go pee-pee!" Bridling with excitement, we both ran to the bathroom, where the Peanut immediately pulled down her pants and tried to pee...standing up!
You know...just when I think I have this parenting thing down pat, something comes up and bites me in the ass. But really, isn't that half the fun of it all?
,
Apparently, someone decided that it’s National Delurking Week. In other words, if you read any blogs regularly but don’t comment on them, now's the time to come out of the woods and say hello. So to all you lurkers, feel free to make your presence known and let me know you're out there.
Normally I'm not a big fan of this group-think blog mentality but I figure as long as nobody uses the word "blogosphere," we're cool.
I don't remember how I found your blog but I'm hooked. I'm an old-fashioned Southern mommy who gets a big kick out of reading about what parenting life is like in New York City. Thank you for many endless hours of entertainment.
Posted by: Jamie | January 11, 2007 at 01:15 PM
Tickle me, Elmo! I'm a longtime lurker to the site as well, MD. Thanks for giving me the chance to come out of the woods and say hi!
Posted by: Brian | January 11, 2007 at 01:23 PM
I'm not even a parent but you, dooce, mimi smartypants and finslippy are my everyday reads. You're all such great writers and nothing brightens up my day more than seeing one of you put up a new post. Happy delurking!
Posted by: Jessica W. | January 11, 2007 at 01:26 PM
Unfortunately the not peeing standing up is a lesson all little girls have to learn at one time or another. Better at two then six is all I can say too you...not saying how i know. Just trust me on this one. Man Metro, she is dam cute.
Posted by: Issa | January 11, 2007 at 01:36 PM
Delurking from Hong Kong to say that it's been a great joy discovering your website. Keep it up!
Posted by: Kevin | January 11, 2007 at 01:43 PM
Whatever. You know I'm here. Oh, and is that some sort of high powered fart fan you got goin' there?
Posted by: Xdm | January 11, 2007 at 01:48 PM
You're one of my regular reads, so I guess I should stop lurking and say hi. Hi.
Posted by: Delton | January 11, 2007 at 01:49 PM
Korean American mommy of a one year old angel here. I love your blog. I'm trying to get my husband to read your blog. It should be real eye opening to him.
Posted by: Nancy | January 11, 2007 at 02:10 PM
The Peanut is too adorable, MD. This is a fun age, isn't it? (that is, when they're not driving you absolutely bonkers!)
Posted by: Lira | January 11, 2007 at 02:29 PM
Ok, I'll delurk. I've never been one for anonimity anyway! I'm the mom of a 13 yr. old girl, with a baby boy due in about 7 weeks...so reading your blog brings back memories and reminds of what I have to look forward to! Funny stuff!
Posted by: Kimba | January 11, 2007 at 02:34 PM
Being called out on lurking kind of makes me feel like a stalker. I'm not liking it much.
I love, love, LURVE your blog. Your talent combined with subject matter makes you a fun read. I have a soft spot in my heart for blogging daddys.
Posted by: Tammy | January 11, 2007 at 02:35 PM
Delukring to say that I came for the poop stories but I stayed for the great writing, the clever wit, and the refreshingly great perspective on life. Rock on, MetroDad!
Posted by: Beth | January 11, 2007 at 02:42 PM
I wish my husband was HALF as involved and interested in parenting as you (and all the other daddy blogs I read) are. I think part of the reason I read all of you is so I can wonder of what could have been or might still be.
Posted by: MJ | January 11, 2007 at 02:44 PM
Found your blog through delicious life and keep coming back, even though I have no kids!
Posted by: Lesley | January 11, 2007 at 02:50 PM
I'm almost embarrased to delurk and comment because I have a total blog crush on you, MD! I love how you write about BossLady and the Peanut. I love your sense of humor. And I love how well-read you are.
There, I said it! I feel much better now.
Posted by: Julie P. | January 11, 2007 at 02:56 PM
Two Words: Crate Train.
Works for both.
Sweet picture - the smile of satisfaction would fool anyone who didn't realize she did not indeed have a winky.
