Chaos Theory (China Ed.)

I get ideas for blog posts all the time.  Sadly, I always have them when I’m at a bar or on the toilet (which means I usually scribble some quick notes on a napkin or some toilet paper.)  Unfortunately, I have a horrible memory so I can never fully recall what it was I had to say about “Derrida’s theory on Elmo” or “Brett Favre’s moustache.” 

Right now, I’m still in China, a country where napkins and toilet paper seem to be in short supply.  I’m also suffering from some weird jet lag insomnia and I think I’m on the verge of an Imodium overdose.  Therefore, I’ve decided to just write everything down as soon as I think of it. 

I guess we’ll call it Chaos Theory: The China Edition.

.
MARCO!  POLO!

Contrary to my last post, it seems that the Peanut has noticed my absence.  The other day I spoke to BossLady on the phone and she told me that whenever the two of them walk in the door, the Peanut runs around the apartment yelling “DADDY!  DADDY!  WHERE ARE YOU?”  After failing to find me, she then turns to the BossLady and asks, "Where dadddy, mommy?"

I’d blame it on all the sulfurous Chinese air that makes me feel as if someone ate a pound of asparagus and peed on my eyeballs.  However, since my paternal sappiness is already well-established, I’ll admit that hearing this brought a tear to my eye.

THINGS THAT I SHOULD HAVE PACKED IN MY SUITCASE

For someone who travels as much as I do, I am a horrifically bad packer.  I’ve flown to weddings without tuxedo pants.  I’ve  had to wear white tube socks with a suit.  And once, the lovely and beautiful BossLady had to make me cufflinks out of paper clips (MacGyver!) Now that I’m in the middle of China, I realize that bringing linen shirts when it’s below freezing outside probably wasn’t a good idea.  Some other things I probably should have packed?

1. More than two pairs of underwear.
2. Dark socks (yes, I did it again.)
3. Running sneakers that don’t smell like ass. 
4. Toilet paper
5.  A book weighing less than 20 pounds

HE AIN’T HEAVY, HE’S MY BROTHER

The 20 lb. book in question is Martin Amis’ “The War Against Cliché,” his collection of essays and literary criticism.  Despite its weight, the book is a surprisingly great read.  Amis’ brilliant wit and sheer intelligence are employed in ways rarely evident in his fiction. 

Do you ever sometimes wish you were friends with a celebrity so that you could just shake the shit out of them and smack them with a dose of reality?  I have this wish all the time (“Aarrgh, Britney!  What the fuck are you doing?”)  Anyway, I really wish Martin Amis and I were best pals so that one night when we were both completely smashed, I would have the balls to tell him to give up fiction.  If I were really drunk, I’d tell him to get those damn teeth fixed too. 

Does anyone else have these imaginary celebrity friendships or am I the only one?

iDORK

Aside from packing my suitcase better, it also probably would have been a good idea to update my ipod before leaving.  Spending 15 straight hours on a plane listening only to Camera Obscura and Ghostface Killah is getting kind of weird.  I don’t know whether I want to weep into my pillow or kill whitey!

iPOT

On the other hand, big ups to me for downloading the first season of “Weeds” onto the ipod.  Why didn’t anyone tell me how good this show is?   BossLady and I don’t get Showtime but we've both always had a little thing for Mary-Louise Parker.  In fact, when Billy Crudup dumped her while she was pregnant so he could date Claire Danes, BossLady was furious.  Recently we watched “M.I. III” and whenever he came on screen, I could hear BossLady muttering “asshole” under her breath. 

Besides, isn’t leaving Mary-Louise Parker for Claire Danes trading down?  Kind of like breaking up with Brad Pitt and ending up with Vince Vaughn?

And Jen?  I just read in the Herald Tribune that you might adopt a child from Africa?  If WE were friends, I’d channel my mother and tell you---“Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you? If Angelina Jolie jumped off the George Washington Bridge, would you?” 

All I know is that if Paris Hilton adopts one next, I think I’m going to kill myself.

iPOOP

I just spoke to the BossLady and she told me that Peanut pooped in the potty for the very first time!  And I missed it!  Thankfully, BossLady knew how totally bummed out I would be about missing this important milestone in our daughter’s life so she immediately grabbed the camera and took photos of the poop for me!

