Chaos Theory (China Ed.)

I get ideas for blog posts all the time.  Sadly, I always have them when I’m at a bar or on the toilet (which means I usually scribble some quick notes on a napkin or some toilet paper.)  Unfortunately, I have a horrible memory so I can never fully recall what it was I had to say about “Derrida’s theory on Elmo” or “Brett Favre’s moustache.” 

Right now, I’m still in China, a country where napkins and toilet paper seem to be in short supply.  I’m also suffering from some weird jet lag insomnia and I think I’m on the verge of an Imodium overdose.  Therefore, I’ve decided to just write everything down as soon as I think of it. 

I guess we’ll call it Chaos Theory: The China Edition.

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MARCO!  POLO!

Contrary to my last post, it seems that the Peanut has noticed my absence.  The other day I spoke to BossLady on the phone and she told me that whenever the two of them walk in the door, the Peanut runs around the apartment yelling “DADDY!  DADDY!  WHERE ARE YOU?”  After failing to find me, she then turns to the BossLady and asks, "Where dadddy, mommy?"

I’d blame it on all the sulfurous Chinese air that makes me feel as if someone ate a pound of asparagus and peed on my eyeballs.  However, since my paternal sappiness is already well-established, I’ll admit that hearing this brought a tear to my eye.

THINGS THAT I SHOULD HAVE PACKED IN MY SUITCASE

For someone who travels as much as I do, I am a horrifically bad packer.  I’ve flown to weddings without tuxedo pants.  I’ve  had to wear white tube socks with a suit.  And once, the lovely and beautiful BossLady had to make me cufflinks out of paper clips (MacGyver!) Now that I’m in the middle of China, I realize that bringing linen shirts when it’s below freezing outside probably wasn’t a good idea.  Some other things I probably should have packed?

1. More than two pairs of underwear.
2. Dark socks (yes, I did it again.)
3. Running sneakers that don’t smell like ass. 
4. Toilet paper
5.  A book weighing less than 20 pounds

HE AIN’T HEAVY, HE’S MY BROTHER

The 20 lb. book in question is Martin Amis’ “The War Against Cliché,” his collection of essays and literary criticism.  Despite its weight, the book is a surprisingly great read.  Amis’ brilliant wit and sheer intelligence are employed in ways rarely evident in his fiction. 

Do you ever sometimes wish you were friends with a celebrity so that you could just shake the shit out of them and smack them with a dose of reality?  I have this wish all the time (“Aarrgh, Britney!  What the fuck are you doing?”)  Anyway, I really wish Martin Amis and I were best pals so that one night when we were both completely smashed, I would have the balls to tell him to give up fiction.  If I were really drunk, I’d tell him to get those damn teeth fixed too. 

Does anyone else have these imaginary celebrity friendships or am I the only one?

iDORK

Aside from packing my suitcase better, it also probably would have been a good idea to update my ipod before leaving.  Spending 15 straight hours on a plane listening only to Camera Obscura and Ghostface Killah is getting kind of weird.  I don’t know whether I want to weep into my pillow or kill whitey!

iPOT

On the other hand, big ups to me for downloading the first season of “Weeds” onto the ipod.  Why didn’t anyone tell me how good this show is?   BossLady and I don’t get Showtime but we've both always had a little thing for Mary-Louise Parker.  In fact, when Billy Crudup dumped her while she was pregnant so he could date Claire Danes, BossLady was furious.  Recently we watched “M.I. III” and whenever he came on screen, I could hear BossLady muttering “asshole” under her breath. 

Besides, isn’t leaving Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes trading down?  Kind of like breaking up with Brad Pitt and ending up with Vince Vaughn?

And Jen?  I just read in the Herald Tribune that you might adopt a child from Africa?  If WE were friends, I’d channel my mother and tell you---“Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you? If Angelina Jolie jumped off the George Washington Bridge, would you?” 

All I know is that if Paris Hilton adopts one next, I think I’m going to kill myself.

iPOOP

I just spoke to the BossLady and she told me that Peanut pooped in the potty for the very first time!  And I missed it!  Thankfully, BossLady knew how totally bummed out I would be about missing this important milestone in our daughter’s life so she immediately grabbed the camera and took photos of the poop for me!

Is it any wonder that I married this woman? 

MY KINGDOM FOR SOME CARBONATED ASPARTAME!

At various points in my life, I’ve gone months without so much as a single alcoholic drink, a cigarette or any television.  But never during the course of the past 25 years have I gone so much as two days without a Diet Coke.  I’m now on Day 4 (or, as I keep saying to myself, DAY FUCKING 4!) 

China, what is up with that?  How can you pursue global hegemony when the only carbonated beverage here is warm Fanta in a dirty glass?  And how is it even possible that one can still get TAB here?  Wasn’t that abolished in the 70’s along with DDT and Agent Orange? 