Posted by: JJ Daddy's Baby Momma | January 11, 2007 at 02:58 PM
Frequent commentor here, MD. Thought I'd just say how much I really enjoy visiting your site. It's great seeing a cool dad who's not afraid to gush about his daughter. You're my kind of guy.
Posted by: Ian | January 11, 2007 at 02:58 PM
Not really a lurker, but an infrequent writer of comments. Well, I have a question about the use of bask as a noun in the first sentence. Normally used as a verb, no?
Posted by: magnum myoblast | January 11, 2007 at 03:23 PM
I feel so exposed, I like lurking. The people who comment on your site are so intelligent and funny, I hardely have anything to add.
But I will say this, I love your blog and you never fail to crack me up. I have 2 1/2 year old son. Being from the Bay Area, you remind me of so many of dear friends.
Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Yellow | January 11, 2007 at 03:34 PM
Delurking. Love your blog. Hoping that someday my husband and I can be as cool as you and bosslady. We have a one year old son that we adore. Parenthood has been a grand adventure. Here's to more surprises!
Posted by: Danielle | January 11, 2007 at 03:40 PM
Delurking from the Bay Area. A great post! I haven't laughed so hard in awhile. I have a 17 year old and a 3 week old. I remember going through this about 15 years ago, quite fun. This time it will be with a boy instead of a girl...I'm thinking cheerios in the toilet for target practice?
Posted by: Nancy | January 11, 2007 at 03:49 PM
You made up that mess about Delurking Week :)
A visitor from across the East River, I found you via RebelDad. I enjoy your blogging. Good luck w/ the potty training.
Posted by: TCY | January 11, 2007 at 04:03 PM
I guess I qualify as a delurker. I just discovered your blog today and have spent the last 3 hours reading all your archives (yes, I'm at work!) You're hilarious!
I never read any "daddy blogs" before and I love hearing your hilarious perspective on parenting. Count me as a new fan!
Posted by: Jackie | January 11, 2007 at 04:06 PM
I never thought reading about another persons bowel movement would be so damn entertaining. Thanks for the visual.
Posted by: Emily | January 11, 2007 at 04:15 PM
Wow, that's one helluva fan you've got goin' on in the bathroom!
Still loving your blog. Whenever my husband peers over my shoulder to see what I'm laughing at, I respond with the usual "it's that funny Korean dude's blog".
With the pooping, all by boys are all over it, but they still need the occasional uber-wipe. Whenever they call out for one of us, we respond to eachother with, "hey - you're closer!"
Posted by: Lisa K | January 11, 2007 at 04:23 PM
ahhhh, potty training!
and delurking!
Posted by: pagalina | January 11, 2007 at 04:36 PM
Funny that you made that reference about PETA people not being able to take a joke. I was driving to work this morning and I saw a bumper sticker that said, "There's plenty of room for all God's creatures. Right next to the mashed potatoes!"
I don't know why but I've been laughing my ass over that all day.
Posted by: Tony | January 11, 2007 at 04:47 PM
I found you through nothing but bonfires and she was right....your take on parenting is hilarious and so true!! I am a mom of a 13 month old and expecting another in about 2 weeks....Lived in NYC but moved to the burbs in Dutchess county...Thank you for making me laugh!
Posted by: Christie | January 11, 2007 at 05:09 PM
Hm, toddlers being curious enough to stick their hands in the line of fire... seriously, it's really not my fault that I peed on LN's hand. Now that's a real potty. Strictly for business, no distractions... sigh, if Peanut figures out the art of Peeing Standing Up while Being Female, please have her call me, okay?
Oh, and kudos for the extra effort to impress the P'Nut - I don't think I know any other dad who'd give it that kind of dedication.
Posted by: Mama Nabi | January 11, 2007 at 05:29 PM
Great blog, thanks for the entertainment. I'm a dad of an 8 month girl, so I am learning what to expect.
Posted by: josh | January 11, 2007 at 05:33 PM
The toilet thing.....i know. It used to be the last bastion in my house, now the oldest knows how to open door knobs.....forget it!
Posted by: chocolatemakesitbetter | January 11, 2007 at 06:16 PM
You are just about my favourite thing to read on the internet - you make me laugh! Thanks so much.