Is it any wonder that I married this woman? 

MY KINGDOM FOR SOME CARBONATED ASPARTAME!

At various points in my life, I’ve gone months without so much as a single alcoholic drink, a cigarette or any television.  But never during the course of the past 25 years have I gone so much as two days without a Diet Coke.  I’m now on Day 4 (or, as I keep saying to myself, DAY FUCKING 4!) 

China, what is up with that?  How can you pursue global hegemony when the only carbonated beverage here is warm Fanta in a dirty glass?  And how is it even possible that one can still get TAB here?  Wasn’t that abolished in the 70’s along with DDT and Agent Orange? 

SHUT UP AND PASS THE ANUS!

In China, people often say that when a pig is killed, not a single part goes to waste.  The skin is used for leather, the fat is used to make candles, the snout is ground up for medicinal purposes, and everything left over is eaten.  Obviously, this saying is meant to convey the stout resourcefulness of the Chinese people.  But whenever I mention this to the beautiful BossLady, she just laughs at me and says, “Oh yeah?  What about the penis?  Do they eat THAT?” 

Last night during dinner, I tried this strange-looking dish of food that I didn’t quite recognize but tasted pretty damn good nonetheless.  When I asked someone what I had just eaten, he replied, “pig's balls!”

Man, I gagged so hard that dried snout practically came out my nose!  (N.B. he really meant to say "pork balls," which apparently have nothing to do with a pig’s testicles.  On the flip side, my host told me that some people in China DO eat a pig’s balls!)

IF YOU THINK YOUR KID IS ONE IN A MILLION, THAT MEANS THERE ARE 1,400 JUST LIKE HER IN CHINA!

Being separated from the Peanut is tough enough.  But being here in China makes things exponentially more painful.  It’s not like I’m in Sweden and surrounded by little Aryan-looking babies who bear no resemblance to my daughter.  Here, I see little Chinese kids who have the same dark hair and features as the Peanut. 

Every time I see a little Chinese girl, I just want to pick her up, spin her around, and give her a wet willy.

Meanwhile, I'm completely annoying the crap out of everyone I meet in China.  In fact, I’m starting to recognize a pattern.  First, I ask people whether they’re married.  Then, I ask if they have children.  And then I sit back and wait patiently until they ask me whether I have a kid.  ME?  YES, I DO!  THANKS FOR ASKING!  DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT HER?  GRAB A CHAIR AND POUR SOME TEA!

Before they even know what hit them, I’m telling them all about the Peanut.  Today, I even told a few people about Peanut pooping in the potty.  The ironic thing?  Most of them have no idea what the hell I'm babbling about.  Story of my life, right? 

Anyway, it's official.  My gushing about my daughter is now annoying the crap out of people on TWO continents!

.
By the way...apologies to all of you who have sent me e-mails in the past week.  I'm having major e-mail issues.  I promise to reply when I return to civilization (especially MD reader Susan from AL who offered to send my favorite BBQ sauce.  That stuff is like crack cocaine to me.  More than once, BossLady has totally busted me drinking it right out of the jar.)

Also, I thought I'd either do another MetroDad Q & A or another mailbag edition so I'd have something to write on the 15-hour return flight home.  So place your questions in the comments section below and feel free to ask me anything. 

As always, the only limits are your own imagination!  Shoot away!

 

Comments

[KC]

Metro, ah, yes, the amenities of China. I especially enjoyed squatting to pee in a hole in the ground in respectable places.

On a side note, did you read the piece in The New Yorker within the past year on the resurgence of Tab in the US? It's back. Hard to find but there are small elite circles of Tab-drinkers.

[leora]

The hubs and I LOVE "Weeds." So much better than those annoying desperate housewives. Too bad you & BossLady don't get Showtime. I think you'd both like "Dexter" too.

Here's a question for you: Since you're a foodie, what would be your last meal on earth if you were on death row?

[Jeff]

I've never been to China, but I do know what you mean about worrying that your kid will forget you while you're gone on business somewhere. Ironically, I just wrote about this Thursday (http://daddydiarytales.blogspot.com/2007/01/what-we-learned-when-i-left-town.html)

[Waya]

Have no fear MD, if you need anything, China has everything you'd ever need/want in the counterfeit way. My brother worked over there for 9 months and he brought home a bagful of fakes that no one can tell. I know, he was supporting the counterfeit industry.