SHUT UP AND PASS THE ANUS!

In China, people often say that when a pig is killed, not a single part goes to waste.  The skin is used for leather, the fat is used to make candles, the snout is ground up for medicinal purposes, and everything left over is eaten.  Obviously, this saying is meant to convey the stout resourcefulness of the Chinese people.  But whenever I mention this to the beautiful BossLady, she just laughs at me and says, “Oh yeah?  What about the penis?  Do they eat THAT?” 

Last night during dinner, I tried this strange-looking dish of food that I didn’t quite recognize but tasted pretty damn good nonetheless.  When I asked someone what I had just eaten, he replied, “pig's balls!”

Man, I gagged so hard that dried snout practically came out my nose!  (N.B. he really meant to say "pork balls," which apparently have nothing to do with a pig’s testicles.  On the flip side, my host told me that some people in China DO eat a pig’s balls!)

IF YOU THINK YOUR KID IS ONE IN A MILLION, THAT MEANS THERE ARE 1,400 JUST LIKE HER IN CHINA!

Being separated from the Peanut is tough enough.  But being here in China makes things exponentially more painful.  It’s not like I’m in Sweden and surrounded by little Aryan-looking babies who bear no resemblance to my daughter.  Here, I see little Chinese kids who have the same dark hair and features as the Peanut. 

Every time I see a little Chinese girl, I just want to pick her up, spin her around, and give her a wet willy.

Meanwhile, I'm completely annoying the crap out of everyone I meet in China.  In fact, I’m starting to recognize a pattern.  First, I ask people whether they’re married.  Then, I ask if they have children.  And then I sit back and wait patiently until they ask me whether I have a kid.  ME?  YES, I DO!  THANKS FOR ASKING!  DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT HER?  GRAB A CHAIR AND POUR SOME TEA!

Before they even know what hit them, I’m telling them all about the Peanut.  Today, I even told a few people about Peanut pooping in the potty.  The ironic thing?  Most of them have no idea what the hell I'm babbling about.  Story of my life, right? 

Anyway, it's official.  My gushing about my daughter is now annoying the crap out of people on TWO continents!

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By the way...apologies to all of you who have sent me e-mails in the past week.  I'm having major e-mail issues.  I promise to reply when I return to civilization (especially MD reader Susan from AL who offered to send my favorite BBQ sauce.  That stuff is like crack cocaine to me.  More than once, BossLady has totally busted me drinking it right out of the jar.)

Also, I thought I'd either do another MetroDad Q & A or another mailbag edition so I'd have something to write on the 15-hour return flight home.  So place your questions in the comments section below and feel free to ask me anything. 

As always, the only limits are your own imagination!  Shoot away!

 

Comments

[Rach!]

Did the BossLady ever finish your sweater? What else has she knit?

[nbtd1]

My tip from travels to China: Q: Why do they have toilet paper and kleenex in your hotel? A: So you don't have to carry tp and napkins from NYC.

Yeah, traveling light is a drag, innit? I got sucked into that delusion in my youth -- now I pack everything and check it in -- especially since TSA won't let me carry any pointy objects, bombs, or toothpaste in my carryon anymore (yes, I take it personally).

My question is: pig penis or chicken head? We were served the head in a dish -- we all passed. Would you?

Cheers!

[Mary Jane]

"Weeds" is the best! We love that show. Even Kevin Nealon is fantastic in it. My husband and I live in a California development very smilar to "Agrestic." Lots of plastic people driving the same imported SUVs. However, we've made a few close friends who we always invite over for barbecues...and a little friendly marijuana. I guess the show just hits close to home!

[Kevin]

Bit of advice from a fellow 3rd world traveler, MD. Be careful with that Immodium. I once got really sick in India from the food and I loaded up on Immodium. It definitely cured my upset stomach and diarrhea. The downside is that I was constipated for a month!

[RAJ]

UK reader here, MD. Love reading your site. I don't get many of the television or pop culture references but I do love your sense of humor and your views on parenting.

Here's my question for you.

What is the American fascination with Paris Hilton? Does she actually DO anything? Please help clear this up for me.

[momto3cubs]

Congratulations, Peanut! What a big girl you are!

If you and Peanut could do ANYTHING together when you arrive home, where would it be and what would you do?

[creative-type dad]

I was going to say "take pictures of the poop", but your wife already did.

She's a keeper.

[nonlineargirl]

You may have already addressed this in a past mailbag, but since it is on my mind all the time these days (for my family, not yours): are you considering having a second child? Why (not)?