Posted by: Adele Richards | January 11, 2007 at 07:10 PM
my 19 month old has been following me into the bathroom for four months now. and when she looks into the toilet, whether its empty or not, she yells "yuck!"
Posted by: rachel | January 11, 2007 at 07:31 PM
Officially delurked...is that even a word? I really enjoy reading your blog and pretending that I'm a hip parent in NYC.
Posted by: Texas Single Girl | January 11, 2007 at 07:46 PM
As a soon-to-be father, it's nice to see someone who loves parenting so much but doesn't take it all so seriously.
Posted by: Jeffrey | January 11, 2007 at 07:54 PM
That kid is too damn cute, MD. Don't worry about the toilet training. Eventually, everyone learns!
Posted by: KB | January 11, 2007 at 08:08 PM
Delurking to say that your blog is great! I think I found you through Harlow's Monkey or Twice the Rice.
Keep up the good work - you always make me laugh.
Posted by: Amy | January 11, 2007 at 08:29 PM
my wife read a crappy book that said that daddy should pee seating down so he doesn't confuse his little girl who's being potty-trained. Soooo, I wasn't allowed to pee standing up, I cannot tell you how much that sucked!!!!
Posted by: sal | January 11, 2007 at 08:32 PM
Delurking -- no, wait. You know me already. Okay, forget it. Nevermind.
Posted by: L. | January 11, 2007 at 08:41 PM
Have I been lurking? I'm not sure - I can't remember anymore. But I know I've been reading for a year now. Best. Parenting Blog. Ever. Go Peanut Go!
Posted by: Best Man Fall | January 11, 2007 at 08:48 PM
I don't even have kids but I like reading your blog because you're one funny motherfucker. Thanks for all the laughs, MD.
Posted by: Jimmy | January 11, 2007 at 08:51 PM
I found your blog because someone sent me your hilarious post about Channukah. As a Korean woman who married into a fairly conservative Jewish family, I laughed my tuchus off!
Posted by: Helen | January 11, 2007 at 08:53 PM
Jeez, MD - you invite people to de-lurk & get like a bajillion people commenting...how satisfying is that?
Yoyo loves imitating me peeing (lifts shirt, leans back); especially in front of the in-laws, dinner guests, etc...
Too funny.
Posted by: IFLYG | January 11, 2007 at 09:03 PM
MD, my kids are in college now but this post really had me chuckling, that pic was my daughter 20 years ago, great post, thanks.
Posted by: Corky | January 11, 2007 at 09:28 PM
Long time reader, first time commenter. I LOVE reading your witty, hilarious, well-written observations. This post is one of your best! I nearly peed my pants from laughing so hard.
I'm also an Asian-American parent (16 mos. old son and expecting another baby in a few months), and I relate to you on many topics. Thanks for always putting a funny spin on things.
Posted by: Tina | January 11, 2007 at 09:37 PM
delurk, delurk. I'm pretty sure I found you through AntiRacist Parent, but once someone makes it onto my RSS feed, I stop remembering most of those details. And just concentrate on the funny.
Posted by: alice | January 11, 2007 at 09:57 PM
Oh, bloody freaking hell, see what summoning out the lurkers does? My brilliant comment gets lost in a dog pile of 170-something shout-outs. Anxiety about which causes me to forget said brilliant comment. Something about natural science and a theory of natural selection per defecatory habits, but whatever. It's ruined now.
Pout.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | January 11, 2007 at 10:01 PM
Haven't been lurking very long--I think I found my way via SweetJuniper.
Your blog's fri-larious. Thanks for the laughs!!
Will try the matchstick. For my um, dog. Yeah...
Posted by: ob | January 11, 2007 at 10:28 PM
Good luck with potty training. I'm still waiting for the readiness. I thought Tae was ready, but then she started lying about having pooped when she really just wanted to get out of the stroller or car seat.
They make kids so damn smart these days.
Posted by: eliaday | January 11, 2007 at 11:17 PM
I lurk, therefore I am.
Posted by: Pam | January 11, 2007 at 11:26 PM