Will you be going to Viet Nam? That's my birth country and I hear it's changed a lot for the better. Just watch out for those crazy moped drivers.

[Molly Chase]

That Martin Amis book was a Christmas present this year from me to my mother. She keeps calling me up at work and reading bits and pieces of it to me. It's definitely twenty pounds worth carrying to Asia.

Oh, and my imaginary celebrity friend is Edward Norton. I don't know.

[William]

Hey MD. My celebrity friend would be Kid Rock. And I would just stare at all the chicks he casts off.

[Rachel]

Without revealing more than you're comfortable with, of course, what exactly are you doing in China? I know it's for work, but what are you DOING there?

And the celebrity that I'd like to set straight is Howard Stern. I want to grab him by the shoulders, shake him as hard as I can, (while at the same time protecting my eyes from his scary hair whipping in my face) and tell him what a bore he is. That his bit is lazy and unimaginitive. That he's mean and that it's time to move on.

Sorry Howard Stern fans....just can't stand the unnecessary unkindness.

[Chris]

I believe Martin Amis *did* get the teeth fixed. The British press was all over him for it a couple years ago. Who did he think he was, anyway? Some American?

[susan]

I love when you do these Chaos posts, MD. The title headings alone always crack me up!

Congrats to Peanut for pooping in the potty! Hoo-ray!

[Mikeymike]

Dear Metro-hyung,

My mother has finally let it be know to me that I need to get married. Granted, I should bless this saintly woman for waiting until I was 30 to finally get on my case about it. My father has been on my case about it since I was much younger, but I think he simply wanted assurances of heterosexuality more than anything else.

But anyway, since my dear mum has laid down this mandate, should I put forth extra effirt in finding a spouse? Or should I just go about handling my business as I have been, even if it occasionally means I feel shameful in the mornings and have to catch a cab home?

[jenny]

Hey MD, if it's any condolence, I LOVE hearing fathers gush about their kids. I think it's completely endearing and I wish more fathers did it.

[MikeyMike]

PS. I also like weed.

The new Showtime show Dexter is good too.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Just please don't kill whitey. Cry into the pillow. Really.

[Leeny]

MD, I've noticed Tab at the Kroger's here in the Dallas area. Kinda weird that it's come back!

I have a question: Since you like to travel I assume that you've been to Korea. Do you still have relatives there that you visit and would like to have the Peanut meet?

[Mama Nabi]

"Weeds" - I caught the premier of the series when our satellite company offered a free trial... damn, it was good, but I refused to give in and subscribe. I mean, I do have Netflix. :-D
Aw, sorry you missed the first poop in the potty - BossLady IS my twin. If PN were out of town when that ever happens, I, too, will take a photo of the said poop. Of course, Peanut misses you. (I told you so.)
Funny, PN has the opposite problem - he packs way too damn much, I feel like I'm the guy.
OMG, I recognize myself in your pattern... people DO want to hear about LN, don't they? Don't they?

[Terry]

You have some serious poop issues...

Sincerely,
Dr. Natura

[pnuts mama]

dude, i am so with you and the bosslady on the MLP/BC issue- that assh*le!

my question to you is, have you tried the dinosaur bbq up in harlem yet and do you love it? we haven't ventured in yet but never miss it when we are back up in pnuts daddy's hometown.

glad you got to see the poop!

[whit]

Hey, don't sell yourself short! Thanks to the internet I'm sure you're annoying people on more than two continents.

Tab has a new energy drink specifically targeted to women. Why? Who cares.

I thought they had McDonald's in China now. Don't they sell warm Diet Coke in a dirty glass?

[metro mama]

I love weeds. MLP is brilliant.

Questions:

If you had to live anywhere besides NYC where would it be?

Who is your favourite fiction writer?

[barb]

I enjoy how you intersperse your literary views in all your various posts (even if they have to do with poop.) Your book consumption is pretty impressive so it's obvious you read a lot. My question: if you could have one author's life, who would it be?

[NG]

I, personally, want to be friends with Donald Trump so I can tell him to "Get a damn haircut already!"