[karen]

hey MD!
What are you deal-breakers in a friendship/relationship?
Karen

[Melissa]

If you could go back in time and change one thing about your life, what would it be? Anything you would have done differently?

[Joe]

Hey, MD...what's your stance on the Peanut watching television. I remember you saying that you didn't allow her to watch much of it before. What about now?

[Ellen]

My husband and I both work full-time but it seems that I am the one doing the lion's share of the parenting/household duties. What about you and BossLady? How do you guys split responsibilties?

[hm]

I'm delurking and professing my blog-crush to you. But shh... I think my husband is jealous.

My celebrity friend is most definitely Katie Holmes. Oh please shake the brainwashing out of that girl. Please. Someone. Jada? Brooke? J.Lo? Is anyone planning a strategy for her escape?

[Kvetch]

Now that I've been single for over 4 years this second go-round, my new "friends" are not only celebrities, but they're not even real. I am SO buds with the women of Sex and the City. And on another note - its so cool (which is not a cool thing to say, so I've been told) to read blog posts from Korean New Yorker pseudo Jew Metrodad written in China. If that's not PC, I don't know what is. I love to read what you write!

[sandy]

Did you read Money? I thought it was good. Also, I think Amis got those mangled choppers fixed a couple years ago.

[lightning six]

健怡可樂.

That's Diet Coke in Chinese. It exists, brother. Actually, it's called Coke Light.

(No, I don't work for Coke in China. I just live there. And drink more than my fair share.)

[missellen]

here's a question for you - what's your favorite korean restaurant in the city?

[Wendy Boucher]

I love it that you yak about your Peanut to everybody. Have you told your imaginary celebrity friend about her yet?

[viciousrumours]

Not only do they still make Tab, they now make a Tab energy drink that comes in a cute little pink polka dotted can.

[curious]

Random question from a few entries ago: Is "the doctor" married? In a relationship?

[sweatpantsmom]

There must have some sort of technical issue, because surely you wouldn't have denied us a posted photo of the impressive Peanut Poop!

I feel your pain about the Diet Coke. When I was in Japan it was hard to come by, and when I finally found a vending machine that had it I threw myself in front of it and started hurling yen at it.

[Ashley]

It is hard for me to believe you know about Dreamland BBQ. As a Alabamian I am a bit biased but it is the best BBQ Sauce and I work about a 1/2 mile down the road so.... it is easy to obtain.

[elsu]

MetroDad, I adore your blog. I read it religiously, and often call in my husband to do the annoying "lean-over" move, wherein he leans over the back of the study chair to read whatever it is I'm reading, and consequently cinches my body almost in half over the keyboard. I do it all for you, man.

My question is this: we're 29 & 30. We're not actively trying to get pregnant, but the possibility is there, even though he acts like a defense attorney whenever the subject arises: "I OBJECT!" We have great jobs, we're comfortable in our life, we have great friends (almost 90% of whom are having kids--we're one of the last couples who haven't given in), etc. Honestly, what is it that makes guys NOT want to have kids, even when it's a good time to do it?

[J]

OMG I have a blog crush on you now too (to borrow terminology)

Question - Have you got any tips on dating a single (rather metro) dad? I don't have any kids myself.... but he has one...

[Geo]

What are you bringing home for the Peanut from China? You know it's a rule that dads away on business trips have to bring home a gift to their daughters.

My celeb friend would be John Wayne. How cool would it be to hang out with "The Duke" on a Saturday afternoon, shoot the breeze and toss back a few cold ones!

[TwinBliss]

MetroPops,
Who's your favorite musical artist? Why?
My fav celeb is Clint Eastwood cause he's one bad MF'er.
Tab here in Austin. Never tried it.

[Katy]

If the Peanut was a superhero, what would her name be? What would her powers be? Who would be her archnemesis? Who would be her sidekick?

[panthergirl]

Gawd, I just love you to death.

First of all, we are HUGE Big Bird in China fans in this house. Remember, I have a 21 year old, so that stuff was new when we watched it.

Second, I too have imaginary friendships with celebs. But then again as a child I imagined myself as the fifth Beatle.

I have to read Martin Amis. I've been meaning to, for years, but if you say so I have to.

Congrats on the poop. These days, I'm celebrating "My daughter broke up with her asshole boyfriend which is great but he's still living with her and sleeping in her bed." Bet you can't wait for that. It will make you nostalgic for poop.

Enjoy your pig's balls!

[Mitch McDad]

...you had me at pig balls.

So now you know a little bit. Even if you don't know everything, you've done something worthwhile: you've expanded your knowledge. - William B. Doyle, http://www.wbdoyle.com/tsfls/

That's the latest from the authorities. Once you're familiar with these ideas, you'll be ready to move to the next level. - William B. Doyle, http://www.wbdoyle.com/tsfls/