[nonlineargirl]

Thanks for posting that picture. Never knew you were so round and feathery.

[Jonathon]

I saw the picture of Big Bird, and couldn't get the movie "Big Trouble in Little China" out of my head for the remainder of the post. I recognize this has very little to do with what you were writing about (and probably nothing at all to do with China), but, nevertheless, here we are.

Dude, I missed E's first potty poop, too (it was at her mom's). But the first time she shit at my house, I cheered like I was watching Peyton Manning hand it to the Patriots. "You POOPED! Oh YEAH! YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!!"

[Average American]

MD, I am an Asian-American dad and my wife is Euro-Am. At a local store the other night, we ran into an interracial couple where the female was Asian-American and the male was Euro-Am. I felt a strange discomfort and in the back of my head I couldn’t get the thought “Mail order bride and dude with yellow fever” and images of Bai Ling out of my head. The wife, bless her soul, later informed me that she noticed I was being rude and knew what I was thinking. So, here’s my question, “How do I get over my personal hypocritical prejudice?” And no, I don’t believe it’s about “those” dudes getting “our” women.

[Sarah Marie]

Hey MD! I rarely comment but have been reading for a couple months now. I have a travel-related question: I love to travel via airplane. I fly quite a bit each year, although I definitely haven't done as much globe-trotting as you. Most of the time I travel alone--because my fiance hates to fly. On our last trip, he got airsick...so I understand his reticence. And by reticence I mean that he said "I'm never fucking flying again." Up until now, he has flown all his life--his father is an airline pilot. My question is: How can I help him get over this? Also, when we do fly, he is absolutely miserable. I'm pretty much ok with whatever obstacles (delays, turbulence, lines, etc.) come our way, but he just stresses and stresses. Is there anything to be done about this? I figure you've had many varieties of travel partners over the years and could offer some advice. Is Valium the only way to go?!?!?

[Desiree]

Dear Metrodad,

How can I, a lowly bi-lingual, 143 IQ, college educated, current Technology Coordinator find a job (for the love of all that is holy) that doesn't make me consider rupturing my own apendix just to get out of going to work? I think, oh advice giver of the internets, that I am asking for career advice. Someday it is my humble goal to make more than 30k a year. Please help.

Thank you,

Losing my mind in Reno

I too have imaginary celebrity friendships (I could have saved Britney's career, just so you know) and I saw Big Bird in China. I am so culturally hip.

[Doggy Mama]

My husband once suggested I curb my Diet Coke consumption. He almost had a can shoved up his ass.

I'm totally Team Mary-Louise, too. And not only because I met Claire Danes once and she was a bitch with a capital C!

[Lani]

How do you feel about people who waste hours upon hours playing video games? Or, intense table top games (Magic: the Gathering, D&D).

[JJ Daddy-O]

Dude, you are hardcore.... drinking BBQ sauce right out of the jar? That's sick!
Do you then chop up some crispy fried bacon on the counter and snort it up through a $100 bill?

[landismom]

Snort. I think I just spit Diet Coke through my nose.

And I lurve the Peanut. "Daddy, where are you?"

Also, I once took the hardcover version of "Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell" on a business trip--same weight problem. My seatmate said, "that must be a really good book." Not that good, I'm sorry to say.

Have a good trip back, MD.

[JJ Daddy's Baby Momma]

Poo! In the Potty! Go Peanut! Woooohoooo!

[kittenpie]

Oh, I have that conversation with BritBrit ALL THE TIME! And Nicole.

[Jane W.]

Too bad your memory sucks. I really would have enjoyed hearing about “Derrida’s theory on Elmo.” Sounds like it would have been a classic!

[Stacy]

Q: How come you travel all over the damn planet and never have a layover in Atlanta so we could pound a few back? EVERYBODY flies through Atlanta.

[Stacy]

Oh, and my celebrity BFF? Susan Sarandon.

[Anne Glamore]

I took East of Eden to Africa, along with 4 other books. Never got past page 3 but didn't have the balls to toss it, either.

[Tawnya]

Hmmm... imaginary celeb friends...

Paris Hilton... "STOP SINGING! Stop! Seriously! Stop now before you hurt someone!"

Nicole Ritchie... to borrow a line from a Sex and the City episode, "I just want to hold her down and force feed her lard."

As for 20 lb. books, I tend to stick to magazines and trashy paperbacks for travel reading material. If I leave them behind as I finish them, I don't get upset and someone else gets a chance (usually hotel cleaning staff) to read something fun.

[KG]

Saw TAB at the CVS. No joke! I was suddenly thrown back to the memory of watching my former teenage babysitter, Ellen, drink one while sitting next to her pool, "babysitting" (i.e., ignoring) me and my brother, while her boyfriend played air guitar to "Smokin' in the Boys Room" to entertain us. Thanks for this! (I think.)

Congrats on the poop. That is indeed a huge milestone!

[Chris]

Ahhh...the first poop. Only another parent could understand why that picture is just so darn precious. ROFL. Great post!

[maddy]

Q: What is the appropriate mark-down price on your used furniture that you are trying desperately to sell before you leave a country, but dont want to feel cheated on?

Hello MD,
Long time reader, first time posting -- and no doubt a huge fan of your blog! I'm a recent college grad currently doing research in Beijing. China is a country that might take some time to get accustomed to (pocket tissues and hand sanitizers are key), but you should really take advantage of your time here to see as much as possible. If you ever need tips or restaurant recommendations in Beijing, feel free to email me at starzenite@yahoo.com. Enjoy the rest of your stay in China!
-HC

http://monkies-travelogue.blogspot.com

[david]

Who do you like in the Super Bowl? Who will you be rooting for?

[stef]

Long time reader, 1st time poster.

Question: Did the Peanut ever go through a "naked" phase? (I don't remember reading about it....) I have a daughter just a little younger than yours. We allow her an hour or so of "naked baby" time in the evenings, but any time you change a diaper you are asking for a clothes on-or-off battle. This is only really an issue when we need to get her outside for some reason, which happens more often than one might think. We're in Chicago which requires many layers at this time of year. Any creative ideas for how to get a toddler dressed?

[Lainey-Paney]

There's definitely Tab in Texas.

I haven't tried it.
I'm sure I did as a kid, but I can't remember the flavor.

[Glennia]

Not sure where you are staying, MD, but I had no trouble finding Diet Coke in China. We were in a Sheraton in Beijing, so that probably had something to do with it.

Weeds is an awesome show. MLP can convey some much humor and pathos with just that weird little smile of hers. Elizabeth Perkins has annoyed me for years, mainly because I've always believed that inside she's just like her character on Weeds. Now that she's loosened up and letting it all hang out, I heart her.

[cazzableu]

What country would be last on your list of places to visit (excluding ones you have already visited)? Why?

Did you have any serious relationships before BossLady?

[Sisco]

Whenever we tell our 23 month old that it's bathtime, she points dramatically at the bathtub and warns, "poop! poop!" and refuses to get in. What is she talking about? As for toileting, a month or so ago, we got her a little potty, but she'lll only sit on it fully clothed, to brush her teeth. Did you turn to any particular experts to find out about this mystery called potty training?

[Mom101]

I love your stream of consciousness and that last thought, about being surrounded by so many girls that remind you of Peanut is just touching. I wouldn't have thought of it but I suppose it makes sense.

And that sulfurous air analogy? Best I've heard in years. Maybe ever.

[LeeMarvin]

MD,

A bit of useless info. They make dog jerky with pig penises. We buy them for our (3) dogs. The *smart* one won't touch them. The other two will literally eat anything.

Congrats on the poop-in-the-potty thing. You & the Bosslady are on your way to being diaper-free, which leads me to my question.

Any plans on No. 2 and have you thought about names (or nicknames) if it's a boy?

Stay safe while traveling.

[amy]

MD - just delurking to tell you that you.make.me.laugh. Please go into stand-up comedy or something (I do not know what you really do). But if you refuse to go into standup thanks for blogging. My celebrity friend is Angelina Jolie because she was so terrible and mean and cold on the red carpet GG and I just wanted to remind her before she went out on the red carpet that night that she needs to always be nice and smiling and happy!!! No need for glowers or grumps or sourpuss faces. Just makes people wonder what the hell is wrong with her and we wouldn't want that now would we?